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Thread: Confused about how to move forward with this friendship

  1. #1
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    Confused about how to move forward with this friendship

    Hey all,

    So Iím looking for some advice regarding a friend I have recently made online.

    We met on a friendship app, I moved recently and wanted to find some new friends in the area however this person ironically isnít in my area.

    Iíve had a few other connections with people like this but conversations didnít really go anywhere. However me and this person connected right away and the conversation just flowed and we get on really well.

    Initially they made contact with me and we messaged every day, quite a lot through the day and inevitably this has tailed off to a few times a week. However I just canít work out whether they want to remain friends or not.

    We both put a lot of time in at the beginning and were very open about how much we got on but over the last few weeks Iíve gotten the feeling that they arenít really that interested in being friends anymore.

    This is absolutely fine because I know that things can change but Iím confused as to whether that is the case or not and how I should move forward.

    For example Iíve suggested meeting up and gave them an out in case they didnít want to but they said that they did and they suggested a day and place etc but then because of work commitments itís now been cancelled.

    I kinda suspected this may happen so thought that Iíd just leave them alone but then after a few days of not messaging Iíll get a message saying Ďhey whatís up? Iíve been doing such and such...and what have you been up to...?í and then weíll have a chatty conversation for a bit so then I think Ok maybe they do want to stay friends but then often I will send them a message and itíll be 24 hours before they read it let alone reply.

    So I donít know whether to pursue this friendship or not. A large part of me wants to because we get on really well and have made a lot of effort with each other but then the other part of me thinks that if they take 24 hours to read my messages then they clearly arenít interested. If I choose to leave it alone and then get a message from them do I just ignore it now or ask them what they actually want out of this?

    Iíve got a quite a few online friends and I was hoping that this would turn into an actual friendship so I donít really want a text buddy.

    Itís confusing because even though Iíve had proper romantic relationships through online sites etc Iíve never actually done the friend thing before.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Are you wanting a friendship only with this person or are you looking for something romantic?

    Is the other person a he or a she?

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Are you wanting a friendship only with this person or are you looking for something romantic?

    Is the other person a he or a she?
    I'm definitely only looking for a friendship and the other person is a he.

    I think the issue for me is that I'm quite a loyal friend and I try to be there for people when I can and if I get the feeling that someone is being flaky then I wonder whether I should waste my time with that person. I'm just not sure if that's the case here or not and because I don't often click with people that easily it's a pleasant surprise when I do.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When a person cancels a get together, it's up to them to reschedule. If I had to be the one cancelling and valued the friendship, I'd be looking on my calendar right way and choosing a new date when we're both free.

    A connection on line is not reality unless it also translates to the in-person connection, and you haven't even been able to check that part out.

    I'd say something like this: I joined this app to meet friends for get togethers. I'm really not into being chat buddies, and with our distance, it's obvious it'll be too hard to arrange meet ups. I'm going to concentrate on the friends I'm making locally and wish you the best.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    When a person cancels a get together, it's up to them to reschedule. If I had to be the one cancelling and valued the friendship, I'd be looking on my calendar right way and choosing a new date when we're both free.

    A connection on line is not reality unless it also translates to the in-person connection, and you haven't even been able to check that part out.

    I'd say something like this: I joined this app to meet friends for get togethers. I'm really not into being chat buddies, and with our distance, it's obvious it'll be too hard to arrange meet ups. I'm going to concentrate on the friends I'm making locally and wish you the best.
    I think you're right but to be fair, when they cancelled they did suggest another date. I just didn't acknowledge it at the time as I assumed he was just moving the goal posts. Also neither of us have done this before and he may be scared to meet at this point. I had a previous online friend who I'm good friends with 9 years later, we didn't meet for the first three years!!!

    We don't communicate on the app anymore, he offered me his number a while ago and both follow each other on Facebook. Even though we don't live near each other we both frequent the same town quite often so we could meet but haven't actually been there at the same time yet. I just don't get the whole delayed reply thing but then maybe I should just say what you said. I just don't want to come across as really pushy or really forward.

  7. #6
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    My advice would be to really get this meeting going in real life. I guess it's still possible to be friends with someone a distance away and only catch up occasionally, but I think for that to work you would first need to get to know each other properly in person. It can take a long time to truly know people and I don't think you can say you even click with this guy for real because people can seem different online.

    I think you should just suggest to meet again and set a particular date and time. If he flakes out and doesn't reschedule then I would say just leave it.

    The other thing too is that some people actually do just want to chat online and don't care to meet in person. I agree with you, I think there's not much point to continue chatting online indefinitely unless you know each other in real life too.

    I personally think that there's not much point in having online friends at all because you can't share any hobbies or interests together in person. I know some people still like having online friends though and when real life friends are lacking, it's still better than no friends.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    What freindship app did you meet on?

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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    My advice would be to really get this meeting going in real life. I guess it's still possible to be friends with someone a distance away and only catch up occasionally, but I think for that to work you would first need to get to know each other properly in person. It can take a long time to truly know people and I don't think you can say you even click with this guy for real because people can seem different online.

    I think you should just suggest to meet again and set a particular date and time. If he flakes out and doesn't reschedule then I would say just leave it.

    The other thing too is that some people actually do just want to chat online and don't care to meet in person. I agree with you, I think there's not much point to continue chatting online indefinitely unless you know each other in real life too.

    I personally think that there's not much point in having online friends at all because you can't share any hobbies or interests together in person. I know some people still like having online friends though and when real life friends are lacking, it's still better than no friends.
    Yeah maybe I should or should I just ask what weíre doing? Thing is if he doesnít think thereís an issue then I donít want to sound crazy but as you say thereís no point in bothering if weíre never going to meet. I do have Ďonlineí friends who I know I wonít meet but in this app itís meant to be about making actual friends and this one I feel we could get on well in person and it was supposedly reciprocated. However moving to a real offline friendship can be daunting if youíve not done it before.

    I just donít want to come across as pushy and like Iím rushing everything when some things just happen in time but at the same time I donít want to be annoying and send messages that arenít wanted.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    What freindship app did you meet on?
    Itís called Patook

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    My feeling is that this person and you don't have enough to go on to be real friends. The premise was a bit wacky to start. There is not much commitment in being friends in the first place which implies that a friendship app is mostly casual. Dating apps differ as there is a percentage of individuals looking to meet someone for greater commitment and normally that greater commitment involves greater proactiveness and initiative. Sex (hook ups) are also a great motivator as in order to have sex, you do need to meet someone face to face.

    Most people won't be looking for friends and the people who are specifically looking for friends online to transition to real life is questionable(weird). I'd review the purpose of the friendship app in general and limit your use with it. I think it's a misnomer and a trap (mental trap/time waster). Try meeting people in your local venues around the neighbourhood or at school. If anything, there are also apps or websites like meetup.com where people get together based on shared interests or a common cause whether it's business-related or personal or self-development.

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