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Girlfriends mental health problems are bringing me down


Saultyotter

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I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years. She was very open with me from the beginning about her problems. I honestly admired her for her strength and thought that with the support in her relationship everything would be ok...

I love her, theres no one else I want to be with but it's been a rollercoaster of emotions over the past 3 years. At times it's been really really hard. Last year i bought a house a now shes all moved in. We have not been getting on very well over the past couple of months. She has more personal stuff going on and we have been clashing at home. I dont know how much more I can take. I feel like I'm walking under a dark cloud. I feel as though I've gone above and beyond in many cases to try and get her on a better track. I'm now coming to the realization that there is nothing I can do. The change has to come from her. I just dont know if she'll ever be better. She 31 and I'm 33. We both want a family one day. Shes pushing me for either a baby or a pet, I've told her that we are currently not on a stable place for either. I'm scared of walking away. I dont want to hurt her. I.do.still want to be with her. My own mood is low. I'm.having constant headaches and loss of appetite. Shes in counselling for the 5th or 6th time. Shes trying and is very aware that nothing seems to be working. I dont know what to do..

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If you don't mind me asking, what mental health issues is she dealing with?

I think it's wise of you to know right now is not the time to be making major commitments like getting a pet together or having a child.

As far as the living situation goes, am I correct that it is your house in your name? Is she living as a renter in your home, or what is the arrangement there?

Does she work and have her own income?

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I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years. She was very open with me from the beginning about her problems. I honestly admired her for her strength and thought that with the support in her relationship everything would be ok...

I love her, theres no one else I want to be with but it's been a rollercoaster of emotions over the past 3 years. At times it's been really really hard. Last year i bought a house a now shes all moved in. We have not been getting on very well over the past couple of months. She has more personal stuff going on and we have been clashing at home. I dont know how much more I can take. I feel like I'm walking under a dark cloud. I feel as though I've gone above and beyond in many cases to try and get her on a better track. I'm now coming to the realization that there is nothing I can do. The change has to come from her. I just dont know if she'll ever be better. She 31 and I'm 33. We both want a family one day. Shes pushing me for either a baby or a pet, I've told her that we are currently not on a stable place for either. I'm scared of walking away. I dont want to hurt her. I.do.still want to be with her. My own mood is low. I'm.having constant headaches and loss of appetite. Shes in counselling for the 5th or 6th time. Shes trying and is very aware that nothing seems to be working. I dont know what to do..

 

I think you need to get your own therapy and start looking after yourself. You have lost yourself in her and her problems... Let her deal with her issues with the help of her own professional. Evidently, You have deep codependency issues, a need to caretake and what appears to be White Knight Syndrome... Now not only is your own mental and emotional health in jeopardy, your physical health is even being affected because you are trying to control/fix and failing at it.

 

Make YOU your focus now and when you have things under control with the help of your therapy sessions, you will look at this with a whole new set of eyes.

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It's time for you to address your mental well being first and foremost. You need to cut her loose for your own peace of mind.

 

My story is not the exact same as yours but I had parallels to what you are currently experiencing. You need to avoid those with problems galore because they'll become your ball 'n chain if you decide to hang on for better or for worse. Other people's problems become your problems, angst and unnecessary stress. They become a real drag.

 

It won't be easy at first to let go but you'll thank yourself after you get it over and done with. Suddenly, you'll have freedom, become mentally healthy and stable.

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I think you need to get your own therapy and start looking after yourself. You have lost yourself in her and her problems... Let her deal with her issues with the help of her own professional. Evidently, You have deep codependency issues, a need to caretake and what appears to be White Knight Syndrome... Now not only is your own mental and emotional health in jeopardy, your physical health is even being affected because you are trying to control/fix and failing at it.

 

Make YOU your focus now and when you have things under control with the help of your therapy sessions, you will look at this with a whole new set of eyes.

 

Terrific advice!

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Anxiety,depression,post tramauyoc stress, low confidence, low.mood.

I own the house. She is currently not paying any rent as she is unable to do so. Shes setting up her own business and I'm trying to support us both in the mean time. It means I have to work more which lives her at home alone which is also making her u happy. I'm also at university 1 day oer week studying for my masters. I feel like I'm trying my best to keep everything afloat. Its hard to have enough money to support two people, have money for myself and to make time for myself as well!

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You can see this is not going to change, it has just gotten worse.

 

You are only three years in, and she is not fit to be a partner or a mother.

 

Yo need to address your problem with co dependency. You should not have to parent a partner. Have all of your relationships been like this? is this what you look for?

 

End this and find someone healthy.

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Anxiety,depression,post tramauyoc stress, low confidence, low.mood.

I own the house. She is currently not paying any rent as she is unable to do so. Shes setting up her own business and I'm trying to support us both in the mean time. It means I have to work more which lives her at home alone which is also making her u happy. I'm also at university 1 day oer week studying for my masters. I feel like I'm trying my best to keep everything afloat. Its hard to have enough money to support two people, have money for myself and to make time for myself as well!

Then why are you doing all of that which only enables her to use you like she is. She needs professional help which you are unable to give her and you doing all that while she gets no guidance to help her overcome is actually quite selfish. Be cruel to be kind and get yourself away from her. Call her parents or other family and let them handle her. It sounds cold to say all that and to do it but she will never get better as long as you are 'rescuing her' like you are.

 

Get yourself into your own therapy so that you understand the concept of enabling and how dysfunctional it is and how it does nothing to motivate her to change. (if she is even capable of changing??? Is she in therapy for all of her isms?)

 

DO NOT have a child with this woman... Neither of you are capable of that right now.

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Anxiety,depression,post tramauyoc stress, low confidence, low.mood.

I own the house. She is currently not paying any rent as she is unable to do so. Shes setting up her own business and I'm trying to support us both in the mean time. It means I have to work more which lives her at home alone which is also making her u happy. I'm also at university 1 day oer week studying for my masters. I feel like I'm trying my best to keep everything afloat. Its hard to have enough money to support two people, have money for myself and to make time for myself as well!

 

Saulty, I may have asked you this in a previous post, but would you please explain to me where it was you learned that, as her boyfriend (versus her husband), you feel required to support her financially to the extent you're doing -- and barely having any money or time for yourself?

 

Did you read it in a book or something? Or on the internet?

 

I am actually serious, were you taught somewhere that your girlfriend will love you more if you "save" her or become her "White Knight" who will protect and provide for her at all costs, even if it means going broke yourself?

 

I've seen a lot of "White Knights" in my day but never this extreme; I am wondering how you allowed all this to happen, and why?

 

I realize you're a man who likes to help out, and perhaps even "save" but please know by doing so, you are doing yourself (and your gf) a great disservice.

 

Number one you are enabling her; she will never develop the tools to take care of herself, support herself and survive in the world herself, as long as you continue doing so for her.

 

Number two and perhaps more important, she will lose all respect for you. If she hasn't already.

 

Oh she will pretend she hasn't, to get all the "goods" but she does not respect you. No woman would for a variety of reasons. The biggest one being it doesn't appear you respect yourself. If you did, none of this would be happening.

 

Please think about these things and agree with TwT, please look into getting yourself some professional help to help you with your co-dependency issues and White night Syndrome, it's working against you with this woman, as it will work against you in the future with new women.

 

I am sorry and good luck!

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Anxiety,depression,post tramauyoc stress, low confidence, low.mood.

I own the house. She is currently not paying any rent as she is unable to do so. Shes setting up her own business and I'm trying to support us both in the mean time. It means I have to work more which lives her at home alone which is also making her u happy. I'm also at university 1 day oer week studying for my masters. I feel like I'm trying my best to keep everything afloat. Its hard to have enough money to support two people, have money for myself and to make time for myself as well!

 

How can she run a business if she is not in a good mental state? Do you honestly feel she has a viable venture (has previously succeeded in the industry) or is she "starting a business" simply to prevent herself from interacting with people. How does she get clients when she is anxious and depressed? working for yourself is even more isolating. Is she actually in therapy plus seeing a dietician, etc? is she self diagnosed?

 

I think you know the answer deep down. She is not good for your mental health

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Saulty, I may have asked you this in a previous post, but would you please explain to me where it was you learned that, as her boyfriend (versus her husband), you feel required to support her financially to the extent you're doing -- and barely having any money or time for yourself?

 

Did you read it in a book or something? Or on the internet?

 

 

 

I am actually serious, were you taught somewhere that your girlfriend will love you more if you "save" her or become her "White Knight" who will protect and provide for her at all costs, even if it means going broke yourself?

 

I've seen a lot of "White Knights" in my day but never this extreme; I am wondering how you allowed all this to happen, and why?

 

I realize you're a man who likes to help out, and perhaps even "save" but please know by doing so, you are doing yourself (and your gf) a great disservice.

 

Number one you are enabling her; she will never develop the tools to take care of herself, support herself and survive in the world herself, as long as you continue doing so for her.

 

Number two and perhaps more important, she will lose all respect for you. If she hasn't already.

 

Oh she will pretend she hasn't, to get all the "goods" but she does not respect you. No woman would for a variety of reasons. The biggest one being it doesn't appear you respect yourself. If you did, none of this would be happening.

 

Please think about these things and agree with TwT, please look into getting yourself some professional help to help you with your co-dependency issues and White night Syndrome, it's working against you with this woman, as it will work against you in the future with new women.

 

I am sorry and good luck!

 

I know you're right. I havent learned this behaviour anywhere I've just tried to be a loving and supporting partner. I've really tried. Sure, I've made a few mistakes along the way but I guess its hats to walk away from someone who is really struggling and who doesnt have a massive super network. I worry what would happen if I wanst there. I know that deep down this isnt my problem as I have my own life to lead. Guess I just have to put my big boy pants on and stand up for myself. Thanks

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I've read a lot about men who save women and I know I seem to fit into this category. It comes from a good place. I genuinely want to help and uplift her but I do feel I enable the negative behaviour.

She has been to multiple counsellors. Nothing seems to work..

 

You should really consider your own therapy to help you to understand that it doesn't "come from a good place." Read up on codependency and get yourself your own therapist who is an expert in the field of codependency.

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I know you're right. I havent learned this behaviour anywhere I've just tried to be a loving and supporting partner. I've really tried. Sure, I've made a few mistakes along the way but I guess its hats to walk away from someone who is really struggling and who doesnt have a massive super network. I worry what would happen if I wanst there. I know that deep down this isnt my problem as I have my own life to lead. Guess I just have to put my big boy pants on and stand up for myself. Thanks

 

Could it be that you are this way because you don't think you are worthy of a good relationship? that you attach yourself to a bad one because if you caretake someone, they will not leave? Honestly, you could also be preventing her from having more of a support network because you are trying to be everything to her -- her boyfriend, financier, parent, etc. If you weren't doing all these things in hopes that she would change, she might be forced to rely on her actual parents who may/may not give her tough love, be motivated to get a realistic job instead of this fantasy of working for herself - or getting the help she actually needs. There are people that hit rock bottom and really need an inpatient program, but if someone enables them they won't get help. Also, she could have pushed away others because of her behavior.

 

And please do not have sex with this woman anymore. you do not need to father a child with her.

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Could it be that you are this way because you don't think you are worthy of a good relationship? that you attach yourself to a bad one because if you caretake someone, they will not leave? Honestly, you could also be preventing her from having more of a support network because you are trying to be everything to her -- her boyfriend, financier, parent, etc. If you weren't doing all these things in hopes that she would change, she might be forced to rely on her actual parents who may/may not give her tough love, be motivated to get a realistic job instead of this fantasy of working for herself - or getting the help she actually needs. There are people that hit rock bottom and really need an inpatient program, but if someone enables them they won't get help. Also, she could have pushed away others because of her behavior.

 

And please do not have sex with this woman anymore. you do not need to father a child with her.

 

Yes you made some valid points. Thankyou. I'm going to go and speak to a professional to help me deal with my own issues. I think this will be best done alone without being in the relationship so we can both recover and grow. Thankyou for you help.

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You should really consider your own therapy to help you to understand that it doesn't "come from a good place." Read up on codependency and get yourself your own therapist who is an expert in the field of codependency.

 

I've done some research about this since you post so thankyou. I am going to speak to a professional so I can deal with my own internal issues and hopefully heal and grow. Thankyou

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