Jump to content

Boyfriend's ex


Pleasehelp19

Recommended Posts

Ok my boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months, and he is an amazing guy. He wants to spend huge amounts of time with my kids and myself, he works and doesn't want to sleep on my couch (like all of my ex's), he is incredibly sweet and I trust him 100%. I knew him all threw highschool but lost touch for 12 years when he found me again. 😊

 

Here is the bad part, he and his ex broke up 3 yrs ago, they decided to stay friends and she convinced him to let her stay in the apartment as a roommate, her own room and everything, and she was working at the time helping out with bills. Well now she hasn't worked in 12 months and he has told her multiple times to leave and she won't or guilts him horribly. He is so sweet but I have to admit a complete door mat, I can't seem to get him to just cut her off. Not only does she not work but between cigs and food I figured out, trying the shock factor on him, that he spends around 350 to 400 on her a month which he can easily afford so he let's it happen. Now don't get me wrong I don't want he money and I know he can't stand her and nothing romantic is going on, but I'm to the point I'm getting pissed.

 

I'm not one to give ultimatums, but I've talked to him about it many times and he basically is waiting for it to resolve itself so he doesn't have to confront her and she obviously isn't going to just leave considering she has a free ride and doesn't have to work, idk what to do anymore.

Link to comment

I think it's inappropriate to have his ex living with him and I question your standards in choosing a mate - is someone who works and doesn't freeload and wants to get attached to your kids at the speed of light all you want? (The latter part is more for you -I know you know him from before but kids get attached so easily and you've been dating less than a year -do you have plans for a more long term commitment like marriage or similar?).

 

She didn't convince him. He chose this situation. He continues to choose this situation. He's "incredibly sweet" -is he also at least reasonably assertive or is he more of a pushover?

 

Talking "many times" doesn't work -you have kids - does "talking many times" get them to do what you want? Or to make different choices? Or to even think about making different choices? He gets a lot of benefits out of her being a roommate -he doesn't have to confront her so he can continue to be passive/incredibly sweet/ he is probably flattered on some level that she wants to be near him and see him all the time, and he doesn't have to go to the effort of finding another roommate.

 

I would not do an ultimatum. I would use I statements. "As you know I am uncomfortable being in a serious relationship with you and letting you get attached to my children when you are choosing to continue letting your ex live with you rent free. You can and should continue this arrangement if it suits you and I will decide what to do about us going forward. I need to decide sooner rather than later especially because my children are involved."

 

That's not an ultimatum. He doesn't have to change a thing. His priority might be to avoid confrontation/be the "passive/nice guy" and perhaps he will choose his ego over you - meaning compromising with you might make him feel like he's sacrificing too much. That's ok -it will just mean you two are incompatible.

Link to comment

Well this is why we date....to find out what they are really like, especially how they handle issues/problem/and crisis. On one hand, he will give the shirt off his back, but on the other hand he is spineless and lets people like her take advantage of him. I agree with the other poster, you need to let him know, how he resolves this issue about the roommate, with determine the future of your relationship. IMO you should step back from seeing him so much, and let him have a good think about his priorities.

Link to comment
He has a perfect right to have his ex living with him. And the fact that she doesn't pay her expenses is his problem and not yours.

 

You can either accept it or move on. He already knows that you don't like it. It's your choice as to what to do next.

 

He has a right and she has a right to her values. If her values don't include being in a committed relationship with someone who is living with his ex in this arrangement then she has the right to express to him that she finds his behavior inconsistent with being in a committed relationship. It's actually not about "rights" but about commitment and how the couple views behavior that is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.

Link to comment
He has a right and she has a right to her values. If her values don't include being in a committed relationship with someone who is living with his ex in this arrangement then she has the right to express to him that she finds his behavior inconsistent with being in a committed relationship. It's actually not about "rights" but about commitment and how the couple views behavior that is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.

 

I agree. No she doesn't really have a say, but she does have a say about how it affects her in this relationship.

Link to comment

His priorities are in disarray. His first priority before dating should have been to kick her out or remove her from his life (it's called boundaries). Now that she's latched onto him, he's procrastinated to the extent that this problem has grown over time. She's gotten used to living there.

 

I agree with all the points to some extent as they all speak to different aspects of a relationship but I don't believe this is about commitment. Before commitment comes respect for one's self, respect for one's property and respect for one's future. There's a total lack of respect to the point of negligent behaviour (a person is just not respectful, self-aware or considerate of himself, his surroundings and the total effect this has on a future partner).

 

In other words, this man seems like a large child and hasn't learned to govern his own world before introducing a third party (relationship). He should be engaging in more self-respect than this. I would consider this a red flag and be very cautious about moving forward in any serious relationship with him. If the both of you start to co-mingle finances and property, you may find yourself entangled with some unattractive childlike qualities in a man that you did not bargain for. You're only just dating. Broaden your thoughts and think about your future and your children.

Link to comment

Unfortunately they still live together because they want to. They still live like a couple and you are a third wheel in their relationship. Rethink how "amazing" this guy really is if the criteria for "amazing" is "he works and doesn't want to sleep on my couch".

he works and doesn't want to sleep on my couch like all of my ex's.

 

he and his ex broke up 3 yrs ago, they decided to stay friends and she convinced him to let her stay in the apartment as a roommate.

Link to comment

Haven't read all of these but loving the advice ty, but to clear a few things up he didn't meet my kids till 2 months after we started talking and didn't start dating till a month after that so talking 3months then dating 10 so we r taking it slow because we want this to work and no I'm not just with him because he doesn't sleep on my couch lol, this ex is literally my only complaint and is only a complaint now because we are talking about trying to live together in the next 6 months to a year but can't cause she won't leave and he is to nice to make here which irritates me, he can't even stand her.

Link to comment
Haven't read all of these but loving the advice ty, but to clear a few things up he didn't meet my kids till 2 months after we started talking and didn't start dating till a month after that so talking 3months then dating 10 so we r taking it slow because we want this to work and no I'm not just with him because he doesn't sleep on my couch lol, this ex is literally my only complaint and is only a complaint now because we are talking about trying to live together in the next 6 months to a year but can't cause she won't leave and he is to nice to make here which irritates me, he can't even stand her.

 

What? You let your kids meet him after "talking" for two months?? What is talking anyway - you talk to a lot of people right? You have friends and acquaintances and potential close friends. You bring them all around your child in case you might actually be in a relationship in the future? Why would you want them to get attached to someone that soon?

 

You are seeing who he is. He is not too nice. Passive is not "nice" -it's passive. Nice is thoughtful and kind from a confident standpoint -a person who helps others because he wants to not because it's better than -gasp -having to assert boundaries.

 

So let's say you live together and your angels start acting up -let's say by that point you're planning to marry so it's reasonable for him to give input on parenting issues. Do you want him to tell you "oh she didn't do her homework because she just looked so sad and cute and I just didn't want to be the bad guy and have her not like me because I made her do her homework before having screen time". Because he will - and this "too nice" crap will get mighty annoying and old mighty fast.

Link to comment

Honestly yes those r concerns too and before it goes any farther that would have to stop or else but as far as my kids first meeting him 1 he was only a friend then and we were getting to know each other again after not seeing each other in 12 yes they understood that and 2 I know better than to let my children get a huge attachment to someone I'm only dating they understand this too, I protect my children before anything else especially before a relationship with anyone else, but ty you you make some good points

Link to comment
Honestly yes those r concerns too and before it goes any farther that would have to stop or else but as far as my kids first meeting him 1 he was only a friend then and we were getting to know each other again after not seeing each other in 12 yes they understood that and 2 I know better than to let my children get a huge attachment to someone I'm only dating they understand this too, I protect my children before anything else especially before a relationship with anyone else, but ty you you make some good points

 

The way to not let your kids get attached is not to expose them to time with a person in your life you are dating. If he happens to come along on an outing and has his own kids -like a playdate -or you run into each other briefly when you're out and about that's fine. What gets kids attached is a person who keeps showing up trying to get to know them and they know that their mama is interested in that person.

Link to comment
but can't cause she won't leave and he is to nice to make here which irritates me, he can't even stand her.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't buy any of that. At all.

 

He doesn't despise her as much as he tells you he does. She'd have been gone long ago if that were the case. He is fine with their arrangement and doesn't really feel the need to change it. He didn't even know how much he was spending on her until you calculated it for him. What does that tell you about how much it really bothers him?

 

As the others have mentioned, the fact that you count having a job and not sleeping on the couch as notable qualities in a boyfriend strongly suggests that your standards for men are low. Very low. It suggests you overlook a lot of poor character traits. This seems to be playing out again, though in a different format.

 

If you really want to see his level of commitment to you, let him know you are not comfortable dating a man who is living with his ex. State your own boundaries. Don't issue an ultimatum. It's not your choice, anyway. You can tell him you appreciate a lot of things about him, but his living situation makes the relationship untenable for you. Be prepared to walk away if nothing changes - not as a means to get him to do what you want, but to preserve your own sanity and find a man who doesn't come with an ex-girlfriend in the next room.

Link to comment

 

Unfortunately they still live together because they want to.

 

They still live like a couple and you are a third wheel in their relationship. Rethink how "amazing" this guy really is if the criteria for "amazing" is "he works and doesn't want to sleep on my couch".

 

This^^. I would never remain in a situation like this. In fact my own "rule" re ex's is I won't even date a man who still keeps in contact with an ex unless they have kids together and are co-parenting.

 

It just causes more confusion and unnecessary drama than it's worth.

 

But that's me, my own self-imposed rule.

 

I don't trust this sit as you described, there's something very fishy about it.

 

You say they're "friends" - friends with benefits perhaps? At the very least.

 

I know that isn't what you want to hear, and I'm sorry, but that's what it sounds like to me.

 

Edit: Just read your update. Why do you both need to talk to her? I'm not getting that at all!

 

In any event, talk is cheap, let's see if he lives up to his word.

 

Best of luck.

Link to comment
This^^. I would never remain in a situation like this. In fact my own "rule" re ex's is I won't even date a man who still keeps in contact with an ex unless they have kids together and are co-parenting.

 

It just causes more confusion and unnecessary drama than it's worth.

 

But that's me, my own self-imposed rule.

 

I don't trust it, there's something very fishy about it.

 

You say they're "friends" - friends with benefits perhaps? At the very least.

 

I know that isn't what you want to hear, and I'm sorry, but that's what it sounds like to me.

 

Ironically I married my ex and we had extremely limited contact for the almost 8 years we were apart - definitely not friends. barely acquaintances. I would never have tolerated someone living with his ex. My husband and I have both remained friendly with/friends with exes over the years and no issues.

Link to comment

I understand y'all's points but I can assure you there isn't a friend's with benefits thing going on, he is literally a pushover he was the same in highschool lol but we talked and he said he doesn't want to lose me and we will see what happens. As for me talking to her with him that was my idea and he said that was fine, like I said he is a pushover and I'm loving he is finally gonna put his foot down but I'm going to make sure he either follows threw with it or if he doesn't I know my next step.

Link to comment
Ok took some of the advice, y'all have been very helpful. I talked to him and he agrees it's been inappropriate so he and I agreed we'd both talk to her and leave her the apartment because it's to small anyway and get a place together, ty y'all again so much

 

From your first post:

 

>> I can't seem to get him to just cut her off.

 

I'm so curious what you said that would convince him, after three years in this situation with no budge to change it, to finally agree to talk to her (with you there). Leave her the apt and get a place with you?

 

What did you say that had not been said previously ? Must've been some pretty powerful words, wow.

 

I hope it all works out for you.

Link to comment
I understand y'all's points but I can assure you there isn't a friend's with benefits thing going on, he is literally a pushover he was the same in highschool lol but we talked and he said he doesn't want to lose me and we will see what happens. As for me talking to her with him that was my idea and he said that was fine, like I said he is a pushover and I'm loving he is finally gonna put his foot down but I'm going to make sure he either follows threw with it or if he doesn't I know my next step.

 

He's still being a pushover. Except he's being "pushed over" by you.

 

Sounds like the kind of guy who will agree with anyone who's in front of him just so he can avoid anyone getting mad at him.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...