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Thread: Attracted to another man....

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So, you posted about this once before but, it seems, didn't take any advice.

    I'm not saying that to scold you, but just understand: If you want to come here to find a way of rationalizing what you know is not healthy, confessing here, continuing to indulge out in the real wordówell, that's your choice. But you may find people on here become less generous.

    Everything you're dealing with here, as it currently stands, is hardly the worst of transgressions in a marriage. But you're kind of standing at a crossroads right now where you can either make some above board choices that put you, your husband, and your marriage first, or some choices that don't.

    To answer your questions: This guy's intentions no longer matter, because you know what yours are and they're not friendly. You've even admitted as much to him, which, to be blunt, was you making a choice to fan the flames of a developing emotional affair rather than let them die out. Yes, that is me scolding you a bit.

    So, own that, because that's what you're doing. This is not all "just happening" because he's texting you. It's happening because you're allowing it, and escalating it yourself.

    The suicide moment was real, understandably traumatic, and I can understand how a bond can form there. But if you're not also talking to your husband about that, and perhaps a therapist, than you're now using that bond as an excuse to dip your toes into inexcusable behavior.

    So, to your final question of what should you do: well, dial this all way, way back. Engage with yourself and your husband, not this guy.

  2. #22
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    Why don't you ask your husband what he thinks?

  3. #23
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Why don't you ask your husband what he thinks?
    Yes, I second this...

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by QueenofParts

    He's never indicated any romantic intention towards me. He's just very confusing.

    Is he? No offense intended, but you seem to be the confused and confusing one in this situation. It's totally normal to get occasional crushes on other people when you are married. You aren't DEAD, after all. Even the best marriages this can happen, because we are human. It's whether or not you ACT on it that matters. Whether or not he likes you, you even say he's never indicated romantic intention and yet you have by telling him specifically that you have a crush on him. So who is confusing whom here?

    You say you love your husband, but you also seem very concerned/interested in whether or not this co-worker has secret romantic feelings for you.

    I don't think anything has been done to ruin anything yet. But you already know what you need to do- Go back to limiting your contact with this co-worker. That's the thing about marriage, it has its up and downs. There are times where you won't "like" your spouse or feel " in love"- sometimes spouses can do things that are downright frustrating. It is in those times where our faithfulness can be tested. " For better or for worse". It's important to remember that your co-worker is being kind now, but you better believe that he too has a negative side, a cranky side, a frustrating side. You just don't know it, because you don't live with it.

    You are teetering on the brink of an emotional affair. Stop now before it spirals out of control. If you need something to pump up your self -worth while your husband is being cranky, you need to think of something that doesn't involve another man.

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  6. #25
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    You are teetering on the brink of an emotional affair. .[/QUOTE]

    Oh she is already over that edge

  7. #26
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    I'd be very careful about feeding the ego/intrigued feeling you have - it's not worth your marriage.
    I love the idea of asking your husband -and if you can't, that's your answer. I asked my husband in a situation where a former acquaintance (nothing romantic, back then I thought he was cute -we sat on a jury together, we chatted, no flirting whatsoever) contacted me when he was separated from his wife - seemed like he wanted me to refer him to an attorney for the divorce but the email also contained some personal info. So I responded to the professional part and the responsive email was quite personal although not outrightly flirtatious. I showed my husband and we decided that I could respond again with whatever other referral I had to a legal person and not respond to the personal part (because it was worth maintaining the acquaintanceship for business reasons). I did so, received a polite thank you, done. Out in the open was best. I have not shown my husband other emails from exes where I resolved it in the same way -meaning, why bother him with hit if I was going to cut things off before any playing with fire could result. It depends. In this case, why not show him? If not, why not?

  8. #27
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    I'm just more intrigued as to whether this guy actually does like me, or if I'm reading it wrong.

    the fact that you are even wondering is deeply troubling

  9. #28
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Emotional AFFAIR If you are doing it in secret, you shouldn't be doing it. This will destroy any trust your husband has with you. CUT IT OUT. This has gone way too far. Things are not weird with your husband, you have gotten weird with this guy, and it's making you look differently at your relationship with your husband. Your emotional intimacy with this guy is pulling you away from your husband. Snap out of it, and stop texting this guy...end it!

  10. #29
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    I can understand this to an extent. Sometimes, a friendly (and yes sometimes handsome) face can get us through the day. Even looking forward to a text at the end of your day... ehhh bit of a grey area if you ask me, but fine.

    Honestly though the part I had trouble with is this:

    On one evening, after a row with my husband, my instructor texted me when I was feeling totally fed up, and I told him that I had caught feelings for him, but that I hoped it wouldn't affect our friendship, which it hasn't.
    So having a crush can be normal (according to various magazine articles I've read ), but once you tell that person, it ups the ante. You're now asking this man to *do* something about it, and therefore your crush is no longer innocent.

    I also can't help but notice your questions.

    Is the guy interested in me as more than friends?

    If not, is it normal for a guy with a partner to text a married woman, multiple times, every evening?

    Finally, the biggie.... what should I do???
    There is something missing here. Can you find it? Here's a hint:

    At the moment, things are a bit weird between my husband and I, whilst he adjusts from finishing a long self employed job, and to me going out at random hours in the morning, or finishing late at night.
    You didn't ask a single thing about your husband. 'while he adjusts.' While HE adjusts. He's going through something right now. He needs you. And not once did you think, how can I do better by the man I swore I'd stick it out with? Yes, you mentioned his troubles in an offhand manner, but your narration went right back to this other man. It's a selfish thought process.

    Also I have a feeling I'm wasting my time writing this, since you've already asked this question in a previous post. I'm assuming you're posting in the hopes that we tell you that this other man wants you. I think this is what your posts are centered around.

    I know I have to support him through the rough days of not having any work booked.
    Today's a good day as any to start. Going No-Contact with the guy you have a crush on would get you off on the right foot.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by QueenofParts
    No, my marriage is important to me, and so is my coworker's partnership with his missus and kid (I don't have children).

    I'm just more intrigued as to whether this guy actually does like me, or if I'm reading it wrong.
    Will you please kick yourself and stop with your shady goings on? You know he has a partner and has had a child with her so what does it matter if he likes you or not. You're being a real piece of work by texting him and he you when you and he both know you are crushing on him since you were silly enough to tell him that. Did he tell you he likes you back too?

    Smarten up, you are married and he is just as committed as you are even if he doesn't have the license. How he plays you when he knows you are crushing. If he were as the bees knees you think he is he wouldn't entertain the contact after your confession. He uses you for that attention you fawn over him.


    I like him a lot, and he's an absolutely top bloke. I'm so far out of the game, that I have no idea when someone is flirting with me, and when someone is just being nice.
    He HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND A CHILD. That is enough knowledge for you to put a stop to the texting and everything else outside of work. It's time to keep it professional and to back off. Its no wonder you are finding fault with your husband when the reality of him knocks you out of your fantasy thoughts of another man.

    I think that's why I caught some feelings for him, as him being a nice bloke made me feel better at a time when life wasn't easy.
    That is no excuse for you to be horning in on another woman's lifemate. Nor is it any reason for you to disengage emotionally from your own husband because you have a childish crush on another man. Leave him alone and either get back to bonding with your husband or leave him but leave that woman's partner alone.

    He's never indicated any romantic intention towards me. He's just very confusing.
    Its not confusing. When you told him you had a crush on him (stop calling it "feelings") he didn't do a thing about it (did he?) but continue to bask in the attention you give him.

    What should you do? Time to grow up, stop fantasizing and view this with glasses coated in reality. Zero contact outside of your job. Quit pursuing another woman's life partner and work on your own marriage or leave it.

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