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Thread: Break ups

  1. #1

    Break ups

    Good morning I have a girlfriend who always break up with me is we disagree about anything, we have been dating for almost 10 years, I don't know how many times we broke up and the said part, I am the only one who always fix things, she only point fingers

  2. #2
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    Why not get couples counseling. This is not healthy, or normal.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, what you just did here? You pointed a finger at her.

    So while she may be the active finger pointer inside your volatile dynamic, you're pointing back, passively. She knows that.

    All that pointing? It's basically swordplay. It's fighting and sparring, and it sounds like you two mistook fighting and sparring for connecting a long, long time ago.

    Point being, without knowing any more details, you have to accept that this is dynamic that you've both fostered and created. Some part of both of you likes it, wants it, or is at least hardwired to tolerate it. Otherwise one of the other of you would change, or just leave, for real.

    So the question becomes: What do you want?

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    10 years is a long time to be dating. Ask yourself why the relationship has not moved forward?

    People who break up when conflict arises, do this because they do not know how to confront negativity in the relationship or resolve conflict. These are fundamental skills for functional relationships. They can be taught to those who don't have them IF they are motivated to learn. But why would she do that when she knows a ten year old pattern of you coming back and fixing things when they go wrong? I don't see why she would be motivated to do better.

    Why do you stay in a relationship for ten years if this behaviour is bothersome to you? You cannot change other people, you only have control over your own actions.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    May I please ask what you disagree about? We may be able to help with those issues or give you some feedback on how to communicate between the both of you.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I've said it before and I'll say it again: When you are on and off with someone it is natures way of telling you that you are with the wrong person.

    I'd like to ask why you keep going back to someone that keeps discarding you instead of staying gone, healing and finding someone who you can get along with better?

  8. #7
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    She breaks up with you over disagreements (wrong on her part) but YOU have accepted her behaviour time and time again
    and each time you let her back in , you are essentially telling her that no matter what , you will take her back and that you are ok with her behaviour.

    The first time it happened, fine. Benefit of doubt. But you should me have communicated to her that you will not accept breaking up in order to avoid conflict resolution in the future.
    The second time was when you should have turned your back on her for good.

    You are both to blame for this repeated mess and a relationship that is going nowhere.
    At this point all you can do is tell her that you two are incompatible and go seperate ways.

  9. 04-19-2019, 07:23 AM

  10. #8
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I've said it before and I'll say it again: When you are on and off with someone it is natures way of telling you that you are with the wrong person.

    I'd like to ask why you keep going back to someone that keeps discarding you instead of staying gone, healing and finding someone who you can get along with better?
    Yes, I also would like to know why. Don't you have any self respect? There is something wrong on both ends of this relationship. She continues to carry on with her ridiculous behaviour and you always condone it. Really? I know she's not a teenager. Why would you put up with something like this, OP??? I would definitely seek couples counselling. That may shed some light on this troubled relationship. If she refuses to go, well, you know what to do, unless you want to live for the rest of your life in misery.

  11. #9
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    I am going to suggest topics for you to research on google:

    Insecure attachment
    Anxious attachment
    Fear of abandonment
    Codependent relationships

    You may find some pathways in that research that help you understand why you choose this sort of attachment. I suspect if you were calm and secure, on or both of you would act out in some way to sabotage it.

    To me, you sound perfectly matched. If you want a different relationship, you have some deep therapeutic work to do.


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