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Thread: Secret Facebook messages

  1. #1

    Secret Facebook messages

    I know his might seem weird, but Iíve always looked at my husbands phone and at his messages. I never done this because I donít trust him and feel I need to check up. But just because Iím nosey and he never tells me anything- I often keep up to date with friends of ours news etc this way and itís something my husband and I feel confident with and often laugh about. Until a few days a go I opened his Facebook messages to fine a secret message he was writing to his work manage who I know he already has close relationship with. I had never seen this secret message thing before and there were no messages I could just see what he had typed and not sent yet which read Ďcan you see this?í I straight away asked him what it was and he denied all knowledge and said the written bit must be an automated message and he had never seen the secret message thing before. I question him but in the end left it as I did believe him. Around an hour after he told me that they had sent messages like this before but it was completely innocent and nothing more than a friend leaning on him for support. He said the message were about arguments with her husband and that sheís know I read his messages so sent them like that because she didnít want me know. Iím grateful he told me but I canít help but feel so upset that he lied to me in the first place. Iím so hurt by this and my mind is in overdrive wondering if thereís more lies. What do I do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Marriage therapy. You both need to rebuilt trust and honest communication

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    I know his might seem weird, but Iíve always looked at my husbands phone and at his messages. I never done this because I donít trust him and feel I need to check up. But just because Iím nosey and he never tells me anything
    First you need to own up to the fact that you don't trust him, and that you feel insecure about the fact that he doesn't tell you everything. If you trusted him completely you would have no desire to read his FB messages to "keep up to date with friends of ours news etc" vs policing his messages looking for reasons not to trust him.

    In my 15 years of being married, I never once looked at his email, texts, or FB messenger unless he showed me a thread from someone. I appreciate privacy and independence, and I appreciate being seen as trustworthy (because I am) so I tend to grant that to the people in my life. I doubt he told me every single thing that was going on in his life or the lives of his friends but so what? At the end of the day I don't need to know all that... we either trust each other or we don't and that's based on our actions and who we are in real life.

    My question for you is, why do you police his messages and need to know every little detail about his life and the lives of his friends?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Edmund Exley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    On the QT and very Hush Hush!
    "Secret Messages" is just one more bad use of terminology Facebook uses. What they really are is "encrypted messages" which means they are transmitted via the Internet in a secure manner so that a hacker could not read them.

    There's nothing hidden or "secret" about them. Its a bad use of the wrong term.

    Facebook is the devil.

    Stop snooping through your husbands stuff.


  6. #5
    They disappear after a certain amount of time set by the sender. Seems pretty secret to me

  7. #6
    First of all privacy is the most important thing that you should give to your partner. And trust is even more important than privacy. Because privacy is protected by trust. And in your case, you don't actually trust your husband which is affecting the privacy of your husband. Now here I am not saying that you should never check your husband's phone. But at least you should take permission from your husband before checking his phone.
    In this way, he will feel his privacy got respected by his wife. But as a true wife, you should really trust him as you will always stay true from your side. And even if he is cheating on you, you will get to know about it one day. But till that day, please trust your husband and maintain the relationship as healthy as you can. Don't try to explore everything that is going on in his life as it is not that much important unless he is cheating on you. Just enjoy the relationship and stay happy until everything is going fine in your relationship.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Frankly, if I were your husband's friend, I'd make a conscious effort to disable message history, too. If I confide in a friend, I'm confiding in the friend, not their wife, husband, or SO. Add to it that if you're so unashamedly nosy, I'd assume you a gossip just as well, whether or not you actually are.

    Stop going through your husband's messages and email. It's not cute. Your husband laughing about it is him vocalizing his submission, not him thinking it's the adorable quirk you think it is. No guy wakes up in the morning and says with a hearty chuckle, "That's my wife. She goes through my ****. It's what she does!" If you've got a question, be a grown woman and ask. Even better, if you're legit only doing it to keep up with your friends, maybe... I don't know... talk to your friends.
    Last edited by j.man; 04-15-2019 at 12:54 PM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Scoe141's Avatar
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    Feb 2008
    It sounds like this runs deeper than the Facebook messages. I'd take Wiseman's advice and seek couples therapy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    You might be wondering why so many people are telling you to stop snooping.

    "But I just want to be updated..." you might say.

    "But if it weren't for that, I never would have found out about the secret message..." you might also say.

    Snooping is like cheating in a sport. You may have an instant victory, but there are things you miss along the way, important things. In sports, you'd miss training and attaining the skill required to win. In marriage, you miss the communication that's required of any stable marriage. So oftentimes when we snoop, we see everything out of context.

    However, I appreciate that at least you admit that you're nosy. And I also appreciate that he told you what it was.

    And just because it disappears after it's read doesn't necessarily mean it's evil. Stop looking for reasons to be upset.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    He lies and you spy on him. Get marriage/personal counselling.

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