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End of the Affair


AquaFire

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7 years long, year long break up in between, and now it's over. Both married. His marriage is good, mine has challenges. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, even though he's the one that literally walked away with no explanation more then that he needed a break and threatened me to back off as I contacted his wife as a test to see how he actually felt about me. Lol. He flipped out and ended it. What's interesting is I'm actually okay. I don't feel hurt this time. It's almost like he showed his true side and I know I'm better than being a side chick. He was the only man I've ever slept with besides my husband and I guess I've grown from the experience. I have no desire to ever go outside my marriage again. I'm not happy in my marriage and neither is my husband but both in my husband's affair and mine, we found we'd rather step off the crazy train of having a side person involved in our marriage and just live drama free, so to speak. For those of you who have been an affair partner, did you feel relieved when it was done?

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Say what?

 

I had to read it a few times...please let me know if Im correct...

 

You were having a 7 year long affair with a married man, hes happily married you are not...

 

To 'test how he truly felt about you' (AKA, to get him to choose you) you went and told his wife.

 

He chose his wife.

 

This made you discover you are 'better than a side chick' although you arent a side chick but rather a willing participant in an affair that betrayed both of your spouses...

 

You're relieved the man you were sleeping with for 7 years chose his wife over you...

 

You and your husband recognize you're unhappy and cheat on one another but decided to take a cheating break...

 

Did I read that right?

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He showed his "true side" when he decided to cheat on his wife. Contacting her serves no purpose other than a woman scorned. After all this, you and your marriage are still not happy.

I contacted his wife as a test to see how he actually felt about me.

It's almost like he showed his true side

I'm not happy in my marriage and neither is my husband but both in my husband's affair and mine.

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Nope, don't feel like a woman scorned. That was not why I sent her a msg. I feel like I won the lottery. Lol. Him walking away was the best thing that ever happened. I sent the msg to his wife to see how he felt because he had been treating everyone in his life extremely poorly in the past year. I heard him snap at his 13 year old son numerous times and he was treating his department employees with no respect. He was constantly irritable.

I could see a huge change in him from who he was in previous years. This was the safest way for me to exit the situation. As long as he felt he was in control of the decision, I could get out. I believe he's become a sociopath.

As stated, I'm looking for people who have also felt relief after their affair ended. Is it typical to have felt in danger and unsafe?

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Nope, don't feel like a woman scorned. That was not why I sent her a msg. I feel like I won the lottery. Lol. Him walking away was the best thing that ever happened. I sent the msg to his wife to see how he felt because he had been treating everyone in his life extremely poorly in the past year. I heard him snap at his 13 year old son numerous times and he was treating his department employees with no respect. He was constantly irritable.

I could see a huge change in him from who he was in previous years. This was the safest way for me to exit the situation. As long as he felt he was in control of the decision, I could get out. I believe he's become a sociopath.

As stated, I'm looking for people who have also felt relief after their affair ended. Is it typical to have felt in danger and unsafe?

 

Girl... you literally not even on a different page just gave us a completely different story, one where you say you did it to see how he actually felt about you. Now you feared for your life? I’ve been choked until I lost consciousness, as a child and an adult. That’s feeling in danger and unsafe, don’t insult the many survivors who are on this forum and compare it to your bad choices.

 

You’re in pain and mourning... it was 7 years of your life... it’s ok to be hurt by all this, stop with the #nofeelings bull, he’s not a sociopath, he’s a cheater and a liar. Just like you, the only difference is he didn’t want to leave his wife, which doesn’t take a rocket scientist, that’s where your turmoil lies...

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Do you and your partner have an open relationship? I can't imagine a man that would not have a clue for 7 years. If its not an open relationship then you two must be so out of touch with one another that he didn't notice how preoccupied and indifferent to your relationship with him has been? If that's the case, how sad that instead of leaving one another, you choose to be someone's side piece.

 

I wonder why you don't ask: "For those who have had less than subpar marriages were you relieved when it was over" rather then the one you asked in your opening post.

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No, I never betrayed MY spouse. He was aware of the om being in my life from the start. However, my ex mm chose to keep it a secret from his wife, which was his choice.

 

So its an open relationship and there was no cheating on your part. My question now is why would you hook up with a cheater and help him betray a fellow sista? Why not find another guy in an open relationship and avoid the drama. You threatening to tell his wife is "rich" considering the hypocrisy and your choice to get involved with a cheater.

 

So: Why help someone to cheat?

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Never saw it as cheating. Just fell in love with him. That sort of thing. Lol. Yeah, you're right, didn't really think about how it may have been interpreted. I didn't think it through. Wasn't intending it to bother her and he did call now and say she wasn't upset by it, so that's good. He explained the reason he's done "has nothing to do with his wife as he said he doesn't love her but he feared she would tell him to leave which would prevent him from seeing his kids." So he's pissed because it could have forced him to leave his kids.

Rethinking it and I probably should have just of let him get bored and end it that way. Haha.Oh well.

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He explained the reason he's done "has nothing to do with his wife as he said he doesn't love her but he feared she would tell him to leave which would prevent him from seeing his kids." So he's pissed because it could have forced him to leave his kids.
Such BS. In this day and age of divorced parents, there is no way she would be able to keep him away from his kids.

 

To be honest, it sounds like you stopped being a stress free booty call and so he called an end to it.

 

Next time you're ready to step out, make sure the dude isn't just a cheating turd and has an arrangement similar to your own marriage agreement.

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No, he was showing signs this past year, LONG before the end. Not all women feel scorned after a break up. I feel THANKFUL that he walked. Again, wondering if there are other people who have found relief in the ending of a long term affair.

 

I’m sure there are, every person has a different life experience. Have you heard of confirmation bias? It’s a need to be validated because you don’t feel strongly about a mindset you want to have so you need others to confirm it for you.

 

so denial is not just a river in Egypt

 

No it is not.

 

Never saw it as cheating. Just fell in love with him. That sort of thing. Lol. Yeah, you're right, didn't really think about how it may have been interpreted. I didn't think it through. Wasn't intending it to bother her and he did call now and say she wasn't upset by it, so that's good. He explained the reason he's done "has nothing to do with his wife as he said he doesn't love her but he feared she would tell him to leave which would prevent him from seeing his kids." So he's pissed because it could have forced him to leave his kids.

Rethinking it and I probably should have just of let him get bored and end it that way. Haha.Oh well.

 

He’s lying to you and any #nofeelings individual would see that clear as day. You fell in love which you admit, I doubt your husband would be ok with that, I’ve never been in an open relationship but I’m almost positive falling in love is a BIG no no, so acting as if this is all normal is well kinda sorta insulting.

 

Like another poster asked why aren’t you asking a real question about what you’re actually going through?

 

You can’t be happy and content with the way things are. I’m not saying people don’t have happy open marriages, I know they do but again with all the rule breaking, the bad marriage, the partner who’s cheating, the accusations of mental issues, it’s all too much what’s going on with you? That’s where the true issue lies and when you start to crack that code you’ll begin to feel better a whole lot faster than some random people online telling you “ yeah girl, I was so happy when my affair ended...’ that will temporarily soothe you for maybe half a day? If that. Facing the messiness of your romantic life? Lifetime solution! Try it.

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I am not married, but am in a long-term relationship with a man who has consisently cheated and always said, "What you don't know can't hurt you." The problem is that it can, and often you end up knowing eventually. I think that the relief of an affair ending lies with the same honesty in which you rendered the pleasure in the first place. Affairs are based on something feeling good, and not on the future consequences; so when reality starts to set in, it's frankly just not fun anymore, as the purpose of it was to break from reality.

 

My mother (married 30+ yrs) was in an affair with a man in the city I live in, and would use visiting me as an excuse to go see him! She told me about it once it was over, and it had deeply damaged her marriage. I would have to agree with the "what you don't know can't hurt you" here, as I'd had my suspicions, but really wish she'd never told me. Affairs hurt kids. They hurt families. A husband and wife unit is a family that is built on love and trust. An affair is built on something completely different, and although it may feel separate, is very often really a damning reflection of your own family unit and marriage.

 

If it is an affair that you are not lying about and your spouse is aware of, that's a different animal, and is approaching an open marriage. This, I'd imagine, would be much easier to get over, as it doesn't compromise your trust relationship with your spouse.

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Never saw it as cheating. Just fell in love with him. That sort of thing. Lol.

Yes you did. You made a conscious choice. You prioritised your own needs over his wife's and your husband's..

 

 

People don't "become sociopaths" when we break up with them, however every angry scorned person's ex is either a sociopath, narcissist or psycho.

So true. You only realised you didn't really love her after she threw the ring in your face :)

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  • 1 month later...

Does you husband know of you dishonesties within your marriage? If not how can you just rug sweep it? You have to tell him and the MM betrayed spouse as well. No one can threaten you for being truthful. Your husband has to be told as you can’t keep this a secret for ever. Be honest and you may be able to save your marriage. But a seven year affair sound like you left it but didn’t tell husband of this. If it was Reversed and you found out how could you face him without the hurt. He already suspects you of cheating now you just keep your head in the sand. Please be a nice person

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