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Thread: wanting other people

  1. #1

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    wanting other people

    Hi all. I asked my boyfriend of 17 months if he only wants me or is he wanting other women and not acting because I wouldn't be into it.

    His past three (short) relationships have been open relationships you see and ours is not. He has told me that during our relationship, twice he has found other women attractive and wondered, while talking to them what it would be like to kiss them and maybe more. I have a problem with this as I only want him, and simply wouldn't go down that thought road at this satge.
    He reckons that he is just being super honest. Really? Do most men have those thoughts and desires even if they don't act on them and then lie to their girlfriends when they say "I only want you"??

    I trust he is a good enough man not to actually pursue the experience, but that he has the desire and doesn't just turn it off before he even starts thinking about kissing or having sex with them is not at all cool to me.

    I want someone who really wants only me...am I being naive?

    We are so good on every other front, but this is real deal breaker for me.

  2. #2
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    He's not being super honest to be honest- he's sharing this information to let you know that he's not on the same page as you.

    People in committed relationships aren't blind -they might notice an attractive person - and they might have a harmless crush - but they wouldn't tell their partner to be "super honest" -they would tell their partner to flag the fact that someday they might act on it or get darn close. Or, just to hurt the person/make the person jealous. But no it's not because he's being "honest."

    Fantasy is healthy and realistic. Acting on it is often cheating. Telling your partner about fantasizing about another person is tacky and thoughtless unless it's followed by "so let's break up".

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm curious about the context in which this came up. Like: Did you ask him how his day was, and did he tell you, "Pretty good! Ran some errands and talked to this one woman who I found really attractive and would have liked to kiss." Or, knowing about his past relationships, has this become something that you ask him about on occasion?

    I guess my thinking is: Yes, it's totally normal to find other people attractive, to imagine kissing them and "more" even while you're in a relationship. I think just about everyone on planet Earth does this, to varying degrees.

    That he's been in open relationships probably means he's pretty comfortable with this fact, not particularly threatened by it. Still, if he's making a point of bringing it up, letting you know—well, that's not super cool. It's clumsy, tactless.

    But if it's information you're pressing him for? Well, that's different.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    My husband's answer to your question about guys looking at other women is - I'm not dead yet!

    I dont feel threatened in any way by him saying this, he's a male with a heartbeat, if you think guys dont look at other women you are naive. I look at guys, doesnt mean I am going after them.

    You shouldn't ask questions like that if you arent prepared for any type of answer.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If his past three relationships were open and this is not an open relationship, may I ask why he's agreed to date you? Did you both ever talk about the nature of your relationship or dealbreakers, as you say?

    He may have assumed that you may be comfortable eventually with an open relationship. I'd speak with him about it and be comfortable expressing yourself. Don't be afraid to part ways. Life is far too short to live an unhappy life.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    My thoughts align with Rose. Why did you start dating someone who has lived the poly lifestyle in the past when you only desire monogamy? You likely won't be able to change his preference in the long-run and it equals a lot of pain for you. Consider that the two of you are simply value incompatible.

  8. #7
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    Well, you did ask, OP. I suspect you already knew the answer to your questions, but you were seeking reassurance.

    And unfortunately, that's not what you got. You knew he's always dated other women so I imagine you don't feel very secure in your relationship - hence the question you posed to him.

    He was honest. And yes, men (and women) sometimes do look at other attractive people. Sexual thoughts might cross their mind. It doesn't mean they do not love you, but you are likely to going have trouble with this in the future given that you now know he is still curious and he's not going to pretend to you that he isn't. This doesn't seem like a match in the long run, considering how incompatible your relationship styles are.

  9. #8

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    First he just said it out of the blue, my asking for a straight up answer of what page are ya on mate came secondly. Your perfectly correct that I don't feel secure as I do believe that he finds it a pity...which yeah, ultimately means that were not compatible

  10. #9

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    It came out of the blue, as he had been struggling with it for a wee while after a woman had flirted with him. He said he had no intention of doing anything, that he wanted to, but knowing where I stand, that he wouldn't do that. I later pushed for an ultimate answer wishing to know what page were both one.
    I agree that to find others attractive is normal, its the wanting to do something about it that I struggle with. Im fine with the looking, not fine with the wanting to to but stopping himself...that means that we're both being short changed.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by boo8
    It came out of the blue, as he had been struggling with it for a wee while after a woman had flirted with him. He said he had no intention of doing anything, that he wanted to, but knowing where I stand, that he wouldn't do that. I later pushed for an ultimate answer wishing to know what page were both one.
    I agree that to find others attractive is normal, its the wanting to do something about it that I struggle with. Im fine with the looking, not fine with the wanting to to but stopping himself...that means that we're both being short changed.
    I think it's normal to fantasize. He chose his commitment to you over the temptation. The marriage vows say nothing about promising not to feel tempted. They simply say we promise not to act on the temptation. In fact the vows are there to acknowledge temptation. You're not married just giving an example.

    I think he overshared about his "struggle" and I also think he prefers a poly lifestyle. And you do not.

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