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Thread: Just started taking, need help on how to CHILL out?

  1. #11
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lpritchette
    So I’ve always had issues with jumping WAY too fast into things.
    The guys that I usually attract are not “quality” people, so when I meet someone good my mind gets a little too far ahead of me.

    He has said there’s been a few girls he’ll talk to for a few months but that it didn’t work out which of course made me freak out internally even more.
    .
    All of this comes across as desperation. Desperation for a man, any man. A boyfriend. You need to figure out why so desperate. I can only reiterate my previous post: ... "Have you ever considered therapy as to get to the root of your issues with "jumping into things way too fast", to help you figure out where all this is coming from? I think you'll benefit from it and at the same time "learn how to chill and not go mentally crazy".

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Lpritchette

    How do I stop this cycle of freaking out and overthinking when I find a potential relationship that I want to pursue?
    First off, as others said, you have not met this man yet so right now you're in fantasy mode. How could you not be, you've not met him in person yet. And a fantasy can be very powerful, I know this from experience.

    But try to keep it in perspective -- you have not met in person yet and have yet to feel that "energy" (or lack thereof).

    Secondly, if, after you do meet, you wish to pursue a relationship with him (and him you), how I stop or control the anxiety and overthinking is knowing that no matter what happens I will be OKAY, and stronger for having experienced it!

    This allows me (and him) to enjoy the relationship without the pressure of asking or even just wondering "where is it going," "what does it mean" etc etc. All that crazy over-thinking!

    My advice would be to work on increasing your self-esteem. Once you do that, then it's easy to adopt the mindset that I have -- no matter what happens, whether it works out or not, I KNOW I will be OKAY.

    Hurt? Yes most definitely! But I am strong and resilient and know it will eventually pass and I will be okay.

    Ways to increase self-esteem. Do some volunteer work. Volunteering gets you out of "yourself" (self-centered) and more into helping "others" (other centered).

    And knowing you're making a difference really builds you up too, increases self-esteem.

    Take a class in something that interests you. This will switch your main focus from your relationship, to what you're learning. And you will have an opportunity to meet people too, make new friends.

    Are there meet-up groups in your area? Not specifically to "date" someone, but to meet new people who share common interests. Great way to make new friends that way too.

    There is more, but that's a good start.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I think it would be a lot more helpful if you dated/pursued dating with men who were local and who you could meet ASAP in person if you didn't first meet them in person. You have no idea if this man is a man, is married, if he's actually in the army, etc. You're not alone just because you're single. How do you go about meeting people in real life -friends or dates?
    Well... I just want to intercept here there are many successful relationships with people who've met online. Not sure how old you are but as a 24 year old woman, this is normal amongst my friends and I. It's 2019 and dating has evolved. I've seen successful online relationships and nightmare online relationships.

    OP, if you're reading this...I think you should still pursue this guy (with obvious safety precautions, you can google online dating safety tips and find thousands of pages of advice on staying safe)

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Lpritchette
    So I’ve always had issues with jumping WAY too fast into things. I’ve recently for the past year been trying to be okay with living alone and being single (I’m usually in relationships).
    The guys that I usually attract are not “quality” people, so when I meet someone good my mind gets a little too far ahead of me.

    I recently met a guy on fb, he is in the army and lives quite a ways away with a different time zone but he’s from my area originally. We talk everyday and flirt here and there and will FaceTime now and again. It’s honestly only been about 3 weeks but I’m getting a little bit too crazy when it comes to waiting for him to reply and reading too deep and analyzing everything he’s saying. He’ll say things that reassure me that like he likes me by the things he says like “when we meet” or “when I meet you we need to ___” things like that.
    I’m just making myself crazy because I am very alone and trying to adjust to living as a single person in a healthy way but after months of going on awful dates and talking to guys that I have no interest in and having been recently freed from an abisive relationship I’m almost scared I’m going to “mess up” this good thing like it usually happens to me.
    I need to chill but don’t know how to mentally not go crazy!
    I always tell myself "If not him, then that means it'll be someone else" you should enjoy meeting people and chatting. I was raised to "date to marry" so I definitely had my issues with this same thought process.

    When I tell myself "if not him, then someone else" I'm basically telling myself that I'll find someone eventually even if this fails. It helps me remove myself, stick to my standards and expectations and desensitize myself a bit/separate myself from the huge cloud of lust/wonder/joy that happens when you meet someone new.

    As for not dating quality guys I think that's a self esteem issue. You will find someone. You have nothing to worry about. If not him, someone else.

    Instead of attaching yourself to them, see where they fit in YOUR life. If they make sense in your world. That's how you weed out the bad ones. Whenever I forget to do this I get douchebags that aren't housetrained

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  6. #15
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    "I always tell myself "If not him, then that means it'll be someone else" you should enjoy meeting people and chatting. I was raised to "date to marry" so I definitely had my issues with this same thought process. "

    I chose after a certain point to date only to marry. And I also had the attitude most of the time (we all have our weak moments!!) "if not him, then that means it will be someone else" -both can coexist beautifully. I remember telling my mom about an awful date (in the 1990s) and she smiled and said "well at least we know it probably can't be worse next time!" (and yes she believed in dating to marry too).

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    At this point you may know he is a real person vs a catfish/scammer. However what you don't know is if he is married, living with someone, has a gf or just killing time online.

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