Got back together with cheating ex.

Hey, just wanted to thank you for clicking on this. I've been tossing and turning on whether or not I should even post this.

But I've decided that I need to tell my story somewhere. So if you're in for a long haul, here we go.

I was in a relationship with this girl before for about 1,5 years. Things where good but looking back both of us still had some personal growing to do.

At one point I had to leave town for a family emergency. This was not intended to be a long stay, but ended up being two weeks to sadly make funeral arrangements.

She didn't like me being away for so long, but was obviously understanding. This didn't mean it wasn't bad for the relationship though. So when I finally got back I was set on doing better. She was set on breaking up with me.

Turns out that during my time away she had hooked up with a random guy she met at a bar. She told me this after breaking up with me.

I was heartbroken. I loved this girl so much and I couldn't believe she'd do this to me while I was away for such serious reasons.

So we break up. And 6 months pass.

During this time I install dating apps but it never really goes anywhere. Truth be told, even though we weren't talking, I was still too hung up on her. It had always been obvious that I was more into her that she is into me. She tells me that's not true, but keep reading. Months pass and we run in to each other again. We start messaging, meeting and hooking up. Since I'm always the one that catches feelings and I don't wanna get hurt again, I ask her if there are any other guys in the picture. She tells me there are not, but it's obvious that her phone is blowing up. For some reason I believe her and weeks go by. We start going from casual to more serious. During this time I confront her about the messages she keeps receiving. Turns out that it's all from guys that are into her and she's playing along with them. I ask her to stop keeping the door open for these guys if she really is serious about getting back together with me. She does and so the phone stops blowing up.

We're two months into dating. Things are so serious that we're basically in a relationship again. But not yet officially. So before I ask her, we talk about what we've been up to in our time apart. I mostly just wanted to know what I was getting into, before making the discussion to get officially back together. And I just want to mention now that I very much understand that I have no say in what happened when we where apart, that is not what this story is about.

2 months in and things get more serious i ask her to drop the other guys, she does.

last couple of weeks im beginning to notice things so i break and ask.

turns out she had sex with 3 random guys and was still dating 1 of the other guys

i know we where not together but this was still a move

she tells me shes gonna change, i believe her and we try again. leaving the past to be the past.

6 months in. things are the best they have ever been. we're bother better for each other now then before. there is talk of moving in together.

at the 6 month point we kinda start talking about how we feel like the relationship is going

and ofcourse some things come up. but during this time i start noticing some inconsistencies.

i ask her about it. and she confesses that she didnt tell me the whole truth. it wasnt 3 guys it was 4, with the 4th being a weekly hookup she kept seeing as she was seeing me.

and it wasnt 1 guy she was dating, it was 2. with the other one being the coworker i was always suspicious of but they where just friends. (p.s: i already felt like something happened between them so i asked her, before we got official she told me he drunkily kissed her and she pulled back. now it turns out they where dating and she even introduced him to her parents).

so now i dont know what to do. ofcourse her actions suck, no one wants to think about their gf being intimate with some other guy .. let alone 4. but what hurts most is the lies. atleast with the things she did while we where dating i could say to myself to leave the past the past, move on and enjoy how great things are now. but now it turns out that ive been lied to from the beginning... kinda puts an asterics on the whole great thing.

by now im 6 months invested again.

tl;dr

got back together with my ex that cheating on me.

before we got back together I wanted to know what I was getting into, as far as what she'd been doing sexually.

turns out that she was dating and hooking up with guys as we where getting more serious. even though I asked her not too.

me being too much into her still made it official. decided to leave the past the past.

things where great, better then ever. there is talk of moving in together.

6 months in I found out she didn't tell me the whole truth. up to the point where amounts, frequency and whole events where different.

now I'm heavily invested and don't know what to do.

Why walk on hot coals again unless you are a thrill seeker?

About that. Run away. I don't know how you'd ever be able to trust her. She lied to your face many times, dating or not. She also put you at risk for STD's etc.

So she's young and beautiful and has so many guys coming at her, she does not need to care about losing anyone.

Some young girls aren't ready to fall in love yet.

Why walk on hot coals again unless you are a thrill seeker?

THIS! This all day

She dumps you when you are planning a funeral, cheats on you, jumps into bed with several other men and can't keep her story straight?

And you want to move past this?

Uhhmm. No!

This IS who she is and there is no trust in this relationship.

I know you are six months in and smitten. Don't be 2 years in, heartbroken and with an STD.

Go now before you get any more attached and you invest any more time.

She dumps you when you are planning a funeral, cheats on you, jumps into bed with several other men and can't keep her story straight?

And you want to move past this?

Uhhmm. No!

 

This IS who she is and there is no trust in this relationship.

 

I know you are six months in and smitten. Don't be 2 years in, heartbroken and with an STD.

 

Go now before you get any more attached and you invest any more time.

Or with a child....

I wonder if she feels there is something missing from her relationship with you. Are you intimate often? Do you make her feel beautiful? What is the plan if her or your needs aren't being met?

The real problem this poses is not only getting over what has already happened, but trusting her going forward. I am in a similar boat, I just moved back in with my boyfriend who I broke up with last year for relentless cheating. I look like an idiot! And you will too. Love is love.... people are complicated... but to what extent will she go to cheat? Was it out of convenience or was it a driving desire? Sexual or emotional?

If you were to go on a trip for one week, for work, or to visit your family, would you trust her to be alone? These are all questions to consider, some maybe even to ask her, especially what she's not getting from you that she was/is getting elsewhere. If she swears that nothing is missing, that it was a mistake, and that it won't happen again, then you have to take her word for it and begin to build your trust back up. This WILL NOT WORK if you don't think you will ever be able to trust her again. The alternative is subtly punishing her for the rest of your relationship and walking on egg shells when it comes to intimacy with your partner.

I would not recommend moving in with her until you solidly trust her. And this means asking yourself the tough questions: Would you trust her alone for a week? If her phone was unlocked in the room with you for an hour, would you look? Do you often find yourself defending your relationship, even to yourself? Best of luck to you.

now I'm heavily invested and don't know what to do.

It's not difficult to see why you would fall for a girl like that. It's exciting and seems too good to be true. And you deceive yourself it's a real monogamous relationship.

Except it is too good to be true. She has a deep-seated insecurity about men. No normal person has casual sex with "random guys" while also attempting to maintain a relationship with two (plus, allegedly, you)

You cannot change her. A professional might - and only when SHE chooses to.

Do yourself a favour and find someone who genuinely loves you / has some respect for you

I just don’t know what to say. 😦😦😦😦