Boyfriend does not love me

I'm a 34 year old female. My boyfriend is 38. We've been together 10 months and he is not in love with me. I do love him and I have told him I do. He said he cares about me a lot, but is not in love. He has had a rough year. His mother passed away 4 months into our relationship and he's had to deal with a lot of the stress of handling family matters since then. I feel like because of the out of ordinary circumstances, I should give him more time, but I also don't want to be blind to the possibility that he may not develop those feelings. I'm confused about how long I should wait. I don't want to end the relationship but I also don't want to keep something going that may not go anywhere. He did say he never told his last girlfriend he loved her and that he never did. They we're together for a little more than a year and this was before he had any major stressful events occur. I'm just not sure what to do. I don't want to be selfish but I also want to look out for my own well being.

Let me add that he has said he does not love me. It's not that he just hasn't said the words yet.

Many guys don't say "I love you", it's more of a girls' thing. Whatsamatter, you no like Squint Eastwood?!

If you listen to your gut/intuition, you can usually tell by a man's actions if he loves you. How does he treat you?

Woman says, "I love you" Translation: "Now you say it!"

After 10 months of being together, if he still doesn't feel he loves you, I'd say it's time to cut him loose.

His 'rough year' has nothing to do with it. If you love someone, you share the rough times; you don't isolate yourself. I think you're wasting your dating years with him. He's told you that he's not in love with you. You should take him at his word.

I'm thinking this might be what I have to do. He's said he wants to continue to be together, but I'm not sure how long I'm supposed to wait for him when he could possibly never feel the same.

I wouldn't waste my time. He wants to continue to be together for what reason? He likes the sex? You do his laundry? That's not what relationships are all about.

Many guys don't say "I love you", it's more of a girls' thing. Whatsamatter, you no like Squint Eastwood?!

 

If you listen to your gut/intuition, you can usually tell by a man's actions if he loves you. How does he treat you?

 

Woman says, "I love you" Translation: "Now you say it!"

To a point I agree with this... it's about his actions and how he treats you... In all of my relationships the men have said "I love you"... some less frequently, some more, but at the end of the day most do know how to communicate feelings and will express it when they really mean it.

What Gary may not have caught was that he has explicitly said he doesn't love you.... this isn't just a case of him being afraid or unwilling to say it, it's a case of him really meaning it. As hard as that might be to accept I think you need to face it and think about moving on if you want more.

What Gary may not have caught was that he has explicitly said he doesn't love you.... this isn't just a case of him being afraid or unwilling to say it, it's a case of him really meaning it. As hard as that might be to accept I think you need to face it and think about moving on if you want more.

This.

It's not just about someone who is uncomfortable saying the words but fine showing you he loves you. He has told you he does not feel that way about you.

If this was an issue in his last relationship too, then I don't think it's related to the stressful personal events he'd suffered this year. I think he either dates women he's not that compatible with and winds up sticking around after the relationship reaches its expiration date, or he enters relationships for the wrong reasons and gets too comfortable to just end it.

To a point I agree with this... it's about his actions and how he treats you... In all of my relationships the men have said "I love you"... some less frequently, some more, but at the end of the day most do know how to communicate feelings and will express it when they really mean it.

 

What Gary may not have caught was that he has explicitly said he doesn't love you.... this isn't just a case of him being afraid or unwilling to say it, it's a case of him really meaning it. As hard as that might be to accept I think you need to face it and think about moving on if you want more.

- very good argument. But maybe he could be in love and does not know it? I run across a lot of people who know little about love - even therapists (even though I recommend them, they don't know everything.)

But If he did really say outloud, "I don't love you......there is another problem with that......it's just really unromantic to say such a thing. Huge turnoff.

I'll admit it looks pretty bad.

In closing, I'll just say that 10 months is plenty of time to fall in love, it it's going to ever happen for a couple. And you need somebody who loves you and who is romantic for a good relationship.

Even though I commend the dude for being honest with his feelings, his words "doesn't love you" are not terms of endearment.

Are you ok with being friends. I would give it two more months. (1 year into the relationship and more time to deal with family stuff) If those words "I love you" don't come out, don't let your heart be broken for many years after waiting for him to utter those three important words. He might never say them.

Sorry you are in this predicament

Many guys don't say "I love you", it's more of a girls' thing. Whatsamatter, you no like Squint Eastwood?!

 

If you listen to your gut/intuition, you can usually tell by a man's actions if he loves you. How does he treat you?

 

Woman says, "I love you" Translation: "Now you say it!"

That is not what I have experienced. Men have always told me first.

If he does not love you at this point, he never will. Stop excusing him, and move on. You are wasting your time.

I read somewhere that men know within TEN minutes if she's "the one." I just looked it up again and confirmed.

I don't know how they know, but they know.

My ex definitely knew with minutes, we were together six years. He wasn't even looking for a girlfriend or RL when we met, he had just gotten out of one!

My current bf said he knew within minutes of meeting me (in person, we met on line) I was the one (he didn't use those exact words).

Granted, it's not true for all guys, I would never say that.

But generally speaking, guys really don't need a ton of time to "figure it out" and if they do, then he may be attracted to you and care about you, enjoy spending time with you, even go exclusive with you, but you're not the "the one" for him.

OP, I am so sorry but I would stop waiting around for him to "fall in love." Not gonna happen from what I've read and know about men.

10 minutes? Completely ridiculous advice.

10 minutes? Completely ridiculous advice.

I was quoting the men Nickel, don't shoot the messenger. lol

I found a poll on line (a couple actually) of about 30 men and a good majority said they knew within ten minutes or a very short period of time.

True for my ex and my current.

And as I said, not true for all men obviously, you being one of them.

10 minutes? Completely ridiculous advice.

Nickel, try to be respectful, please.

We all have different opinions and insights on these forums, you may not agree with them all but no reason to attack.

I read somewhere that men know within TEN minutes if she's "the one." I just looked it up again and confirmed.

 

I don't know how they know, but they know.

 

My ex definitely knew with minutes, we were together six years. He wasn't even looking for a girlfriend or RL when we met, he had just gotten out of one!

 

My current bf said he knew within minutes of meeting me (in person, we met on line) I was the one (he didn't use those exact words).

 

Granted, it's not true for all guys, I would never say that.

 

But generally speaking, guys really don't need a ton of time to "figure it out" and if they do, then he may be attracted to you and care about you, enjoy spending time with you, even go exclusive with you, but you're not the "the one" for him.

 

OP, I am so sorry but I would stop waiting around for him to "fall in love." Not gonna happen from what I've read and know about men.

Didn’t you just give amk advice that there’s no way after two weeks he’s that into her?

I don’t buy the ten minutes thing at all

Maybe in ten minutes they know if they feel an attraction!

I actually agree with you MLD, again I was quoting the men in the polls I read. And both my ex and my current fell hard quickly, as did I for them.

But, even IF a man thought she was "the one" within minutes, that doesn't mean he can't change his mind as he gets to know her, as is what happens with amk's boyfriends, imo.

I guess my point was, if OP's bf doesn't think he loves her after ten months, then it's doubtful he ever will.

But generally speaking, I agree with you, I don't think it's "love" after ten minutes either, some men just believe it is at the time.

Didn’t you just give amk advice that there’s no way after two weeks he’s that into her?

 

And to clarify, I did not say he's not "into" her after two weeks.

I said he may believe he loves her after two weeks, but it's too soon to know that for certain.

I also said a man might be attracted, and care about her, even go exclusive, but still not think she's the one.

Being "into" someone and believing you "love" that person are two entirely different things IMO.

Hope that clarifies.

Ok, yes, that makes a lot of sense. Thank you for clarifying :)

I'm a 34 year old female. My boyfriend is 38. We've been together 10 months and he is not in love with me. I do love him and I have told him I do. He said he cares about me a lot, but is not in love. He has had a rough year. His mother passed away 4 months into our relationship and he's had to deal with a lot of the stress of handling family matters since then. I feel like because of the out of ordinary circumstances, I should give him more time, but I also don't want to be blind to the possibility that he may not develop those feelings. I'm confused about how long I should wait. I don't want to end the relationship but I also don't want to keep something going that may not go anywhere. He did say he never told his last girlfriend he loved her and that he never did. They we're together for a little more than a year and this was before he had any major stressful events occur. I'm just not sure what to do. I don't want to be selfish but I also want to look out for my own well being.

 

Let me add that he has said he does not love me. It's not that he just hasn't said the words yet.

That's incredibly sad

Its one thing if he has not said "i love you" yet. Some men don't say it until they have made a decision of commitment.

Its another if he says "i am not in love with you" - at 10 months, they don't have to feel "i want to marry her" - but not being in love with someone -not having romantic feelings is incredibly sad

Sorry to say, I would NEXT him and find someone who has the potential to fall in love with you and have romantic feelings.

life is too short to be a "buddy"

That is not what I have experienced. Men have always told me first.

- Maybe I should say "some guys".

He told you exactly where you stand in his life. To second guess him, or try to will the truth away will only do you harm. You have an important difficult decision to make.

The question of how long it takes to fall in love is unknowable. There's polls, research, personal experience etc. But I doubt the human race will codify and agree on a correct range of time. Just one of those things.

Personally, if a man thinks the woman is the one after just ten minutes, he's just horny.