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Thread: Confused about how to move forward with this friendship

  1. #11
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    You need to be patient when developing friendships. Expecting there to be intimacy, accountability and commitment after just a few weeks of messaging is completely unrealistic. You are just getting to know each other, and the person is reaching out to you to connect which means he wants to keep getting to know you. Not everyone opens up right away, some take awhile to build trust, and part of that is letting go of expectations and getting to know them and learning to accept them for who they are.

    I definitely agree that meeting in real life would be a great idea... in the meantime, slow your roll and continue investing time and energy into developing friendships beyond this one.

  2. #12
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    So I have a few things to add to the insights here. I message with women from my Facebook groups. They are local and some live much closer to me than others. Very often we know people in common. Iíve met a few in person. One live last right near me and although we clicked and still chat we havenít put ok effort to schedule another get together. We have kids who know each other but we met without them.
    In another case I messaged a lot over time with a woman who lives a 20 minute drive away. She was the first to suggest meeting. I suggested dates and offered to come to her - and bring my son because my husband would be away. Sheíd suggested her home.
    But for some reason she (and she had complained a lot about not having enough friends in our new city - new to us) really wanted my husband to come too since her husband would be home that day. On a practical level I just couldnít make that work.
    And it was unusual - Iíd be happy to meet him or he was free to make his own plans. So then I suggested she and I meet for lunch near her (she wonít drive on a highway or take the train - I could take the train). On a weekday. She agreed but never to a date. For over a month after that I didnít hear from her other than a polite conversation ending response. Now we are chatting again somewhat but Iím not comfortable inviting myself over to her house. Itís her turn. Not sure what happened.
    I also can tell you that many times Iíve messaged with women from my moms groups who are totally enthusiastic about meeting people and complain about not having friends. They are happy to chat but not willing to put in the effort to meet. I am happy to meet halfway as far as effort but thatís it.(and happy to travel to them if it makes sense) Itís frustrating. I have a meetup scheduled for next month. Weíll see. Sorry youíre going through this.

  3. #13
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    You all make very valid points and itís interesting to read all your perspectives.

    Rose Mosse I fully take your point but I guess itís weird to those who havenít done it and less weird to those of us who have. I mean online dating was considered weird at one point but now lots of people do it. I guess because I live in quite a remote place and thereís not much going on here I thought Iíd see if it opened up my chances of making new friends. It worked for me in the past in that my current 10 year relationship started online, my last one did too and I have several long term friends who I all initially met through some online platform so it can be a good tool albeit not one that should be relied on.
    You are right though in that there is no commitment there and itís very different to dating.

    Maew I completely agree and I donít expect anything but Iím just not sure whether itís a bit one sided now. I just donít want to message someone if they aren't interested in reading them. We have spoken a lot up until recently but now itís really dropped down mainly because once youíve spoken about who you are and what you do and likes/dislikes etc thereís less conversation to be had going forward other than howís your day been and what are you up to? Weíve kinda exhausted all the initial getting to know you conversation and I fully take all your points on board.

    Batya itís very interesting to read your experiences in things. I guess youíve got more in common with both having kids but yes it is a weird one when people want friends but then donít seem to with their actions.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    The guy offered another time, youíre the one who thwarted that with overthinking. So either stop spinning, propose another time and allow for normal processes of renegotiation around that, and meet the dude, or settle for being a pen pal, or skip him. Donít expect him to double down on his thwarted attempt to reschedule, he already tapped that ball to you.

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