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He's been cheating with his ex-wife! Its complicated. Please help


Amarie21

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I met my boyfriend about a year ago on an online dating site. I was not aware that this was before his divorce was final. In the beginning, he told me he had been divorced for 2 years. Eventually, I found out the actual truth that his divorce became final after 3 weeks of us meeting. I was angry that he had lied but forgave him.

 

He has 4 kids with his ex-wife. I had been patient with his attempting to co-parent with her despite some toxic patterns I was witnessing. It seemed that they were emotionally abusive at times. They couldn’t seem to agree on the issues, called each other names, were constantly fighting about the kids, arguing about money and were even threatening to take each other back to court. She would call over and over again, rapidly text him like 50 times in a row and a couple of times she would show up to his home uninvited.

 

I was a complete wreck not understanding why he wouldn’t put a stop to it and just not engage in the drama. At one I found a desperate love letter she wrote to him, begging for him back. I found text messages from her using her son’s phone after he blocked her begging him to come back to her. I even asked him to consider reconciling with her for the kid’s sake. But he claimed that she was abusive, cheated on him, and controlled him and that he could not be with her anymore, period. So, I suggested he set some strict boundaries. He agreed.

 

Several months later, I picked up on the fact that he wasn’t holding himself or her to the boundaries we were trying to establish. It seemed like they had reverted to some of their old habits of fighting, bickering, and threatening. I was hurt and disappointed and begged him to see that he was contributing to the drama. I was distressed by the situation and was becoming unhappy with him. It seemed like he wasn’t ready to move on and was holding on to it all.

 

He said was scared to lose his kids and that she accused him of letting me control him. I found messages to him from her saying that it was all my fault and that I was stopping him from having a better relationship with her for the “kid’s sake.” So I gently reached out to her offering my condolences to her grief and also offering my support of her children in moving forward. I suggested we all communicate openly about the kids and try to put our past emotions behind us. I also assured her that I was suggesting they set some boundaries because they seemed to fight dirty and that my involvement in the matter was to help facilitate an environment of healing and peace for everyone. I tried to reassure her that I wanted to help, not hurt anyone.

 

It backfired. She lashed out telling me all the wrongs he committed to her during their marriage. She stated she believed him to be a narcissist, sociopath and a sex addict. She warned me that he was using me and was incapable of love. She also told me he was cheating on me with her by asking her for sex and threesomes. She begged me to leave him and never look back. I asked her for proof and she showed me a few screen shots of their texting. It appeared at one point he was asking her for a blow job. And at another point he was asking about a threesome. And another time it looked like he was trying to get her to engage in sexting with him.

 

He admitted he did engage with inappropriate texting with her out of fear, spite and sarcasm. And he agreed that the comments he made were wrong and took full responsibility for engaging in the inappropriate behavior with her. He said sometimes she would call and harass him begging for attention and companionship. So, he would engage and talk to her about her extravagant sex life. He claims that SHE is the sex addict and narcissist and she has had over 100 partners and is constantly bragging to him about her crazy sex stories. He said the comments he was making to her were sarcastic in nature and that they were taken out of context. He claims that she deleted parts of the conversations. But can’t prove anything because he deleted it all from his phone so I wouldn’t find their communications. He claims she was desperate to end our relationship and he believes she set him up and that she manipulated the conversations to look a certain way.

 

Regardless, I ended the relationship due to his lack of honesty with me and due to the fact that I am not 100% sure who is telling the truth here. He is desperately trying to win me back. He has given me access to his email, he installed a parental monitoring app on his phone so I can monitor his texts and phone calls. He is putting cameras in his home and even turned on the location tracker on his phone. He also cut all contact with her except for a 3rd party app called Our Family Wizard which messages are monitored by a 3rd party and cant be deleted. He has shown me their conversations and she continues to berate him and beg him to stop using the app and accuses him of trying to hurt her via the app. The app is designed to protect everyone and is recommended by the courts so its intent is to prevent malicious activity, not hurt anyone. He even served her with mediation papers and is considering getting an order of protection from her if mediation doesn’t help. All of this is unprompted by me. And he states he realizes that its time to make a serious stand and stop it all.

 

He seems truly remorseful for everything. He claims he just wants a normal relationship with a healthy person. I do still love him. From what I know he is a good man, he loves his children and other than the drama and secrets he kept from me about her, he treated me well. I really want to believe him but the photos she sent don’t lie. I know that he needs time to grieve her and be away from her and I want to allow him that time despite the fact that he wants me to come back to him now. He is terrified he has lost me and is begging and pleading for another chance. I was humiliated and devastated. My family and friends are urging me to move on and not trust him and find someone who is more honest and has less baggage.

 

I reluctantly agreed to talk to a counselor with him. He is seeing his own counselor and is taking an anger management course. As much as I’d like to move on, I can’t help but think about the possibilities of reconciling and possibly moving past this. Any advice?

 

 

Thanks.

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It's not that complicated from my point of view. What you are going through right now is what life with him will be like. The relationship with his ex will likely always be volatile. They'll be at each others throats one minute and then you'll wonder if they're having an affair. At some point you have to ask yourself a very simple question: is all the drama worth it?

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He's in the beginning stages of engaging with you the way he engages with her.

 

Plus, are you sure you want to be in a relationship with a man who is capable of behaving the way he does? You certainly cannot put all the blame on her since he chose to continue to engage in this unhealthy manner. And no, it wasn't necessary to behave the way he did in order to retain access to the kids. That's what court orders are for.

 

Do you want a lifetime of this drama?

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He's not ready to date. He's reaching out to you and panicking because he's not comfortable being alone. He needs time to heal (a lot of time). Distance yourself emotionally and physically.

 

If you need to work things out, work it out with your counsellor. Put your heart and soul into those sessions so that you can stop going to them eventually. It's eventually a crutch you're going to have to break free from. Get back on your feet and start rebuilding your life away from this and don't ever carry this as a chip on your shoulder. Don't be afraid. Move on.

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This has been a disaster from the start. You should have bolted when he lied to you about the divorce.

 

He is still not over her. Get away from these toxic people. I fee for the kids.

 

You should also address why you got/stayed involved in this mess.

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Sorry this happened. You did the right thing ending this. The deceit and manipulation would spell nothing but heartache in the future. Do not go to counseling. He won't change and you can't fix him. He was dishonest from the get-go.

I ended the relationship due to his lack of honesty
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This has been a disaster from the start. You should have bolted when he lied to you about the divorce.

 

He is still not over her. Get away from these toxic people. I fee for the kids.

 

You should also address why you got/stayed involved in this mess.

 

Agree with this especially addressing why you continued.

 

This is textbook.

 

He is rebounding with you.

 

You’re an emotional safety net and I actually agree with the ex wife your presence is hindering them working through their divorce.

 

It’s unhealthy, it’s toxic and there’s unfinished business.... why would you want to be in the center of that? Why would you find a man desperate to not be alone attractive?

 

You should probably seek therapy yourself. This situation is a flaming pile of you know what and you’re an active and willing participant..

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Drop out of this relationship. There's too much garbage. I was reading and wishing, *wishing* I could implement the time machine. On what planet is acceptable for the girlfriend to plop in and call and offer parenting and divorce advice to the ex-wife and mother? OMG, that was a stupid move, and it's really you parenting this so-called grownup you were dating. My ex-husband's new chickie pulled this crap on me, and I told her in not so many words to pounds sand, and if my ex had an issue, he could put on his big boy pants and have a discussion with me personally. This boyfriend of yours, stating he was sexting and sharing loving texts and talks to "keep the peace?" I can understand that, but it's also a hot mess of relationship of exes, kids, and custody I would not go near...walk out of this one. If this man feels like he has to feign love and reconciliation so he can see his kids once in awhile, it is a big ball of mess you don't want to take on. I know it hurts, but there's way too much crap happening. This ex-wife is the children's mother, and she and her family and whatever vitriol and dynamics will be a continued staple in your life for the foreseeable future. I wouldn't do it.

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Now that I can see it that way I definitely agree. As far as trying to reach out, my intentions were to open the lines of communication with her. I was only trying to send a peace message and tell her I wasn't the enemy. I agree it was my mistake. I am a mother too. And my ex has a live in girlfriend who is in my daughter's life and I have a very healthy, respectful relationship with her. But we put our kids first. Thats it. I guess it can't always be that way. But trust me, I don't ever want to come in between a mother and her children. I would like to add that SHE was the one who filed for divorce, and would also like to add that she is engaged to another man this whole time...So I wasn't trying to rub anything in her face, he kept begging her to leave him alone. I was simply trying to help, I didn't want to hurt anyone...I wanted to show her that I was trying to be reasonable. But I see now, that it was taken as a slight. And I would take it back if I could.

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Now that I can see it that way I definitely agree. As far as trying to reach out, my intentions were to open the lines of communication with her.

 

For what? Youre a girlfriend... his relationship with his ex wife is his. It isnt amicable so how did you expect to be buddy buddy with her when he wasnt? This is what the ex wife meant about you inserting yourself. They had a relationship to reestablish. The importance of you feeling welcome isn't and wouldn't be on her radar, not at this point, so surely logically you knew full well your act was far from selfless...

 

I was only trying to send a peace message and tell her I wasn't the enemy.

 

Again...for what? Again...you're inserting yourself...again.... you are not on the radar so clearly your actions were far from selfless...

 

 

I agree it was my mistake. I am a mother too. And my ex has a live in girlfriend who is in my daughter's life and I have a very healthy, respectful relationship with her. But we put our kids first. Thats it. I guess it can't always be that way.

 

But you yourself said the both of them are not healthy nor are they interacting in a healthy way so what made you think it would be the same? I cant see how this isn't simply a copout... surely you did not expect these two to act civil....

 

But trust me, I don't ever want to come in between a mother and her children. I would like to add that SHE was the one who filed for divorce, and would also like to add that she is engaged to another man this whole time...

 

Why would you bring that up as if it changes anything dealing with your dilema? Not to mention why would that be any of your business and why would you be privy to any of this after dating him for a year? See how you're intertwined in this drama in an unhealthy way? You shouldn't be in the middle of any of this. You deserve so much better than this.

 

Also notice your choice of verbiage "WE decided" "WE made a choice" this is not your battle.

 

So I wasn't trying to rub anything in her face, he kept begging her to leave him alone. I was simply trying to help, I didn't want to hurt anyone...I wanted to show her that I was trying to be reasonable.

 

No, you were marking your territory. Did he beg her to leave him alone before or after the sexting? After finding out everything that she did you're still trying to help? You dont want to hurt anyone? Unless youre the reincarnation of ghandi, I find that hard to believe

 

But I see now, that it was taken as a slight. And I would take it back if I could.

 

You cant change what you dont acknowledge...you had an excuse for everything which amounts to " I would take it back if I could...but let me tell you why I'm not wrong."

 

Im not saying any of this to be harsh but rather a STOP message. This is a toxic mess and you are not innocent here. I believe you when you say the ex wife is a piece of work but it literally is not your cross to bear... this is between him an his ex wife and you being there believe it or not is coming between a mother and her children because its adding to an already conflicted dark insane world, those kids dont need that. You think this mans worth fighting for? Fight for him like an adult would. Break up until he an his ex wife settle their differences, then and only then does your relationship have a fighting chance... Right now the brutal truth is he hasnt let go quite yet. An ex wife can only be crazy and interfere if the ex husband lets her, there are far too many laws, and court systems and mediators that could solve this if the drama was only coming from one side. There needs to be two to tango, hes been a participant, you know this, until he disengages its a mutually destructive situation that you got dragged into

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It doesn’t matter how bad your partner claims his ex was.

He had 4 children with her so it actually wasn’t that bad! Not so bad that he feels the need to sext with her so that he doesn’t lose his children!? Seriously!?

And if he was fearing losing his children AND acted well morally and fair via texting etc , he would NOT have deleted texts that are potential evidence in court.

His ex is smarter than him clearly. She has kept records.

 

Now he is apparently doing everything to win you back. A third party text app etc.

How long is he going to keep that up? Just until you return to him?

 

Having a daughter you co parent yourself , I am surprised you reached out to his ex?

Why would she care about your thoughts?

 

I also think that perhaps you met his kids way to soon.

You are only together a year.

I feel sorry for all the kids involved in this .

 

Lastly , his ex is still his children’s mother. He should not talk badly about her ever , not to you or anyone. They split and that’s fine. Let it go. But he should respect her purely for her mothering of his kids.

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This is all WAY too dramatic, sounds like something straight out of Jerry Springer! I also think that your boyfriend has been lying and he actually chooses to fuel the fire with his ex because he's somehow still attached to her. If she's supposedly psycho then he would not be talking to her constantly and especially not stuff like blow job or threesome. There are other guys out there whose life is not like a bad reality TV show. Why are you putting up with all this when you could find someone much more stable?

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Now that I can see it that way I definitely agree. As far as trying to reach out, my intentions were to open the lines of communication with her. I was only trying to send a peace message and tell her I wasn't the enemy. I agree it was my mistake. I am a mother too. And my ex has a live in girlfriend who is in my daughter's life and I have a very healthy, respectful relationship with her. But we put our kids first. Thats it. I guess it can't always be that way. But trust me, I don't ever want to come in between a mother and her children. I would like to add that SHE was the one who filed for divorce, and would also like to add that she is engaged to another man this whole time...So I wasn't trying to rub anything in her face, he kept begging her to leave him alone. I was simply trying to help, I didn't want to hurt anyone...I wanted to show her that I was trying to be reasonable. But I see now, that it was taken as a slight. And I would take it back if I could.

 

 

You are not looking at the big picture. This never worked, and never will. You were a rebound. That is it!

 

Please seek therapy!

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You are not looking at the big picture. This never worked, and never will. You were a rebound. That is it!

 

Please seek therapy!

 

I am in therapy now. I have my next appointment Tues.

 

I don't want to be stuck on the matters of the letter I sent. I was just validating the other mother who was angry at the idea that I reached out. I saw how it struck a nerve with her and it made me see things from "the ex-wife" perspective. I wanted to defend my intention not my action. It was a mistake to send it and a mistake to defend sending it and sometimes it helps to get called out on stuff. It doesn't assist me in becoming a better person to defend any of it. It only fuels the negativity from the past and I will let it go.

 

I recognize that I was a big part of this problem and despite the fact that he is still promising me everything, and begging me for another chance, if I stay I am not allowing him a chance to grieve his marriage or work on himself. Sometimes it is difficult to make the best decisions because when you are in the middle of it all, you cant see things from all the angles. I agree this is a toxic environment and am choosing to leave it behind.

 

I agree that I need to address why I am putting up with being treated this way. I want to address why it is so difficult to completely walk away from love whether it is real or perceived. And this isn't my first time trying to walk away from a toxic relationship. I have been mistreated by every man I have ever loved and this has been a pattern for me. I was rejected by my own father and I believe I have abandonment issues. I am sure I have some sort of unhealthy attachment style. I know my self esteem is in the toilet. But I can assure that I am in therapy and going to be taking this time out of any relationships to figure out why and how to stop it for good.

 

Thank you all for your kind advice and for taking the time to read my story. I'm glad I discovered this forum and take comfort in the support and perspective of others. I hope to keep learning and growing from all of this and becoming the best version of myself in the process.

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- He lied to you about him being divorced and He's cheating. To be a good catch, a person must have integrity.

 

- He still has divorce drama - divorces with kids can involve a lot of drama - you'll have to decide if it's worth it.

 

- He may have other problems on top of this.

 

I reluctantly agreed to talk to a counselor with him. He is seeing his own counselor and is taking an anger management course. As much as I’d like to move on, I can’t help but think about the possibilities of reconciling and possibly moving past this. Any advice?

- counseling is the only way this thing could ever work, it's way too complex. You'll have to decide whether you want to stay broken up or try to get together again.

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The very fact that he had zero boundaries when it comes to his ex should have been a reason for you to leave him. Anyone who is still having that kind of drama with an ex is NOT capable of being in a healthy relationship with someone else.

 

He's still not capable and won't be for a long while. He has lots of work to do on himself so keep yourself away from him.

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I am in therapy now. I have my next appointment Tues.

 

I don't want to be stuck on the matters of the letter I sent. I was just validating the other mother who was angry at the idea that I reached out. I saw how it struck a nerve with her and it made me see things from "the ex-wife" perspective. I wanted to defend my intention not my action. It was a mistake to send it and a mistake to defend sending it and sometimes it helps to get called out on stuff. It doesn't assist me in becoming a better person to defend any of it. It only fuels the negativity from the past and I will let it go.

 

I recognize that I was a big part of this problem and despite the fact that he is still promising me everything, and begging me for another chance, if I stay I am not allowing him a chance to grieve his marriage or work on himself. Sometimes it is difficult to make the best decisions because when you are in the middle of it all, you cant see things from all the angles. I agree this is a toxic environment and am choosing to leave it behind.

 

I agree that I need to address why I am putting up with being treated this way. I want to address why it is so difficult to completely walk away from love whether it is real or perceived. And this isn't my first time trying to walk away from a toxic relationship. I have been mistreated by every man I have ever loved and this has been a pattern for me. I was rejected by my own father and I believe I have abandonment issues. I am sure I have some sort of unhealthy attachment style. I know my self esteem is in the toilet. But I can assure that I am in therapy and going to be taking this time out of any relationships to figure out why and how to stop it for good.

 

Thank you all for your kind advice and for taking the time to read my story. I'm glad I discovered this forum and take comfort in the support and perspective of others. I hope to keep learning and growing from all of this and becoming the best version of myself in the process.

 

This was very wonderful to read.

 

Awareness is the first step to recovery and your eyes appear to be open now.

 

I know it won’t be easy, detaching with abandonment issues is flipping hard, I have them too so O by it, but awareness allows you the opportunity to step back and not continue to hurt yourself. So bravo to you, I think you will be ok.

 

Do not let him weasel his way back in sweet talk aside he’s broken, he has nothing to offer you, besides probably knocking you up too, he seems to have some healthy sperm, but unhealthy boundaries and intentions when it comes to you. I won’t even go as far as to say he’s being malicious. This is what dating websites have created now a subsection of ‘sigke’ Individuals who are coping with their issues via dating, you unfortunately ended up with one and with your own issues it was like a match made in heaven but you are a distraction for this guy, a way to avoid all the issues surrounding him, you’re a safety net, he’s incapable of giving you his whole heart, that’s not to say he never loved you or any of that again I’m not villainizing him or the ex wife or you, it’s a messed up situation and you don’t need it, broken seeks broken, he is broken and incapable of Mali f anyone happy right now, later in life sure but right now it’s literally impossible.

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