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Thread: Boyfriend Job Seeking in Another Country

  1. #1

    Boyfriend Job Seeking in Another Country

    Hey all! :-) I would really appreciate an outside perspective on an issue thats came up with my boyfriend.

    Ive been together with him for just over a year now and its been just amazing. We live in a big city but around the corner from each other so as well as longer spells of time together we are also just able to meet up for a quick coffee or something so see each other at least every other day. He really is also my best friend and we've had no major conflicts that we've had to overcome until now.

    The problem is that hes not happy with his current job. The other day he dropped it on me that he has a trial couple of days in another European country. It was a real blow to me as there are lots of opportunities in the city/country we live in in his field. He has good friends of 10 years, a married couple who are moving to this city for work soon, which he mentioned as a plus for moving there. He also mentioned it would be "an adventure in a way". It was so hurtful to me because it made me wonder what our relationship is in all this then, just a little minor detail/side issue? He said this couple know someone they can link him up with to stay with for his trial/taster days at this company. So as well as going out of his way to look for a job in another country, he obviously told these friends before me about it. I realise such old, close friends are special and pretty much family but we have talked about marriage later in the year. Its not like they thought about moving, then decided to stay because of HIM. They put their shared goals as a couple first but I take this as him not valuing what we have enough to do the same.

    He's cried about it and said he is telling me he loves me more frequently than ever to try to reassure me. He said if he gets this job he would want to go alone for the first few months to make sure he likes the job and city to make sure its not a wasted move for us both. But he was really vague on discussing potentially how often we could see it each other realistically, or on giving a rough idea of how long he would want to wait before deciding if this city is for him and he would feel its secure to say I should join him too. He was litrelly just like "I believe love finds a way to work through these things".

    The way I see it is living in different countries is no light thing in a relationship and that hes being way too casual about something that could be very damaging to what we have. I feel like even if he doesnt go through with this job I will wonder what it says about his love for me. I mean, it would be a completely different thing for me if he had no choice or little choice for example if he had a job where frequent long term travel was part of it and not an option.

    Am I overreacting?

  2. #2
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    You are not overreacting. I too, would be hurt that he told others, before me.

    Did you discuss moving to said country?

  3. #3
    No it was totally out of the blue :-( It wouldnt even have been so bad if he talked to me before he applied, or after. But he waited until this invite from the employer and he had discussed with his friends first who then checked with their contact that he could stay with them...so it must have been over a good few days.

    It would also be a very different thing if he said he wants to move, but he'll wait a bit and we both go together. But he seems to take the strain of being apart for an unspecified time far too lightly. I just wouldnt dream of doing it by choice if was the other way around.

  4. #4
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    I would not like how he handled this at all. And I have experience with this because I knew when my future husband and I started dating again after several years apart that if we got back together I'd have to relocate most likely for his career. And we discussed in detail what my limits are as far as geography -we were lucky because we basically were on the same page about it. We did relocate -and he relocated first but because it was more convenient for both of us -I was pregnant and wanted to be close to family/my doctors. Anyway I would question why he is springing this on you as he is. It's ok if he wants to check things out for a few months but what of the marriage plans - does he expect you to follow him? What about your job?

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    He canít be serious about a relationship of out of the blue without discussion wants a job in another country.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    He canít be serious about a relationship of out of the blue without discussion wants a job in another country.
    I agree......

    How old is he?

  8. #7
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You say you talked about marriage later in the year. Is that still on the table?

    I think that instead of feeling sorry for yourself that he's moving for a better job, you should be encouraging him to advance his career and be in a job that he likes. It doesn't sound as if he's dumping you; it sounds like he wants to make sure everything works out before he invites you to join him.

    How can you expect him to be more specific about how often you'll see each other? He has no idea what the dynamics of the new job will be. Give the guy a break. If your relationship is as 'amazing' as you say it is, he's right...things will work out. Don't be an anchor around his neck.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. He is not as invested in the relationship as you are or you thought he was. All you can do is see what happens with his job offer. Is this married couple friends with his ex?

  10. #9
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I agree......

    How old is he?
    We are both 33. I feel like Im/we are too old for this long distance thing and I want something more settled now. But its so hard to just if my own reactions are reasonable right now because Im so hurt and shocked.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by JillParker
    We are both 33. I feel like Im/we are too old for this long distance thing and I want something more settled now. But its so hard to just if my own reactions are reasonable right now because Im so hurt and shocked.
    Is it the long distance or the fact that he didn't include you in the decision making process? I'm sorry you're so upset!

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