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I need to shake this wedding fever!!!!


Nouriesmom19

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My boyfriend and I have been together over a year. We live together and I'm madly in love with him. He's fully committed to me, he loves me and he's even helping me raise my daughter. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be married. I know that it'll probably be smart to wait. I'm still in school, he's not sure of what he wants to do yet. We're both still young (Me, 21 Him, 25) but I just cant shake this feeling of wanting to get to the alter as soon as possible. Idk if it's because I saw my mom and sisters in happy marriages or because I just love him so much. But I just cant stop thinking about it. He says he eventually will marry me but he always tells me that i need to just relax and enjoy what we have now. Idk why it's so hard. I constantly look at rings and wedding dresses and it even upsets me a little if I hear that one of his friends is getting married or having a baby. Idk what else to do. I wish I didnt feel this way. I'm desperate. And i need advice.

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You need to relaxxxx. Take it from me I married young and it didn’t even last a yr. This feeling will pass if you give yourself time. For now block anything wedding or engagment related. You’re in a great relationship and when you’re both ready he’ll ask. For now just love being in love and in a great relationship.

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Try and recondition your mind and enjoy your hobbies and reorient yourself. You sound like you may have a very young child so it's difficult thinking of anything else other than her (and your family life). It's hard but it's not impossible. Think bigger, breathe deeply, smell the roses, be grateful for everything and take it slow. You'll appreciate a lot more that way.

 

A ring or a wedding dress or a marriage certificate won't fill any void you may have inside you. If you're feeling wistful or jealous, try and work through why you feel that way. You mentioned only the material aspects/symbols of marriage (rings and wedding dresses) but didn't speak about anything spiritual or deeper/beyond that. I think you're empty of something and it hurts you. I'd caution using marriage to fill any voids. Once you have that ring on and the bells and priests/ministers and flowers are tucked away, you'll be left, once again, with your partner and your daughter in the same house, you'll all be wearing the same clothes, eating the same food, living the same life. Nothing changes. You may expect more out of life and you may be bitter if you're expecting life to feel different. It most likely won't. Ask yourself what you're expecting to achieve with marriage and whether you're being realistic about those expectations, what you want out of life for yourself.

 

What are you studying in school?

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What do you think a marriage certificate will bring you that you don't have right now?

 

Since you are urgently feeling this, I am guessing there is something you are trying to soothe within you.

 

Yep...

 

I mean you already have everything but the ceremony and title. Cows free milk that whole scenario...

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How old is your daughter? Were you married to her father? Is the father involved in her life? Does he have visitation/shared custody and pay child support? How long after starting to date did you move in with him?

 

Keep in mind living together is for economic convenience and convenient sex. It is not a prelude to marriage. he seems happy just living together and is clearly not as invested as you are. Focus on school, your daughter, financial independence and your career and future.

My boyfriend and I have been together over a year.

We live together.

helping me raise my daughter.

I'm still in school, he's not sure of what he wants to do yet.

He says he eventually will marry me but he always tells me that i need to just relax and enjoy what we have now.

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I would stop pushing and ask yourself the internal question "If I knew he was never going to marry me how long would I stay" -and stay that long. I don't like his response of "enjoy what we have" - of course you should, of course you are. And people who have goals of marriage also should enjoy the moment, enjoy what you have right then -you can go with the flow and have a future goal in mind. People do that all the time in many aspects of life.

 

I would limit his interaction with your daughter if it doesn't seem like you two are on the same page about marriage because she's going to get more and more attached -not fair to her.

 

I love your reasons for wanting a marital commitment.

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The human brain isn't fully formed until age 25. Probably the reason why people who marry before this age have a higher divorce rate of 75%. Perhaps also the reason you're no longer with the father of your child. Sometimes you haven't had enough life experience to wisely choose a lifetime partner.

 

Maybe he will end up being the lifetime partner you seek. Make a must-have and dealbreaker list and see if he's meeting all of those major needs and lacks dealbreakers. He's not comfortable marrying after a year into a relationship which is reasonable. Take the next few years and evaluate if you two are compatible or not as lifetime partners. As others have said, if you need some excitement in your life, focus on saving for a mini-trip, or start a new hobby you can do by yourself or with your child and/or your bf. Put your all into doing well in college as you always want to be in a place, financially, that you don't need a man in your life for financial reasons. Join a college club that people in your major will benefit from. Try to live in the moment instead of projecting into the future and appreciate what you have right now.

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My mother married at 21 and the marriage only lasted 62.5 years (my father passed away). My best friend from high school married at 21. They've only lasted almost 32 years so far - they started dating in their teens like my parents and grew up together basically and are so happy. Stay tuned! Of course teen marriages probably aren't the best idea and I don't really buy the "wait till your brain is fully formed at 25" - I completely agree that she has the time to explore in herself why she wants this so badly plus all the other qualities/insights you mentioned.

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My mother married at 21 and the marriage only lasted 62.5 years (my father passed away). My best friend from high school married at 21. They've only lasted almost 32 years so far - they started dating in their teens like my parents and grew up together basically and are so happy. Stay tuned! Of course teen marriages probably aren't the best idea and I don't really buy the "wait till your brain is fully formed at 25" - I completely agree that she has the time to explore in herself why she wants this so badly plus all the other qualities/insights you mentioned.

 

Yes, my own parents married at age 20/23 and are still married. IMO, however, I believe many of those who took the leap so young were plain lucky they ended up with a winner who was faithful and made the equal effort needed to sustain a loving relationship, regardless of their decision making skills not being totally matured. Whereas some people aren't as lucky. I knew my mother got married at age 20 and I saw that as normal and a pattern I would copy, so I married at age 21. When I look back, I see my brain needed far more maturing and life experience, because I married regardless of the red flags.

 

I wish I had waited to make that major life decision, because it was a mistake which ended in divorce. Whereas, if I had lucked out and been with a guy without dealbreakers and married at 21, there's a good possibility we would have matured and grown old together, even though we were just dumb kids when we made that momentous decision.

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Yes, my own parents married at age 20/23 and are still married. IMO, however, I believe many of those who took the leap so young were plain lucky they ended up with a winner who was faithful and made the equal effort needed to sustain a loving relationship, regardless of their decision making skills not being totally matured. Whereas some people aren't as lucky. I knew my mother got married at age 20 and I saw that as normal and a pattern I would copy, so I married at age 21. When I look back, I see my brain needed far more maturing and life experience, because I married regardless of the red flags.

 

I wish I had waited to make that major life decision, because it was a mistake which ended in divorce. Whereas, if I had lucked out and been with a guy without dealbreakers and married at 21, there's a good possibility we would have matured and grown old together, even though we were just dumb kids when we made that momentous decision.

 

Yes I respect your opinion and do not see it as cut and dried for an adult based on the science of "brain not formed". My niece married at 17 and became a mom at 19, married now for about 6 years very happy. I am reluctant to tell a person over 21 she/he is "too young" for marriage and very comfortable taking age into account as a factor when a 21 year old wants to marry. I almost married at 24-was engaged at 23 - because I was so desperate to be married already and to start to have a family so I chose Mr. Right on Paper -I was settling. Looking back it was not because my brain wasn't formed -it was because I personally didn't have the right mindset/level of self-confidence to choose to wait for the right person not just Mr. Right on Paper.

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May women feel moving in is a "step" to marriage. For many men, its simply moving in. You didn't "bag a man" or insure he will marry you by moving in with him. He can say anything he wants about a future, but the truth is, if he is looking for a wife, he would have not moved in. he would have proposed if he felt you were the one or if it was at that point in the relationship or after just a year or so, he would carefully consider if you were the one for him and wouldn't have jumped to moving in and taking on the care of your daughter. Because even if he did want to marry you, taking care of your kid does not ensure you would marry him either..... so many posters talk about feeling like the built in babysitter and then their women's head turns towards someone else.

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Only 62.5 years? Oh the horror. Lol. :D

 

I'm so sorry about your dad Bat. It's tough losing a parent, but I had to chuckle at "only" 62.5 years. Tnx for that. :D

 

Thank you! I wasn't close with my father and I loved and respected him. It was somewhat of a relief because he was suffering so. My mother of course realizes that she was a "baby" when she married but she's one of many examples of people who are ready to get married before 25.

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