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Thread: Slept with my neighbor. What do I do?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Dec 2014

    Slept with my neighbor. What do I do?

    The title is pretty self explanatory. I got very drunk this past Tuesday night and did something very outside of my comfort zone. This is a long one so bare with me.

    I live in an apartment building and a few weeks ago I matched on a dating app with the cute guy that lives 6 doors down from me. Ive had a crush on him since I moved into the building but we both as of the past few months just got out of very long term relationships, both relationships lasting about 5 years. We had been chatting pretty regularly over the past few weeks, heís a teacher and seems like a nice guy.

    On Tuesday I went out with some friends and consumed several drinks. My neighbor and I had been messaging back and forth the whole night. I made a bold move and decided to go over to his apartment after I got home. I was hoping to go over there and maybe just chat and fool around. See where things went. We were both really anxious about it and sat and talked for a little while. Then things got heavy and we moved to the bedroom.

    Halfway through reality set in and I realized that even tho this guy is my neighbor. I donít really know him or his intentions. So I stopped him. The conversation that followed was a little blurry but basically I told him that since Iím just getting out of a break up, I donít want to get swept up into anything volatile or weird because I am still in a very sensitive emotional state. I said Iíd like to see him again and I donít just want it to be a one time thing. Things are blurry. But whatever he said or did in response must have resonated with me, and made me feel comfortable enough to finish the deed.

    After it was over, we cuddle for a bit but I left in a little bit of a rush ó I felt awkward and it was getting late, we both had work in the morning. I think he sensed that I was a little upset and tried to get me to stay and talk to him about it but I pushed my way through and left. He texted me both that night and the next morning to check on me and make sure I was okay and that I didnít feel bad about myself.

    Weíve chatted pretty regularly since then and both he and I have expressed weíd like to see each other again. Iíve also expressed that I donít want him to get the wrong idea about me, and next time Iíd like to do things the right way....instead of just coming over drunk at midnight and causing a cluster and he agreed.

    However, because this was so outside of my comfort zone Iím having a lot of trouble dealing with it and coming to terms with things. Iím over analyzing everything. Although we have chatted regularly since it happened, this weekend he went a little radio silent. Weíve only talked a couple times and I have not seen him around the complex.

    Friday morning I had asked him if he wanted to come over that night. He said he didnít know what he was doing, I asked him to let me know and he never did. We did chat the whole day. But pretty much since Friday afternoon onward he hasnít said much to me. Just a snap chat message yesterday afternoon.

    I know itís hard to tell from an outsiders perspective but Iím feeling like I made a total mistake and stepped way way way too far outside of my comfort zone, like Iím setting myself up for heartbreak and failure.

    I donít know this man well at all, prior to this weíd only say hi to each other in the hallway when we passed by. As much as I hate to say it, he really doesnít owe me anything. I guess I donít really owe him anything either, but once sex enters in to a situation for me itís really hard to keep my emotions in checkó especially since I am still struggling with the backlash of ending a long term relationship.

    How did I proceed? Did I mess up here? Am I just over analyzing his silence? Please help.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    In my view, you didn't really do anything wrong. Maybe some bad judgement, but who doesn't have bad judgement when drunk? So no, you did nothing wrong that I can see.

    He did though. Big time. What on earth was he thinking? Not only trying to sleep with you while you were clearly drunk (no matter what the situation - you were drunk, he knew it, and he tried to have sex with you though you weren't in any kind of condition to be able to give true consent.) There is also the fact that you stopped him and said you didn't want to go any further, and yet he either talked you into it anyway, despite what you clearly said (again, you were drunk, so not okay at all anyway) or he just ignored your wishes altogether, and your blurry memory is filling in that he must have said something that resonated with you. Which is irrelevant, because you were drunk and not capable of giving actual consent, and you never actually did. He just didn't take no for an answer.

    I assume the blurriness was caused by the booze and how quickly it all happened, but any guy who knowingly sleeps with someone that is drunk is scum in my book. This dude sounds like a complete and utter creep, and I'd be dead worried if I were him. This is the #MeToo and #TimeIsUp era - men no longer can pretend to be ignorant about this stuff. Clear consent is a prerequisite to sex. Someone under the influence is not able to give clear consent. In the country I live in, this would be considered rape.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    You had sex and though you were intoxicated, you had some forethought about it. You had been communicating, you went over to his house with the intention of `seeing where it goes' and you still ended up having sex.

    Almost immediately you realized your mistake and corrected it. Though your previous actions took you down the wrong path, you reevaluated them. This is good part.
    Unfortunately he doesn't appear to be on the same page. You are beating yourself up over wondering if you had done things differently would the outcome be different? Who knows?

    Be o.k. with that.
    It doesn't take anything away from you.
    You are still both decent people looking for different things, that's all.
    Shake it off as a learning experience.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 04-16-2019 at 02:35 PM.

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