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She wont grow up!


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So, this has bothered me for a long time and I dont know why.

My younger sister is 31 and still lives in my parents basement. Doesn't pay for a damn thing, drives a brand new car, works part time (when she feels like it) and doesnt lift a finger around the house, at all.

The worst part is, my parents think it's perfectly normal and okay for her to still be living in their basement because "it's harder for kids now adays to live on their own". That's their excuse....

I'm 33 and have been on my own since I was 19, I struggled yes, but it got me where I am today, which is a home owner, great job, great family, etc...

I've always resented my parents for this because even when she was a kid, she was spoiled rotten, while I was the one that suffered the emotional and physical abuse.

 

My sister and I have not spoken in 10+ years, she did not come to my wedding, etc... zero relationship. I think she is pathetic, and a leach and I honestly hate her.

 

My parents are getting up there in age and I asked them if they have a will, and they said both of us are executors...good grief....

 

How do I get over this? It drives me nuts. My 75 year old father still has to work to support my lazy loser sister, and it drives me insane.

They will NOT listen to anything I have to say about the matter, they get mad at me when I say anything about it.

 

Wwyd?

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How do you get over it? You just need to let it go.

 

It's the dynamic of their choosing and it works for all of them or they wouldn't do it.

Consider all the frustration and resentment you have (and I totally understand it) and consider it wasted energy that no one gets the benefit of.

In turn you are just hurting yourself.

 

You are having a party for one and no one probably even knows. . so be kind to yourself and stop.

 

Use that energy for something that benefits you. Don't waste it something you can't change.

 

Family dynamics are frustrating some times. I get it.

 

I have/had an issue with my brother and how it related to my parents, mostly my mother. But both my parents are gone and all that negative energy was ultimately a waste.

 

Accept them for the quirky people they are. You don't have to agree with their choices and their lifestyle, but honestly, it probably doesn't have a direct impact on you anyway. So work on letting it go.

What other choice do you have anyway?

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Imo, you need to let go of this resentment because you are needlessly tormenting yourself. You are now an adult and you should count your lucky stars that your parents never enabled and spoiled you like you say that they did with your sister. It always takes two to tango. Your parents enable her behaviour because they get something out of it too. Maybe a purpose for living. In the long-term, it's your sister who will suffer adjusting to the "real world" when they are gone. In the meantime, your parents get to feel needed and have an extra companion under their roof giving them an incentive to stay functional. Retirement from work can be retirement from life.

 

It sounds like you have unresolved feelings regarding your upbringing. You could discuss this with them and try to resolve that grievance. Have you ever told them of your perceived double standard and asked them for their reasons? What was their answer?

 

Regardless, in the grand scheme of things they did you a greater favor than they are doing your sister by raising you to be independent. Plus, the presence of your sister in their life likely prevents them from giving up on life like it happens with many people once they retire. You will not have your parents forever. Spending the final years resenting them is, imo, a waste of precious time.

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I'm 33 and have been on my own since I was 19, I struggled yes, but it got me where I am today, which is a home owner, great job, great family, etc...
So what's the complaint? You worked for what you have like the rest of us?

 

Your parents are adults. They'll do what's worth it for them. As for your sister, some people just have it easier. And you can be sure others have had it harder than you. Living with resent is no way to live. Look to what you have.

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You're going have to get a handle on your emotional or physical trauma issues there because it's turning you into someone that sounds very off-kilter and unstable (not very likable or stable).

 

Apart from that, it seems like you're upset because of the strain on your parents which is understandable. The only thing you can do is distance yourself from the family politics or take a breather. It's not like getting upset or hating anyone is going to change anything. You'll just hurt yourself. Distance yourself and take a time out. I think you're working yourself up into an unnecessary frenzy. Your feelings are valid but you're not utilizing them in a way that works for you. This means you're unchecked and way off the mark. Take care of yourself.

 

Do you have other issues going on (financial, relationship etc)?

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Have to agree with the others here... my brothers are older than me and lived at home way into their 30s... while I was out in the world in my late teens, barely making rent... hey, but I wanted to be independent and I loved it. My point is I was never resentful to them because they had extra money not paying rent etc.

 

You are in control of how you feel about things and YOU have decided to be resentful. Let this go, focus on your own life

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The only person you control is yourself and you arent doing a very good job of it! You have to learn to let it go. Look the other way.

 

Your sister does what she does because she can! Your parents let her away with this so why should she get out on her own, have to pay bills and rent, get a job, all the things productive adults do. She wont until she is forced, which will happen when your folks die.

 

My husband was co-executor with another person for his dad's will and he had the lawyer ask the other person to bow out, and he did. So my husband was sole executor. Nobody to argue with at that point. Perhaps your sis will elect to bow out when the time comes and that will make your life easier.

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Well this ball of resentment has had a long time to grow, so it may take some time to work out all that stress.

 

I'll just share what I've learned about managing resentment. There's a few aspects to it really. Self awareness is one. If you can't go deep into why you are feeling this way, find a safe spot to talk or write about it until you do understand the root.

Another part of it is forgiveness. It can be forgiveness inside for another, towards yourself, or both. Forgiveness to yourself for not knowing how else to deal with it until now, and for causing yourself harm by way of stress and bitterness.

Forgiveness doesn't mean agreeing. It's deciding to unfurl that toxic clot building inside you.

And there's the problem solving part. Actions you can take to prevent it before it starts, turn things in another direction when you see a sign of it starting.

 

So with a long standing one, I'd start with feeling and identifying what's underneath the anger. Is it old hurt unresolved from when you were a little guy? You didn't get direction and care, you got abuse. To see them working to the grave to care for her may be causing all sorts of feelings that aren't really about what is going on now, but then. Resentment is often about the past. Something unexpressed, unresolved.

 

I am so sorry you were mistreated as a child. I really do believe you can work through this, to the point it won't be a cause of resentment for you.

I'm cheering you on. Do it for your own health because you are worth that kind of loving care !

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You get over this by living your own life even if it drives you nuts. Learn to separate yourself. It's their life and you have your own life. There is nothing you can do about it so you might as well just remain a peaceful, civil person and mind your own business with all due respect.

 

I was once in similar shoes to yours and I've since learned to back off and get busy with your own life. Do what you enjoy, take good care of your health and immerse yourself in your day-to-day activities and busyness. You'll drive yourself crazy if you are consumed with your sister and your parents' lives.

 

Don't allow your sister to have a grip on your life. Learn to let it go and be free from undue stress. Get busy living. Create your own joy. After a while, you won't care anymore and will feel numb to it just like what happened to me. Then you'll actually begin to feel happy and not have a care in the world.

 

Make your troubles light by having a light heart instead of a heart filled with angst. This is what I do and I've never been happier nor more giddy. Change the way you think.

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I don't see People telling you to just "get over it" they are telling you to stop letting it eat you inside out, to distance yourself and focus on YOU, and your happiness. Once you do that, you will find peace....it is all about letting go. Part of the serenity prayer is:

to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

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That does not mean you are a beneficiary. Abdicate. The way your parents set it up is a legal nightmare. You could get stuck doing all the legwork, baring all the costs and still end up with nothing. An executor is not necessarily a beneficiary.

 

No one can force you into the headache legal hassles and cost of being an executor. In fact even if you did accept this headache, it does not mean you can legally change what they have outlined, including your sister staying in the house and whatever things they put in her name or leave to her. They may well do that because she is "there for them" in their old age. Keep in mind there are no laws that entitle either one of you to anything. First the surviving spouse inherits everything.

 

In the meantime her life is her problem. Do not bother with it.

My parents are getting up there in age and I asked them if they have a will, and they said both of us are executors.

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OK, so your sister is really not living a happy life. although you see material comforts. If I were to guess, she is a failure at romance, at providing for herself, and looks at you as a success in comparison.

 

Your parents may be enabling her. However, there is likely some kid of mental health issue going on. it is no accident that your father made you a co-executor of the estate. he knows you will not allow assets to be frittered away.

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