Boyfriend Job Seeking in Another Country

Hey all! :-) I would really appreciate an outside perspective on an issue thats came up with my boyfriend.

Ive been together with him for just over a year now and its been just amazing. We live in a big city but around the corner from each other so as well as longer spells of time together we are also just able to meet up for a quick coffee or something so see each other at least every other day. He really is also my best friend and we've had no major conflicts that we've had to overcome until now.

The problem is that hes not happy with his current job. The other day he dropped it on me that he has a trial couple of days in another European country. It was a real blow to me as there are lots of opportunities in the city/country we live in in his field. He has good friends of 10 years, a married couple who are moving to this city for work soon, which he mentioned as a plus for moving there. He also mentioned it would be "an adventure in a way". It was so hurtful to me because it made me wonder what our relationship is in all this then, just a little minor detail/side issue? He said this couple know someone they can link him up with to stay with for his trial/taster days at this company. So as well as going out of his way to look for a job in another country, he obviously told these friends before me about it. I realise such old, close friends are special and pretty much family but we have talked about marriage later in the year. Its not like they thought about moving, then decided to stay because of HIM. They put their shared goals as a couple first but I take this as him not valuing what we have enough to do the same.

He's cried about it and said he is telling me he loves me more frequently than ever to try to reassure me. He said if he gets this job he would want to go alone for the first few months to make sure he likes the job and city to make sure its not a wasted move for us both. But he was really vague on discussing potentially how often we could see it each other realistically, or on giving a rough idea of how long he would want to wait before deciding if this city is for him and he would feel its secure to say I should join him too. He was litrelly just like "I believe love finds a way to work through these things".

The way I see it is living in different countries is no light thing in a relationship and that hes being way too casual about something that could be very damaging to what we have. I feel like even if he doesnt go through with this job I will wonder what it says about his love for me. I mean, it would be a completely different thing for me if he had no choice or little choice for example if he had a job where frequent long term travel was part of it and not an option.

Am I overreacting?

You are not overreacting. I too, would be hurt that he told others, before me.

Did you discuss moving to said country?

No it was totally out of the blue :-( It wouldnt even have been so bad if he talked to me before he applied, or after. But he waited until this invite from the employer and he had discussed with his friends first who then checked with their contact that he could stay with them...so it must have been over a good few days.

It would also be a very different thing if he said he wants to move, but he'll wait a bit and we both go together. But he seems to take the strain of being apart for an unspecified time far too lightly. I just wouldnt dream of doing it by choice if was the other way around.

I would not like how he handled this at all. And I have experience with this because I knew when my future husband and I started dating again after several years apart that if we got back together I'd have to relocate most likely for his career. And we discussed in detail what my limits are as far as geography -we were lucky because we basically were on the same page about it. We did relocate -and he relocated first but because it was more convenient for both of us -I was pregnant and wanted to be close to family/my doctors. Anyway I would question why he is springing this on you as he is. It's ok if he wants to check things out for a few months but what of the marriage plans - does he expect you to follow him? What about your job?

He can’t be serious about a relationship of out of the blue without discussion wants a job in another country.

He can’t be serious about a relationship of out of the blue without discussion wants a job in another country.

I agree......

How old is he?

You say you talked about marriage later in the year. Is that still on the table?

I think that instead of feeling sorry for yourself that he's moving for a better job, you should be encouraging him to advance his career and be in a job that he likes. It doesn't sound as if he's dumping you; it sounds like he wants to make sure everything works out before he invites you to join him.

How can you expect him to be more specific about how often you'll see each other? He has no idea what the dynamics of the new job will be. Give the guy a break. If your relationship is as 'amazing' as you say it is, he's right...things will work out. Don't be an anchor around his neck.

Sorry to hear this. He is not as invested in the relationship as you are or you thought he was. All you can do is see what happens with his job offer. Is this married couple friends with his ex?

I agree......

 

How old is he?

We are both 33. I feel like Im/we are too old for this long distance thing and I want something more settled now. But its so hard to just if my own reactions are reasonable right now because Im so hurt and shocked.

We are both 33. I feel like Im/we are too old for this long distance thing and I want something more settled now. But its so hard to just if my own reactions are reasonable right now because Im so hurt and shocked.

Is it the long distance or the fact that he didn't include you in the decision making process? I'm sorry you're so upset!

We are both 33. I feel like Im/we are too old for this long distance thing and I want something more settled now. But its so hard to just if my own reactions are reasonable right now because Im so hurt and shocked.

Ouch. I thought he was in his early 20's.

I have to agree with Wisey. i do not believe he is as invested in your future.

You say you talked about marriage later in the year. Is that still on the table?

 

I think that instead of feeling sorry for yourself that he's moving for a better job, you should be encouraging him to advance his career and be in a job that he likes. It doesn't sound as if he's dumping you; it sounds like he wants to make sure everything works out before he invites you to join him.

 

How can you expect him to be more specific about how often you'll see each other? He has no idea what the dynamics of the new job will be. Give the guy a break. If your relationship is as 'amazing' as you say it is, he's right...things will work out. Don't be an anchor around his neck.

I said he was being vague. I didnt say I expect him to give me exact estimates or plans but I dont think after 14 months together wanting kind some rough planning on how much he would like to aim for us to see each other/some kind of idea of how this will work and not just him flying off one day then seeing how it goes is "being an anchor around his neck". Obviously, he does know the basics of the layout of this job for example it is not fulltime but 80% of fulltime hours per week, and he would have weekends off.

I am encouraging him to advance himself. Ive asked around with friends who are in similiar fields if they know of positions, Ive proof-read his presentations and cover letters for him etc etc. Its not about wanting to hold him back in his career.

So if he can see you on weekends -or every other weekend -for the few months he says he needs to get acclimated -would that be ok with you?

Perhaps it's not the moving away in general but the way he left you out of the decision-making process, as everyone else is also saying. You've found yourself having to be indignant and fighting for yourself and feel wronged because of the way he handled the situation. It seems like you've both got a good thing going and understand each other despite this issue. I'd say be patient and don't jump the gun on anything. Wait and see how things turn out for his move and his prospects in the other city. I would be just as hurt as you are but I agree with SarahLancaster. Now is the time to support each other, not break each other down. Be the bigger person in this case and if you do care for each other, learn from this as a couple and encourage each other to grow.

In terms of wanting to see each other more often, that's something that the both of you will have to test and see whether you both have the mettle to work it out over a longer period of time. It's better that you're both growing early on than discovering later on down the line (through some mid-life crisis or some other) that you or either one of you are unhappy in your relationship.

Perhaps it's not the moving away in general but the way he left you out of the decision-making process, as everyone else is also saying.

He can’t be serious about a relationship of out of the blue without discussion wants a job in another country.

Sorry to hear this. He is not as invested in the relationship as you are or you thought he was.

I agree with all of this.

I wonder, if roles had been reversed (you being the one with the job offer overseas) how would have he reacted?

I find rather presumptuous to assume you would move to another country, especially with out the benefit of even being asked. It's great that you are supportive of him but are you getting the same in return? Is his career path and personal life more important than yours? I think this is very telling of things to come.

I agree with Rose M and I'd wait to see how this plays out. At the same time I'd be shoring up my emotions because if he doesn't get the job, I would wonder if he was only with me by default.

Agreed again. Take the high road, encourage him but at the same time, state your position from a place of confidence.

Just wanted to say I was in same position as your bf late last year.

There was a good job OPP in UK for me, a one year contract job, and I wanted to explore it.

I even flew over there.

It really damaged my relationship with my bf at the time, we alomst broke up!

For that and other reasons.

The job fell through, I would not have accepted anyway, even if it hadn't, and we patched things up, and are closer than ever now.

Anyway, your feelings are so understandable, after experiencing what my bf was feeling.

So try to not beat yourself up about it so much, and see how this plays out.

He may change his mind like I did, realize it's not worth the risk of losing you.

This may sound corny but if you don't know what to do, do nothing...let time reveal what's will happened.

I know you are hurt....but I believe he didn't have bad intentions...maybe didn't talk this through or there was not much to say before he knew he get some plans in place

Things will work out....you will see...be light about it otherwise he will feel resentment one day....

Let him do what he wants to do...and trust he thinks of you both...

So if he can see you on weekends -or every other weekend -for the few months he says he needs to get acclimated -would that be ok with you?

Yes that would be okay for me. Every weekend would be a bit much (Its Northen Germany to Switzerland) but if it was every other weekend or something like that and good communication in between as we have right now it would be bearable.

Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate it. We saw each other this evening and were both quite emotional. He said he really regrets the way he went about applying for this job and the conflict its triggered but that he could never just move away and mentally forget what we have. Told me his current job is getting him so down that its also making him fed up with the city in general and just clouding his judgement in things in general. He said if he does take this job he will keep his apartment here during his "trial months" so that he has the opportunity to come back and he will just be back in the same position that he was before.

Now hes apologised and talked through things properly I guess I just have to try and stay calm even though the thought of a few/several months apart seems so tough. Hoping he also considers to not just treat me as an afterthought in all this.

I agree with all of this.

 

I wonder, if roles had been reversed (you being the one with the job offer overseas) how would have he reacted?

Ive asked him the same thing since I found out. He didnt answer but just said he understands how hard it must be etc.

Oh I am so glad he explained himself and he really does seem like he cares and is in a really tough spot right now and stressed. For now I'd forgive him and cut him slack. I'm so glad you talked.

Oh I am so glad he explained himself and he really does seem like he cares and is in a really tough spot right now and stressed. For now I'd forgive him and cut him slack. I'm so glad you talked.

Agree with this.

Hang in there and wait it out. I think you're both doing very well.

Good!!!!!!!!

Do not be his career adviser. Simply reflect on the fact that he is making his plans unilaterally.

Ive asked around with friends who are in similiar fields if they know of positions, Ive proof-read his presentations and cover letters for him etc etc.