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My boyfriend won’t show me any affection


Leannejr

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So this may sound really dramatic but I’m feeling so hurt and have been for a long time and majority of the time I’ve no idea if I’m over reacting. My partner and I have been together for 2 yrs. we barely kiss, he sighs when I ask for a hug, he doesn’t want to give me any affection. I sometimes lean in for a kiss and he turns his head away. I try to initiate sex which usually starts with us kissing and I touch him and slowly turn his head yet majority of the time he refuses to turn and moves my hand away. He won’t hold my hand in the street, he won’t hug me in public, just worst of all he won’t show me any affection in our own home and I have to ask for a hug if I want one. I feel like I’m going crazy and when I talk about it it’s like it’s my fault and I shouldn’t be so needy.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

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So this may sound really dramatic but I’m feeling so hurt and have been for a long time and majority of the time I’ve no idea if I’m over reacting. My partner and I have been together for 2 yrs. we barely kiss, he sighs when I ask for a hug, he doesn’t want to give me any affection. I sometimes lean in for a kiss and he turns his head away. I try to initiate sex which usually starts with us kissing and I touch him and slowly turn his head yet majority of the time he refuses to turn and moves my hand away. He won’t hold my hand in the street, he won’t hug me in public, just worst of all he won’t show me any affection in our own home and I have to ask for a hug if I want one. I feel like I’m going crazy and when I talk about it it’s like it’s my fault and I shouldn’t be so needy.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

 

Not a lot to really advise here. Obviously, you know what it is you want and your boyfriend doesn't appear to be the one for you.

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There's something severely imbalanced in your relationship. This is not normal even for conservative individuals or not-so-sexually overdriven couples. You are not overreacting.

 

I'm feeling a lot of disrespect and resentment (he doesn't have any respect for you) between the both of you. A partner that devalues your needs or blames you for abnormalities in the relationship (exclusively your fault) tells me about a lot of resentment. I think you should go back through your relationship and try and understand where the both of you went wrong. When trust is broken and respect is lost, intimacy is difficult and unnatural. Go back and review. This relationship won't be salvageable without taking a long hard look at what got both of you here.

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Sorry to hear this. Start reading up on emotional abuse. Withholding affection and constant rejection is all part of it. If you think long and hard and carefully you will see other signs of that. Stop sleeping with him. Stop offering him any affection, conversation or company.

 

Make an appt with a therapist for yourself. Discuss what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like. Do not try to fix or change him or squeeze blood out of a stone. In fact, dump him. Move out asap.

My partner and I have been together for 2 yrs. we barely kiss, he sighs when I ask for a hug, he doesn’t want to give me any affection. I sometimes lean in for a kiss and he turns his head away.
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Sorry to hear this. Start reading up on emotional abuse. Withholding affection and constant rejection is all part of it. If you think long and hard and carefully you will see other signs of that. Stop sleeping with him. Stop offering him any affection, conversation or company.

 

Make an appt with a therapist for yourself. Discuss what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like. Do not try to fix or change him or squeeze blood out of a stone. In fact, dump him. Move out asap.

 

 

Now hold on a moment, Wiseman. Before you start at hinting at "emotional abuse". We don't know the full facts yet. This man reminds me of me when I was younger. I just was very shy and I couldn't hug or kiss in public and this by all means was not abuse as you call it.

 

My girlfriend however was more open and she decided to sit me down and have a talk with me. Things changed for the better because I opened up and knew what she wanted. It all stemmed from what other people though of me but I then learned why should I worry because most people don't mind some form of display of affection.

 

Wiseman is WRONG if you stop affection or conversation. You need CONVERSATION with him first to find out why hes like this. Has he got fear of public displays of affection? Were his parents loving and showed displays of affection? Has he fallen out of love with you?

 

He wont know how unhappy you are if you don't talk or converse with him first.

 

If he wont change then consider if he is the right person for you.

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Now hold on a moment, Wiseman. Before you start at hinting at "emotional abuse". We don't know the full facts yet. This man reminds me of me when I was younger. I just was very shy and I couldn't hug or kiss in public and this by all means was not abuse as you call it.

 

My girlfriend however was more open and she decided to sit me down and have a talk with me. Things changed for the better because I opened up and knew what she wanted. It all stemmed from what other people though of me but I then learned why should I worry because most people don't mind some form of display of affection.

 

Wiseman is WRONG if you stop affection or conversation. You need CONVERSATION with him first to find out why hes like this. Has he got fear of public displays of affection? Were his parents loving and showed displays of affection? Has he fallen out of love with you?

 

He wont know how unhappy you are if you don't talk or converse with him first.

 

If he wont change then consider if he is the right person for you.

 

I understand why this subject hits home for you, Zippy, but based on the original post, the problem seems farther reaching then being uncomfortable with public displays of affection. I also think it's important to note that it is not a partner's job to play psychotherapist to figure out why sex and physical affection are off the table.

 

Leannjr, if you want to make the effort to have a conversation with your boyfriend one last time before ending the relationship, go right ahead, but after 2 years of the same behavior I doubt it will be very productive. The main issue here is you not realizing that you and him are incompatible and that the relationship needs to end. Ask yourself why you are clinging to an unfulfilling involvement instead of searching for a person that shares your preferences and values! There is clearly a better fit out there for you.

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So this may sound really dramatic but I’m feeling so hurt and have been for a long time and majority of the time I’ve no idea if I’m over reacting. My partner and I have been together for 2 yrs. we barely kiss, he sighs when I ask for a hug, he doesn’t want to give me any affection. I sometimes lean in for a kiss and he turns his head away. I try to initiate sex which usually starts with us kissing and I touch him and slowly turn his head yet majority of the time he refuses to turn and moves my hand away. He won’t hold my hand in the street, he won’t hug me in public, just worst of all he won’t show me any affection in our own home and I have to ask for a hug if I want one. I feel like I’m going crazy and when I talk about it it’s like it’s my fault and I shouldn’t be so needy.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

 

Lack of affection from a partner who formerly gave it , suggests something else is going on with the relationship.

So what is it? The lack of affection is merely a symptom of what’s wrong , not the actual cause.

 

You both speak a different love language. Google the 5 different love languages.

You show and receive love via affection. And you are craving that affection for confirmation that everything is ok without actually looking for the root cause of why everything is not ok. And solving that.

 

Constantly seeking affection from him sort of undermines the real issue .

So stop trying to hug him and kiss him and receive hugs and kisses from him.

Instead try and determine what he is not happy about in the relationship.

 

Can you provide information about what has been going on aside from this symptom?

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I think it would be important to know if this is new behaviour or how it's always been from the beginning.

 

OP, can you return and answer that?

 

If it's always been this way, since you began dating, then I doubt communication or couples therapy can help, as it would suggest he has severe intimacy issues, both emotional and physical. And always has.

 

Therapy may benefit him.

 

If it's new behaviour, this would suggest deep issues in the relationship, dissatisfaction, resentment, loss of attraction, it could be many things.

 

First step would be to tell him how you're feeling, calmly and in a non-accusatory manner. It will require some vulnerability on your part.

 

Open up the lines of communication. Create an emotionally safe environment for meaningful discussion and hopefully resolution. No crying or emotional outbursts. Calm.

 

If he refuses, then you have a decision to make.

 

Either accept it or walk.

 

Edit: Zippy, imo this situation goes way beyond simply being shy or uncomfortable with pda.

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There's something severely imbalanced in your relationship. This is not normal even for conservative individuals or not-so-sexually overdriven couples. You are not overreacting.

 

I'm feeling a lot of disrespect and resentment (he doesn't have any respect for you) between the both of you. A partner that devalues your needs or blames you for abnormalities in the relationship (exclusively your fault) tells me about a lot of resentment. I think you should go back through your relationship and try and understand where the both of you went wrong. When trust is broken and respect is lost, intimacy is difficult and unnatural. Go back and review. This relationship won't be salvageable without taking a long hard look at what got both of you here.

 

I totally agree with Rose 'There's something severely imbalanced in your relationship". OP, this is emotional abuse, no matter how you look at it. Please realise that you are not being dramatic or needy. What you want is perfectly normal in a relationship. Why do continue to subject yourself to such abuse? Was he always like this? Is he willing to go to therapy with you? That might help. If he's not willing, I strongly suggest you break it off. No one deserves to be treated like that -- believe me, I know.

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Having a severe fear of intimacy, emotional and physical, does not equal abuse.

 

I hear ya about intentional withholding, as a form of control or punishment, and yes that would be considered emotional abuse, but we need more info and context from OP to determine if that is, in fact, what's happening, per my previous post.

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What would I do? I'd say to him: I can't live the rest of my life without affection.

 

And then listen to what he says. If he says, "Just leave then." It means he doesn't care, has been too cowardly to break up, and you should take him up on his offer.

 

If he says something like: "I don't know what you want from me." You could say: "We're incompatible because I like physical affection and you don't."

 

His responses will show whether he wants to walk away or work on things. If he wants to work on things, ask him to read books with you, like Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and The Five Love Languages. Optimally, you should seeks couples counseling if you two don't have the skills to improve your relationship on your own.

 

Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions you will ever have to make. If he doesn't meet your needs, even if you love him, realize freeing yourself will allow you to be single when someone who does meet your needs comes your way. Nobody said life was easy, and you have to sometimes make hard decisions for your own good.

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There are people who just are not affectionate....don't always mean they have issues, just their personality. We can guess all day long and make assumptions, like he could be a closet gay, or he's too scared to dump you, has a porn addiction, was molested as a child, etc. But this is not your problem to solve if there is one. He is who he is. The choice is simple. Your needs are not being met, so find a new BF.

Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated.

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Having a severe fear of intimacy, emotional and physical, does not equal abuse.

 

I hear ya about intentional withholding, as a form of control or punishment, and yes that would be considered emotional abuse, but we need more info and context from OP to determine if that is, in fact, what's happening, per my previous post.

Yes.

 

While I personally don't foresee much cause or gain from having a conversation about it and agree more with folks saying it's best to book it, to default to abuse is incredibly infantilizing. Abuse is inflicted. The OP isn't entitled to a hug, kiss, or sex from this man. Nor is he from her. Neither of them is each other's child, and you can't neglect someone of something you're not responsible to provide. As far as we know, he hasn't imprisoned her or otherwise precluded her from leaving the relationship to find someone willing to provide her the affection she desires. Not defending or supporting the guy, but this is her responsibility, and one it's sounding like she should act on sooner than later.

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^^ @ j.man, if this was early stages, six months to a year at most, I would walk too.

 

But they have been together two years, and if it's new behaviour, would not a conversation be warranted to find out why, what he's feeling or try to?

 

If he is resistant to it, then walk.

 

Yes? No? Always interested in your opinions j.man. :)

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I had to go back and think about this for a bit. I am the last person who believes in therapy and the first person to champion a person's ability for automatic self-regulation and high levels of autonomy. I had to think about some of the ideas going back and forth for a bit and review what we are, our differences and what abuse means.

 

What is abuse? Most of abuse constitutes varying levels of negligence, in my mind. Not all of us are created equal. Some of us are more sensitive than others, others are more analytical. Some of us have a greater propensity towards compassion and others do not. Is the OP's partner a negligent person? I don't know. Does he display negligent behaviour in terms of his relationship? It seems so according to the OP. I think it is toeing the line for emotional abuse based on the OP's last line there in the first post (page 1). Let's put it this way: when your partner brings up something important and upsetting, dismissing it is a form of silencing(silencing of the matter). It is negligent to ignore concerns or issues in a relationship. To silence someone is the opposite of inviting discussion and open communication. This is not conducive to a healthy relationship.

 

I am not pointing fingers at who is more at fault. This means I'm not proposing that either party is at fault for the unhealthy behaviour, one more than the other. I firmly believe in autonomy and self-control. The OP has every ability to leave the abusive environment. Her partner has every ability to stop his dismissive behaviour.

 

What I am suggesting is that there is a break down of trust and respect to the point where dismissiveness and desensitization is the norm in the relationship. Those dismissive traits do constitute negligence. Intentional and repeated negligence can also constitute emotional abuse, given the fact that we are not all the same nor created equal. This is what is not normal. I would ask the OP to figure out (go back) and review what went wrong in the relationship. Actively evaluating and rethinking the situation would, in my mind, reinstate more control over an otherwise seemingly helpless situation.

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Thnx Rose, went back and read last sentence of original post.

 

She has tried to talk with him about it, and he shut her down. Dealbreaker for me personally.

 

>>I feel like I’m going crazy and when I talk about it it’s like it’s my fault and I shouldn’t be so needy.

 

I take back what I said -- I would just walk.

 

@j.man, I agree with you, no need to respond to my last post.

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I have no idea how a thread about lack of affection within a relationship suddenly turned into a topic of emotional abuse?

 

Most relationship break ups have a time prior to the break up where there has been no affection given by either one , other or both.

Break ups don’t generally happen overnight , certainly not 2 year relationships.

The person clinging to the relationship craves affection , the person wanting out doesn’t want any.

And then there are situations wheee neither wants affection from the other. The latter usually resulting in the more amicable break up.

 

I’m not suggesting that the op is heading for a break up , but she will be if she doesn’t figure out why he is struggling to show her affection. And sometimes that might be because she is not making him happy in other areas whether that’s in or out of her control. Or it could be that he just isn’t invested anymore? For whatever reason , personal , cheating, other?

 

Since the op craves affection , I doubt that there was never been any from the get go and this is a recent thing.

And therefore a symptom of something bigger going on only. Not emotional abuse.

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Welcome... just some ideas. I think abuse is always a hot topic and very difficult and emotional to talk about especially if we have been through situations in our own lives. I think nearly all of us have had situations where we have felt helpless or powerless(who hasn't had a bad relationship?). I don't think all of us have been abused and some would resent that term(victimization) but I do think most of us have felt powerless in our lives. I know I have. It's not a safe or healthy place to be. I think imbalances do start with passive aggressiveness and dismissiveness in a relationship and can progress to other dysfunctional behaviours. It's not helpful to project here what could be so I'll leave it at that.

 

I think what might be happening is more experienced members or members who know the signs for more severe emotional abuse down the line have already recognized the early stages. Looking forward to reading any other ideas.

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Oh no! This is a major cause of divorce. You can try talking to him, try counseling. If that does not work, you can try tough love......leave for a time, or cut off sex. When he asks, "What's wrong?", then he'll be ready to really listen to you and change.

 

To stay in love, women need affection

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