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Previous Marriage of My Man and the Thorn in My Side Because of It!


SouthernLady

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My man and I have been seeing each other for nearly one year. From the very beginning I've had a real problem with the details of his former marriage. Here's the story in a nutshell: She's from an Asian country and 18 years his junior. He brought her to the USA along with her two adolescent boys and he adopted her boys, giving them his name. He has a significant amount of wealth, not a fortune, but a significant amount. After ten years of marriage, she decides she wants a divorce (suspiciously, after the boys had graduated from high school). In the divorce she attempted to take him for the vast majority of his assets. My man discovered through a series of events during the divorce proceedings that she was not actually divorced from her first husband (the father of her boys in the Asian Country). This makes her a Bigamist and a criminal and also not legally married to my man here in the USA. So, my man takes this information and informs her that if she does not release him from the divorce proceedings and the hold on his property, he will process paperwork to have her deported for being in the US illegally as a Bigamist and criminal. She responded by releasing him and the divorce never happened. He kept his property and she went on her happy way and he went on to his. Fast forward nine years and he meets me and we're dating. Here's my problem with all this. Number one, I can tell by the conversations I hear between the one (adopted) son and my man that there is no love there from the boy for my man. Trust me, I see it! (The other son was killed in a motorcycle accident several years ago). The surviving boy is in the will and listed as Executor of the Estate. (Yes, may man is very, very naive!) I see very clearly how the former wife may have been caught trying to take him for his money, but that doesn't mean she hasn't found another way to cash in. She's on standby through her son who is now the Executor of the Estate. My man wants to marry me. And I'm wondering what kind of life is there going to be for me if something happens to him, and I get pushed aside and the "illegal" wife and son come pounding on the door to throw me out? Additionally, the father of the son in Asia stays in close touch and I'm wondering what was the purpose of my man, an American adopting this Asian man's boys in the first place? Doesn't all this seem like a big immigration scam perpetrated by this Asian couple to get three people citizenship the the United States? And doesn't it appear that I'm stepping into a big hot mess? And isn't it true that my man is extremely naive? For the record, I am not looking to collect his money for myself. But, I'll be damned if I'll sit back and allow that Bigamist criminal illegal and her son to succeed in their quest to #1 come to America illegally and work schemes against our citizens, and #2 work additional havoc over my life too. What's the advice and feedback from you folks on this matter?

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I don't understand your concern. It does not matter if he is the executor, the will or trust has to be followed to the letter. I am assuming that when he becomes your husband he would make changes to the document which would include you.

 

I suggest you educate yourself on wills and trusts. Executors cannot decide where money goes, they simple execute the instructions.

 

What is all the "my man" stuff?

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How do i say this...

 

Know your role...

 

You are the girlfriend of less than a year and you’re already trying to lay claim to his money...

 

I’m not a big fan of using the word Golddigger because it has incredibly sexist connotations but I’ll be darned if you don’t fit just a bit.

 

As a grown woman I’m sure you know there’s his side, her side and the truth, also as a grown woman who I’m assuming is looking for a healthy relationship recognizes the red flags of involving the new girlfriend with his ex wife to this level...so a I can’t help but believe you going along with this story because it’s financially advantageous to do so...

 

If you want to rob his legally adopted son his inheritance because ‘they don’t act like father and son’ have at it, it’s your prerogative, but I personally am not going to give you advice on the subject.

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I agree. An executor only executes what is already in the will they don’t decide anything .

 

You're right they can't, and shouldn't, but they often do, sadly. Especially when a lot of money is involved and the distribution in the Will or Trust is unequal.

 

Or the executor arbitrarily decides how it should be distributed.

 

Our law firm has handled quite a few cases of siblings suing each other over this very thing.

 

It's gotten very ugly too, and expensive.

 

You'd think it would be cut and dry but when it concerns a lot of money, it's often anything but.

 

It's really sad and I've seen it tear families apart.

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You're right they can't, and shouldn't, but they do, sadly.

 

Our law firm has handled quite a few cases of siblings suing each other over this very thing.

 

It's gotten very ugly too, and expensive.

 

You'd think it would be cut and dry but when it concerns a lot of money, it's often anything but.

 

It's really sad and I've seen it tear families apart.

As I am sure it will tear apart my husband and his sister, but the way his parents set everything up has been tantamount to probably a monumental disaster . His parents went against the lawyer’s advice . 🙄🙄 Surprise surprise . I can’t wait for that event . 🙄

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You're way too concerned about his financial assets for a relationship of less than a year. Pot calling the kettle black, I suspect. I presume your boyfriend is a grown man who can handle his own financial situation. The two of you can make adjustments together if you actually marry in the future.

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Its not weird for him to have adopted the boys - it solidified their legal right to be in the US and if they had a biological father that was noncustodial who has not been present - he may have thought it was best for the kids as well. many people adopt their stepchildren and the other parent has not died, etc.

 

Unless the bigamy is reported/know by authorities, she is still his legal wife. If her prior marriage was in the US, it would not be a problem - their marriage would be declared null. But since it was in an Asian country it was harder to track down because if it were, the marriage would not have been permitted. so, you can't really marry this man because he has not filed for divorce?

 

Honestly, its not the wife that is the issue, its your boyfriend. He valued his money over being free to marry.

 

To marry you, he would have to divorce her or report her bigamy to dissolve the marriage and/or apply for annulment on grounds of bigamy. There is no third option.

 

If he married you (if he CAN marry you) and the situation is what it is, i don't see him being legally able for awhile unless she now legally qualifies to be there unmarried to him and that might be questionable. I

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For the record, I am not looking to collect his money for myself. But, I'll be damned if I'll sit back and allow that Bigamist criminal illegal and her son to succeed in their quest to #1 come to America illegally and work schemes against our citizens, and #2 work additional havoc over my life too. What's the advice and feedback from you folks on this matter?

 

Seems your reasons are not personal but political and it doesn't sound like you've voiced your concerns to your boyfriend. Have you told him what you think? If you find his approach to his personal matters a bit lackadaisical or inappropriate, you are free to tell him that exactly and work it out together. Let him respond to you and communicate your concerns together.

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You are way too obsessed with his ex. His assets, will, estate etc are none of your business. You are not engaged/married. He will most likely require a prenuptial and will most likely set up his estate, trusts, will, etc so you get the minimum allowed for the amount of time you are married. It would be best to worry about your own finances and will, not his.

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I’m sorry I’m advance for being blunt.

 

I think you’ve been fed a story (fueled by hurt feelings and a touch of racism) and as a result you are seeing things through poop-colored glasses.

 

If someone wants to execute a sham marriage, this takes 2-3 years tops. At that point, she would have been a legal citizen and was free to find employment, find a replacement man, etc. You don’t stay with someone for TEN years - a DECADE of your life - for a scam. You just don’t. Ten years is an incredibly long time - and frankly - even hostages in hostage situations fall in love with their captors in less time.

 

Similarly for the children. If they came to the country as children and lived with him through their formative years, they love him. If he continues to have a relationship with them even though they are adults and are free to simply walk away, they love him. If you’ve even met them at this point, it’s because they love him. What you are detecting is probably not a lack of love - but a lack of respect for basically screwing over their mom.

 

... and make no mistake, that’s what he did...

 

To be clear, she obviously should have divorced before remarrying. And she could very well have tried to take him for more than her fair share. This is not uncommon in divorce, unfortunately. But when he found this thing to dangle over her head as a threat - he did not use it to negotiate a fair settlement. He used it to take the whole pie for HIMself! After a decade of building a life with someone, she is entitled to something. The problem is - most divorce courts will not allow one person (either one!) to walk away with nothing.

 

So - I think your vitriol is misplaced. It’s directed at her (by his design, no doubt). Instead of focusing on how to stick it to her (which is what he wants you to focus on) - you should focus on the REAL problem which is that he is not free to re-marry. And he won’t be free to re-marry until he divorces (which means he’ll have to give her something which he doesn’t want to do) or reports the bigamy (which he also does not want to do because his kids will FOR SURE hate him if he gets their mom deported - and he clearly loves them if they are still around and he’s made them executor of his will).

 

Btw - since she’s still his legal wife, she is of course legally entitled to stuff if he passes away, regardless of what the will says.

 

You should also take it as a MASSIVE red flag that it was more important to him to keep everything rather than negotiating something fair and making a clean break. Always pay attention to how people treat others. It’s an indicator of how they would be prepared to treat YOU if things go sour.

 

In all honesty, I think you should simply walk away from this relationship. It’s a legal quagmire just waiting to happen.

 

You are not even a year in. Find someone who doesn’t have all these complications and who is actually available to marry you if marriage is what you are looking for. This guy is not it.

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I’m sorry I’m advance for being blunt.

 

I think you’ve been fed a story (fueled by hurt feelings and a touch of racism) and as a result you are seeing things through poop-colored glasses.

 

If someone wants to execute a sham marriage, this takes 2-3 years tops. At that point, she would have been a legal citizen and was free to find employment, find a replacement man, etc. You don’t stay with someone for TEN years - a DECADE of your life - for a scam. You just don’t. Ten years is an incredibly long time - and frankly - even hostages in hostage situations fall in love with their captors in less time.

 

Similarly for the children. If they came to the country as children and lived with him through their formative years, they love him. If he continues to have a relationship with them even though they are adults and are free to simply walk away, they love him. If you’ve even met them at this point, it’s because they love him. What you are detecting is probably not a lack of love - but a lack of respect for basically screwing over their mom.

 

... and make no mistake, that’s what he did...

 

To be clear, she obviously should have divorced before remarrying. And she could very well have tried to take him for more than her fair share. This is not uncommon in divorce, unfortunately. But when he found this thing to dangle over her head as a threat - he did not use it to negotiate a fair settlement. He used it to take the whole pie for HIMself! After a decade of building a life with someone, she is entitled to something. The problem is - most divorce courts will not allow one person (either one!) to walk away with nothing.

 

So - I think your vitriol is misplaced. It’s directed at her (by his design, no doubt). Instead of focusing on how to stick it to her (which is what he wants you to focus on) - you should focus on the REAL problem which is that he is not free to re-marry. And he won’t be free to re-marry until he divorces (which means he’ll have to give her something which he doesn’t want to do) or reports the bigamy (which he also does not want to do because his kids will FOR SURE hate him if he gets their mom deported - and he clearly loves them if they are still around and he’s made them executor of his will).

 

Btw - since she’s still his legal wife, she is of course legally entitled to stuff if he passes away, regardless of what the will says.

 

You should also take it as a MASSIVE red flag that it was more important to him to keep everything rather than negotiating something fair and making a clean break. Always pay attention to how people treat others. It’s an indicator of how they would be prepared to treat YOU if things go sour.

 

In all honesty, I think you should simply walk away from this relationship. It’s a legal quagmire just waiting to happen.

 

You are not even a year in. Find someone who doesn’t have all these complications and who is actually available to marry you if marriage is what you are looking for. This guy is not it.

 

This this this this.

 

And another big thing after all the obvious lies he’s telling, how do you even know what his true finances are? After less than a year?

 

Ever heard of dirty John?

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I'm going a bit off the beaten path, but the fact that she 18 years his junior thing concerns me.

 

At this point it should not since they were married for a decade. If she was just out for a sugar daddy, she would have taken as many gifts of luxury items and money as she could and left him before the wedding or the marriage would have lasted a very short time. That's not the point at this point. The point is something seems fishy and this man is making excuses why he is still married and therefore cannot marry the OP. I mean, you obviously shouldn't marry someone you met only a short time, but if you are looking for a husband, you should meet unencumbered men.

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As I am sure it will tear apart my husband and his sister, but the way his parents set everything up has been tantamount to probably a monumental disaster . His parents went against the lawyer’s advice . 🙄🙄 Surprise surprise . I can’t wait for that event . 🙄

 

I've been reading all the various responses to my original post, and I guess it wasn't really the wisest thing to do to post something as complicated and perhaps as personal as my issue on this forum. Quite frankly the issue is much more complicated and deeper than can be explained here and I am in a lot of pain because of recent events, and it doesn't feel so great to have folks infer that I am a gold-digger (for example) (I have my own financial security). And I refer to this gentlemen as "My man" because I am in my 60's and he is older than I and at our ages I simply don't feel comfortable with "boyfriend' and "girlfriend" (one responder ridiculed my post for my reference to him as "My Man"), okay how about "Gentleman", is this better? The fact that we are discussing our future together as a married couple and we have been dating for just short of a year is the fact that we are up in years and I personally have been divorced for 40 years and I'm not interested in "playing house" with anyone. Yes, I do want to get married. What's wrong with that? I don't want to get married to just anyone. I'm perfectly okay with being single, but if I'm going to be with someone and in love, which is what we are (or maybe were), then I'm certainly not going to be shacking up after all these years that I've been alone. And finally, he is not still married. He is not married to her. He never was married to her! She was not divorced from her husband when she married him! She's a bigamist and used him to gain US Citizenship for herself and her boys. The whole reason I even posted any of this is because of the immigration issues our country has, which is many! It's amazing our crafty these folks are and can be to get to the United States. And yes, these men who go over there and get these women in my opinion are at fault as well, and I've been rethinking my entire position in being involved in this situation. It's starting to seem like a big hot mess and something I really don't need to be in. A few of you did post some helpful thoughts that validated many of the feelings and thoughts I had already been tossing around. Thank you for that! As far as the name-calling and the insults, I don't think that's necessary and certainty not useful. I'm beginning to think I may be dodging a great big bullet to get out of this situation. One of you mentioned his motives, and I had considered that as well. Sometimes it helps to hear someone else actually verbalize what you may be thinking. Sometimes he can be somewhat controlling and I often wonder if that's something that would escalate as time goes on. As always, there's usually more to a story than can be put into a short little post like this. It's going to hurt, in fact, it already is, but I know I'm going to have to get myself out of this relationship and I've kind of known it all along in little small ways here and there. Thanks everyone for your time.

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I've been reading all the various responses to my original post, and I guess it wasn't really the wisest thing to do to post something as complicated and perhaps as personal as my issue on this forum. Quite frankly the issue is much more complicated and deeper than can be explained here and I am in a lot of pain because of recent events, and it doesn't feel so great to have folks infer that I am a gold-digger (for example) (I have my own financial security). And I refer to this gentlemen as "My man" because I am in my 60's and he is older than I and at our ages I simply don't feel comfortable with "boyfriend' and "girlfriend" (one responder ridiculed my post for my reference to him as "My Man"), okay how about "Gentleman", is this better? The fact that we are discussing our future together as a married couple and we have been dating for just short of a year is the fact that we are up in years and I personally have been divorced for 40 years and I'm not interested in "playing house" with anyone. Yes, I do want to get married. What's wrong with that? I don't want to get married to just anyone. I'm perfectly okay with being single, but if I'm going to be with someone and in love, which is what we are (or maybe were), then I'm certainly not going to be shacking up after all these years that I've been alone. And finally, he is not still married. He is not married to her. He never was married to her! She was not divorced from her husband when she married him! She's a bigamist and used him to gain US Citizenship for herself and her boys. The whole reason I even posted any of this is because of the immigration issues our country has, which is many! It's amazing our crafty these folks are and can be to get to the United States. And yes, these men who go over there and get these women in my opinion are at fault as well, and I've been rethinking my entire position in being involved in this situation. It's starting to seem like a big hot mess and something I really don't need to be in. A few of you did post some helpful thoughts that validated many of the feelings and thoughts I had already been tossing around. Thank you for that! As far as the name-calling and the insults, I don't think that's necessary and certainty not useful. I'm beginning to think I may be dodging a great big bullet to get out of this situation. One of you mentioned his motives, and I had considered that as well. Sometimes it helps to hear someone else actually verbalize what you may be thinking. Sometimes he can be somewhat controlling and I often wonder if that's something that would escalate as time goes on. As always, there's usually more to a story than can be put into a short little post like this. It's going to hurt, in fact, it already is, but I know I'm going to have to get myself out of this relationship and I've kind of known it all along in little small ways here and there. Thanks everyone for your time.

 

Believe it or not, I tried to be as respectful as I could with my response because quite frankly, this:

 

I'll be damned if I'll sit back and allow that Bigamist criminal illegal and her son to succeed in their quest to #1 come to America illegally and work schemes against our citizens, and #2 work additional havoc over my life too.

 

Made me want to hurl...

 

Especially considering how easily he was able to use prejudice to get you to be a sucker and believe him. You ate it right up, that's on you, not us, he chose her! Emotionally stunted girlfriends or boyfriends who make the old partners enemies, tend to purposely forget that, that is until they become the new ex.. .

 

HES STILL MARRIED! Recognize when you're being fed a load of BS... until he gets a court to say he isn't, its safe to assume hes feeding you a load of you know what and that hes still married, you'd be naive to believe otherwise.

 

You have your own financial security, worry about that then, your BOYFRIENDS money and inheritance should NOT be your concern. His WIFE should be none of your concern...you shouldn't be with married men anyhow... finally worry about your prejudice...its completely unbecoming...the way you wrote your OP is why you got the responses you did, own that.

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