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Thread: Is it wrong to break up with your partner after they became paralysed?

  1. #1

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    Is it wrong to break up with your partner after they became paralysed?

    So I recently came out of hospital from a minor operation, and it got me asking a big question; what if I came out of the hospital having to adjust to the new life of not being able to control my body from waist down?

    I have been with my boyfriend since high school and we've grown up a lot together. We have become very serious and at times talked about marriage and kids and our future together wherever it may be. When I asked him "what if I got into a freak accident and lost my legs or became paralysed babe, what would you do?" after not much thought, he answered "I don't think you can expect me to stay in a relationship with you. I would be there for you and wouldn't just leave you, but I can't commit to stay in a relationship with you. I have my happiness to think about and the same would apply to you if the situation was the other way around. Though this would be different if we were married because of the "in sickness and in health" thing."

    After hearing that my heart honestly dropped. I thought it was fair for him to say that because in that situation you really cannot blame someone for leaving you because the life of taking care of someone like that would be miserable; you cannot expect someone to care and love you in that situation and you have to put yourself in their shoe too. Their days would be so heavily focused on taking care of you in almost every way and it would be exhausting both mentally and physically. This would become a form of codependency and it could potentially drag the mental wellbeing of the carer down to a toxic level. If they decided to leave because of these reasons, I can't and wouldn't blame them at all.

    While that is the case, at the same time, this really made me question my relationship and now I am faced with doubt and confusion. My heart dropped because it made our relationship seem superficial. I thought how can you tell me that you would be there for me but at the same time you could one day be with someone new and the only reason why and how you were able to do that was from me becoming paralysed from a freak accident? It fkn sucks and really hurts to hear that. Also, forget the "in sickness and in health" part of the marriage, how does marriage make the difference in this? If you only stay with me because of the stupid vows you made at the altar but not actually be emotionally involved with me, then what is the point? Should we even get married one day if that was the case? Should I even stay with him knowing his answer? I have always been that girl who believes if he doesn't want to be with me then I won't stop him from leaving; I would rather be alone than force a relationship no matter how serious it was.

    Now talking about my side, how I would feel if this was reversed, I would not know what to do. I don't want to place a definite answer that "yes, I will stay no matter what" because its easier said than done to be with someone like that. Though when the moment the question was asked my way, I told him his answer was fair and I would probably be the same, but I had a warm feeling in my heart and it whispered "yes, I want to stay with you no matter what". I didn't end up telling him how I may have truly felt because I was taken back by his answer.

    I'm now really torn between both sides and if anyone could give some advice that would be greatly appreciated.
    Last edited by amytpham; 04-17-2019 at 10:19 AM.

  2. #2
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    For me, I'd stay if married. That's what I signed up for when I said the vows. That is a definite answer.

  3. #3
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    I would stay with my partner if they were in a wheelchair but they didn't have any brain damage. But if they had reasonably bad damage then I'm not actually sure...I probably wouldn't mind if my partner was burnt or scarred either. I work as a support worker and I've worked with quite a few people with acquired brain injury and honestly it's very difficult (due to the psychological and cognitive issues). A lot of people with ABI can't regulate their emotions and/or their memory is so bad that they just keep repeating the same things. I think if my partner is physically disabled but the mind is fine and we can still have intellectual conversations then it's not as bad.

    Keep in mind though that people have different thresholds of what they can deal with. I wouldn't just outright say that your relationship is superficial. This hypothetical scenario is not even just a matter of being shallow (e.g. if you get scarred) but it means fully dedicating yourself to physically take care of you. I mean of course that makes things very difficult and even sex may not be possible, which is very important in a relationship.

  4. #4
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Hey at least he's being honest. But we never know how we feel until it actually happens. We can never predict our behavior/decisions in serious situations, standing on the outside looking in.

    On the flip side, therapists have been known to fall in love with their patient, so there would be hope for new love.

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  6. #5
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    Holy sh**, what a loaded question to ask your partner, geez!

    I would think when you love your partner and are committed, married or not, you would stay, no question!

    I would never even consider leaving my bf if something like that happened to him.

    That's what committment means, not bailing when things become tough or challenging.

    Imo the way your bf answered that question was cold and selfish and would suggest he neither loves you nor is committed to you.
    Sorry.

  7. #6
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    I would never marry that person or have kids with them period. Marriage is forever, even despite illness or injury.

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    What happens if you have a child with a disability? Is he screwing off then too ?

  9. #8
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    You had a minor operation and then tested your bf with a what if question?

    People ask others what if you won the lottery , what would you do?
    The answers are vast and varied. And most answers donít reflect what a person would actually do because itís a hypothetical practical question and not a real genuine one involving reality and emotions it would bring.

    My friends husband had a stroke in his 40ís, they had 4 children. She has only recently divorced him 6 years later. Why? Because the stroke changed his personality and they both could no longer make it work .
    Fine , a stroke does cause brain changes.
    Losing ones legs and being wheelchair bound doesnít directly affect ones brain but depending on the strength of that person they will either become negative or positive about their own situation , likewise the partner will either become negative or positive.

    Iím more concerned about your question raised over his response to your answer.
    And your reaction to his answer.
    He is simply more practical than you. You are more emotional than him.

    But neither of you can possibly know how you would react in that instance.
    Stop asking silly questions and questioning your relationship.

  10. #9
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    I once became very attracted to a man who was paralyzed from the waste down from a motorcycle accident.

    Man was he hot! Great looking and his upper body, oy vay!

    I met him at a singles event, we chatted for a long time, he took my number but never called. :(

    I would have defintely gone out with him if he had. He appeared to be extremely confident - self-sufficent, owned a home, was successful etc. Great energy!

    Sexually, there are so many ways to satisfy other then straight intercourse.

    Wouldn't give a rat's rear end what anyone thought about it either!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Hey at least he's being honest. But we never know how we feel until it actually happens. We can never predict our behavior/decisions in serious situations, standing on the outside looking in.

    On the flip side, therapists have been known to fall in love with their patient, so there would be hope for new love.
    I agree with this... although I have no experience with therapists part

    While I think getting pi$$ed off and upset about something that hasn't happened or may never happen is kinda silly, maybe it's a good thing that you uncovered this side of your bf now vs. down the road.

    No one can predict how they might feel in these situations... and I would hazard a guess that plenty of people who swear up and down they wouldn't leave their partners in times of crisis might secretly feel differently, or change their mind when the situations actually arise.

    I would be paying close attention from now on as to how he handles these types of situations with you, and how you handle them together, as that will tell you a lot about him and how he will be down the road.

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