Moving too fast?

Hello, my boyfriend of 5 months has been talking about living together. Is it too early to do that? How long should I wait?

A year in is too soon.

Is he bipolar ? I’m confused because the topic I clicked on suggested so?

Ok, yes. Why do you think he is suggesting this soon?

Ask him what the rush is. What is your rush? Why are you considering this? It's usually a red flag to push for this after only 20 weeks of dating. Whose place are you moving into?

How are his finances? Where does he/do you live now? Moving in together is usually for convenient sex, splitting domestic costs and chores. It is not a commitment or a prelude to any commitment. If you want convenient sex, want to split household work, costs, etc then living together as roommates-with-benefits may work for you. Keep in mind at 5 mos the rosy glow may come to an abrupt halt as the realities of who pays for what and dirty dishes sets in.

Ok, yes. Why do you think he is suggesting this soon?

Hi Susie,

I think the question here is..what do you think?

I'm sensing the reason you've posted this thread is because YOU ARE having reservations that you can't pin-point, but something is definitely unsettling you. Can you tell us what that is? Your "gut" doesn't seem to be on board with the idea of moving in just yet...which is a good enough reason to wait...

..but it will substantially help you, your partner and your relationship if you are able to consciously voice some of the feelings/thoughts/concerns that you are probably having subconsciously at the moment...if only to yourself or on this thread.

This will help you to more clearly decide. The trick is to brutally honest with yourself. It's fine to have doubts. It doesn't necessarily mean the move won't work, but when making such a substantial life-altering decision...it's best to check that your conscious thoughts and unconscious thoughts are on the same page.

Decixxx

Wait until you are sure you wish to commit to a long relationship with him.

I am not saying 5 months is too short, but have a look at Wiseman and Deci's posts.

I also do not think you should be in any way upset that he wants you to move in.

There are about a thousand threads here where women complain that men lack commitment.

I son't mean to sound cynical, but for us guys, finding the "correct" moment to ask your lady to move in is as difficult as walking the razor's edge.

Give the guy a break.

Hi RayRay,

Completely understand what your saying. It does take a lot of courage for the guy to put his heart on the line and suggest more commitment.

However...and hear me clearly.....Bipolar is a major mental illness. It is not something that your partner copes with on their own as a side hobby. It is something that the couple will jointly need to deal with. Over and over again. Believe me. It has a major impact on a relationship. I cannot stress how major this factor is.

Before any moving can be considered, SusieNovy must ensure she has a thorough understanding of the condition, and

a) of how her partner is currently managing the condition

b) how he has coped in the past.

c) What are his highs like. Is he going to spend the rent money during the euphoric period. (Or like my Grandmother disrobe at christening)

d) What are the lows? My grandmother drank bleach during one of lows in manic depression.

https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/bipolar-disorder-manic-depression#1

Bipolar disorder is a serious condition. Mania often involves sleeplessness, sometimes for days, along with hallucinations, psychosis, grandiose delusions, or paranoid rage. In addition, depressive episodes can be more devastating and harder to treat than in people who never have manias or hypomanias.

Whoo-wait! Now I'm confused. Does he have bi-polar or have I misread the 2nd and 3rd post Might be my mistake. If so I apologise...

Hi Deci, now you have me wondering - where did bi-polar come from? - Did Billie 28 respond before the OP edited the op?

Wait at least a year.

Ok, thank you for your replies. Yes, he is bipolar. It's tougher than I thought it would be. Waiting a year I think is a good idea, as I thought moving in right away was too fast. What about meeting family, how long should I wait for things like that?

How old are you two? 5 months is much too soon, waiting at least a year is a much better idea. You are still in the rainbows and kittens stage. The bloom needs to come off the rose first.

Edit: He's bipolar. Be very cautious. Sanity is one of the cornerstones of a person who is a good catch.

Hi Susie,

Many thanks for coming back and letting us know. Glad you were able to come to your own decision:D.. Good stuff!

All the best.

Decixxx

We're in our 40's. I get confused a lot with his moods. Feel like the blooms off now. Is this normal?

If he has bipolar disorder, is it bipolar 1 or 2?

There is a huge difference between the two.

I have bipolar 2, diagnosed years ago.

I manage my symptoms quite well without meds.

I don't nor have I ever experienced any sort of mania or psychosis or other serious symptoms as those with bipolar 1 experience.

I have also been in long term relationships, am in one now, a little over a year.

I do have my mood swings, occasional anxiety and insomnia, but it's manageable.

As for moving in after 5 months, it's not for me to say it's too soon.

I know a couple who moved in together after 5 days! And they've been married 23 years!

However, it's kind of obvious YOU think it's too soon, which is okay.

For that reason, I would advise waiting until you are both comfortable with it.

He has bipolar 2 and is on meds.

We're in our 40's. I get confused a lot with his moods. Feel like the blooms off now. Is this normal?

Define "his moods" - can you clarify what his moods look like?

My moods consist of me getting super quiet and wanting to keep to myself.

My boyfriends have been and are fully aware of my condition and have learned to understand it. They didn't and don't take it personally.

I was on meds for awhile but hated them. I felt they squelched my enthusiastic nature, they also negatively impacted my sex drive.

I now choose to manage symptoms myself, through proper diet and exercise, yoga helps calm my anxiety..

There is lots of info on the Internet re bipolar 2 and 1 and the differences between the two.

My advice would be to research it and learn to understand it, this way hopefully his moods won't confuse you so much.

Course if his moods consist of him lashing out in anger, or any type of violence, that's different and you may want to rethink the relationship.

He's very inconsistent and it's confusing for me. He gets mad and flies off the handle over my insecurity issues, but I feel like he spite fully does things to test my trust and insecurities. I don't think that's fair. I'm trying so hard to understand, but some days It's hard. I struggle with my own things I have going on with my job, bills, kids and his issues. I honestly feel we need to be together longer than 5 months to be living together and if it isn't going towards marriage or something along those lines,I'm out. Every time I try to tell him about something that hurts or bothers me, he gets mad and I feel like he doesn't act the same. I basically feel punished for sharing my feelings and communicating. What am I doing wrong? I'll do anything to make this work.

^ The behaviour you just described is not due to his moods or bipolar.

Many people without bipolar behave this way. Sadly.

His nature in general sounds very controlling, bullish and angry.

He gets mad over stupid sh*t, attempts to flip it back on you, punishes you -- that is called gaslighting (meant to confuse you and get you crazy) and has zero to do with bipolar disorder. Frankly, he sounds toxic.

If it were me, I would not move in with this person and would actually consider breaking up with him!

That's not bipolar? He agreed he's inconsistent and it's part of the condition. Oh no, not the gaslighting issue again. I do feel like sometimes things are turned around on me, but I wondered if it's just in my head. I'm not sure what to do what to do to make this stop. I want a committed, stable, loving relationship, but I also need consistency and to be able to communicate without fear. I hold things in, in fear of making him mad. He knows when I'm upset and I feel I need to not say when I am because I don't want to look as though I'm trying to start an argument.

You are it seems in a relationship with a controlling man who just so happens to ALSO have bipolar.

And he uses his bipolar diagnosis as an excuse for his behaviour which actually has nothing to do with it.

I don’t think the question should be if you should move in or not, more like whether you should continue to date him or not?

Wait, you have kids?

No way should you be moving yourself AND YOUR KIDS in. Think about his "moods" will affect them.

Uh oh, he engages in gaslighting. Run for the hills! And, he's bipolar. Yikes. 5 months is moving too fast. Get to know him LONGER as in a year or more. And, you have kids? Slow down otherwise you'll have enormous regrets.

You are it seems in a relationship with a controlling man who just so happens to ALSO have bipolar.

 

And he uses his bipolar diagnosis as an excuse for his behaviour which actually has nothing to do with it.

 

I don’t think the question should be if you should move in or not, more like whether you should continue to date him or not?

Bingo!

Billie, it's amazing how much alike we think!