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Thread: Boyfriend's ex

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately they still live together because they want to. They still live like a couple and you are a third wheel in their relationship. Rethink how "amazing" this guy really is if the criteria for "amazing" is "he works and doesn't want to sleep on my couch".
    Originally Posted by Pleasehelp19
    he works and doesn't want to sleep on my couch like all of my ex's.

    he and his ex broke up 3 yrs ago, they decided to stay friends and she convinced him to let her stay in the apartment as a roommate.

  2. #12
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    Haven't read all of these but loving the advice ty, but to clear a few things up he didn't meet my kids till 2 months after we started talking and didn't start dating till a month after that so talking 3months then dating 10 so we r taking it slow because we want this to work and no I'm not just with him because he doesn't sleep on my couch lol, this ex is literally my only complaint and is only a complaint now because we are talking about trying to live together in the next 6 months to a year but can't cause she won't leave and he is to nice to make here which irritates me, he can't even stand her.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Pleasehelp19
    Haven't read all of these but loving the advice ty, but to clear a few things up he didn't meet my kids till 2 months after we started talking and didn't start dating till a month after that so talking 3months then dating 10 so we r taking it slow because we want this to work and no I'm not just with him because he doesn't sleep on my couch lol, this ex is literally my only complaint and is only a complaint now because we are talking about trying to live together in the next 6 months to a year but can't cause she won't leave and he is to nice to make here which irritates me, he can't even stand her.
    What? You let your kids meet him after "talking" for two months?? What is talking anyway - you talk to a lot of people right? You have friends and acquaintances and potential close friends. You bring them all around your child in case you might actually be in a relationship in the future? Why would you want them to get attached to someone that soon?

    You are seeing who he is. He is not too nice. Passive is not "nice" -it's passive. Nice is thoughtful and kind from a confident standpoint -a person who helps others because he wants to not because it's better than -gasp -having to assert boundaries.

    So let's say you live together and your angels start acting up -let's say by that point you're planning to marry so it's reasonable for him to give input on parenting issues. Do you want him to tell you "oh she didn't do her homework because she just looked so sad and cute and I just didn't want to be the bad guy and have her not like me because I made her do her homework before having screen time". Because he will - and this "too nice" crap will get mighty annoying and old mighty fast.

  4. #14
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    Yeah, I don't buy it. He would have gotten her out if he wanted her out. Along those lines. he'd make it happen if he truly wanted to live with you. He's just feeding you excuses.

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  6. #15
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    Honestly yes those r concerns too and before it goes any farther that would have to stop or else but as far as my kids first meeting him 1 he was only a friend then and we were getting to know each other again after not seeing each other in 12 yes they understood that and 2 I know better than to let my children get a huge attachment to someone I'm only dating they understand this too, I protect my children before anything else especially before a relationship with anyone else, but ty you you make some good points

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Pleasehelp19
    Honestly yes those r concerns too and before it goes any farther that would have to stop or else but as far as my kids first meeting him 1 he was only a friend then and we were getting to know each other again after not seeing each other in 12 yes they understood that and 2 I know better than to let my children get a huge attachment to someone I'm only dating they understand this too, I protect my children before anything else especially before a relationship with anyone else, but ty you you make some good points
    The way to not let your kids get attached is not to expose them to time with a person in your life you are dating. If he happens to come along on an outing and has his own kids -like a playdate -or you run into each other briefly when you're out and about that's fine. What gets kids attached is a person who keeps showing up trying to get to know them and they know that their mama is interested in that person.

  8. #17
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    They see him maybe 2 to 3 times a month I'm aware of this, again my kids are fine and not the issue I'm having.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Pleasehelp19
    but can't cause she won't leave and he is to nice to make here which irritates me, he can't even stand her.
    I'm sorry, but I don't buy any of that. At all.

    He doesn't despise her as much as he tells you he does. She'd have been gone long ago if that were the case. He is fine with their arrangement and doesn't really feel the need to change it. He didn't even know how much he was spending on her until you calculated it for him. What does that tell you about how much it really bothers him?

    As the others have mentioned, the fact that you count having a job and not sleeping on the couch as notable qualities in a boyfriend strongly suggests that your standards for men are low. Very low. It suggests you overlook a lot of poor character traits. This seems to be playing out again, though in a different format.

    If you really want to see his level of commitment to you, let him know you are not comfortable dating a man who is living with his ex. State your own boundaries. Don't issue an ultimatum. It's not your choice, anyway. You can tell him you appreciate a lot of things about him, but his living situation makes the relationship untenable for you. Be prepared to walk away if nothing changes - not as a means to get him to do what you want, but to preserve your own sanity and find a man who doesn't come with an ex-girlfriend in the next room.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Pleasehelp19
    They see him maybe 2 to 3 times a month I'm aware of this, again my kids are fine and not the issue I'm having.
    Yes they are fine right now. Too much risk in this situation - the effects come out later especially if the two of you break up.

  11. #20
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    Ok took some of the advice, y'all have been very helpful. I talked to him and he agrees it's been inappropriate so he and I agreed we'd both talk to her and leave her the apartment because it's to small anyway and get a place together, ty y'all again so much

  12. 04-18-2019, 06:13 PM


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