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Thread: Boyfriend's ex

  1. #1
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    Boyfriend's ex

    Ok my boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months, and he is an amazing guy. He wants to spend huge amounts of time with my kids and myself, he works and doesn't want to sleep on my couch (like all of my ex's), he is incredibly sweet and I trust him 100%. I knew him all threw highschool but lost touch for 12 years when he found me again. 😊

    Here is the bad part, he and his ex broke up 3 yrs ago, they decided to stay friends and she convinced him to let her stay in the apartment as a roommate, her own room and everything, and she was working at the time helping out with bills. Well now she hasn't worked in 12 months and he has told her multiple times to leave and she won't or guilts him horribly. He is so sweet but I have to admit a complete door mat, I can't seem to get him to just cut her off. Not only does she not work but between cigs and food I figured out, trying the shock factor on him, that he spends around 350 to 400 on her a month which he can easily afford so he let's it happen. Now don't get me wrong I don't want he money and I know he can't stand her and nothing romantic is going on, but I'm to the point I'm getting pissed.

    I'm not one to give ultimatums, but I've talked to him about it many times and he basically is waiting for it to resolve itself so he doesn't have to confront her and she obviously isn't going to just leave considering she has a free ride and doesn't have to work, idk what to do anymore.

  2. #2
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    You can't force his hand. He's going to have to man up on his own.

    You either get to choose to be along for the ride and wait it out or to get out of the car.

  3. #3
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    I think it's inappropriate to have his ex living with him and I question your standards in choosing a mate - is someone who works and doesn't freeload and wants to get attached to your kids at the speed of light all you want? (The latter part is more for you -I know you know him from before but kids get attached so easily and you've been dating less than a year -do you have plans for a more long term commitment like marriage or similar?).

    She didn't convince him. He chose this situation. He continues to choose this situation. He's "incredibly sweet" -is he also at least reasonably assertive or is he more of a pushover?

    Talking "many times" doesn't work -you have kids - does "talking many times" get them to do what you want? Or to make different choices? Or to even think about making different choices? He gets a lot of benefits out of her being a roommate -he doesn't have to confront her so he can continue to be passive/incredibly sweet/ he is probably flattered on some level that she wants to be near him and see him all the time, and he doesn't have to go to the effort of finding another roommate.

    I would not do an ultimatum. I would use I statements. "As you know I am uncomfortable being in a serious relationship with you and letting you get attached to my children when you are choosing to continue letting your ex live with you rent free. You can and should continue this arrangement if it suits you and I will decide what to do about us going forward. I need to decide sooner rather than later especially because my children are involved."

    That's not an ultimatum. He doesn't have to change a thing. His priority might be to avoid confrontation/be the "passive/nice guy" and perhaps he will choose his ego over you - meaning compromising with you might make him feel like he's sacrificing too much. That's ok -it will just mean you two are incompatible.

  4. #4
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Well this is why we date....to find out what they are really like, especially how they handle issues/problem/and crisis. On one hand, he will give the shirt off his back, but on the other hand he is spineless and lets people like her take advantage of him. I agree with the other poster, you need to let him know, how he resolves this issue about the roommate, with determine the future of your relationship. IMO you should step back from seeing him so much, and let him have a good think about his priorities.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    He has a perfect right to have his ex living with him. And the fact that she doesn't pay her expenses is his problem and not yours.

    You can either accept it or move on. He already knows that you don't like it. It's your choice as to what to do next.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    He has a perfect right to have his ex living with him. And the fact that she doesn't pay her expenses is his problem and not yours.

    You can either accept it or move on. He already knows that you don't like it. It's your choice as to what to do next.
    He has a right and she has a right to her values. If her values don't include being in a committed relationship with someone who is living with his ex in this arrangement then she has the right to express to him that she finds his behavior inconsistent with being in a committed relationship. It's actually not about "rights" but about commitment and how the couple views behavior that is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.

  8. #7
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    He has a right and she has a right to her values. If her values don't include being in a committed relationship with someone who is living with his ex in this arrangement then she has the right to express to him that she finds his behavior inconsistent with being in a committed relationship. It's actually not about "rights" but about commitment and how the couple views behavior that is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.
    I agree. No she doesn't really have a say, but she does have a say about how it affects her in this relationship.

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    I would move on from this.

    You criteria for a good bf. is one that does not sleep on the couch? Yikes.

    How soon did your kids meet this guy?

  10. #9
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    His priorities are in disarray. His first priority before dating should have been to kick her out or remove her from his life (it's called boundaries). Now that she's latched onto him, he's procrastinated to the extent that this problem has grown over time. She's gotten used to living there.

    I agree with all the points to some extent as they all speak to different aspects of a relationship but I don't believe this is about commitment. Before commitment comes respect for one's self, respect for one's property and respect for one's future. There's a total lack of respect to the point of negligent behaviour (a person is just not respectful, self-aware or considerate of himself, his surroundings and the total effect this has on a future partner).

    In other words, this man seems like a large child and hasn't learned to govern his own world before introducing a third party (relationship). He should be engaging in more self-respect than this. I would consider this a red flag and be very cautious about moving forward in any serious relationship with him. If the both of you start to co-mingle finances and property, you may find yourself entangled with some unattractive childlike qualities in a man that you did not bargain for. You're only just dating. Broaden your thoughts and think about your future and your children.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    That's who he is. Do you really want to be the bad cop in your relationship? Because if he is a pushover, that's the part you get to play in such a relationship dynamic.

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