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Thread: I don’t want a bachelor party

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    Let's be honest.. Just go play a round of golf or whatever hobby you have with a friend and call it a bachelor party. You get a day to relax before the wedding. She's satisfied. You are satisfied. All is well.

    You should learn to compromise and communicate before getting into a marriage. Is it technically a bachelor party? No. Can you call it one and all is well? Yes.

    Surely you have a hobby. If not, you should get one.
    I could not disagree more. If he wants a day before the wedding or after, if he wants to think of it as related to the wedding or not, he shouldn't have forced relaxation because of a tradition he doesn't believe in. I didn't want a baby shower, or a large wedding reception, or a bridal shower, I had no need to "relax" before the wedding but I had certain "self-care" things I wanted after we got married and became parents which I made known. If someone wants a hobby that's great, if someone likes certain activities but doesn't think of them as "hobbies" awesome too and if someone doesn't have any of the above that is their choice and that person will let someone know if he needs input on hobbies/activities to choose.

    I don't think compromise requires a forced bachelor party. She's not going to the party by definition so it's not for her and it's not for her family because typically people who give other people parties do so because the recipient would enjoy the party. He would not.

  2. #22
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    OP is talkin the talk of a person who has anxiety issues. I totally get it, anxiety sucks. I lost it when I found out my sister in law planned a surprise 50th birthday party for me, when I told everyone I did not one one. I was pissed off and just lost it. My husband knew I would, that's why he gave me the heads up....but I sucked it up and went anyways.

    There are times OP you just have to suck it up and get it over with because it's not always about you. You are doing this for the woman you are going to marry, your friends, and both families. It would be like sitting there not doing the first dance because you hate dancing...you get off yer butt and make the sacrifice...because there will be many more times you will have to make sacrifices for your wife...so you better start now. As they say happy wife, happy life.

  3. #23
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    OP, did you figure out your finances or ?

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    OP is talkin the talk of a person who has anxiety issues. I totally get it, anxiety sucks. I lost it when I found out my sister in law planned a surprise 50th birthday party for me, when I told everyone I did not one one. I was pissed off and just lost it. My husband knew I would, that's why he gave me the heads up....but I sucked it up and went anyways.

    There are times OP you just have to suck it up and get it over with because it's not always about you. You are doing this for the woman you are going to marry, your friends, and both families. It would be like sitting there not doing the first dance because you hate dancing...you get off yer butt and make the sacrifice...because there will be many more times you will have to make sacrifices for your wife...so you better start now. As they say happy wife, happy life.
    Yes I agree and not with respect to a bachelor party she will not be attending. And certainly not pressuring him to get or accept a stripper. When I was 42 and the mother of a new infant, I went out for a girls' dinner. I had a few sips of wine -I have really low tolerance for alcohol and especially did post-partum and one of the 30ish women next to me started asking me about why I wasn't drinking and in explaining I made the offhand comment that I'd never been drunk so she says "oh I feel sorry for you!!" You know what - that kind of implicit pressure especially about alcohol and partying (and sex/strippers) just needs to end maybe at high school maybe? It's really enough and it doesn't need to be about "anxiety" or mental health issues -just respect for peoples' preferences and the person who feels uncomfortable maybe should compromise at times but within limits, which will be different for each person. I felt ridiculous pressure to "conform" and drink more that night - and it's unfair and sad to be treated that way especially as an adult.

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  6. #25
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    Everyone should have a hobby outside of the relationship. Disagree if you want.

    What's wrong with keeping everyone happy and enjoying yourself a little. I told him he could do ANYTHING and just call it his bachelor party.

    Sure, he can stand his ground and refuse to do anything.. but is it really worth the headache? It's certainly not to me.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by smackie9

    There are times OP you just have to suck it up and get it over with because it's not always about you. You are doing this for the woman you are going to marry, your friends, and both families. It would be like sitting there not doing the first dance because you hate dancing...you get off yer butt and make the sacrifice...because there will be many more times you will have to make sacrifices for your wife...so you better start now. As they say happy wife, happy life.
    My soon to be ex father in law did not dance with my soon to be ex mother in law at their wedding because he didn't want to. My soon to be ex mother in law divorced him and cites that particular instance as the moment she began to resent him and it all went down hill...all over something as silly as a dance he was too embarrassed to do.

    It was much more embarrassing for her having to explain not having a first dance at her wedding.


    No point in drawing a line in the sand over something silly when OP only has to go out for a few hours and have some fun in a hobby.

  8. #27
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    OP, a couple of speculations on her odd insistence on a party:

    1) She is planning on having a stripper at her bachelorette and wants to soothe any guilt she might feel over that.

    2) She is planning on surprising you with a private striptease at your bachelor party and your boys are helping orchestrate that.

    3) She is organizing some other surprise that will be ready upon your return from your bachelor party and needs you gone for a couple days to get it ready. Again, your buddies might be in on it.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    There are times OP you just have to suck it up and get it over with because it's not always about you. You are doing this for the woman you are going to marry, your friends, and both families. It would be like sitting there not doing the first dance because you hate dancing...you get off yer butt and make the sacrifice...because there will be many more times you will have to make sacrifices for your wife...so you better start now. As they say happy wife, happy life.
    I completely disagree. People that love you should NOT EVER try and force you to do things that you do not want to or make you uncomfortable.

    His wedding and whether or not he wants a bachelor party SHOULD be about him- LOL. This is 2018 and there are no "MUSTS" at a wedding or in anything leading up to it. If the family will be "disappointed"- let them be! They can do what they want at their OWN wedding! Not everyone does traditional things at weddings, not everyone likes them and that is totally OKAY! You shouldn't feel forced to do something just because other people think you should! For my wedding, we didn't do anything "traditional" at our reception- No wedding cake or cutting, no dancing, no throwing bouquet or garder. Just dinner at a nice restaurant and talking to our small contingent of guests. And it was AWESOME! We did what we wanted, because it was OUR wedding and no one else's! If you love your spouse and they hate dancing, why would you force them? Because your 2nd cousin that you never see "expects" it? That just seems cruel and selfish to me.

    I also completely disagree with "Happy wife, happy life"- that is completely outdated, imbalanced, and unfair to the husband. A marriage should be a partnership not a dictatorship. IMVHO, The most successful marriages happen when both partners feelings are considered under all and every circumstance and especially in big decisions like your wedding. Not "I don't care how you feel, you better DO it!" There's a big difference between compromising and sacrificing. A strong marriage is about compromise, not sacrificing your own wants and feelings- especially about something like details of your wedding. That is not at all healthy. He has a right to have a say in his own wedding. He shouldn't have to do anything he doesn't want to- Period. If his fiance doesn't understand that, then I have wonder how much she really loves or respects him.

  10. #29
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    I don’t have what I call “hobbies” - I certainly have things I like to do and one of them is working. Another is taking care of my child. I don’t like the “shoulds” when it comes to “hobbies” - it’s like that silly question people ask “so...what do you like to do for fun “ and heaven forbid if you say something like “reading, working on my job, watching old shark tanks and finding socks that match”. On the other hand I chuckle at the myriad of posts on social media where people who probably love to find matching Tupperware and socks claim to have all these “super cool” hobbies like training for triathlons and kickboxing and making their own pottery and essential oils. And if your kids don’t have the accepted sports “activities” watch out. Please. It’s up to each couple to decide what’s fun and what they like to do together and apart not some “if you want a happy marriage you must have a hobby and a weekly date night “ kind of thing. I love to power walk daily and I love my 3-4 times a year volunteer work at the local NPR station and I would HATE if my husband tried to pressure me into a girls night out “for your own good” because his relative was organizing it. I’d want him to have my back and tell his relative thanks but no thanks and my wife would love instead to meet you for lunch. He wouldn’t do such a thing. He is an introvert and when his parents had me plan a 30tj bday surprise party for him I did so and it was thoughtful of them and I got him there and he liked it but large gatherings were not his thing and the evening was a bit awkward for him. Back then I didn’t know it would be but now I know and I’d prioritize his needs or at least do my best to support his preferences for a party. That to me is what is important - respect for the individual over silly “shoulds”.

    Redswim we had the same kind of wedding. Loved it!!!

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    It was much more embarrassing for her having to explain not having a first dance at her wedding.

    I can see why he's divorcing her. " My new husband is embarrassed by dancing in public and I love him so I will respect his wishes". Easy. Or, ask everyone to JOIN YOU BOTH in the first dance, to make him less uncomfortable. Lots of options if she wasn't just thinking about herself. She RESENTED him over that? That's pretty petty. Also, everyone should talk about all details of your wedding before your wedding and what you are both comfortable with. Compromises should be reached long before a ceremony or party takes place.

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