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Thread: She doesn't want a relationship, but keeps initiating contact?

  1. #1
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    She doesn't want a relationship, but keeps initiating contact?

    Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I'm a 23 y/o Indian guy, who was formerly dating a 20 y/o girl. We went on 4 dates. So here's the story(I'll try to make it as short as possible, but there are a lot of key details):

    So about a month back, I matched with a girl on Tinder, and we hit it off instantly. She took my number, and asked me out within a couple of hours! It was a pleasant surprise, as I was not used to being asked out first.

    I had just quit my former job and was spending almost all day home applying for new ones, and learning new skills(I'm a software engineer). And I got burnt out eventually, as I had minimal social interaction due to being obsessed with getting a new job. My only social interaction was the daily gym. This caused me to have wayyy too much free time, and I used to check my phone every hour to see if she replied.

    We chatted for a couple of weeks, as we couldn't meet due to time constraints. During these two weeks, we texted each other quite a lot(though not too much), and had amazingly deep and long conversations, and had many similar and shared interests. She brought up the topic of sex, and we talked about our kinks, etc(yes all of this before even meeting).

    When we finally met, things were as good as I had expected. She's somewhat shy&awkward, and a huge introvert, and I'm an ambivert. Initially there was a bit of awkwardness, but we established comfort quickly. I eventually asked her what she was using Tinder for, and she said, "romantic companionship". I didn't think much of it back then, but I should've. Anyways, we opened up to each other about some of our traumas, our dark, deep secrets, etc and bonded extremely well, and our first date lasted 7 hours! At the end of it, she invited me to her flat(she lives with her roommates) for the second date, because her flat would be empty.

    I didn't think much of this again, but the plan got canceled, because her roommates canceled their traveling plans. We still met at her flat, went for a movie, walk, had street food, explored the city, etc. And we finally held hands. This one lasted 12 hours!

    There was a gap of 2 weeks for the third one, and I, having an anxious attachment style, as well as having too much free time on my hands became quite disappointed when she canceled our third date twice, because of her personal issues. It was like a drug; I used to feel on top of the world when she'd reply and crash and burn when she took too long to reply(I realized that she has an avoidant attachment style). I also realized that she wasn't a social media addict, and thus, didn't check her phone much.

    Anyways, during the third date, we kissed and made out, but she had to leave quickly because of her college meeting. She invited me again to her flat for a couple of days saying that her roommates were leaving for good, this time round.

    So I spent the weekend at her flat. We made out almost the entire time, and cuddled together when sleeping. Things were looking good.

    And then, next day morning, she brought up the "What are we" talk. She asked me what I was looking for. I told her to tell me first and she did; she told me that she'd be going abroad for her college internship for a couple of months in a month and a half, and thus, wanted whatever we had to end before her exams started in May.
    She told me that she wasn't looking for a relationship at this stage of her life, and that she couldn't do long distance this early.

    I realized that I had fallen hard for her! So I told her that I felt like this was eventually leading to a relationship. However she told me that she felt that she'd change after her trip, and that I'd fall for some other girl while she wasn't around. I stupidly agreed to keep things as they were till her exams started, and we continued making out the rest of the day, and we almost had sex, but I told her I wasn't ready, as I really needed to be in love with someone to have sex with them(I had already told her this before we met for the first date) and that it was too early. We both are virgins btw.

    But, we continued making out, and here's where things changed; the next day morning, she suddenly became distant and told me that we should end things right now, telling me that she wasn't in the right headspace, was confused, said she had "commitment issues" but that she wasn't against relationships, etc etc. I was obviously more dejected, but tried my best not to show it. She also told me that the most physical she'd been with a guy was kissing him when she was drunk, and told me that I was the only guy that she'd been this far physically with, and thanked me for helping her explore her sexual side.

    Anyways, I took her compliment, and told her that I wouldn't sit and wait for her, and that I'd focus on moving on, but that the offer was open if she changed her mind once she returned from the trip. I told her that we should stay in touch. I, then eventually left her house, with a heavy heart. I decided I was done with online dating, and deleted Tinder. I also felt like I needed a break from dating for a while.

    We texted a bit that day, and I then decided to cut off contact for a while, letting my emotions out by writing stuff in a diary, crying, etc. After a couple of days, I took up meditation, started working out even harder, improved my wardrobe, hairstyle, met new women platonically and caught up with old friends.

    After our previous convo, she initiated contact three days later, asking me for a small favor to which I obliged. The convo ended there. Then, a day later, she asked me if I watched a specific TV show and we chatted for a bit. Then, we didn't contact each other for a week and a half. And then, she initiated contact again, bringing up a random philosophical topic, and we had a conversation for a while again.

    I'm just wondering why she keeps initiating contact. She wouldn't initiate contact much when we were dating, so it's surprising she's doing it now, and that too, thrice.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    She's just keeping tabs on you. It's a more or less basic, low commitment tactic for stringing someone along. You're both inexperienced so I doubt there's any ill-intent there or any other particular reason. You seem a bit too infatuated with her for your own good given the circumstances. I'd say step back and distance yourself from the texts. Take one or two weeks to reply every time she texts you. Don't reply right away and keep it to two to three words. See what happens when she returns.

    May I ask what's happening with your job situation?

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    She's just keeping tabs on you. It's a more or less basic, low commitment tactic for stringing someone along. You're both inexperienced so I doubt there's any ill-intent there or any other particular reason. You seem a bit too infatuated with her for your own good given the circumstances. I'd say step back and distance yourself from the texts. Take one or two weeks to reply every time she texts you. Don't reply right away and keep it to two to three words. See what happens when she returns.

    May I ask what's happening with your job situation?
    Thanks for the reply.
    Isn't one or two weeks a bit much when replying back to texts considering I heavily use my phone everyday, as well as post on IG regularly?
    Ohh, I was in a job for 6 months before, but quit because the company crumbled, and now my new job is starting in June, so I'll finally be busy again. However, right now, I'm busy with exams, so being occupied is keeping my mind off of her, although I've noticed she's liked my new IG pics.
    Also, forgot to mention in my original post that she apologized for randomly starting the conversation about whatever philosophical talk we had. Idk why she apologized.

  4. 04-17-2019, 06:56 AM

  5. #4
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Think selfishly.

    In her own selfish interests, she wants access to you. She doesn't offer the terms you want, and wants you anyway. Why wouldn't she try to preserve her connection to you?

    Its up to you to act in a manner that works for YOU. Do not react to her; act in accordance with your own best interests. Stay on your path.

  6.  

  7. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by FrozenFlames
    Thanks for the reply.
    Isn't one or two weeks a bit much when replying back to texts considering I heavily use my phone everyday, as well as post on IG regularly?
    Ohh, I was in a job for 6 months before, but quit because the company crumbled, and now my new job is starting in June, so I'll finally be busy again. However, right now, I'm busy with exams, so being occupied is keeping my mind off of her, although I've noticed she's liked my new IG pics.
    Also, forgot to mention in my original post that she apologized for randomly starting the conversation about whatever philosophical talk we had. Idk why she apologized.
    I don't think one to two weeks is too long. Turn the tables over and let her wonder about you. I'd limit the IG posts also and do other things outside of social media. I think you need to meet new people also. Please note that I'm not specifically meaning women. Meeting new people will likely give you a bigger perspective and greater focus on the bigger picture. You'll learn to appreciate different aspects and even meet others who may be better matched for you. You'll also be open to picking up on better and greater qualities in others as you develop yourself and learn to pick a partner.

    People apologize for any number of reasons. She may have felt awkward. Some people apologize like it's nobody's business, like lemons raining down on a lemonade stand. It means nothing at times and it's meaningful at other times. Canada in general tends to be an apologetic country. The culture here is kind and compassionate. This means 'sorry's are a part of everyone's vocabulary and used often like punctuation. Some families are like this too. There's nothing wrong with either way or style. You just have to know the difference between a weighted apology and an apology that's used like punctuation.

  8. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Your relationship appears to be ending the same way it started. It was easy and non committal to have an electronic friend and when things got real, she reevaluated and changed her mind.
    She appears to like your friendship and I doubt there is a future here given all the things you shared.
    I could be wrong but there aren't alot of things about this working in your favor.

  9. #7
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    Eh, this isn't unusual when one person likes the other okay, but not enough to want to commit to a relationship.

    She liked the attention and affection from you, so she keeps in touch. Maybe she's bored or other Tinder guys aren't replying to her. You're the distraction and little ego-boost when she wants some validation.

    But she's told what her bottom line is. This will come to an end. How long and how often you choose to respond to her now will dictate how hurt you are when she finally leaves and goes silent.

  10. #8
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Some young women are not ready to fall in love.

    It sounds like she likes you as a friend.

  11. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Speaking only for myself, I date to learn whether someone wants the same things I do. If not, I just pass and let them know why. If they still contact me after that I ignore. Itís really that simple.

  12. #10
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Think selfishly.

    In her own selfish interests, she wants access to you. She doesn't offer the terms you want, and wants you anyway. Why wouldn't she try to preserve her connection to you?

    Its up to you to act in a manner that works for YOU. Do not react to her; act in accordance with your own best interests. Stay on your path.
    Thanks for the reply. This us what I'm trying to do.

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I don't think one to two weeks is too long. Turn the tables over and let her wonder about you. I'd limit the IG posts also and do other things outside of social media. I think you need to meet new people also. Please note that I'm not specifically meaning women. Meeting new people will likely give you a bigger perspective and greater focus on the bigger picture. You'll learn to appreciate different aspects and even meet others who may be better matched for you. You'll also be open to picking up on better and greater qualities in others as you develop yourself and learn to pick a partner.

    People apologize for any number of reasons. She may have felt awkward. Some people apologize like it's nobody's business, like lemons raining down on a lemonade stand. It means nothing at times and it's meaningful at other times. Canada in general tends to be an apologetic country. The culture here is kind and compassionate. This means 'sorry's are a part of everyone's vocabulary and used often like punctuation. Some families are like this too. There's nothing wrong with either way or style. You just have to know the difference between a weighted apology and an apology that's used like punctuation.
    Oh, I live in India. We're very polite too, but at least from what I know, she's not the kind of girl who's so formal(as in her apologizing for starting the random topic of conversation out of nowhere, after a week). Here's me over-analyzing things, but I've noticed her using exclamation marks very frequently in her recent messages, as well as being formal. I guess you're right about the awkwardness part; I too think it may be that. And yes, I've stopped posting stories so frequently on my IG, since I saw your reply. It was a wake up call for me(I saw your reply some days back, but was on my phone so didn't reply).

    And yeah, it's been 5 days since her and me have last had a conversation, and I'm moving on better now, so my head is much more clear at this point.

    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Your relationship appears to be ending the same way it started. It was easy and non committal to have an electronic friend and when things got real, she reevaluated and changed her mind.
    She appears to like your friendship and I doubt there is a future here given all the things you shared.
    I could be wrong but there aren't alot of things about this working in your favor.
    Thanks for the reply. This reminded me that we asked each other on our second date, as to why we specifically swiped right on each other, and she said, "Ohh I loved what you wrote in your bio. It felt very authentic. Also, the fact that you were good-looking." which was a nice ego boost to me, as I was formerly a very shy and insecure guy who hated himself, and I had zero self-love. I'm also taller than 99% of Indian guys, and I'm in decent shape now, so I guess these helped me too, back then. So I guess, there was strong physical attraction towards me for her, but she probably wasn't looking to commit, given her age, and her traveling thing. At least, this is what I think when I reflect back on it.
    It's a funny thing tbh, because I was extremely skinny before, and had a very unflattering haircut(something like the Justin Bieber haircut), so I'd always get the, "I'm sorry, I only see you as a friend" line from girls when I told them I liked them, and all of them, after a few years, told me that they weren't physically into me enough to pursue a relationship. But, now, it's different, and opposite; girls tell me they find me "good looking"/"hot"/"cute", etc, and not boasting, but I could have ONS with girls from Tinder if I wanted to(I declined three girls who wanted that), but I won't, because as I said in my previous post, I really need to be in love with a girl to have sex with her.

    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Eh, this isn't unusual when one person likes the other okay, but not enough to want to commit to a relationship.

    She liked the attention and affection from you, so she keeps in touch. Maybe she's bored or other Tinder guys aren't replying to her. You're the distraction and little ego-boost when she wants some validation.

    But she's told what her bottom line is. This will come to an end. How long and how often you choose to respond to her now will dictate how hurt you are when she finally leaves and goes silent.
    Thanks for the reply. Actually, both of us uninstalled Tinder on our second date(not deleted Tinder, as I have mentioned in my original post(it was a silly mistake on my part).
    She had 2000+ likes!(which isn't uncommon for an attractive girl on Tinder), and she told me she was annoyed by the constant notifications on Tinder. She even showed me her matches(she had around 20 matches).
    Anyway, I think you're spot on about the validation part, because a few days back, I reinstalled Tinder out of boredom, and saw her in my match list.
    However, today, I saw that she wasn't in my match list anymore, which surprised me a little. I assumed she deleted her profile finally.
    So, I was just mindlessly swiping, and stumbled across her profile card. My heart stopped for a moment, and I saw that she uploaded new pictures of herself.
    That's when I realized she probably reinstalled Tinder to get some validation and ego-boost, because I wasn't there anymore to provide her with that. And I'm pretty sure about this, because her exams are starting in a couple of days, and she wouldn't use Tinder to meet new guys at this point, because it would obviously hinder her exams.

    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Speaking only for myself, I date to learn whether someone wants the same things I do. If not, I just pass and let them know why. If they still contact me after that I ignore. Itís really that simple.
    That's something I have to learn to do from now on.

    Anyways, I'm not contacting her anymore, for a while, till I heal completely.
    I'll update you guys after some days as to what's happening.

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