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I [21M] turned her [21 F] down after her behavior that disturbed me.


ArchieAnon

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I've known this girl [21 F] for about a year, and she's had feelings for me for about 9 months. We go to college together. For personal reasons, I decided not to date anyone for the first 5 months (last semester). The beginning of this current semester I was still uncertain at first, but I finally went on a date with her a couple of weeks ago. We both enjoyed it. We were planning a second one this week, but then something happened Sunday night that really bothered me.

 

Sunday night was an event that I was a part of, and she decided to show up with her dad to support me. During this event, my dad was filming and photographing. It turns out that she and her father are extremely sensitive when it comes to photography (she most likely got it from her father). For some reason, as my father was taking photographs of the crowd and the performing group, they assumed that he was taking pictures of THEM specifically. In response, they left the event early, then texted me demanding that we delete all the pictures "we took of them." There ended up being only ONE picture of the crowd, where you'd have to zoom in very far to even see them, which I explained to the girl through text. She responded saying she didn't believe me.

 

So basically Sunday night I learned that she is quick to label me a liar, and that she is quick to label my father as some sort of creep (even though she didn't use that word). That really bothered me.

 

Yesterday she confessed her longtime feelings for me, but we ended up just remaining friends. It was a hard decision because I have started gaining more feelings for her, but after Sunday night I could not help but feel weird about us and uncertain. She did not apologize for Sunday night. Because I was so uncertain, I just decided to remain friends. She's such a genuine, kind person, and we have a lot of things in common. However, Sunday night was a real shock to me, and I was somewhat hurt and definitely a bit freaked out. I'm not heartbroken, but I think it's a shame it ended this way. And I feel terrible because I do care about her, and I know she must feel heartbroken.

 

I get the feeling she'd be a great and loving girlfriend; she's nothing less than a gem. But I don't know if I'm willing to get involved with a family with such a bizarre stance. Not to mention I'm still a bit offended by what happened.

 

Do you guys think I made the right decision?

 

TL;DR: I went on a date with a girl who's had feelings for me for a while now. I have been starting to gain more feelings for her, but then Sunday night she and her father demonstrated somewhat disturbing behavior, accusing my father of photographing them without their permission, demanding the deletion of those pictures, and accusing me of lying when I attempted to explain that that was not the case. Today she confessed her longtime feelings for me, but because I was feeling uncertain, we decided to just remain friends. Did I make the right decision?

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OP not sure how or why you would consider her such a "gem."

 

And you get the "feeling" she'd be a great and loyal girlfriend? How so?

 

Because you're attracted to her? Attraction can really distort reality sometimes.

 

Reality is -- She nastily accused your dad of taking pics of her and her father without any evidence, only their own paranoia, demanded he delete, AND she called you a liar!

 

The more appropriate feeling you should have is that she is a bit of a nutcase, paranoid, accusatory; you definitely made the right decision!

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You've made the right choice—and bravo for that. Says a lot about who you are, someone who knows your boundaries, your worth, your needs, and won't bend and break and paint red flags white (as many do) the moment there's the potential for romance, connection, lust, love, sex, Netflix marathons, whatever.

 

She's got some great qualities, I'm sure. But that little moment? It's run for the hills stuff, frankly. You say gem, I say nuclear reactor.

 

Putting aside the sheer weirdness of it all, her reaction is unacceptable, inappropriate, the hallmark of instability. To move forward would be to accept that, to enable it, to give her crazy power and permission to blossom—and I'd bet a significant portion of my savings that, down the line, you'd see that paranoid, wrathful side flaring up a lot.

 

There was, as you said, "something psychological going on." And whatever that is/was—it's something to walk away from. Kind of like animal that looks super cute and friendly from afar, but as you approach it snaps, snarls, and bites. Who knows what happened to make the animal that way? What's knowable is that being bitten sucks.

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I dislike getting my photo taken and understand this person's feelings about it also. Ironically, my husband is an advanced/professional photographer also in his free time and there is more camera gear in our house than I'd care for. We absolutely have boundaries regarding his camera use and fortunately for us, he has specific subjects and they have nothing to do with me. Am I proud of him? Yes, of course. Do I support him? Yes. It brings him as much creative joy as painting or music for me. We are both creatives in our free time so our minds are alike.

 

This is just a difference in approach and if you knew this about her, I'm not sure why you didn't warn them that your dad is trigger happy with the camera. I think it takes two. Don't take it too hard. Just learn from it and realize that there are different strokes for different folks.

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That is weird for the Daughter and father to freak out over pictures. It sounds like there is some underlying issue there, probably with the father - and the woman goes along with it because she's a daddy's girl - which could be an additional problem.

 

However, why are you being friends with her if you won't date her? A relationship is a friendship on fire.

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I dislike getting my photo taken and understand this person's feelings about it also. Ironically, my husband is an advanced/professional photographer also in his free time and there is more camera gear in our house than I'd care for. We absolutely have boundaries regarding his camera use and fortunately for us, he has specific subjects and they have nothing to do with me. Am I proud of him? Yes, of course. Do I support him? Yes. It brings him as much creative joy as painting or music for me. We are both creatives in our free time so our minds are alike.

 

This is just a difference in approach and if you knew this about her, I'm not sure why you didn't warn them that your dad is trigger happy with the camera. I think it takes two. Don't take it too hard. Just learn from it and realize that there are different strokes for different folks.

It didn't even cross my mind that anything like this would happen. It did not cross my mind even as a possibility that my dad would be (supposedly) taking pictures specifically of them, which he would have no reason to do. I will admit she had told me a week ago never to take pictures of her without her knowing (I had taken a silly picture of her, where she was making a funny face, which she asked me to delete), but I did inform her beforehand that my dad would be filming at this event. I looked through every picture my dad took and found none that were focused on them. When I told her that, she asked "Is it possible that he deleted some pictures before he showed them to you?" To me, that seems unreasonable.

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Weird. Are the in a witness protection program?

 

I don't think so, as she as not mentioned anything of the sort (which I guess would be the point under witness protection). She talked to me about it, and said it's just always been the way she was raised. Her dad is very overprotective, not allowing any social media or online pictures of his family. He's especially protective of her with guys she dates because he believes (and has taught her) that if a relationship goes awry, the guy could use any pictures of her against her, like on social media, porn sites, etc. I understand this is possible, that there are guys out there that would take that sort of scummy action. I just think all this is a bit much and instills paranoia.

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You're wasting your energy, Archie, working out what's unreasonable or not. It's her wish. This means being respectful of what others wish for. She wasn't asking you to jump off a bridge either or take drugs. It was a simple request. If you're unable to respect that request, this friendship isn't ready for a relationship. It always starts with respect for each other.

 

If I got worked up about my husband's projects or the fact that he likes to photograph me(because he loves me), we would have ended a long time before we ever would have begun. Obviously, he does not photograph me in any of his professional endeavours. This is about the boundaries I mentioned earlier. This is just an example from us, though. Not every couple can tolerate or respect each other. I absolutely adore him and would want to see him happy and practicing what he does well, as long as there is mutual respect and consideration. I'd always emphasize respect. Some openness and willingless to debate or talk about difficult conversations also helps. I also think that it was unfortunate that she wasn't open to speaking with you about it in depth. I genuinely think that your father's lack of consideration scared them away and she and her dad have every right not to have anything to do with you or your family. Like I've said, different strokes for different folks.

 

You both also seem quite young and still under the strong influence of your parents/family. You're allowed to form your own opinions but I'd encourage being more even-handed when it comes to respecting others and others' space.

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I hear you, Rose Mosse, but from everything he's written it sounds like he was respectful, no?

 

She asked that photos be deleted, and while he maybe thought that was all a bit "much," he didn't chastise her for her value system. He scanned through the photos out of respect, found there were none explicitly of her and father, and explained that there was one in which they were visible with serious zooming. He listened to her needs, and accommodated them. Sounds pretty even-handed to me.

 

Her response? He was called a liar, and something was said, somewhat aggressively, that at least gave the impression that his father had been deemed of questionable character/intentions as well.

 

Respect is supposed to be mutual, no? A two way street?

 

Anyhow, no harm no foul. A relationship shouldn't be this complicated 6 months in, let alone before it's even become a relationship.

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His language in his first post was very strong and emotional. I think it evokes sympathy for himself and was somewhat villianizing the person he broke up with(the tl.dr section). He called their behaviour disturbing. There's really nothing disturbing about not liking a photo or photos being taken. I think there are a lot of worse things in this world. I don't think the tone was necessary to start with. I don't think it matters what was taken either. If it's offensive or disrespectful to your partner, depending on how seriously a person is willing to take that, you(hypothetical you) will adjust your lenses to view things from their perspective as well. This didn't happen and they went separate ways. That's normal. Move on.

 

Look, I don't think this girl likes you in general, Archie. It's a blow to the ego and that's ok. We meet people like that as we go along life. You don't have to agree with them and they don't have to agree with you. The relationship or dating is over. Let her be and I wouldn't be too up in arms about it especially considering how much she ticks you off also.

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I don't think so, as she as not mentioned anything of the sort (which I guess would be the point under witness protection). She talked to me about it, and said it's just always been the way she was raised. Her dad is very overprotective, not allowing any social media or online pictures of his family. He's especially protective of her with guys she dates because he believes (and has taught her) that if a relationship goes awry, the guy could use any pictures of her against her, like on social media, porn sites, etc. I understand this is possible, that there are guys out there that would take that sort of scummy action. I just think all this is a bit much and instills paranoia.

 

I was joking.

 

The difference between nudes and a group shot is a big difference. I think these people are strange. Good to know early who you are dealing with.

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Thank you for all the responses so far. I want to clarify that the part I found disturbing was the particularly strong response my family received for having done nothing wrong, or at least not intentionally. That response involved accusations against my father and a show of distrust of my word. Also, she most definitely does like me; she confessed her romantic feelings toward me, as I stated in the original post. This is also the first occurrence in which she's upset me, so it's not like things between us were rough before this.

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Thank you for all the responses so far. I want to clarify that the part I found disturbing was the particularly strong response my family received for having done nothing wrong, or at least not intentionally. That response involved accusations against my father and a show of distrust of my word. Also, she most definitely does like me; she confessed her romantic feelings toward me, as I stated in the original post. This is also the first occurrence in which she's upset me, so it's not like things between us were rough before this.

 

I'd leave her alone. She's giving you mixed signals, to say the least. I think both of you have fair and valid concerns. If you don't feel good about her in general, just stay friends and see how she reacts to other things in your friendship. Both of you seem a little sensitive (and I would be too, considering your families are involved) and have somehow offended each other. The vibes aren't so great here and until you have a better understanding of each other, just let things evolve naturally.

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Is her dad a wanted crook or something? A man leading a double life and terrified of exposure?

 

I am (mostly) joking, but their strong and accusatory reaction would suggest to me that they (or perhaps just Dad) are hiding something. I wouldn't bother trying to figure out what it is.

 

If they're this overly sensitive to a random photo, imagine the fun in store for you if you were actually dating her and expected to try to integrate your lives.

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You guys took photos of them? They could be abuse victims. Her father could have a higher profile career and not want photos of them. There could be a lot of reasons. I think you're overreacting and could've done a better job assuring her that the photos were in fact deleted.

 

There could be a number of reason why someone wouldn't want a photo of them out there. Specially if theres an event, with photos of their face, in a specific location where someone could find them. There could be a lot of unknown reasons (unknown to you) why they wouldn't of wanted their photo taken.

 

I'm guessing you gave her the third degree as to why she'd want these photos deleted instead of assuring her they would be deleted, which probably made her doubt if you've respected what she was saying to you and deleted them like you were asked to.

 

I suggest you leave the girl alone. Sounds like you knew they were sensitive about photography and instead of alerting your dad or talking to them about it beforehand, you let it happen and then acted surprised and almost insulted (?) they left the event.

 

If you respected the girl and her family, these would be precautions you would've taken BEFORE the event. If you cared about her enough you'd do everything in your power to make sure her father is comfortable and that everything is getting deleted.

 

I think some of this story is left out...

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