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Thread: everything's great, but...

  1. #1
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    everything's great, but...

    Hey everyone!

    I've been on 3 dates with a girl. Everything's going well. I can safely say there's chemistry, we talk a lot and have a good time.
    Something I noticed is that she's refraining to touch me, as if she's being cautious. I didn't care about it too much, considering we are
    just at the beginning.

    Yesterday we went out for lunch and for a long walk. I really wanted to take the first step and kiss her. We sat on a bench with a nice view and I
    figured it was time. Our lips touched (she didn't step back, but came slightly closer instead), however she seemed lukewarm about it.
    She then gave me a long explanation - in the past year she had bad experiences with guys who let her down - which made her sick and tired of dating.
    As a result she now feels (and quoting) "cold".

    Surprisingly enough, for the rest of the date she started touching me and - altough embarassed - we both shared and laughed about our bad past dating experiences.
    We set up another date, but I'm a bit torn about whether to try kissing her again or give her more time. Plus, I don't wanna lose MY time waiting
    someone to "unlock" themselves.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Take it slow. Not because it's time to kiss but because she's warning you that she's not ready to date and you may get hurt and pay for the sins of her "bad experiences with guys". Don't try to fix or heal her. Take it slow and watch your back.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    People who hang on to useless baggage are not dating material. There are cute, fun, smart women out there to date who are not going around carrying stop signs on their dates. She's her own saboteur, worrying so much that she ruins what should be a fun experience, and turning off men who would've been into her otherwise.

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    Bronze Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    How things have changed. People used to 'court' for months and years. Now after only three dates, you're thinking that you're wasting your time if she doesn't kiss you passionately.

    What about getting to know her first? Are you more interested in finding someone who can be your mate for life or just someone to have sex with?

    Do you know her middle name? Her favorite color?

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Are you more interested in finding someone who can be your mate for life or just someone to have sex with? f
    I can't be sure about what I want. It depends on how things pan out, it depends on many factors.

    But I agree with you when you say I should get to know her more. Mind you, I didn't expect a passionate kiss. It was a shot in the dark, but at least now I know what she's about for the time being.
    Time will tell :)

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    In your shoes I'd be moving slow, and somewhat wearily.

    Everyone moves at a different pace when it comes to the physical, from sex on a first date to a passionate kiss after months of courtship. There are no rights and wrongs, in my book. Part of dating is finding that pace with someone and, of course, finding someone whose pace kind of organically lines up with your own. It's part of the click, the spark, and sometimes there are some cute little stumbles.

    But the "bad experiences with guys" bit? That would rub me a bit. Her telling you—on a date, especially if you met on a dating app—that she is tried of dating? Ditto. That's stuff you keep in the can, since it's basically the story of every adult on the planet who has dated. Some bad experiences, some hurt, some fatigue.

    And then bonding and feeling close over discussing "bad past dating experiences?" Well, I guess I've been down that path enough times that it's a kind of automatic turn off, since I don't think building intimacy around pain is the best foundation for real intimacy. I'd rather be talking about books, hobbies, hopes, dreams, travel, experiences, and so on, and finding connection there, then in comparing scars.

    Because all that is baggage, per Andrina's post, and when someone's throwing it at you that quick? I don't know. Tends to just be a turn off for me. If you're too hurt to date, then don't date—that's kind of my take. Working through my own sh*t is enough for me. I prefer being with people who don't need me to work through their's too.

    There's also a chance, of course, that you just didn't "read the room," so to speak. That you went to kiss someone who just wasn't quite sure she wanted to kiss you, and she kind of reached, as people do, for the "easy" explanation for hesitance. "I'm confused," "I've been hurt a lot," and so on—these tend to be what people say when they're just not quite feeling things, at least not quite the way you are.

    Anyhow, go on another date. Feel it out. If you find your playing therapist, I'd consider divesting. If she presents herself as wounded, if that continues to be a major talking point—well, that's your call. But that's what you'll be getting into.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Take it slow. Not because it's time to kiss but because she's warning you that she's not ready to date and you may get hurt and pay for the sins of her "bad experiences with guys". Don't try to fix or heal her. Take it slow and watch your back.
    Originally Posted by Andrina
    People who hang on to useless baggage are not dating material. There are cute, fun, smart women out there to date who are not going around carrying stop signs on their dates. She's her own saboteur, worrying so much that she ruins what should be a fun experience, and turning off men who would've been into her otherwise.
    Both of these.

    People used to court and date?

    People used to not word vomit their emotional issues too...

    I’d rather get a kiss on the 3rd date than a run down of someone’s exes sins...ijs

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    If you're too hurt to date, then don't date—that's kind of my take.

    There's also a chance, of course, that you just didn't "read the room," so to speak.
    There's something I didn't mention.
    Despite the fact that, true, we did bond a bit over our past dating experiences, I don't see it as a red flag, considering
    our normal conversations concern, as you said, hobbies, experiences, work, university, dreams...

    Then on to the thing I forgot mentioning. While explaining her reasons she added a few things...
    1. she appreciated me kissing her (I saw her blushing and hiding for a moment after the kiss)
    2. her reaction is due to her taking things slowly and avoiding to "think forward" - been there, done that many times -
    3. she knows how to be alone, thus dating me means real interest.

    probably my biggest concern is the word "cold". It never happened to me before, I hadn't had the
    experience of witnessing my kiss being rejected (well, not really, but still.)

    Then again, time will tell.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AleSommacal
    There's something I didn't mention.
    Despite the fact that, true, we did bond a bit over our past dating experiences, I don't see it as a red flag, considering
    our normal conversations concern, as you said, hobbies, experiences, work, university, dreams...


    Then on to the thing I forgot mentioning. While explaining her reasons she added a few things...
    1. she appreciated me kissing her (I saw her blushing and hiding for a moment after the kiss)
    2. her reaction is due to her taking things slowly and avoiding to "think forward" - been there, done that many times -
    3. she knows how to be alone, thus dating me means real interest.

    probably my biggest concern is the word "cold". It never happened to me before, I hadn't had the
    experience of witnessing my kiss being rejected (well, not really, but still.)

    Then again, time will tell.
    If you see bringing up baggage as on the same conversational field as 'what are your hobbies' and telling her your baggage too, you're dating from a place of need as well so in that case you're on an even playing field.

    Have fun, theres no need to ask questions, you dont plan to approach this in a healthy way so keep going.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Yup, time will tell.

    I'm going to take inspiration from figureitout and be a bit more forthcoming in what I'm seeing here.

    Which is that you very much saw a red flag—hence your post—and are now using your mind to unsee it because she's attractive and you, like most people, would like to be in a relationship.

    People tell you who they are pretty quickly, and she's told you what's what: she's cold, dating to find some warmth, to be warmed up. That's the dynamic to this courtship, one your 1-2-3 analysis just cemented. Along with her hobbies and her dreams (and, of course, her looks) you seem to be more drawn to her damage than put off by it.

    Truth is, in your shoes I'd be done. I've been in your shoes plenty. I've also been in hers plenty. I'll admit I've painted some very red flags white in the wake of some seriously awesome sex, but my patience for this sort of white glove toe-tap, if triggered by the faintest whiff of a kiss, went out the window at about 23.

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