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Thread: Boyfriend does not love me

  1. #1

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    Boyfriend does not love me

    I'm a 34 year old female. My boyfriend is 38. We've been together 10 months and he is not in love with me. I do love him and I have told him I do. He said he cares about me a lot, but is not in love. He has had a rough year. His mother passed away 4 months into our relationship and he's had to deal with a lot of the stress of handling family matters since then. I feel like because of the out of ordinary circumstances, I should give him more time, but I also don't want to be blind to the possibility that he may not develop those feelings. I'm confused about how long I should wait. I don't want to end the relationship but I also don't want to keep something going that may not go anywhere. He did say he never told his last girlfriend he loved her and that he never did. They we're together for a little more than a year and this was before he had any major stressful events occur. I'm just not sure what to do. I don't want to be selfish but I also want to look out for my own well being.

    Let me add that he has said he does not love me. It's not that he just hasn't said the words yet.
    Last edited by Cb1982; 04-15-2019 at 02:29 PM. Reason: Information

  2. #2
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Many guys don't say "I love you", it's more of a girls' thing. Whatsamatter, you no like Squint Eastwood?!

    If you listen to your gut/intuition, you can usually tell by a man's actions if he loves you. How does he treat you?

    Woman says, "I love you" Translation: "Now you say it!"

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    After 10 months of being together, if he still doesn't feel he loves you, I'd say it's time to cut him loose.

    His 'rough year' has nothing to do with it. If you love someone, you share the rough times; you don't isolate yourself. I think you're wasting your dating years with him. He's told you that he's not in love with you. You should take him at his word.

  4. #4

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    I'm thinking this might be what I have to do. He's said he wants to continue to be together, but I'm not sure how long I'm supposed to wait for him when he could possibly never feel the same.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I wouldn't waste my time. He wants to continue to be together for what reason? He likes the sex? You do his laundry? That's not what relationships are all about.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Many guys don't say "I love you", it's more of a girls' thing. Whatsamatter, you no like Squint Eastwood?!

    If you listen to your gut/intuition, you can usually tell by a man's actions if he loves you. How does he treat you?

    Woman says, "I love you" Translation: "Now you say it!"
    To a point I agree with this... it's about his actions and how he treats you... In all of my relationships the men have said "I love you"... some less frequently, some more, but at the end of the day most do know how to communicate feelings and will express it when they really mean it.

    What Gary may not have caught was that he has explicitly said he doesn't love you.... this isn't just a case of him being afraid or unwilling to say it, it's a case of him really meaning it. As hard as that might be to accept I think you need to face it and think about moving on if you want more.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by maew
    What Gary may not have caught was that he has explicitly said he doesn't love you.... this isn't just a case of him being afraid or unwilling to say it, it's a case of him really meaning it. As hard as that might be to accept I think you need to face it and think about moving on if you want more.
    This.

    It's not just about someone who is uncomfortable saying the words but fine showing you he loves you. He has told you he does not feel that way about you.

    If this was an issue in his last relationship too, then I don't think it's related to the stressful personal events he'd suffered this year. I think he either dates women he's not that compatible with and winds up sticking around after the relationship reaches its expiration date, or he enters relationships for the wrong reasons and gets too comfortable to just end it.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    To a point I agree with this... it's about his actions and how he treats you... In all of my relationships the men have said "I love you"... some less frequently, some more, but at the end of the day most do know how to communicate feelings and will express it when they really mean it.

    What Gary may not have caught was that he has explicitly said he doesn't love you.... this isn't just a case of him being afraid or unwilling to say it, it's a case of him really meaning it. As hard as that might be to accept I think you need to face it and think about moving on if you want more.
    - very good argument. But maybe he could be in love and does not know it? I run across a lot of people who know little about love - even therapists (even though I recommend them, they don't know everything.)

    But If he did really say outloud, "I don't love you......there is another problem with that......it's just really unromantic to say such a thing. Huge turnoff.

    I'll admit it looks pretty bad.

    In closing, I'll just say that 10 months is plenty of time to fall in love, it it's going to ever happen for a couple. And you need somebody who loves you and who is romantic for a good relationship.

  10. #9
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Even though I commend the dude for being honest with his feelings, his words "doesn't love you" are not terms of endearment.
    Are you ok with being friends. I would give it two more months. (1 year into the relationship and more time to deal with family stuff) If those words "I love you" don't come out, don't let your heart be broken for many years after waiting for him to utter those three important words. He might never say them.
    Sorry you are in this predicament

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Many guys don't say "I love you", it's more of a girls' thing. Whatsamatter, you no like Squint Eastwood?!

    If you listen to your gut/intuition, you can usually tell by a man's actions if he loves you. How does he treat you?

    Woman says, "I love you" Translation: "Now you say it!"
    That is not what I have experienced. Men have always told me first.

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