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Thread: Is the evidence I have all wrong?

  1. #11
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    The biggest concern I have in reading your story is not the state of your marriage or whether or not your husband is cheating. It is the state of your focus on investigating and analyzing evidence. Why are you doing this? If all the evidence you collect convince you that everything is OK and he is not cheating, then what? You feel good and that everything in this relationship is fine and there is no cause for concern about him and the woman he works with? Will you have a loving, rewarding relationship with an engaged partner? Or would it just buy you some time until the next situation that leaves you wondering and that escalates into more doubt and anxiety that you have to alleviate by looking for evidence to convince you that what you gut is telling you is not true?

    Your gut is telling you things are not right.
    He may or may not be cheating, unless you catch him in the act, this pursuit of evidence is merely a form of distraction from the real issue.
    You might be focusing on the investigations because acknowledging and facing the reality and considering next steps is too uncomfortable.
    This amounts to spinning your tires in life instead of confronting reality and acting in your own best interest even if it is really uncomfortable to do that.

    You either keep spinning your wheels and live in denial or
    Tell your husband you are not happy in the marriage and seek marriage counseling or
    Leave the marriage.

    It may help you to get some counseling for your self if your husband is not interested in it, this will help you manage your anxiety, learn to trust your gut instincts, and help you define next steps.

    Good luck to you!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    LDJ summed up my thoughts as well.

    When we're in pain we seek to find the source of that pain and I think, OP, you're very worried and right now, you can't find a tangible source for what's causing that hurt and sense of betrayal. That's why you need to find more evidence or seek to understand what more you can find to grasp something more tangible than what you have now. It's fine up to a point but you'll have to step back soon and tell yourself enough is enough. Don't get sucked down into this dark place. Hire a lawyer or at least go for a free first consultation or speak to one or two. See what they come up with. You mentioned you feel like you may be losing yourself, losing your sanity. The greatest thing you need right now are your wits about you so start collecting yourself and think carefully about how you want to spend your energy and your thoughts.

    He's hurt you. I think we all see that and we understand what you are saying. It depends what you do with what you've got now and how much you're willing to find a different way to live, one that doesn't include self-doubt, sadness or pain. I second the suggestion for counselling also and see whether one or two sessions help. It's not for everyone but it can (even in one session) point you in the right direction.

  3. #13
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    Yes, we've done counseling and it didn't work out. The evidence is everything and I'll explain. I would like to take this opportunity to mention that distance, emotional neglect and the source of our problems is important to identify. How can I be good wife if I don't know what the root cause is to fix it? If he's become distant because he has let someone else become close this is crucial, the type of counselor we see depends on this even. If my evidence is junk, then this also important to know so I can understand the breakdown. He changed his answer again tonight on why he had 3 burner numbers over the span of a year. I finally came to place this evening of calm. I realized I don't need his confession, that I already have the answer. I just don't want it to be true. My marriage has been over for a while. I can see that now. I would do anything to have him just talk to me, but I have to let go. I don't want to live like this. He's a great dad, so I'm confident that our children are going to be okay. Re-reading a my own post was the biggest reality check.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whatnext32
    I realized I don't need his confession, that I already have the answer. I just don't want it to be true. My marriage has been over for a while. I can see that now. I would do anything to have him just talk to me, but I have to let go. I don't want to live like this. He's a great dad, so I'm confident that our children are going to be okay. Re-reading a my own post was the biggest reality check.
    I'm very sorry you're going through this. Sometimes the answers come from within.. especially when there is not enough honesty between two people. You don't have to make any big decisions right now. Just think about things carefully and sort your feelings.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop playing detective. You have all the evidence you nee to consult with an attorney privately and confidentially to discuss you options in the event of separation/divorce. Make an appt with a therapist privately and confidentially. Do not tell your husband.

    Start getting out of the house more with or without your child. Stay with friends and family some nights/weekends. Stop doing his laundry, shopping, cooking, etc. Take care of only yourself and your child.

    You need to take serious action. "Talking about boundaries" is nonsense when dealing with a chronic liar who may be leading a double life. Stop feeding his ego by acting jealous/threatened. Act confident. Get in shape, work more, take classes, courses, etc. Do not report your whereabouts or much detail. Simply say going out or going to my parents etc. Let him watch your child while you do all this. You obviously leave him to much free time to conduct whatever secretive behavior he is engaging in. Keep in mind whatever you happened upon is the tip of the iceberg.

  7. #16
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    Thanks for the advice everyone

    I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply and offer advice. I listened to each of you. At this time I'm done with all the evidence nonsense. I once read that to much inward focus on problem creates negative energy. I made that mistake as we can all see. I actually woke up in a great mood. Motivated to get my big girl pants on and focus on my children and myself. I'm not going to seek an attorney at this time. I'm going to focus on me. I'm going to try an individual counselor instead of a marriage counselor. I love my husband beyond words and I really hope he finds his happiness. I can't make him happy, I can only make me happy and today's goal is to redirect my focus while drinking copious amounts of coffee and annoying my kids with Disney songs. I'm a little obnoxious lol. That's it. Just one goal for one day. My heart is broken, but I prayed really hard last night and woke up rejuvenated. If my husband continues down this path we will part ways, I'm hoping he will wake up though. Send your positive energy or prayers to my husband. He needs it.

  8. #17
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whatnext32
    I'm going to try an individual counselor instead of a marriage counselor.
    - good - you two have a lot of issues here.

    There are two many things to address here, but for one thing, maybe he should get another job so he's not traveling with this "other" woman.

    There is a chance you could rebuild this marriage.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whatnext32
    I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply and offer advice. I listened to each of you. At this time I'm done with all the evidence nonsense. I once read that to much inward focus on problem creates negative energy. I made that mistake as we can all see. I actually woke up in a great mood. Motivated to get my big girl pants on and focus on my children and myself. I'm not going to seek an attorney at this time. I'm going to focus on me. I'm going to try an individual counselor instead of a marriage counselor. I love my husband beyond words and I really hope he finds his happiness. I can't make him happy, I can only make me happy and today's goal is to redirect my focus while drinking copious amounts of coffee and annoying my kids with Disney songs. I'm a little obnoxious lol. That's it. Just one goal for one day. My heart is broken, but I prayed really hard last night and woke up rejuvenated. If my husband continues down this path we will part ways, I'm hoping he will wake up though. Send your positive energy or prayers to my husband. He needs it.
    Sending lots of positive energy to your whole family. Just know that you are not alone and there are many of us who have had to make similar realizations at the end of a relationship or marriage. Stay positive and surround yourself with things and people who uplift you. You're going to meet others who disagree with your choices and what you may feel is best so be prepared and stay strong.

  10. #19
    Bronze Member wgmitch's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whatnext32
    I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply and offer advice. I listened to each of you. At this time I'm done with all the evidence nonsense. I once read that to much inward focus on problem creates negative energy. I made that mistake as we can all see. I actually woke up in a great mood. Motivated to get my big girl pants on and focus on my children and myself. I'm not going to seek an attorney at this time. I'm going to focus on me. I'm going to try an individual counselor instead of a marriage counselor. I love my husband beyond words and I really hope he finds his happiness. I can't make him happy, I can only make me happy and today's goal is to redirect my focus while drinking copious amounts of coffee and annoying my kids with Disney songs. I'm a little obnoxious lol. That's it. Just one goal for one day. My heart is broken, but I prayed really hard last night and woke up rejuvenated. If my husband continues down this path we will part ways, I'm hoping he will wake up though. Send your positive energy or prayers to my husband. He needs it.
    This is good. What's done is done. Taking care of yourself and your children is your focus. Patience will be your best approach from here on out.

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