Husband won’t accept its over

So in my previous post I was saying how almost a month again I left my husband of 12 years due to a history of dishonesty capped off with the discovery of inappropriate emails between him an a woman at his electrical supplier. She also had sent him a bikini pic and he replied with a cartoon penis (I never saw this but husband states that this is all there ever was - despite her saying in email she was running out of ideas, what pic did he want tomorrow?)and asked her to send a pic of “all of her” next time and implied she should take the day off work with him. A couple months later she (according to him randomly) sent him an email asking him how he’d ask a friend to borrow his house for the afternoon to have sex with someone who wasn’t his wife. Now this is the very least that happened. I refuse to believe that this is the whole story, there’s no way that everything that happened between them just happens to be what I found myself in these emails. Anyway...that’s some of the background.

I left him almost a month ago. In this time he has been absolutely broken, has attended counselling, enrolled in anger management, changed suppliers to he won’t need any contact with this woman. He is still calling me pet names and ending messages with xx and begging me to help him fix things. I have told him I don’t love him and I would never trust him again. We are completely over and I have not once even hinted that I am interested in “fixing” things.

I am really sorry he is hurting, I really am. How do I make him understand that there is no future for us bedsides coparenting our son?

My guess is he is still in shock that you left and have said it's over. You may need to communicate with him thru a lawyer.

First off, good for you. I remember your last thread, and from that one this is clearly the right path for you and your son.

He’s probably going to be shocked for a while. Good for him for taking some steps he’s needed to take for some time—it’ll make him a better man, a better co-parent. Hopefully he stays that path even when reality sets in.

Maybe a lawyer is the way to go? Ultimately you’ll just have to keep holding the line you’re holding, and the facts will sink in.

Do you have a good network of support right now?

Glad you ended it with this bum!

Stop engaging with him, unless necessary for bills, etc...Contact an attorney and get divorce proceedings going. He can go through your lawyer, after that.

How do you make him understand? He gets papers from the courts/your attorney regarding divorce and child support,custody/visitation. Unless you file for a divorce and he gets a letter from an attorney why would he "accept it's over"? This is not dating where you break up for a while. If "it's over" you need to file for divorce. Otherwise it's not over. Also you are still communicating with him directly.

If you really want "it over", you need to take some steps and let your attorney communicate with him as well as stopping the chitchat. It sounds like you just want him to grovel and beg for a while as punishment for texting this woman.

I left him almost a month ago. He is still calling me pet names and ending messages with xx. How do I make him understand that there is no future for us bedsides coparenting our son?

How do you make him understand? He gets papers from the courts/your attorney regarding divorce and child support,custody/visitation. Unless you file for a divorce and he gets a letter from an attorney why would he "accept it's over"?

 

In Australia you cannot apply for a divorce until you have been separated 12 months.

Excellent. Now all you have to do is work out a child custody/child support arrangement through the courts, stop chitchatting and whatever the pre-divorce filing/procedure is appropriate for your jurisdiction.

In Australia you cannot apply for a divorce until you have been separated 12 months.

 

Do you have a good network of support right now?

Thankyou, yes I do. 😊

In Australia you cannot apply for a divorce until you have been separated 12 months.

We have the same law in Canada but if you have kids and need to make financial and custody arrangements you can file a separation agreement with the courts that can then be used to draw up the divorce agreement.

Just ignore any messages or calls from him that are unrelated to your child or moving forward with the separation... of course he is having regret and guilt about what he did but it's a selfish regret and guilt and he wants you to absolve him of blame. If you took him back he would likely do it again and/or try to tell you it was your fault that he cheated... he hasn't been alone long enough to make any real changes in his life and is probably still seeing that woman.

Well, some guys wear their heart on their sleeves and just can't let go. It may take some time.

One of the best rejections would be to tell him you have a boyfriend, depending on your morals. Or just get boyfriend. Or start dating, and tell him that you met someone else and want to see where it goes. Additionally, you should be dating even if you don't feel like it yet. It will make you feel better, it's good therapy.

If he has any good intuition/sense (probably not), he will loose interest when he hears that there is another man in your life.

There is no way to reject somebody nicely. They have to reject you, it hurts less that way - when it's their own idea.

Divorce can be tough when you have kids and have to deal with each other until they are 18.

 

I am really sorry he is hurting, I really am. How do I make him understand that there is no future for us bedsides coparenting our son?

It's not your job to make him understand. It's a process he needs to work through on his own.

When reality sinks in he'll likely be at an all time low.

But these are the consequences of his actions.

You two are no longer a team. His `feelings and beliefs' are not your responsibility.

You take care of you.

Well, some guys wear their heart on their sleeves and just can't let go. It may take some time.

 

One of the best rejections would be to tell him you have a boyfriend, depending on your morals. Or just get boyfriend. Or start dating, and tell him that you met someone else and want to see where it goes. Additionally, you should be dating even if you don't feel like it yet. It will make you feel better, it's good therapy.

 

If he has any good intuition/sense (probably not), he will loose interest when he hears that there is another man in your life.

 

There is no way to reject somebody nicely. They have to reject you, it hurts less that way - when it's their own idea.

 

Divorce can be tough when you have kids and have to deal with each other until they are 18.

This is more likely to cause jealousy and violence that it is to make him want to move on. Especially if he is this torn up over it. He may think the other man was there the whole time... Really, that would create more potential problems than it solves. Not to mentioning wasting some other guy's time as a rebound.

Well, some guys wear their heart on their sleeves and just can't let go. It may take some time.

 

One of the best rejections would be to tell him you have a boyfriend, depending on your morals. Or just get boyfriend. Or start dating, and tell him that you met someone else and want to see where it goes. Additionally, you should be dating even if you don't feel like it yet. It will make you feel better, it's good therapy.

 

If he has any good intuition/sense (probably not), he will loose interest when he hears that there is another man in your life.

 

There is no way to reject somebody nicely. They have to reject you, it hurts less that way - when it's their own idea.

 

Divorce can be tough when you have kids and have to deal with each other until they are 18.

She should not be telling him that she has a bf. He could become vengeful, or it could be held against her in court. He needs to deal with the situation. It is also more painful to believe that you have been cheated on.

It seems as if you have been through a lot. You may need to reach out to those wise people in your inner circle to give you sound advice. It would be good to have their support and guidance right now. Is there any hope for reconciliation? I pray that your relationship with your ex will be strengthened to co-parent your child. Stay encouraged.

And then yesterday I get this message from the other woman or whatever she is:

“Ok. So it did only happen for the one month last yr. He initiated it due to a joke myself our storeman and him were having when cutting him cable. I can't remember how it started all I remember was Michael saying. Try being with one person for 11 yrs that's boring. I need a change and something new. I ignored and brushed the comment off. As he was walking out the door he was like text me text me let's have some fun.... there's always inappropriate comments with EVERY MALE customer that walks in. The guys think it's normal to talk to me like a bloke and In a male dominated industry you learn to deal with it accept it and move on. Anyway Michael kept persisting wanting pics wanting info wanting to catch up making comments trying to brush passed me in the isles when I was helping get gear for him. I didn't chase he chased he pushed he pressured. I sent one pic and if I could find it on my Facebook id send it so u could see. He sent a pic some stupid cartoon thing. In the end i just kept changing the subject or avoiding his comments and questions to meet and send .But that was it. There was no hooking up no sex no naked pics... he's a sleaze ball and you deserve better. He's lucky he doesn't shop with us anymore because I'd seriously drop him for saying it was all me.”

And when I asked her about the email about borrowing a mates place for sex she said that my husband (ex) had wanted her to drop some equipment off to a job at a mates place who had told them they could “use” the place. She says that she never went there. Who knows. She’d be an idiot to admit it seeing as though she’s still with her husband.

As much as these messages were a kick in the guts, it was the kick that I needed to confirm I have made the right decision.

What was her message in response to? Why would she have your contact info, do you know her/work with her? What questions was she responding to?

And then yesterday I get this message from the other woman or whatever she is

What was her message in response to? Why would she have your contact info, do you know her/work with her? What questions was she responding to?

A while ago I sent her a text (I got her number off my ex h’s phone a while back) asking for the truth. She finally replied.