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Thread: He's been cheating with his ex-wife! Its complicated. Please help

  1. #1
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    He's been cheating with his ex-wife! Its complicated. Please help

    I met my boyfriend about a year ago on an online dating site. I was not aware that this was before his divorce was final. In the beginning, he told me he had been divorced for 2 years. Eventually, I found out the actual truth that his divorce became final after 3 weeks of us meeting. I was angry that he had lied but forgave him.

    He has 4 kids with his ex-wife. I had been patient with his attempting to co-parent with her despite some toxic patterns I was witnessing. It seemed that they were emotionally abusive at times. They couldnít seem to agree on the issues, called each other names, were constantly fighting about the kids, arguing about money and were even threatening to take each other back to court. She would call over and over again, rapidly text him like 50 times in a row and a couple of times she would show up to his home uninvited.

    I was a complete wreck not understanding why he wouldnít put a stop to it and just not engage in the drama. At one I found a desperate love letter she wrote to him, begging for him back. I found text messages from her using her sonís phone after he blocked her begging him to come back to her. I even asked him to consider reconciling with her for the kidís sake. But he claimed that she was abusive, cheated on him, and controlled him and that he could not be with her anymore, period. So, I suggested he set some strict boundaries. He agreed.

    Several months later, I picked up on the fact that he wasnít holding himself or her to the boundaries we were trying to establish. It seemed like they had reverted to some of their old habits of fighting, bickering, and threatening. I was hurt and disappointed and begged him to see that he was contributing to the drama. I was distressed by the situation and was becoming unhappy with him. It seemed like he wasnít ready to move on and was holding on to it all.

    He said was scared to lose his kids and that she accused him of letting me control him. I found messages to him from her saying that it was all my fault and that I was stopping him from having a better relationship with her for the ďkidís sake.Ē So I gently reached out to her offering my condolences to her grief and also offering my support of her children in moving forward. I suggested we all communicate openly about the kids and try to put our past emotions behind us. I also assured her that I was suggesting they set some boundaries because they seemed to fight dirty and that my involvement in the matter was to help facilitate an environment of healing and peace for everyone. I tried to reassure her that I wanted to help, not hurt anyone.

    It backfired. She lashed out telling me all the wrongs he committed to her during their marriage. She stated she believed him to be a narcissist, sociopath and a sex addict. She warned me that he was using me and was incapable of love. She also told me he was cheating on me with her by asking her for sex and threesomes. She begged me to leave him and never look back. I asked her for proof and she showed me a few screen shots of their texting. It appeared at one point he was asking her for a blow job. And at another point he was asking about a threesome. And another time it looked like he was trying to get her to engage in sexting with him.

    He admitted he did engage with inappropriate texting with her out of fear, spite and sarcasm. And he agreed that the comments he made were wrong and took full responsibility for engaging in the inappropriate behavior with her. He said sometimes she would call and harass him begging for attention and companionship. So, he would engage and talk to her about her extravagant sex life. He claims that SHE is the sex addict and narcissist and she has had over 100 partners and is constantly bragging to him about her crazy sex stories. He said the comments he was making to her were sarcastic in nature and that they were taken out of context. He claims that she deleted parts of the conversations. But canít prove anything because he deleted it all from his phone so I wouldnít find their communications. He claims she was desperate to end our relationship and he believes she set him up and that she manipulated the conversations to look a certain way.

    Regardless, I ended the relationship due to his lack of honesty with me and due to the fact that I am not 100% sure who is telling the truth here. He is desperately trying to win me back. He has given me access to his email, he installed a parental monitoring app on his phone so I can monitor his texts and phone calls. He is putting cameras in his home and even turned on the location tracker on his phone. He also cut all contact with her except for a 3rd party app called Our Family Wizard which messages are monitored by a 3rd party and cant be deleted. He has shown me their conversations and she continues to berate him and beg him to stop using the app and accuses him of trying to hurt her via the app. The app is designed to protect everyone and is recommended by the courts so its intent is to prevent malicious activity, not hurt anyone. He even served her with mediation papers and is considering getting an order of protection from her if mediation doesnít help. All of this is unprompted by me. And he states he realizes that its time to make a serious stand and stop it all.

    He seems truly remorseful for everything. He claims he just wants a normal relationship with a healthy person. I do still love him. From what I know he is a good man, he loves his children and other than the drama and secrets he kept from me about her, he treated me well. I really want to believe him but the photos she sent donít lie. I know that he needs time to grieve her and be away from her and I want to allow him that time despite the fact that he wants me to come back to him now. He is terrified he has lost me and is begging and pleading for another chance. I was humiliated and devastated. My family and friends are urging me to move on and not trust him and find someone who is more honest and has less baggage.

    I reluctantly agreed to talk to a counselor with him. He is seeing his own counselor and is taking an anger management course. As much as Iíd like to move on, I canít help but think about the possibilities of reconciling and possibly moving past this. Any advice?


    Thanks.

  2. #2
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    Even if this guy isnít a narcissist, heís just come out of a serious relationship. He wonít be ready to date for a least a while, for that you love him Get yourself away from this mess

  3. #3
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    It's not that complicated from my point of view. What you are going through right now is what life with him will be like. The relationship with his ex will likely always be volatile. They'll be at each others throats one minute and then you'll wonder if they're having an affair. At some point you have to ask yourself a very simple question: is all the drama worth it?

  4. #4
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would just be done. One year and all this insanity? No. Find someone who is stable and healthy and interested in a relationship with YOU.

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  6. #5
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    He's in the beginning stages of engaging with you the way he engages with her.

    Plus, are you sure you want to be in a relationship with a man who is capable of behaving the way he does? You certainly cannot put all the blame on her since he chose to continue to engage in this unhealthy manner. And no, it wasn't necessary to behave the way he did in order to retain access to the kids. That's what court orders are for.

    Do you want a lifetime of this drama?

  7. #6
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He's not ready to date. He's reaching out to you and panicking because he's not comfortable being alone. He needs time to heal (a lot of time). Distance yourself emotionally and physically.

    If you need to work things out, work it out with your counsellor. Put your heart and soul into those sessions so that you can stop going to them eventually. It's eventually a crutch you're going to have to break free from. Get back on your feet and start rebuilding your life away from this and don't ever carry this as a chip on your shoulder. Don't be afraid. Move on.

  8. #7
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    This has been a disaster from the start. You should have bolted when he lied to you about the divorce.

    He is still not over her. Get away from these toxic people. I fee for the kids.

    You should also address why you got/stayed involved in this mess.

  9. #8
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    Give his ex my number. I've been known to be attracted to cray cray.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. You did the right thing ending this. The deceit and manipulation would spell nothing but heartache in the future. Do not go to counseling. He won't change and you can't fix him. He was dishonest from the get-go.
    Originally Posted by Amarie21
    I ended the relationship due to his lack of honesty

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    This has been a disaster from the start. You should have bolted when he lied to you about the divorce.

    He is still not over her. Get away from these toxic people. I fee for the kids.

    You should also address why you got/stayed involved in this mess.
    Agree with this especially addressing why you continued.

    This is textbook.

    He is rebounding with you.

    Youíre an emotional safety net and I actually agree with the ex wife your presence is hindering them working through their divorce.

    Itís unhealthy, itís toxic and thereís unfinished business.... why would you want to be in the center of that? Why would you find a man desperate to not be alone attractive?

    You should probably seek therapy yourself. This situation is a flaming pile of you know what and youíre an active and willing participant..

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