Jump to content

We click really well and he seems flirty but has a girlfriend


BDWay

Recommended Posts

Hello everyone!

 

First off, I want to thank anyone who will take the time to read this... I am really confused about this, and I am looking forward to what you might have to say about it!

 

I started working with him in early Jan this year but since we are both nurses we work in shifts and we didn’t start having shifts together until March. Actually, at first, I thought he wasn’t really my type because he tends to complain a lot (but not necessarily in a bad way. Mostly with work stuff and how our career isn’t given the proper value etc). I knew he had a girlfriend right from the start because the person I do most of my night shifts with has been his friend for a long time (he was actually her godfather at her wedding last year and his gf was a maid of honor), and I remember thinking “damn just my luck....” cause I have a tattoo on my wrist and he has been the only person so far who knows what it means so that was an instant plus for him! I was really surprised he knew!

 

As we started doing more shifts together, we realized we have A LOT in common.... like A LOT! We have the same taste in almost everything, to the point he invited me to go to a concert with him in May (just the two of us) and I agreed cause I really like the band and he does too but had no one to go with. There was also a shift where he asked me if I liked sushi and I said yes and he said “it’s because I usually don’t have anyone to go with” and I found it odd that he didn’t mention his gf not liking it or something, cause when his friend arrived to work he then started talking about his gf with her cause she brought it up like “oooh yeah your gf doesn’t like sushi”. And I started feeling weird cause he never talks to me about her. EVER! And I even asked a friend of mine of worked there if Y (let’s call my crush Y) had ever talked to him about his gf and he said yes. So why doesn’t he talk to me about her? And he knows I know he has a gf... And mind you, my friend started working there after me and was only there for 2 months, so it wasn’t like they had a close relationship or anything.

 

Then he started messaging me randomly to talk about games he was playing and stuff like that. But I am never the one to message him first cause I don’t want to send the wrong message that I am interested in him like that, so I reply if he sends a message and that’s it!

 

Last sunday we had a farewell dinner of a coworker and I actually sent him a message the night before to ask if he was taking his car and he said yes and if I wanted a lift and I said me and my friend (the one who used to work there) would be grateful if he could give us a ride to the restaurant! He called me the next day during my shift saying he had a few things to do in the city and since he didn’t want to go back home and then waste more fuel to pick us up he suggested he’d meet up with me after work so we’d kill some time before heading out to the dinner. He picked me up at 5 PM and we went to a shopping mall till like 7 PM until we picked my friend up. And since I had a night shift after dinner he also gave me a ride to work.

 

In the meantime, I lost a patient at work (my first one ever since I started working) and he was the only one to message me asking if I was okay after knowing what had happened.... that was really thoughtful of him... and the day after I saw him at work and I was sitting next to him and he pulled my head onto his shoulder and kind of hugged me.

 

So a few days ago we had a shift together again but this time it wasn’t just the two of us. We have a new colleague so we kind of have to show her around and help her feel more used to the new routines, and I noticed he wasn’t as close to me that day (and cause we also had a lot of work ahahah), but he would sometimes come to pet my head or my face. I wondered if it was cause there was someone else there...

 

Then we were talking about the day of the concert and how we have to talk to our boss so he doesn’t schedule us to work that day so we can go, and he said “oh I already kind of gave him the idea that I couldn’t really work that day” and I asked if he also talked about me needing the day off and he said “uhm no, cause he might think I’m hitting on you, and people here like to talk...”

 

But this sunday... we had another shift together and it was just the 2 of us and I felt so overwhelmed because he was really touchy with me (nothing sexual) in a way that gave me a more than a friendship vibe... he was also caressing my hair a lot and suggested that we’d watch the 3 Lord of the Rings movies together one day (we both love the trilogy) and he suggested it at least 3 times in that shift... which is weird cause he lives with his mom and I dont have a house yet (just a room) and I cant really bring him here.... so I was like to myself “uhm... where are we going to watch it??” And each movie is close to 3 hours long so... But he would hug me and even caress my thigh (again, didn’t feel sexual, but also didn’t feel that it was just as friends...)... and again he would only Be touchy when it was just us two or if there were only patients around... he was being very soft and loving honestly....

 

Yesterday he called me from work about a work related thing but It felt more like an excuse because 2 seconds after he had decided he didn’t need my help to solve it and then started asking if I had seen the new episode of Game of thrones and we ended up talking on the phone for over 20 minutes....

 

I should also mention that each time his gf calls it feels like he is kind of distant... I don’t know if it’s cause I am there but it’s like he is not very loving towards her... but maybe it’s just how he is or maybe I am thinking way too much about this....

 

All I know is that I don’t want to be the side dish if that’s what he’s after, cause I know what it’s like to be a gf and I wouldn’t want my bf to be all touchy and stuff like that with another girl. On the other hand, there is the possibility that maybe that’s just how he is once he gets to know someone? Maybe he’s just being friendly and that’s his way if showing affection without having second intentions... my sister said she found it odd that he was going to a concert with just me but I don’t think it’s that odd? It’s just a concert after all... my brother thinks he is interested and that maybe his relationship is not that solid (they have been dating for over 4 years I think) anymore so he likes my company and he knows we click well.... some of my friends just told me to let things happen and not try anything with him. Just wait it out. Others told me to bring his gf up to see his reaction...

 

Regardless, I just don’t know what to think... I really really like him, and if he didn’t have someone already I wouldn’t even think twice, but.... I also don’t want to keep my hopes up when maybe all he wants is a friendship... and I don’t want a cheater. Cause if he cheats on her he will cheat on me, so that is a big no. If he ever tries to kiss me or anything I will immediately put a stop to it because that is just wrong. If he is no longer in love with his gf then he should be honest with her instead of doing that!

 

Thank you all in advance and I hope I didn’t make this too confusing...

Link to comment

This is what we call an emotional affair. He's very much caught between you two. If you were smart you would distance yourself from him.

Even tho it's not sexual...yet, doesn't mean he isn't cheating. He's treating this like the beginning stages of dating...he's emotionally cheating on her. If you knew your BF was doing this with another girl, how would you feel? Get your head out of the clouds the both of you.

Link to comment

But maybe I am thinking too much about it and he is just being friendly? Like I said, I am not going after him. I don’t want to be that person and I am already feeling like an awful person from reading the replies here... but thank you so much for your honesty

Link to comment
He already is cheating on her. And you already are the side girl.

 

Don't go any further with this. Not only will you end up hurt, but you may end up with a reputation at work.

 

I certainly don’t want that to happen... so it’s obvious that I can’t condone this behaviour any longer... it’s better to stop it now than to feed it and then hurting others :/ thank you for your reply!

Link to comment
But maybe I am thinking too much about it and he is just being friendly? Like I said, I am not going after him. I don’t want to be that person and I am already feeling like an awful person from reading the replies here... but thank you so much for your honesty

 

Then don't be that person and draw proper boundaries with this guy.. come on! He is caressing your hair and your thighs at work

Link to comment

I guess a part of me was still hoping that someone would say “Maybe he is just being a friendly guy. Maybe he is touchy with people he is close to”.... that is where my conflict was coming from... cause I just didn’t want to immediately think he was interested in more than a friendship just cause we have a lot in common...

Link to comment
I guess a part of me was still hoping that someone would say “Maybe he is just being a friendly guy. Maybe he is touchy with people he is close to”.... that is where my conflict was coming from... cause I just didn’t want to immediately think he was interested in more than a friendship just cause we have a lot in common...

 

There aren't many folks on here who are going to sugar coat something. The best advice you'll get here are direct honest answers, even if it hurts. We're not being mean, just looking out for those involved.

Link to comment
There aren't many folks on here who are going to sugar coat something. The best advice you'll get here are direct honest answers, even if it hurts. We're not being mean, just looking out for those involved.

 

I wasn’t looking for people to sugar coat this, honestly. I was just looking for different opinions and that maybe it didn’t seem that he had other intentions...

Link to comment
But maybe I am thinking too much about it and he is just being friendly?

 

Look, maybe you are overthinking and maybe he's just being friendly—maybe.

 

Still, doesn't really matter, you see?

 

The vibe you're getting from him is not "nice new friend with gf" but "flirty guy with gf." And you're enjoying it, developing feelings, spinning around in your head, feeling confused and guilty and hopeful all at once.

 

In other words, you are not just being friendly. You are being...something...that feels kinda good and kinda wrong but not quite like friends.

 

And you are the only variable you can control here.

 

Makes sense that you'd like someone to say he's just "touchy" with friends—because then you could keep enjoying the part of this that doesn't feel like friends while calling it friends.

 

Which, I suspect, is basically what he's doing. He knows you know about the gf—he's talked about her in front of you, has taken calls in front of you. That gives him a pass for hair stroking and concert going to fall under the illusory umbrella of "just friends." And, hey, who knows what his dynamic is with his gf—that's their business. But generally if something looks kinda shady and feels kinda shady—well, it is kinda shady, you dig?

 

Your business, meanwhile, is that this dynamic doesn't feel like "just friends" to you. And so you assert some boundaries that make it feel right, rather than trying to read the tea leaves of his shade for guidance.

Link to comment
I feel like such an idiot... should I cancel going with him to the concert too?

 

You're obviously into this guy and the proximity at work not helping. Also the fact that you are confused about all of this tells me that you are a bit naive or immature, because this guy is CLEARLY crossing the line (which you have allowed).

 

No need to call yourself names, you came here for advice, take what we have given you and make a choice. The fact that you don't want to be a side piece and that you've noticed how cold he is towards his gf says that you are better than that.

Link to comment
Look, maybe you are overthinking and maybe he's just being friendly—maybe.

 

Still, doesn't really matter, you see?

 

The vibe you're getting from him is not "nice new friend with gf" but "flirty guy with gf." And you're enjoying it, developing feelings, spinning around in your head, feeling confused and guilty and hopeful all at once.

 

In other words, you are not just being friendly. You are being...something...that feels kinda good and kinda wrong but not quite like friends.

 

And you are the only variable you can control here.

 

Makes sense that you'd like someone to say he's just "touchy" with friends—because then you could keep enjoying the part of this that doesn't feel like friends while calling it friends.

 

Which, I suspect, is basically what he's doing. He knows you know about the gf—he's talked about her in front of you, has taken calls in front of you. That gives him a pass for hair stroking and concert going to fall under the illusory umbrella of "just friends." And, hey, who knows what his dynamic is with his gf—that's their business. But generally if something looks kinda shady and feels kinda shady—well, it is kinda shady, you dig?

 

Your business, meanwhile, is that this dynamic doesn't feel like "just friends" to you. And so you assert some boundaries that make it feel right, rather than trying to read the tea leaves of his shade for guidance.

 

Wow! You have really put things into perspective here for me. I think the fact that we so much in common and that he gives me some sort of attention draws me to feel attracted to him, and then craving it more.

 

Honestly, it’s pretty obvious that I can’t feed this any longer. If he is indeed interested in me and doing all of this... then he is already cheating on his gf. And if he is doing that to her... he will do the same to me if we ever got together. That much is clear....

 

Thank you so, so much for this... it was a wake up call...

Link to comment
You're obviously into this guy and the proximity at work not helping. Also the fact that you are confused about all of this tells me that you are a bit naive or immature, because this guy is CLEARLY crossing the line (which you have allowed).

 

No need to call yourself names, you came here for advice, take what we have given you and make a choice. The fact that you don't want to be a side piece and that you've noticed how cold he is towards his gf says that you are better than that.

 

Thank you for your advice! I still feel guilty for allowing him to touch me even if a part of me thought he was just being friendly. I can’t even begin to imagine how his gf would feel if she found out.... I would be so upset if this had been my bf.... sure a girl and a guy can be friends but... this feels like more than a friendship, and I don’t want to be a part of it. It sucks cause we really do have a lot in common and I love talking to him about various topics. Maybe in the future things change and we just see each other as friends and keep it at that :)

Link to comment

Just trying to help out.

 

I'm going to venture a guess that you're on the younger side of the adult spectrum, and I mean zero condescension there.

 

I just say it because some of these connection points that feel so profound (an appreciation of massively popular middle earth fantasia, a fondness for sushi, liking a certain band, decoding a tattoo) are maybe not quite as rare as you think.

 

Though I remember when that stuff felt differently. At 21 a woman could really suck in a lot of ways, but if she had read two books I loved, liked green and red salsa on burritos, and was kind on the eyes—well, I'd be swooning.

 

The really rare stuff? Good, kind people who handle themselves, and others, with grace and integrity.

 

Seems like he's slipping from that top spot on the totem pole in his own life. No need to level down from your own in exchange for some attention and, I don't know, yellowtail sashimi.

 

For the record, I don't consider his behavior cheating. It's just shady, slippery. Put a little distance up, for both of you, and you'll be on a better path than this one.

Link to comment
Just trying to help out.

 

I'm going to venture a guess that you're on the younger side of the adult spectrum, and I mean zero condescension there.

 

I just say it because some of these connection points that feel so profound (an appreciation of massively popular middle earth fantasia, a fondness for sushi, liking a certain band, decoding a tattoo) are maybe not quite as rare as you think.

 

Though I remember when that stuff felt differently. At 21 a woman could really suck in a lot of ways, but if she had read two books I loved, liked green and red salsa on burritos, and was kind on the eyes—well, I'd be swooning.

 

The really rare stuff? Good, kind people who handle themselves, and others, with grace and integrity.

 

Seems like he's slipping from that top spot on the totem pole in his own life. No need to level down from your own in exchange for some attention and, I don't know, yellowtail sashimi.

 

For the record, I don't consider his behavior cheating. It's just shady, slippery. Put a little distance up, for both of you, and you'll be on a better path than this one.

 

I’m about to turn 26, so you are not wrong :p

 

Everything you have written makes absolute sense. Whether he’s cheating or not or which term is used doesn’t matter, because actions speak louder than words, and I am the one who was at the receiving end of those actions and while some people might wave them off as nothing important, I FELT like some of them were more than just friendly... and to me it’s enough and it’s where I draw the line.

 

I agree that just because we have a lot in common with one person we happen to bump into it doesn’t mean they are the only fish in the sea and that I won’t find anyone like that again. Maybe we can be friends in the future who knows, but right now... I need to set limits before this spirals out of control....

 

Thank you so much for your reply :)

Link to comment

What the others said. He is emotionally cheating and you are participating in it scr3vving over his poor gf in the process while playing being coy to your own self. Real integrity is not subject to circumstances/conditions. It's a choice regardless of circumstances. You either have it or you don't. Playing coy about accepting the advances of someone that you know has a girlfriend doesn't paint you in a good light. At all. Doing it in your workplace is even worse. Women colleagues (and the are a lot in your profession) will not view you sympathetically. At all. Noone likes people who backstab, which is what you are participating in by enabling him.

 

On an another note, first impressions can be your gut trying to warn you. If someone is a complainer, then he would likely be no fun in the long-term. Yes, Nursing is underrated but whining about it to the point that it irritated you was a bad bad sign to begin with. Chances are that your subsequent infatuation and his current best behaviour mode while trying to woe you cloud your initial instinct. That first impression was probably the unfiltered version of him...

Link to comment
What the others said. He is emotionally cheating and you are participating in it, scr3vving over his poor gf in the process while playing being coy to your own self. Real integrity is not subject to circumstances/conditions. It's a choice regardless of circumstances. You either have it or you don't. Playing coy about accepting the advances of someone that you know has a girlfriend doesn't paint you in a good light. At all. Doing it in your workplace is even worse.

Women colleagues (and the are a lot in your profession) will not view you sympathetically. At all. Noone likes people who backstab, which is what you are participating in by enabling him.

 

On a final note, first impressions can be your gut trying to warn you. If he is a complainer then he would likely be no fun in the long-term. Yes, Nursing is underrated but whining about it to the point that it irritated you is a bad bad sign. Chances are that your subsequent infatuation and his current best behaviour mode while trying to woe you cloud your initial instinct. That first impression was probably the unfiltered version of him...

 

I was letting myself go and making up ways to excuse this behavior... we all like and crave attention, and I was allowing it to happen and I was disregarding everything else... if this went on it could really affect me in my workplace and I honestly love working there so I really don’t want to risk that over this for sure....

 

Thank tou for your advice and words :)

Link to comment

My guess?

 

This is not the first time he's pushed the boundaries in his relationship, and you aren't the first woman to wonder if he likes her. He seems comfortable and practiced enough with his shady interactions with you to suggest he's done this before. This isn't unfamiliar ground to him, I suspect.

 

I would not go to this concert together, but just for the novelty of seeing his reaction - I'd tell him you'd love to meet his girlfriend, and to invite her along so the three of you can all hang out!

 

I kid. Sort of.

Link to comment
But maybe I am thinking too much about it and he is just being friendly? Like I said, I am not going after him. I don’t want to be that person and I am already feeling like an awful person from reading the replies here... but thank you so much for your honesty

 

if that's the case then why did you just recount every nuance in great detail?

Personally, I am not flattered by the attention of a man with a girl friend.

Just think, if you're lucky he'll be your boyfriend and you get to live with the knowledge of how he operates.

Link to comment

Very disrespectful to you, his girlfriend and this doesn't look good in terms of his professionalism at work. He seems like a genuinely nice person but immature. For those reasons, limit your contact with him at work and if you work the same shifts and he tries to come onto you again, be honest that you feel uncomfortable for the given x, y, z reasons.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...