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Thread: Girlfriends mental health problems are bringing me down

  1. #11
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Saultyotter
    Anxiety,depression,post tramauyoc stress, low confidence, low.mood.
    I own the house. She is currently not paying any rent as she is unable to do so. Shes setting up her own business and I'm trying to support us both in the mean time. It means I have to work more which lives her at home alone which is also making her u happy. I'm also at university 1 day oer week studying for my masters. I feel like I'm trying my best to keep everything afloat. Its hard to have enough money to support two people, have money for myself and to make time for myself as well!
    Then why are you doing all of that which only enables her to use you like she is. She needs professional help which you are unable to give her and you doing all that while she gets no guidance to help her overcome is actually quite selfish. Be cruel to be kind and get yourself away from her. Call her parents or other family and let them handle her. It sounds cold to say all that and to do it but she will never get better as long as you are 'rescuing her' like you are.

    Get yourself into your own therapy so that you understand the concept of enabling and how dysfunctional it is and how it does nothing to motivate her to change. (if she is even capable of changing??? Is she in therapy for all of her isms?)

    DO NOT have a child with this woman... Neither of you are capable of that right now.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Saultyotter
    Anxiety,depression,post tramauyoc stress, low confidence, low.mood.
    I own the house. She is currently not paying any rent as she is unable to do so. Shes setting up her own business and I'm trying to support us both in the mean time. It means I have to work more which lives her at home alone which is also making her u happy. I'm also at university 1 day oer week studying for my masters. I feel like I'm trying my best to keep everything afloat. Its hard to have enough money to support two people, have money for myself and to make time for myself as well!
    Saulty, I may have asked you this in a previous post, but would you please explain to me where it was you learned that, as her boyfriend (versus her husband), you feel required to support her financially to the extent you're doing -- and barely having any money or time for yourself?

    Did you read it in a book or something? Or on the internet?

    I am actually serious, were you taught somewhere that your girlfriend will love you more if you "save" her or become her "White Knight" who will protect and provide for her at all costs, even if it means going broke yourself?

    I've seen a lot of "White Knights" in my day but never this extreme; I am wondering how you allowed all this to happen, and why?

    I realize you're a man who likes to help out, and perhaps even "save" but please know by doing so, you are doing yourself (and your gf) a great disservice.

    Number one you are enabling her; she will never develop the tools to take care of herself, support herself and survive in the world herself, as long as you continue doing so for her.

    Number two and perhaps more important, she will lose all respect for you. If she hasn't already.

    Oh she will pretend she hasn't, to get all the "goods" but she does not respect you. No woman would for a variety of reasons. The biggest one being it doesn't appear you respect yourself. If you did, none of this would be happening.

    Please think about these things and agree with TwT, please look into getting yourself some professional help to help you with your co-dependency issues and White night Syndrome, it's working against you with this woman, as it will work against you in the future with new women.

    I am sorry and good luck!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-15-2019 at 10:18 PM.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Saultyotter
    Anxiety,depression,post tramauyoc stress, low confidence, low.mood.
    I own the house. She is currently not paying any rent as she is unable to do so. Shes setting up her own business and I'm trying to support us both in the mean time. It means I have to work more which lives her at home alone which is also making her u happy. I'm also at university 1 day oer week studying for my masters. I feel like I'm trying my best to keep everything afloat. Its hard to have enough money to support two people, have money for myself and to make time for myself as well!
    How can she run a business if she is not in a good mental state? Do you honestly feel she has a viable venture (has previously succeeded in the industry) or is she "starting a business" simply to prevent herself from interacting with people. How does she get clients when she is anxious and depressed? working for yourself is even more isolating. Is she actually in therapy plus seeing a dietician, etc? is she self diagnosed?

    I think you know the answer deep down. She is not good for your mental health

  4. #14
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    She has attended multiple councillors for cbt etc

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  6. #15
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    I've read a lot about men who save women and I know I seem to fit into this category. It comes from a good place. I genuinely want to help and uplift her but I do feel I enable the negative behaviour.
    She has been to multiple counsellors. Nothing seems to work..

  7. #16
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    I've got to be honest, I never wanted a serious relationship when I was in my 20's. I was too busy enjoying myself. Hence why I've probably acted very naive this time..

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    Also her business does involve interacting with people however it is a slow burner with regards to making money. I'm trying to give a positive outlook to be understanding and supportive but feel like I just end up getting shouted at when things go wrong

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Saulty, I may have asked you this in a previous post, but would you please explain to me where it was you learned that, as her boyfriend (versus her husband), you feel required to support her financially to the extent you're doing -- and barely having any money or time for yourself?

    Did you read it in a book or something? Or on the internet?



    I am actually serious, were you taught somewhere that your girlfriend will love you more if you "save" her or become her "White Knight" who will protect and provide for her at all costs, even if it means going broke yourself?

    I've seen a lot of "White Knights" in my day but never this extreme; I am wondering how you allowed all this to happen, and why?

    I realize you're a man who likes to help out, and perhaps even "save" but please know by doing so, you are doing yourself (and your gf) a great disservice.

    Number one you are enabling her; she will never develop the tools to take care of herself, support herself and survive in the world herself, as long as you continue doing so for her.

    Number two and perhaps more important, she will lose all respect for you. If she hasn't already.

    Oh she will pretend she hasn't, to get all the "goods" but she does not respect you. No woman would for a variety of reasons. The biggest one being it doesn't appear you respect yourself. If you did, none of this would be happening.

    Please think about these things and agree with TwT, please look into getting yourself some professional help to help you with your co-dependency issues and White night Syndrome, it's working against you with this woman, as it will work against you in the future with new women.

    I am sorry and good luck!
    I know you're right. I havent learned this behaviour anywhere I've just tried to be a loving and supporting partner. I've really tried. Sure, I've made a few mistakes along the way but I guess its hats to walk away from someone who is really struggling and who doesnt have a massive super network. I worry what would happen if I wanst there. I know that deep down this isnt my problem as I have my own life to lead. Guess I just have to put my big boy pants on and stand up for myself. Thanks

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Saultyotter
    I've read a lot about men who save women and I know I seem to fit into this category. It comes from a good place. I genuinely want to help and uplift her but I do feel I enable the negative behaviour.
    She has been to multiple counsellors. Nothing seems to work..
    You should really consider your own therapy to help you to understand that it doesn't "come from a good place." Read up on codependency and get yourself your own therapist who is an expert in the field of codependency.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Saultyotter
    She has attended multiple councillors for cbt etc
    But has she counselor hopped? Gone to one for a couple weeks, ditched them and gone to another? Honestly, no matter what - you are suffering here. This is not healthy for you.

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