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Thread: Desperate for Change

  1. #1

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    Desperate for Change

    I apologize in advance for the long post but I am at my wits end and donít know where to turn. I need opinions, thoughts, etc.

    Your spouse/significant other operates a business at home...well, on the same property. Because of this, a lot of people stop by to bring work, ask questions, or just to chat if they see someone outside. Completely normal if you ask me.

    One person starts coming over every day. Out of the last 13 days, this person has been there 12 of them. It doesnít matter if itís 8 in the morning, 4 in the afternoon, 9 at night, or 2am. No text, no call, just shows up. When this person comes over, your significant other often drops everything that they need to be doing - whether itís an important job they are working on, spending couples time, or anything in between. This person also pretty much does whatever they want, which usually ends up costing more time to clean up the mess that is left.

    When you ask for quality time with your significant other (bc you rarely get it unless you practically beg), you are told that youíre keeping them from their work, told that you must not care about them since you want to keep them from making money but if you offer to go out to their shop to help them so you can also spend time with them, you are told that you donít need to be out there bc their friends donít like it (even though it never used to be an issue).

    Anytime I say anything, I am told to stop ing and to stop trying to be in control. I donít feel Iím trying to be in control, but I also feel that there should be limits and boundaries. I feel like I should be able to be comfortable in our home and I feel like I should have some level of authority in our home. I feel like my feelings should matter. I feel like our relationship should be a priority once in a while and I shouldnít have to feel like Iím single every day. I donít feel like our relationship, finances, future plans, etc should be discussed in detail with other people. Mind you, I have overheard him bashing me to his friends, I have heard his friends say horrible things about me and he does not defend me.

    After having my feelings repeatedly disregarded, I have become very angry and started lashing out. Each time we argue and he does something that he knows will bother me (walk away while Iím talking, interrupt me, smiles or laughs at the situation, takes off in his truck and will be gone anywhere from 2-12 hours while refusing to answer texts or calls [i do not have a vehicle so I have no options but to sit at home and wait for him to come back], I have begun reacting in a way that isnít me at all. I have thrown things, kicked the door, knocked things over, etc. It makes him extremely angry when I react this way, which he says makes him want to do things I donít like even more. It has now escalated to physical violence where he has left bruises on my head/face, around my neck, on my arms and legs.

    Desperately needing thoughts, opinions, suggestions. Am I as wrong about this as he says I am? Am I just looking for a reason to complain like he says? Or do I have valid reasons to be upset, aggravated, and have hurt feelings?

    Please be honest

  2. #2
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    "I have overheard him bashing me to his friends, I have heard his friends say horrible things about me and he does not defend me." Why are you still with this guy? He does not love, value or respect you?

    Why are you staying and allowing him to abuse you? Get the hell out of there! TODAY! Be done with him, for good!

    Go to your family or friends. YOU ARE BEING ABUSED!

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by talyn80
    I have begun reacting in a way that isnít me at all. I have thrown things, kicked the door, knocked things over, etc. It makes him extremely angry when I react this way, which he says makes him want to do things I donít like even more. It has now escalated to physical violence where he has left bruises on my head/face, around my neck, on my arms and legs.

    Desperately needing thoughts, opinions, suggestions. Am I as wrong about this as he says I am? Am I just looking for a reason to complain like he says? Or do I have valid reasons to be upset, aggravated, and have hurt feelings?
    OP, this man is abusing you.

    Get out now.

  4. #4
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    This could get dangerous very fast!
    Heís starting to physically abuse you. If he thinks itís okay to put his hands on you then there is no stopping him!

    Get out of there and get help from family or friends. Just pack up your things and leave before this escalates the next time you fight and you end up in the hospital.

  5.  

  6. #5
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    >>>I have begun reacting in a way that isnít me at all. I have thrown things, kicked the door, knocked things over, etc. It makes him extremely angry when I react this way, which he says makes him want to do things I donít like even more. It has now escalated to physical violence where he has left bruises on my head/face, around my neck, on my arms and legs.


    When you begin feeling out of control like this, that is your cue to leave!! Immediately.

    This man is making you crazy, literally, your relationship has become abusive, toxic and extremely dysfunctional.

    Just out of curiosity, when he hits you, do you hit back? In retaliation or defensively? Not judging if you do, promise, just asking.

    I only ask because of what's posted above, you throwing things, kicking doors, knocking things over, this just adds to the toxicity, abuse and dysfunction.

    Not quite sure what's keeping you there, but please take steps to leave asap.

    A women 's shelter would be better than living in such a toxic and dangerous environment.

    I'm so sorry it's come this, best of luck.

  7. #6
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    He needs to take a few moments to chat with you, smile at you, touch you, and give just a few minutes of attention occasionally, even if he's working. Unfortunately he does not understand this and is taking you for granted. This is the beginning of millions of divorces.

    1) you could talk about it

    2) go to counseling

    3) try tough love - cut off sex and let's see how attentive his then!

    It also might be helpful to start having quality time again together, like you did in the beginning, like Friday night date nights.

    Some healthy space might work wonders too - is there some way you can get out of the house for awhile? Could you get a part time job, class, activity to go to? Tempers flair when you shoe-horn two people into a house so many hours of the day, especially when one works at home.

    Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

  8. #7
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    Gary, you often advise women to cut off sex to get what they want.

    I am wondering what evidence you have this "works" - please share, I am really curious.

    I see it as a manipulation which never or rarely goes down well in my experience.

    But hey I am open to your proving otherwise!

    Can you enlighten us (me) why you believe cutting off sex is a viable solution to problems in a relationship?

    I'm interested in learning new solutions and ways to improve my own relationships.

    Tnx!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    With all due respect Gary it kind of sounds like you reach for the same three cards of advice after skimming through posts. Kinda like flashing invites to the Gary Show rather than focusing on the reality of what the OP is going through.

    She is being physically abused. To which your suggestion is date nights and minx-like sex withholding?

    Iím sorry, but no.

    I find that little tactic pretty suspect every time you pepper it in, as if romance and connection are a game. But in this case itís just so left field I canít bite my tongue.

    Abuse is abuse. It means you get out, get help, get straight, not soothe things by batting eyelashes with the chastity belt buckled tight.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    He needs to take a few moments to chat with you, smile at you, touch you, and give just a few minutes of attention occasionally, even if he's working. Unfortunately he does not understand this and is taking you for granted. This is the beginning of millions of divorces.

    1) you could talk about it

    2) go to counseling

    3) try tough love - cut off sex and let's see how attentive his then!

    It also might be helpful to start having quality time again together, like you did in the beginning, like Friday night date nights.

    Some healthy space might work wonders too - is there some way you can get out of the house for awhile? Could you get a part time job, class, activity to go to? Tempers flair when you shoe-horn two people into a house so many hours of the day, especially when one works at home.

    Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
    Did you miss the bit where he is hitting her? She needs to leave!!!

    I do not get your advice. At all

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    With all due respect Gary it kind of sounds like you reach for the same three cards of advice after skimming through posts. Kinda like flashing invites to the Gary Show rather than focusing on the reality of what the OP is going through.

    She is being physically abused. To which your suggestion is date nights and minx-like sex withholding?

    Iím sorry, but no.

    I find that little tactic pretty suspect every time you pepper it in, as if romance and connection are a game. But in this case itís just so left field I canít bite my tongue.

    Abuse is abuse. It means you get out, get help, get straight, not soothe things by batting eyelashes with the chastity belt buckled tight.
    Very well said.

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