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everything's great, but...


AleSommacal

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Hey everyone!

 

I've been on 3 dates with a girl. Everything's going well. I can safely say there's chemistry, we talk a lot and have a good time.

Something I noticed is that she's refraining to touch me, as if she's being cautious. I didn't care about it too much, considering we are

just at the beginning.

 

Yesterday we went out for lunch and for a long walk. I really wanted to take the first step and kiss her. We sat on a bench with a nice view and I

figured it was time. Our lips touched (she didn't step back, but came slightly closer instead), however she seemed lukewarm about it.

She then gave me a long explanation - in the past year she had bad experiences with guys who let her down - which made her sick and tired of dating.

As a result she now feels (and quoting) "cold".

 

Surprisingly enough, for the rest of the date she started touching me and - altough embarassed - we both shared and laughed about our bad past dating experiences.

We set up another date, but I'm a bit torn about whether to try kissing her again or give her more time. Plus, I don't wanna lose MY time waiting

someone to "unlock" themselves.

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People who hang on to useless baggage are not dating material. There are cute, fun, smart women out there to date who are not going around carrying stop signs on their dates. She's her own saboteur, worrying so much that she ruins what should be a fun experience, and turning off men who would've been into her otherwise.

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How things have changed. People used to 'court' for months and years. Now after only three dates, you're thinking that you're wasting your time if she doesn't kiss you passionately.

 

What about getting to know her first? Are you more interested in finding someone who can be your mate for life or just someone to have sex with?

 

Do you know her middle name? Her favorite color?

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Are you more interested in finding someone who can be your mate for life or just someone to have sex with? f

 

I can't be sure about what I want. It depends on how things pan out, it depends on many factors.

 

But I agree with you when you say I should get to know her more. Mind you, I didn't expect a passionate kiss. It was a shot in the dark, but at least now I know what she's about for the time being.

Time will tell :)

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In your shoes I'd be moving slow, and somewhat wearily.

 

Everyone moves at a different pace when it comes to the physical, from sex on a first date to a passionate kiss after months of courtship. There are no rights and wrongs, in my book. Part of dating is finding that pace with someone and, of course, finding someone whose pace kind of organically lines up with your own. It's part of the click, the spark, and sometimes there are some cute little stumbles.

 

But the "bad experiences with guys" bit? That would rub me a bit. Her telling you—on a date, especially if you met on a dating app—that she is tried of dating? Ditto. That's stuff you keep in the can, since it's basically the story of every adult on the planet who has dated. Some bad experiences, some hurt, some fatigue.

 

And then bonding and feeling close over discussing "bad past dating experiences?" Well, I guess I've been down that path enough times that it's a kind of automatic turn off, since I don't think building intimacy around pain is the best foundation for real intimacy. I'd rather be talking about books, hobbies, hopes, dreams, travel, experiences, and so on, and finding connection there, then in comparing scars.

 

Because all that is baggage, per Andrina's post, and when someone's throwing it at you that quick? I don't know. Tends to just be a turn off for me. If you're too hurt to date, then don't date—that's kind of my take. Working through my own sh*t is enough for me. I prefer being with people who don't need me to work through their's too.

 

There's also a chance, of course, that you just didn't "read the room," so to speak. That you went to kiss someone who just wasn't quite sure she wanted to kiss you, and she kind of reached, as people do, for the "easy" explanation for hesitance. "I'm confused," "I've been hurt a lot," and so on—these tend to be what people say when they're just not quite feeling things, at least not quite the way you are.

 

Anyhow, go on another date. Feel it out. If you find your playing therapist, I'd consider divesting. If she presents herself as wounded, if that continues to be a major talking point—well, that's your call. But that's what you'll be getting into.

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Take it slow. Not because it's time to kiss but because she's warning you that she's not ready to date and you may get hurt and pay for the sins of her "bad experiences with guys". Don't try to fix or heal her. Take it slow and watch your back.

 

People who hang on to useless baggage are not dating material. There are cute, fun, smart women out there to date who are not going around carrying stop signs on their dates. She's her own saboteur, worrying so much that she ruins what should be a fun experience, and turning off men who would've been into her otherwise.

 

Both of these.

 

People used to court and date?

 

People used to not word vomit their emotional issues too...

 

I’d rather get a kiss on the 3rd date than a run down of someone’s exes sins...ijs

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If you're too hurt to date, then don't date—that's kind of my take.

 

There's also a chance, of course, that you just didn't "read the room," so to speak.

 

There's something I didn't mention.

Despite the fact that, true, we did bond a bit over our past dating experiences, I don't see it as a red flag, considering

our normal conversations concern, as you said, hobbies, experiences, work, university, dreams...

 

Then on to the thing I forgot mentioning. While explaining her reasons she added a few things...

1. she appreciated me kissing her (I saw her blushing and hiding for a moment after the kiss)

2. her reaction is due to her taking things slowly and avoiding to "think forward" - been there, done that many times -

3. she knows how to be alone, thus dating me means real interest.

 

probably my biggest concern is the word "cold". It never happened to me before, I hadn't had the

experience of witnessing my kiss being rejected (well, not really, but still.)

 

Then again, time will tell.

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There's something I didn't mention.

Despite the fact that, true, we did bond a bit over our past dating experiences, I don't see it as a red flag, considering

our normal conversations concern, as you said, hobbies, experiences, work, university, dreams...

 

Then on to the thing I forgot mentioning. While explaining her reasons she added a few things...

1. she appreciated me kissing her (I saw her blushing and hiding for a moment after the kiss)

2. her reaction is due to her taking things slowly and avoiding to "think forward" - been there, done that many times -

3. she knows how to be alone, thus dating me means real interest.

 

probably my biggest concern is the word "cold". It never happened to me before, I hadn't had the

experience of witnessing my kiss being rejected (well, not really, but still.)

 

Then again, time will tell.

 

If you see bringing up baggage as on the same conversational field as 'what are your hobbies' and telling her your baggage too, you're dating from a place of need as well so in that case you're on an even playing field.

 

Have fun, theres no need to ask questions, you dont plan to approach this in a healthy way so keep going.

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Yup, time will tell.

 

I'm going to take inspiration from figureitout and be a bit more forthcoming in what I'm seeing here.

 

Which is that you very much saw a red flag—hence your post—and are now using your mind to unsee it because she's attractive and you, like most people, would like to be in a relationship.

 

People tell you who they are pretty quickly, and she's told you what's what: she's cold, dating to find some warmth, to be warmed up. That's the dynamic to this courtship, one your 1-2-3 analysis just cemented. Along with her hobbies and her dreams (and, of course, her looks) you seem to be more drawn to her damage than put off by it.

 

Truth is, in your shoes I'd be done. I've been in your shoes plenty. I've also been in hers plenty. I'll admit I've painted some very red flags white in the wake of some seriously awesome sex, but my patience for this sort of white glove toe-tap, if triggered by the faintest whiff of a kiss, went out the window at about 23.

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Great job with the dates, and great detailed post explaining it! Yes, it's true, that your first kiss should happen in the first few dates, and you went for it, you did it, good man!

 

You are right for questioning the kiss. The better the kiss, the bigger the crush - and you want to date a woman who likes you a lot right out of the box - it means chances at love are high, and the chance for rejection is low.

 

Unfortunately, the kiss was lame. But there is another indicator here - after the kiss, she started touching you! She is warming up to you fast! This is great news!

 

Yes, go out with her again. If you do everything just right (no pressure, lol) there will be more kissing and touching! Keep me posted and let me know how the next date goes.

 

If you want to know what your chances are with a woman, put a grade on the first kiss and count how many times she touches you.

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you dont plan to approach this in a healthy way so keep going.

Sorry but I might have misunderstood what you said (language barrier, sadly)

Is this a judgement on my behaviour and a warning to stop dating her?

 

My plan's to avoid any kind of emotional baggage and any reference to our last date.

And see where it goes

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Sorry but I might have misunderstood what you said (language barrier, sadly)

Is this a judgement on my behaviour and a warning to stop dating her?

 

My plan's to avoid any kind of emotional baggage and any reference to our last date.

And see where it goes

 

Not a judgment but rather an acknowledgment.

 

You claim you’re planning to avoid emotional baggage but it seems to be attracting you in fact based on your previous post I think it’s safe to say it seems to almost be a requirement in your dating needs.

 

All I’m saying is if you don’t plan to change, which let’s be honest, you don’t, embrace it, no point stressing over something that you have no intention of rectifying

 

You’re choosing this, it’s ok! This is where you are in your journey. You are in control, decision good and bad are a choice and if you want to take the risk of dating ‘tell You all my baggage on date one girl’ you have that right! But don’t pretend you’re making a healthy choice.

 

You asked our opinion and pretty much every single person said nope bad sign you then instead of accepting that warped the story “ welllllll it’s ok because... “ then why ask? Why play the role? No one is stopping you from jumping on the crazy train. Who knows it may all work out that’s the risk you’re taking.

 

If Im on a diet and I polished off a plate of cookies for breakfast I can tell everyone my journey is to get healthy, but if I keep eating cookies for breakfast I’m lying, that is what it is, taking an extra step and writing on a forum my dieting goals as I’m actively working against it. Well that’s just odd to me. I can’t tell if it’s a cry for help or trying to convince myself I’m doing good when I know I’m not.

 

I’m not warning you to stop dating her I’m saying embrace where you are in your journey, you’re making a conscious choice to ignore red flags. You have every right to do that. But you don't get to pretend that’s not what you’re doing. Well I’m lying you can but it won’t be sincere.

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FWIW, I had this exact same thing happen. After three dates, the very awkward kiss happened, and she apologized much the same with. "the last man I met was a jerk, so I am a bit cautious and a bit shy".

That...along with some other red flags I was out.

 

Fast forward to a month later with another woman.

I had a very lukewarm kiss on the third date. (like kissing Aunt Betty)

 

I liked so much about her at the time, I figured she was just playing it slow and being shy. I thought I would give her time to warm up.

I married her and now almost 5 years later, I wish I didn't ignore my gut. I am in an unhappy marriage.

 

The passion NEVER came and I question if she was even into me?

 

(See my started posts to hear all about my situation.)

 

My advice....have you ever had an amazing kiss that makes you want to kiss for 10 minutes? One of the best feelings in the world.

The second, third and 10th kiss should mutually give you tingles and charge up your sex drive. If they don't, do yourself and her a favor and move on!

 

Also, don't ignore your gut feelings on the matter. The gut is 90% right.

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