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Thread: Some one Please HELP me :(

  1. #1

    Some one Please HELP me :(

    Hello first of all I want to say thank you so much for spending your time to read my post ... Iím really depressed and stress out . I donít have many friends that I can reach too . and Iím hoping getting advise from people here

    My name is Elle Iím 25 years old
    Iím originally from Asia, I lived on and off United states for the past 9 years
    The reason why I moved to United States is because of school. I obtain 2 degrees from 2010 to 2016 .

    When I moved to USA in 2017 i was 17 years old . I never had a boyfriend before and Iím a virgin. Beeing gay in my country is illegal and you could go to jail for that . Some when I first moved to USA I finally can experience freedom and realize that itís ok to love a person that is same sex. Finally after 17 years I can be my self.

    My first boyfriend seems verry loving and caring . He is so much older than me at that time . He is 43 years old and I was 17 . The first couple months is extremely beautiful and I never feel love like that in my entire life. I trust him 1000 percent . The fact I loose my virginity with him for the first time makes me feel I can trust him even more and give my self fully.

    Long story short , I start to notice things changed over time with him . Especially after 3 months he convinced me to move in with him and leave all my friend behind for some reason .
    My life start to fall apart ... he start to become verry dominant , aggressive and also abusive ( mentally and physically ) I received many sexual abuse from him to the point I think I want to kill my self. There is many times I have to go to Walgreens to find medecine from bruises and cut because he punch me. He extremely manipulative too because after he punch me the next day he will be the nicest person and verry loving person .
    At that time I really confused and I still love him because he told me he could go into a lot of trouble if I ask for help.
    He also asked me for money too multiple times and ask me to contribute every month for 700 usd.
    After almost 2 years in hell i finally able to get away from him. Before I left he threatened me to blackmailing me and show our picture to my family .
    When I left ... he really did , he sent pictures to my parents back in Indonesia .

    At that time as a young innocent teenager boy I was destroyed to the core . I become almost crazy because of it and since then I have a trust issue with people because of this experience .
    The person that I loved the most hurt me to the core .

    Now in 2019 I finally fall very deeply I love again with another man .
    I was traveling to los angles back in 2018 and I was planning to just visit los angles . And then I meet with this one guy letís called him madd and he is 43 years old . I meet him in gay dating site that supposed to be only for hook up , I didnít know I will meet a great men in those site.

    Because of my past experience getting used and hurt I become verry close person . I even didnít want to tell my real name when we first meet because I donít know him. On the first date we shared so many things I also told him about my past how I get abused a lot by the person that I loved the most.

    He also tell his story how he get cheated on before by his ex wife because she want to work as a stripper in Las Vegas and they have long distance relationship . He is so mad because he feels like his ex wife value money over his relationship and long distance relationship caused her to cheat on him and choose another man beside him. So madd also have a really dark and scar experience.

    We bond so much trough our experience and I started to trust him a little bit by little bit but because of what happen with me before I cannot trust him 100 percent at that time yet . Because I went to a horrific experience before from trusting a man .

    The problem start to occur in febuary when I feel verry comfortable with him and start trusting him fully . I tell him a lot of things about my life and my family situation . The response that I get is anger and blaim.

    My family situation requires me to stay full time in Indonesia but because I love him so much I try to make my life 50/50. Live half of the time in USA and Indonesia.

    Because of he have bad experience with long distance relationship , he told me that he will never be with some one who live away from him and I tottaly understand that. He wants me to live 100 percent with him and for me to be honest to my parents.

    What he want is 2 things

    1. To me to be open with my family about our relationship

    2 to live with him full time because he had a traumatized experience with long distance relationship .

    I try to explain to him that

    1. My parents is super religious and they live in a place where beeing gay is illegal for their whole life . So if they find out it will hurt them a lot

    I feel like Iím a disappointment for my parents and the last thing I want to do is to hurt them .

    Iím ok if I do things that hurt me but I donít want to do things that can hurt my parents. They even told me they donít want to know anything about my lifestyle in USA .

    I used to blaim my parents for not accepting me but as I grow up I learn that they just grow up in a different era.

    Madd wants me to be fully open about our relationship to my family but I told him many times it will destroy my family and it will hurt my parents a lot.

    I just confused if he love me why he wants me to do something that could destroy my relationship with my family.

    Eventoughy family didnít accept that Iím gay but Iím still very close to my family and I donít want to do that .

    2. After hearing his story and his concern about long distance relationship I decided to change my life plan because I love him so much eventough Iím sacrificing a lot of things in my life including my future

    And I believe my sacrifice is worth because he is wonderful person.
    I decided to switch my plan by living 50/50 to 80/20 which mean I will live mostly in USA and come home once in a while .

    I told h just give me 2 months every year to see my family and take care somethings .

    The problem is he donít want that either . He think if itís not 100 percent itís mean I donít want to live fully with him .

    He keep mentioning how he wants to be with someone that live with him 100 percent .

    But my situation is verry difficult because all of my family and business is in Indonesia.

    And he always blaiming me why I didnít tell him about my situation on the first place because he definitely wonít agree with it.

    I apologize multiple time , I know Iím wrong but I try to explain to him the reason why I canít be open 100 percent with him . I had a really horrible past in trusting people and end up getting hurt most of the time . I beg for his forgiveness but it seems like he never move on .

    Theron issue here
    There is a lot of thing in my life that I cahange because I love him so much , Iím not a perfect person I make mistake too but I always learn from my mistake and becoming a better person every single day. Everything that he want me to change I did it for him .

    But why he canít love me the way I love him , he still insist that I have to live full time with him and he wonít accept if I go back for 2 months in a year to see my family because he thinks itís not a full time relationship .

    Guys I give up so much thing in my life for him , I wasnít supposed to stay in los angles now and I ditch my work back home for him too . I loose around 6000 USd per month for staying with him and do nothing at his house and i donít care at all about that. Me going back home itís not about money at all I just want to see my family .

    I actually donít want to mention about my sacrifice that I make for our relationship because I donít like to brag about things that I do for the person I love , but sometimes when we argue about things thing I really want him to know the pressure that I got because he keep blaiming me for not telling him my situation erlier.

    Thatís the another problem he think Iím ashame because I donít want to bring him to my family . I told him multiple time itís not that I ashame but itís just my parents will have a hearth attack probably if they find out about him .
    Especially back in 2012 when my first ex black mailing my parents they also extremely traumatized for old gay guy using me .

    He is a verry loving and loyal and kind but Iím just really sad because of his past experience he couldnít accept my situation.

    I really love him guys what should I do
    Please help me

    He just want everything planned the way he wants but I told him when youíre in relationship 2 people become one which mean we both need to understand and work things together because every single human in this world have their own life experience .

  2. #2
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Hi there.

    I'm really sorry for what you went through with your previous relationship. My heart breaks for you. You never should have had to go through that.

    Now, with your current boyfriend. Everyone has certain dealbreakers, things you HAVE to have in a relationship, and everything else is something you discuss with the person you love and come to a compromise.

    It seems that telling your family and living with him full-time are his dealbreakers. However, the reality is that it conflicts with what you want - you not wanting to tell your family and wanting to visit your home country once in a while (which seem like your dealbreakers). And normally, I would understand why your boyfriend would want you to tell your family, but your situation is unique. Both you and your family endured a traumatic situation with the blackmailing from your jerk ex-boyfriend.

    I want you to think about how important your own "dealbreakers" are. If they absolutely that important - and I suspect they are - then sadly enough, you may have to let this guy go. You should not have to be pressured to take certain steps you are not comfortable with. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, but maybe he just isn't right for you. At least not right now.

    I mean the whole fact that it's hard for your family to accept your orientation is not really the issue. I can understand how it is to have parents from an older generation from a different country where people are not as free as they are here. Especially since your family specifically said they don't wish to know about your life in the USA. All this makes me feel like you don't have to tell them. It is *your* family and *your* decision.

    Honestly, I've learned in my own life that love is not always enough. You can love people without a relationship just not working out. It's a shame for sure, but it happens to all of us. Don't apologize to him for not giving into his dealbreakers. This is part of who you are, and one day you will meet a man who will understand that.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    I am so sorry to hear what your ex did to you and how horribly he abused you! Have you received any therapy to deal with what happened? I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I think that you and your boyfriend are not compatible. I know you love him but your life circumstances just don't match what be wants and he's not willing to compromise.

    On the one hand I feel like he could try to be more understanding of your situation because even if you were straight, it's understandable that you would want to visit your family in another country. Indonesia is quite far from the US and literally all your family are over there. So I think it does make sense to go there for 1-2 months at a time because otherwise the time and money is not worth it. Of course your boyfriend would miss you but I think the main problem here is that he doesn't trust you. He thinks that because a LDR didn't work out in the past that it's not going to work out with you either. I'm sure nobody is that thrilled about their partner going away for two months a year but you have special circumstances as to why you need to do that.

    On the other hand though, I can also understand that being introduced to partner's family can be very important to some people. It seems to me that your boyfriend may be looking for a "settle down" kind of relationship because he wants you to be fully committed to him and to live together. I imagine it doesn't feel that good to spend the rest of your life with a partner where you would never be introduced to their family and be kept a secret. If you decided to get married in future, your parents probably can't even come to the wedding. Also you can't hide your boyfriend forever because they will probably find out eventually through social media or some other way. I think your boyfriend knows that by being with him you have to choose between him and your family and that's a very big thing to have to deal with.

    I understand the difficult position you're in but the other thing too is that it may not be possible to hide that you're gay from your parents. Let's say if they want to visit you in LA and stay at your house. Then are you supposed to just hide your boyfriend if you live with him? That kind of thing does hurt.

    Anyway, above everything, if your boyfriend simply refuses to compromise then you will have to end the relationship. Because your only choice is to not see your family every year or to not be with your boyfriend because he's not letting you do what you want.

  4. 04-17-2019, 10:38 AM

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