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I don’t want a bachelor party


turnerik

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I’m getting married in a few months. I don’t want a bachelor party. My fiancée wants me to have one. I have no interest in one. First I don’t want strippers. My fiancée says she is cool with it. I’m not. She said she has told my best man that I don’t want them, but she said there is a possibility they could get one anyways. She knows I’m the person who would just leave if one shows up, but told me not to leave.

 

My best man and most of my friends live out of state. I don’t want to travel back home for a bachelor party. I don’t want to drag her brother out there with me either. He wants to go. I honestly would rather save the money.

 

My fiancée has a birthday coming up and I want to take her out of state (a different state) for a concert. It would cost some money that we are trying to save up for our wedding and honeymoon.

 

I really don’t know how to say to my best man I don’t want one, or tell my fiancée. I have already told her that I don’t want one at all, but She basically told me I need to have one. I think they are buying the plane tickets soon, but I don’t want to go.

 

I don’t want to disappoint my friends and fiancée but I just don’t want to. It’s my choice right?

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Of course it's your choice, why are you letting them tell you what to do?

 

If they care about you, then they will respect your wishes. Perhaps they aren't taking you seriously about not wanting bachelor party, in which case, you need to tell them in a more forceful manner that you meant it.

 

Many men get married without a bachelor party, it's not a requirement and there are many, like you, who aren't into them.

 

Talk to them again, tell them it's a no go.

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So, your fiancee wants you to have one? Number one, its your choice, but number two, if my fiance had encouraged me to have a stripper, i would wonder what he himself was trying to cover up or get permission for. The other possibility is that you could initiate your own get together with your 2 best friends to go out and play darts and commisserate, go to a baseball game or whatever it is you like to do that is laid back and casual before the wedding, but that does not have to happen the night before or even the week leading up to it.

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Is it that you don't want a bachelor party or is it that you don't want a "traditional" bachelor party?

 

There's no rule that a bachelor party has to mean blacking out a strip club, which has always seemed to me the oddest way to celebrate getting married. Want to go to strip clubs? Don't get married or marry someone who's so into strip clubs that there's no point making it a thing.

 

Anyhow, just saying maybe there's a way to make this "your" bachelor party, rather than succumbing to some nonsensical cultural ideal of what one is supposed to look like.

 

And, of course, if you're just not into it at all—no biggie. This is your life, your wedding, something you're doing for you. End scene. Do what you want, what feels right.

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This isn't about the party or your autonomy. This is about budgets.

 

Money seems to be at the root of it as you've cited it more than once in your first post. If you're on different wavelengths regarding the budget for your wedding vs other upcoming events, speak with your fiancee about it if you feel it's warranted. Otherwise, I'd be careful if I were you if you're not able to communicate with each other effectively on financial matters. Party or not, she already seems very adamant about those plans and it seems also to me like you've had a change of heart somewhere along the way and are now feeling the pinch(monetarily).

 

You might have to rethink the concert plans and her birthday surprise for the sake of your wedding as your priorities and hers are not lining up. Do something less extravagant for her birthday. She may not even want to go to the concert or doesn't consider it as important as spending time with her family in all the wedding festivities.

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This is a big problem if your fiancee insists upon your having a bachelor party against your will and she would be cool if there were strippers? Are you sure you wish to marry your fiancee if she behaves like this? It's not just about money, it's about principle of the matter and respecting your wishes. Rethink more than the bachelor party, wedding and honeymoon. What you really need to RETHINK is whom you are marrying, what type of character she is and not caring what you think or what your preferences are. Apparently, your wishes do NOT matter to her which is incredibly alarming to say the least.

 

Put your foot down. Be adamant. If you won't, you're setting yourself up for disaster for the long term. Everyone will think you are a doormat if you act like one.

 

Tell your fiancee that what you say is final which is a big fat NO, tell your best man exactly what you wrote in your post about not wanting strippers, you don't want to travel back home out of state for the bachelor party nor do you want to drag your finacee's brother out there either. The perk would be to save money of course, the bottom line is for others to RESPECT AND HONOR YOUR WISHES.

 

Don't please others at your expense. Your choice is right. Don't think you'll "disappoint" your friends and fiancee because at the end of the day, it is YOU who will be disappointed for a long, long time if you were to go through with the bachelor party and marry your fiancee who is full of red flags all over the place. Beware.

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In this country I live in, there's no tradition of going to strip clubs. The regular bachelor party is guy friends being together for some drinks and activities that range from paintball, boat rides, camping or whatever they want to do. Maybe you don't want a strip club bachelor party but you might want something like a get together with some guy friends that doesn't involve strippers or anything like that.

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Ask her to get out of bridezilla mode and to stop micromanaging everything. Ask her to focus on the bride's end of things and to stop trying to control the groom's end of things. You need to speak up if you are going to marry this woman. Learn that right now before you say "I do". You could compromise and just have a gathering of your choice, such as a dinner out or a game or whatever. Why waste money on crap to make everything resemble a reality tv show. Be creative and individual. Stop letting her run everything in your life right now.

I don’t want a bachelor party. I really don’t know how to say to my best man I don’t want one, or tell my fiancée. I have already told her that I don’t want one at all, but She basically told me I need to have one. I
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She sounds ridiculous and I've heard about "pressure" like this and experienced it sort of once -the first time (yes there was more than one engagement) I was engaged to my husband they planned a weekend away and his friend told me they planned on a stripper. It wasn't my future husband's thing, he didn't want one(yes he'd been to strip clubs for bachelor parties a few times in his life), and it was ridiculous that his friend was pressuring him. We broke up before the party so who knows.

 

When we actually got married his "bachelor" night was a fancy steak dinner with his friends if I remember correctly -it was also right around his bday so it was a combined celebration. No getting drunk -just a fun night out. My friends offered me a bridal shower/bachelorette party or dinner out with the two friends who offered. I chose the latter. We went to a fancy restaurant and had a great time!

My point is -there's no "musts" - you're the person they're celebrating so choose how you want that to happen and choosing to have no such celebration is perfectly fine too!!

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A bachelor party doesn't have to involve strippers. I had 0 interest in that before my marriage as well.

 

So, my friends and I went and did a rope climbing, zip lining, obstacle course for my bachelor party in the middle of the day. Then we went to a bar-cade. My friends paid for everything as a wedding gift.

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She isn’t pressuring me to get strippers. She knows I don’t want any, but said she won’t get upset if I have one. I think she did it to calm my fear (that I really don’t have) that I would be worried about how she would feel if there was a stripper.

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If you don't want one, don't have one. I can't relate to the concept of a bachelor party. It's got nothing to do with strippers, either. Maybe it's because I waited until my head was already completely in a place of being committed to my now-wife when I proposed to her. I never had an "omg, last week of being single." And every one I'd have with me for a bachelor party are people I have over pretty much every other week anyhow. I suppose you could hand pick any of those occasions and call it a bachelor party just for the sake of it, but I felt no need for it to be a dedicated event. I also chose not to have a best man and was the principal organizer of the wedding, so I luckily didn't face any real pressure to have one. A couple friends asked, I said nope, and that was that.

 

But absolutely more power to anyone who did or does want one. I don't see anything wrong with it. FWIW, every bachelor party I've been to has been low-key and stripper-free.

 

I agree with I believe it was Wiseman. Assert yourself. You don't have to be super cynical or anything. Say, "Nah, I'm good" as many times as they ask.

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She isn’t pressuring me to get strippers. She knows I don’t want any, but said she won’t get upset if I have one. I think she did it to calm my fear (that I really don’t have) that I would be worried about how she would feel if there was a stripper.

 

Why does she say you “must” have a bachelor party?

Why are you not communicating properly with each other?

Tell her that IF you had a bachelor party and IF there were strippers there , that you realise she would be very understanding, but that despite that, YOU are NOT interested in a bachelor party.

 

It is NOT up to her to organise a bachelor party , that is the best mans job.

Tell him the same.

 

And tell her and your best man , if they all want a good excuse to have a night out (strippers or no strippers) then they can do that and call it your bachelors party , but that you won’t be there.

 

Seriously , if you can’t get this through to your fiancée now , then how are you going to communicate with her in much bigger issues you will face throughout the course of your marriage?

 

This should not be a big deal and a half hour conversation.

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Let's be honest.. Just go play a round of golf or whatever hobby you have with a friend and call it a bachelor party. You get a day to relax before the wedding. She's satisfied. You are satisfied. All is well.

 

You should learn to compromise and communicate before getting into a marriage. Is it technically a bachelor party? No. Can you call it one and all is well? Yes.

 

Surely you have a hobby. If not, you should get one.

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I agree you can make the call in what you want to do and where to go. Go out for a nice dinner, sit around and drink scotch, smoke cigars, play poker or whatever you enjoy. A simple get together with friends is totally acceptable. The tradition of strippers is kinda out dated. I can't remember the last time I heard anyone ever having that type of bachelor party.

You sound like a reserved person that doesn't like a lot of hoopla so she's thinking it might be good for you to be out of your comfort zone, let your hair down just for one night...and go crazy.

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This is a big problem if your fiancee insists upon your having a bachelor party against your will and she would be cool if there were strippers? Are you sure you wish to marry your fiancee if she behaves like this? It's not just about money, it's about principle of the matter and respecting your wishes. Rethink more than the bachelor party, wedding and honeymoon. What you really need to RETHINK is whom you are marrying, what type of character she is and not caring what you think or what your preferences are. Apparently, your wishes do NOT matter to her which is incredibly alarming to say the least.

 

^^^^ This is what I was going to say. Your fiance sounds like a bully. It's totally your choice about the bachelor party and she should respect your wishes. You need to think about if you want to marry someone who so flagrantly disrespects you. This will NOT improve after marriage.

I guess if you're okay marrying someone who forces you into things you don't want even after saying no? I think it's kinda weird for your fiance to push strippers on you- as someone else said- Why would she do this unless she plans to do something shady and wants to feel less guilty? I think most women would be thrilled that their man was evolved enough to not want or care about strippers.

 

IMVHO, you have a much bigger problem on your hands than money over a concert or your bachelor party. Your fiance does not respect you or care about your feelings. Is this what you want out of a marriage?

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Let's be honest.. Just go play a round of golf or whatever hobby you have with a friend and call it a bachelor party. You get a day to relax before the wedding. She's satisfied. You are satisfied. All is well.

 

You should learn to compromise and communicate before getting into a marriage. Is it technically a bachelor party? No. Can you call it one and all is well? Yes.

 

Surely you have a hobby. If not, you should get one.

 

I could not disagree more. If he wants a day before the wedding or after, if he wants to think of it as related to the wedding or not, he shouldn't have forced relaxation because of a tradition he doesn't believe in. I didn't want a baby shower, or a large wedding reception, or a bridal shower, I had no need to "relax" before the wedding but I had certain "self-care" things I wanted after we got married and became parents which I made known. If someone wants a hobby that's great, if someone likes certain activities but doesn't think of them as "hobbies" awesome too and if someone doesn't have any of the above that is their choice and that person will let someone know if he needs input on hobbies/activities to choose.

 

I don't think compromise requires a forced bachelor party. She's not going to the party by definition so it's not for her and it's not for her family because typically people who give other people parties do so because the recipient would enjoy the party. He would not.

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OP is talkin the talk of a person who has anxiety issues. I totally get it, anxiety sucks. I lost it when I found out my sister in law planned a surprise 50th birthday party for me, when I told everyone I did not one one. I was pissed off and just lost it. My husband knew I would, that's why he gave me the heads up....but I sucked it up and went anyways.

 

There are times OP you just have to suck it up and get it over with because it's not always about you. You are doing this for the woman you are going to marry, your friends, and both families. It would be like sitting there not doing the first dance because you hate dancing...you get off yer butt and make the sacrifice...because there will be many more times you will have to make sacrifices for your wife...so you better start now. As they say happy wife, happy life.

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OP is talkin the talk of a person who has anxiety issues. I totally get it, anxiety sucks. I lost it when I found out my sister in law planned a surprise 50th birthday party for me, when I told everyone I did not one one. I was pissed off and just lost it. My husband knew I would, that's why he gave me the heads up....but I sucked it up and went anyways.

 

There are times OP you just have to suck it up and get it over with because it's not always about you. You are doing this for the woman you are going to marry, your friends, and both families. It would be like sitting there not doing the first dance because you hate dancing...you get off yer butt and make the sacrifice...because there will be many more times you will have to make sacrifices for your wife...so you better start now. As they say happy wife, happy life.

 

Yes I agree and not with respect to a bachelor party she will not be attending. And certainly not pressuring him to get or accept a stripper. When I was 42 and the mother of a new infant, I went out for a girls' dinner. I had a few sips of wine -I have really low tolerance for alcohol and especially did post-partum and one of the 30ish women next to me started asking me about why I wasn't drinking and in explaining I made the offhand comment that I'd never been drunk so she says "oh I feel sorry for you!!" You know what - that kind of implicit pressure especially about alcohol and partying (and sex/strippers) just needs to end maybe at high school maybe? It's really enough and it doesn't need to be about "anxiety" or mental health issues -just respect for peoples' preferences and the person who feels uncomfortable maybe should compromise at times but within limits, which will be different for each person. I felt ridiculous pressure to "conform" and drink more that night - and it's unfair and sad to be treated that way especially as an adult.

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Everyone should have a hobby outside of the relationship. Disagree if you want.

 

What's wrong with keeping everyone happy and enjoying yourself a little. I told him he could do ANYTHING and just call it his bachelor party.

 

Sure, he can stand his ground and refuse to do anything.. but is it really worth the headache? It's certainly not to me.

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