Wife may be lacking commitment to us

[a_lifters_life]

This goes hand, and hand with my most recent post, except this time its about my wife herself.

My wife and i have been together 2 years (married).

Anywho my wife seems like she can be the culprit for a lot of our past relationship problems (>11 years now).

The problems typically have arisen over the past ~11 years primarily due to her allowing her family to get in between us. This has happened both pre-marriage, and post marriage.

I'll speak to most recently to now that we are married, and have a 6 week old boy.

So ever since we had our boy we'll refer to give as T going forward - my wife, and her family have just been way over the top with me.

It appears my wife colludes with them to make decisions about our family matters such as T without informing me at all what is going on.

Most recently - we got a trash bag full of hand-me-down clothes from her coworker. Some of them never fit T, or are not wanted (all her choice).

Anyway, today I see her putting some more stuff in that trash bag. I ask, "oh what is in the trash bag" she mentions "oh, i was going to give this trash bag full of clothes to my BIL/SIL" - her brother, and SIL.

(Keep in mind, this brother has zero need for it (financially) speaking - their having their first boy in ~1 month) - seems innocuous, huh?

Well, my wife never told me any of this, and wouldn't have told me anything about it if I didn't ask.

This represents (1) very, very innocuous issue, but the principal of the matter (her not telling me stuff, and just colluding with them behind my back - when im not around) and just doing it is really what I'm pissed off about.

I've mentioned I think it'd help if we went to marriage counseling, but she is against it.

I would prefer not to divorce her (in the long term) because i care a lot about her, but she is constantly been colluding with them for years about stuff, and now it deals with my son.

I'm not really sure how to handle this situation.

Please help.

[j.man]

Anyway, today I see her putting some more stuff in that trash bag. I ask, "oh what is in the trash bag" she mentions "oh, i was going to give this trash bag full of clothes to my BIL/SIL" - her brother, and SIL.

(Keep in mind, this brother has zero need for it (financially) speaking - their having their first boy in ~1 month) - seems innocuous, huh?

Yes, it does. Because it is. You want her to include you on whatever decisions you feel slighted over yet you're butthurt over her making the babiest of executive decisions handing off the spare clothes her coworker gave her to her brother's family who's expecting a kid? I get you don't like the guy, but that's next level petty ****.

Seriously-- are you on the juice? That's not her "colluding." That's you with some messed up anger issues. No grown ass woman should have to defend handing off baby clothes to her future niece's/nephew's family.

[~Seraphim ~]

It’s clothes dude. Who cares. YOU are over the top.

[a_lifters_life]

Yes, it does. Because it is. You want her to include you on whatever decisions you feel slighted over yet you're butthurt over her making the babiest of executive decisions handing off the spare clothes her coworker gave her to her brother's family who's expecting a kid? I get you don't like the guy, but that's next level petty ****.

Seriously-- are you on the juice? That's not her "colluding." That's you with some messed up anger issues. No grown ass woman should have to defend handing off baby clothes to her future niece's/nephew's family.

im still trying to determine exactly how any of your replies are helpful to anyone except maybe to uplift yourself?

[sophie274]

It might help if you have more examples of how you feel she and her family collude against you. This example you gave seems extremely benign and just plain normal behavior. She doesn’t want the clothes, she’s passing them on to a family member who might want them ... what about this upsets you? It sounds to me like she didn’t specifically mention it to you because it didn’t even show up on her radar as notable, and it wouldn’t have shown up on mine either. It’s not the sort of thing I would even run by my husband.

[~Seraphim ~]

Why does she have to tell you that she passed on some used baby clothes ? Does she have no autonomy as a human being ? Or is it that everything about her family annoys the shyte out of you ? Because if so I would get a divorce now because her family is her family and they’re not going to change for you . I get it. My in-laws are aholes . But fighting about clothes is idiotic .

[j.man]

im still trying to determine exactly how any of your replies are helpful to anyone except maybe to uplift yourself?

You've overly sensitive and you've got anger issues. Worse, you avoid responsibility and borderline gaslight your wife pushing her into marital counseling as though your inability to self-regulate like a grown man should is somehow a collaboration.

I'm sure you'll get a few bleeding hearts with the best of intentions in here trying dig deep, but the reality is you have problems. You need to own them and get them resolved. Yelling at grandmothers to "get the **** out." Denying your wife the most basic level of autonomy to hand off baby clothes she doesn't need to her future niece or nephew without your permission.

[milly007]

I do agree with the others, a_lifters_life, that your wife providing the used clothing to her brother and SIL, without discussing it with you, is a non-issue.

You have a six week old, so I have no doubt that your wife's life is revolving around the baby, and the baby alone. She would barely have any time to eat, sleep and brush her teeth, nevermind stopping to ask you whether she should be giving clothes away, which at the end of the day, are to help out her family with a new baby. Your wife should not have to run every little thing by you. You have to let it go.

I do think j.man is onto something here. After reading this post and some of your previous threads, I think it would be helpful for you to consider your role in these scenarios instead of playing the victim.

Seems like there are issues at play here, and your wife giving away baby clothing to help out her brother and SIL is not one of them.

[melancholy123]

My husband would not have been the least bit interested if I was giving away baby clothes that didnt fit our child. Why should your wife have to run this past you? Do you really care about baby clothes that are too small? How is this colluding? She's passing them on to someone who could use them.

Colluding seems like such an over the top word to use to describe how your wife and her parents talk. You do seem angry and seem to have a need to be in the middle of things. Are you really like that?

[LootieTootie]

OP, your forum posts are always disconcerting.

I think professional help would do more good for you than seeking validation for your paranoia and insecurities via internet.