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Splitting rent if your partner stays at your place a few times a week


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Question: To split a portion of rent/bills or not if your partner stays at your place a few times a week, but you never stay at their place.

 

My bf and I have been together for 1 year.We are in our mid to late twenties, both have steady careers and make good money for our age. He lives at his mom’s house in order to save for a home and the fact that he will be starting grad schools soon and I have my own 1 bedroom apartment.

 

Ever since I got my apartment last year he had been staying at my place a few times a week, and then it turned to some weeks at a time. The last few months, he has only been staying at my place 2-3 nights a week. Let me add in, I never stay at his house because his mom lives there so that would be strange.

 

My question is, should I be asking him to help pay rent or some of the bills?

I’m starting to feel like it’s unbalanced that he stays at my place and uses my toiletries, and has also not offered to help. If it were me, I would have offered to help months ago.

I must also add in that when we got out to eat we tend to split the expenses as in he pays one time then I pay the next time.

 

Thank you for your input in advance.

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Me personally, I wouldn't care as I would be incurring those expenses anyway.

 

If he moved in full time, I'd certainly expect expenses to be split.

 

That doesn't mean my answer is the correct one, as it comes down to personal preference. I'd honestly be more concerned that he still lives with his mom.

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He's showering, I assume, and so he's using water (unless your water bill is included in the rent).

 

If he's eating several meals at your place a week, then that's costing you a bit of money. You say he's making good money. He's also not paying any rent at his parents' house. Sit him down and have a nice talk about how much money you're spending on groceries and ask him to pitch in.

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For me it would depend.

 

Have your utility bills (gas, electric, water, cable, wifi) increased since he's been staying over?

 

I would think the water bill would, since he's now taking showers, washing up, using the toilet, too.

 

But with two people sharing space, the usage of utilities typically increases.

 

I think at the very least he should chip in for groceries.

 

Re your dates, the dynamic there shouldn't have to change imo.

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Thank you everyone for your input so far.

The water bill is included in my rent, but not the gas bill so hot water is a charge.

If I already have food at my house, we will eat that, but if we go grocery shopping he will pay for the groceries if he is planning on making a recipe so The groceries are enough groceries to make one meal.

 

As for dates, it’s split. If he pays for our dinner date one night, then I’ll pay for our lunch date the next time and so on.

I must also add I tend to drive us around more than he does as well. I’ve tried to put a stop to that but I live in a busy area and he doesn’t want to lose his parking spot.

He makes a lot more money than I do, but It’s weird because it’s is not about the money really. I’m just starting to get annoyed that he’s never bothered or considered to chip in.

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Question: To split a portion of rent/bills or not if your partner stays at your place a few times a week, but you never stay at their place.

 

My bf and I have been together for 1 year.We are in our mid to late twenties, both have steady careers and make good money for our age. He lives at his mom’s house in order to save for a home and the fact that he will be starting grad schools soon and I have my own 1 bedroom apartment.

 

Ever since I got my apartment last year he had been staying at my place a few times a week, and then it turned to some weeks at a time. The last few months, he has only been staying at my place 2-3 nights a week. Let me add in, I never stay at his house because his mom lives there so that would be strange.

 

My question is, should I be asking him to help pay rent or some of the bills?

I’m starting to feel like it’s unbalanced that he stays at my place and uses my toiletries, and has also not offered to help. If it were me, I would have offered to help months ago.

I must also add in that when we got out to eat we tend to split the expenses as in he pays one time then I pay the next time.

 

Thank you for your input in advance.

 

Not rent. But if you buy things for him he should offer to reimburse or buy them himself. If you two go grocery shopping for the two of you, he should offer to pay or chip in. You choose not to live with your parents and that's your choice. He need not subsidize your choice by paying rent. I've never been in that situation because when I lived with my parents and was dating someone who had his own apartment I was a student and he worked full time (and it was "traditional" dating in the 1980s -it never would have occurred to either of us for me to help with rent -I'd have had to do so out of my small savings if I did). When my husband lived with me at my place (high rent district) after we married he actually still was paying rent on his apartment in another city (long story) and I'd never have dreamed of asking him to pay for anything. He did treat for dinner and meals and dates regularly (traditional type). I spent a lot of time at his apartments when we were dating and he'd have laughed at me if I offered to pay rent. However, I did my very best to pay/chip in for groceries, toiletries, etc.

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Honestly, I think it's a bit off to ask him to be chipping in. It's your place, money you'd be spending if he evaporated in a cloud of smoke tomorrow. You get to the splitting stuff if/when you move in, not before. My ex-gf stayed mainly at my place, for years. Never would I have considered charging her for toothpaste or showering, let alone a percentage of my mortgage.

 

That said, your bf sounds a bit off as well, in that he's kind of unaware of money. In his shoes, I'd be taking you out at least 70 percent of the time, partly because that's just how I roll in romance, and partly because I'd want you to know I'm aware of the dynamic—just a subtle little "thanks—I see and appreciate you." I'd also be grabbing groceries, asking if you need anything while I'm out, and so on.

 

At the risk of generalization, this seems to be a thing with millennials. By which I mean: everything is dutch, tallied, perhaps connected to some misguided lust for independence. A meal for a meal, a drink for a drink, a tube of toothpaste for a tube of toothpaste. It's kind of limited, not super conducive to romantic vibes.

 

Guess the thing to do is have a nice, gentle chat. Make it about the groceries, about the gas, and see if he becomes a little more aware and, in the process, a little more active? That said, even the gentlest chat on these grounds starts veering really close to teaching and scolding, so tread lightly. He just might not have the kind of awareness that you do on such matters, or the same values, and you'll have to appreciate what he does offer—or, well, start wondering if it's enough.

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^^ this.

If you'd be paying the same with or without him, then I would let it go.

 

Yes exactly and I think it's petty to ask. If he moves in with you permanently then yes. Also it's more convenient for you if he stays at your place and it sounds like you can't stay at his (I had boyfriends where the parents had me stay over and sometimes in the same room, depending).

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It's either worth it to you for him to stay over or it's not. Sorry, but I'd never so much as ask for groceries, though it's on the more sensible end of requests you could make. You're being spared the commute to his and you get to enjoy the comfort and familiarity of your own home. That's the exchange. Again, up to you if it's worth it. If you're feeling smothered to the extent you feel you should be compensated, then scale back the sleepovers.

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I’m starting to feel like it’s unbalanced that he stays at my place and uses my toiletries, and has also not offered to help.
Next time he texts you that he's on his way there from his mother's house or work or whatever, text him back "cool, can you please stop and pick up ______ (name what you need here)" and let him pay for it.

 

You may be covering the rent whether he is there or not but if you're buying all the incidentals then you're going to go through things twice as fast if he's using everything too.

 

In my eyes, he's taking advantage of your good nature... he likely doesn't even realize most likely because his mother fronts him all that stuff and he's used to it being there when he needs it.

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I'm having a hard time relating, as I've not been in a situation where I'm in my own place and bf still lives at home. I have lived on my own since 18, and dated those out of the folks house nearly exclusively.

 

Is this your first year in your own apartment? I tend to lean the way of jman... either having him there is worth it to you or no. If no ( and it wouldn't be for me, he's grown, if he wants privacy to do what he wants with his gf he can make that happen, it's not your sole job).... Cut way back on him staying over. It's not a squat, right. ;)

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You're being spared the commute to his and you get to enjoy the comfort and familiarity of your own home. That's the exchange.

 

Yeah, this. Well put.

 

I get that, in this situation, it feels especially weighted since he's living for free at his parents. Well, that's youth, the station he's at right now, the dude you're dating.

 

Another dude you date? He may live in a pigsty with three bros, you'll prefer hanging at yours than his, even if he's more than happy to go 50/50 on the sleepovers. And you'd be in a similar situation.

 

I've lived alone since I was 18, so most women I dated up to around 30 spent most of their time at mine. They had roommates, I didn't—it was just better. I also liked not having to get on the subway or hail a cab to homes and hoods I liked less than mine, so it worked just fine.

 

Maybe just scaling back the sleepovers, rather than having a discussion, is the best way to go here.

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My daughter spent most weekends at her boyfriends home the year prior to them getting married. (she lived with us, he and his brother bought a house together years earlier) She would never think of not contributing shampoo and even laundry detergent and she often bought over the wine or a couple of steaks or something.

 

For your boyfriend to not even offer? Seems rather odd.

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If he's spending a lot of time at your place and eating up all your groceries, and makes "a lot more than you do", I think he should be paying for most of the dates to offset that. Maybe offering to pay for gas if you stop at a gas station. That said, gas is cheap.

 

I don't think he should be paying rent or water bills though - that smells of prostitution.

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Thank you everyone for your input so far.

The water bill is included in my rent, but not the gas bill so hot water is a charge.

If I already have food at my house, we will eat that, but if we go grocery shopping he will pay for the groceries if he is planning on making a recipe so The groceries are enough groceries to make one meal.

 

As for dates, it’s split. If he pays for our dinner date one night, then I’ll pay for our lunch date the next time and so on.

I must also add I tend to drive us around more than he does as well. I’ve tried to put a stop to that but I live in a busy area and he doesn’t want to lose his parking spot.

He makes a lot more money than I do, but It’s weird because it’s is not about the money really. I’m just starting to get annoyed that he’s never bothered or considered to chip in.

 

It seems to me like your real problem is your dislike of a perceived character flaw that you're likely relating to how much he cares about you (i.e. he should be chipping in without me having to ask). If you're starting to feel resentment over general give and take in the relationship, a direct conversation is warranted. However, go into the conversation prepared to ask for exactly what you want, so he is aware of your expectations. It took two people to create your current dynamic and it's unfair to have the attitude that he should be able to read your mind regarding your recent change in attitude about how expenses are shared (or not shared).

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JMO but I think keeping score of who pays for what is an attraction/relationship killer.

 

But if you feel you're being taken advantage of financially, then address that.

 

But to ask him to pay part of the rent because he stays over a few nights a week? Well, a bit much imo.

 

My bf stays over quite a bit, he helps me with a lot of stuff around my apartment (broken garbage disposal, clogged drain, stuff like that) brings over food nearly every time he comes.

 

I also stay at his a good majority of the time.

 

I just cannot imagine having that conversation, it would never even occur to me, but if it's something that bothers you, then address it, calmly and rationally.

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My bf stays over at my place on average 3 nights a week and I have never considered asking him to pay for the privilege of staying over. He lived with a roommate previously, now has his own place, but I still have my kitties to take care of so most of the time will be at my place which I am good with.

 

He pays for more than his fair share of dates and groceries and usually drives us around in his car... and when he stays over he brings his own toiletries and clean laundry with him, helps with chores, etc.

 

It seems like your relationship is pretty reciprocal OP... is it because he isn't paying rent and you think he has more disposable income than you that you want him to contribute?

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He pays for more than his fair share of dates and groceries and usually drives us around in his car... and when he stays over he brings his own toiletries and clean laundry with him, helps with chores, etc.

So it should be but Op's boyfriend contributes nothing and then lets her pay for every other date as well. Which of course makes it... not "reciprocal."

 

I do agree that him to chipping in on rent or utilities isn't something he should be expected to do.

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I agree with the general sentiment. he is a guest in your home and should not be charged a dime. Yes, he should bring food over sometimes, etc. If he was living in an apartment - he wouldn't be charging you rent, either. I do think you should back up and make sure you aren't falling into "playing house" where he stays weeks on end. Make sure you have dates where he is over because you had a date/did something together or for convenience (you are getting up at the crack of dawn to go somewhere together) and is not faux living there.

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