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Thread: She wont grow up!

  1. #1
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    She wont grow up!

    So, this has bothered me for a long time and I dont know why.
    My younger sister is 31 and still lives in my parents basement. Doesn't pay for a damn thing, drives a brand new car, works part time (when she feels like it) and doesnt lift a finger around the house, at all.
    The worst part is, my parents think it's perfectly normal and okay for her to still be living in their basement because "it's harder for kids now adays to live on their own". That's their excuse....
    I'm 33 and have been on my own since I was 19, I struggled yes, but it got me where I am today, which is a home owner, great job, great family, etc...
    I've always resented my parents for this because even when she was a kid, she was spoiled rotten, while I was the one that suffered the emotional and physical abuse.

    My sister and I have not spoken in 10+ years, she did not come to my wedding, etc... zero relationship. I think she is pathetic, and a leach and I honestly hate her.

    My parents are getting up there in age and I asked them if they have a will, and they said both of us are executors...good grief....

    How do I get over this? It drives me nuts. My 75 year old father still has to work to support my lazy loser sister, and it drives me insane.
    They will NOT listen to anything I have to say about the matter, they get mad at me when I say anything about it.

    Wwyd?

  2. #2
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    Why is it any of your business? Is it possible your sister suffers from depression?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    How do you get over it? You just need to let it go.

    It's the dynamic of their choosing and it works for all of them or they wouldn't do it.
    Consider all the frustration and resentment you have (and I totally understand it) and consider it wasted energy that no one gets the benefit of.
    In turn you are just hurting yourself.

    You are having a party for one and no one probably even knows. . so be kind to yourself and stop.

    Use that energy for something that benefits you. Don't waste it something you can't change.

    Family dynamics are frustrating some times. I get it.

    I have/had an issue with my brother and how it related to my parents, mostly my mother. But both my parents are gone and all that negative energy was ultimately a waste.

    Accept them for the quirky people they are. You don't have to agree with their choices and their lifestyle, but honestly, it probably doesn't have a direct impact on you anyway. So work on letting it go.
    What other choice do you have anyway?

  4. #4
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    This happens in a lot of families, and there's not a thing you can do about it.

    If she is co-executor, then she can't dispose of any property or bank accounts without your signature.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Imo, you need to let go of this resentment because you are needlessly tormenting yourself. You are now an adult and you should count your lucky stars that your parents never enabled and spoiled you like you say that they did with your sister. It always takes two to tango. Your parents enable her behaviour because they get something out of it too. Maybe a purpose for living. In the long-term, it's your sister who will suffer adjusting to the "real world" when they are gone. In the meantime, your parents get to feel needed and have an extra companion under their roof giving them an incentive to stay functional. Retirement from work can be retirement from life.

    It sounds like you have unresolved feelings regarding your upbringing. You could discuss this with them and try to resolve that grievance. Have you ever told them of your perceived double standard and asked them for their reasons? What was their answer?

    Regardless, in the grand scheme of things they did you a greater favor than they are doing your sister by raising you to be independent. Plus, the presence of your sister in their life likely prevents them from giving up on life like it happens with many people once they retire. You will not have your parents forever. Spending the final years resenting them is, imo, a waste of precious time.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by OneLoneClone
    I'm 33 and have been on my own since I was 19, I struggled yes, but it got me where I am today, which is a home owner, great job, great family, etc...
    So what's the complaint? You worked for what you have like the rest of us?

    Your parents are adults. They'll do what's worth it for them. As for your sister, some people just have it easier. And you can be sure others have had it harder than you. Living with resent is no way to live. Look to what you have.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're going have to get a handle on your emotional or physical trauma issues there because it's turning you into someone that sounds very off-kilter and unstable (not very likable or stable).

    Apart from that, it seems like you're upset because of the strain on your parents which is understandable. The only thing you can do is distance yourself from the family politics or take a breather. It's not like getting upset or hating anyone is going to change anything. You'll just hurt yourself. Distance yourself and take a time out. I think you're working yourself up into an unnecessary frenzy. Your feelings are valid but you're not utilizing them in a way that works for you. This means you're unchecked and way off the mark. Take care of yourself.

    Do you have other issues going on (financial, relationship etc)?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    What I would do? Mind my own business, stop worrying about it and go live my life.

    Trust me on this, when it gets to the point where they need their butt wiped/they need to shower/cooked for/ hand fed, cared for, she's gonna have to do it.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    Have to agree with the others here... my brothers are older than me and lived at home way into their 30s... while I was out in the world in my late teens, barely making rent... hey, but I wanted to be independent and I loved it. My point is I was never resentful to them because they had extra money not paying rent etc.

    You are in control of how you feel about things and YOU have decided to be resentful. Let this go, focus on your own life

  11. #10
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    The only person you control is yourself and you arent doing a very good job of it! You have to learn to let it go. Look the other way.

    Your sister does what she does because she can! Your parents let her away with this so why should she get out on her own, have to pay bills and rent, get a job, all the things productive adults do. She wont until she is forced, which will happen when your folks die.

    My husband was co-executor with another person for his dad's will and he had the lawyer ask the other person to bow out, and he did. So my husband was sole executor. Nobody to argue with at that point. Perhaps your sis will elect to bow out when the time comes and that will make your life easier.

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