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I made a huge mistake


melonbear

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Please help. I'm going to break it off monday, I think.

 

So I was in a 4 year relationship with "Dean". I'm young, I'm changing, I got scared, I was confused, everything was so serious. I broke it off. He still wants to be with me.

 

During our time apart, 3 months now, I'd been talking with a coworker you I really like, lets call him Jess. We'd been texting and i really really loved talking to him, made me smile, made me happy just to see him at work. I quit my job but we kept texting, until he ghosted me.

 

With the breakup and my grandpa dying and bunch of stuff, I was vulnerable. I decided I needed closure and went to see him to understand why he had chosen to ignoring me instead of straight up telling me he didnt like me or whatever. turns out it was all a big misunderstanding and he really liked me all along.

 

One thing led to another, and now Jess and I see each other weekly. during the span of a month, hes fallen deeply and madly in love with me for god knows what reason, and he says im the first girl hes ever loved and all. We kiss and hug, but nothing more, btw.

 

Thing is, I'm so not ready for a big relationship, and I still love Dean. This time apart with him made me realize that hes really the one for me, and I want back in, if he'll have me.

 

I really like Jess, i enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. I had a crush, and really didnt expect it would turn out this way with him. I dont picture a future with him, and need to break it off (btw never told him i wanted to be his gf, he just assumed and is being really cligny and pushy for some time now) before he gets even more hurt.

 

I really cant stand the thought of hurting Jess, hes a really good guy and I feel like its all my fault because he started liking me ever since i went to see him after hed been 'ghosting' me, which was a mistake on my part.

 

I feel guilty and broken up about Dean and I really want him back, but Jess is really being intense and I have no idea how to end it, as it all started so weird and fast.

 

Please, I really need help.

-Melon, the guilty wh*re.

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For what I have seen you need to break it off. You don’t see a future with him and it seems like you regret breaking up with Dean. You need to look at what broke you guys up in the first place and see if you have changed or he has changed to make things better. If you really want to be with Dean you need to break it off with Jess. You still love Dean so you shouldn’t be with Jess anymore and should have no relations. I’m sure he’s a great guy but it seems like something is missing and maybe you haven’t gotten over Dean fully yet. My perspective you need to see if Dean changed and you have changed. See if you still have that connection with Dean. I think you should do what your gut tells you.

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End it with Jess and stay still. Don't clamour to get back with Dean. You'll need time to clear your head and at least a few weeks to let the dust settle. Make any decisions after that. You're putting too much pressure on yourself right now. This never bodes well. I'm suspecting that the unrequited/onesided relationship with Jess is just pushing you to another direction and neither men are good options for you. The only thing that has to stop right now is the deception with Jess. End that and slow down.

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Partly, I suppose, though i hate admitting it to myself. I'd been going through a hard time for months prior, and Dean wasnt helping much with it, then Jess came along and made me happy, i guess. I honestly dont know anymore

 

Then you going back to Dean would be cruel. You left him because someone else was showing you attention. Clearly Dean is not the man for you and you're just going through a 'fear of being alone' stage.

 

I'm young, I'm changing, I got scared, I was confused,
and you are still all of those things. Nothing has changed.

 

Take some single time to yourself and learn to enjoy being you and not just someone's partner.

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You're right Rose. I'm just afraid that if i dont act fast, I'll lose Dean forever. theres so much pressure.

 

And herein lies the problem... if someone is meant to be for you you'll eventually find your way back to each other. Be patient and practice more stillness. You've been moving too fast and even Dean(if he has half a mind) will be suspicious about your intentions. I think you need time to stop where you are, stop putting yourself in this position dating Jess and experience being single for awhile. Dean may not be the same person and he may be resentful of the way you treated him, he may distrust you and treat you differently. Think more clearly. End the relationship with Jess, wait for awhile and then see how Dean is doing as a person.

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Thatwasthen, yeah, i do feel like an attention wh*re. I have been wanting to be alone for awhile. I just dont want to make Dean wait anymore, and am scared the future with him I've always wanted. I'm just so stupid. thank you, youre right, I havent changed.

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You're young and confused, as you yourself said.

 

That's awareness—great. Now comes the harder step—using awareness to evolve.

 

What you're doing with both these guys? You're kind of giving yourself permission to just be "young and confused" rather than challenging yourself to grow up and become stable on your own. What you are calling "guilt about hurting them" is actually you rationalizing your own self-interests, which is not losing either as a source of attention.

 

You're allowing your emotional center to be outsourced to others. First Dean, but when Dean didn't make you happy but Jess did—well, then it was Jess. Now that Jess isn't striking the flame, Dean is the answer.

 

It's a passive mode of living, and many people go their whole lives living this way, pretending their feelings are so "crazy" that they just "don't know what to do." In "never wanting to hurt" someone they end up hurting a lot of people—Deans, Jesses, themselves. Because nothing hurts more than dishonesty.

 

What you need to do is actually very simple, if hard.

 

You cut things off with Jess. His "intensity" is not an excuse, but one you're creating in your mind because you're comfortable being "young and confused." He will survive just fine.

 

Then you do not reach out to Dean, not right away.

 

You do the thing you're most scared to do, which is sit still. Feel lonely, feel confused, but don't react to that by reaching out to either dude for soothing. Just feel it. You will survive that just fine. In fact, in surviving it you will access a certain power that is right there inside you, right now. The power to center yourself.

 

And, with that, you will feel a little less young, a little less confused, and better all around.

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Thatwasthen, yeah, i do feel like an attention wh*re. I have been wanting to be alone for awhile. I just dont want to make Dean wait anymore, and am scared the future with him I've always wanted. I'm just so stupid. thank you, youre right, I havent changed.

 

It's all a part of growing up but what BlueCastle has told you is gold so take what he said to heart and grow as you remain single and learn about you and how great you are. A guy in your life is just the icing on an already nicely baked cake.

 

Let Dean know that you're not ready to be in a relationship, don't keep in contact with him or you'll not grow in the least. You will find each other when you're ready if it turns out he's the one you should be with.

 

You're going to be just fine as your 'cake' is baking nicely! :D

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Thanks Thatwasthen, this whole thing has just made me feel like I'm a horrible person who doesnt deserve anyone. You know, i think my attention issues might be because I don't have any friends (struggles with mental health and generally being lazy). Dean doesnt have any good friends either, and i felt like we only had each other in the world and it was suffocating me. This forum has really helped clear that up for me

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ThatwasThen, I've had in the past, but they kept pushing meds on me and I came to distrust(though i know all mental health professionals are different) them. I just started having suicidal thoughts again in october, and then came all this jess/dean thing and it's just been a huge mess.

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Real talk, real quick?

 

You are so, so not a horrible person. Seriously. So observe that thought for a quick moment and let it fade out.

 

You're young, you like attention, you're human.

 

I'm not so young—but not so old!—and I like attention too. Especially from the opposite sex. Because, like you, I am human.

 

That "horrible" feeling is just your authentic spirit tapping you on the shoulder, letting you know something like: Hey, melon? Let's take a break from this attention cycle for a second because it's not making anyone feel good.

 

It's hard, weird as it sounds, to stop certain behavior that makes us feel horrible. Like eating junk food, say. Because it's good! Except it makes us feel bad! So we take a break from it, eat some salads, so we can enjoy candy responsibly, rather than in ways that make us feel horrible.

 

Make sense?

 

You're awesome, melon. Takes a lot to post on here, and to be open to advice as you are.

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Youre so kind and intelligent, bluecastle. I'm really taking your advice to heart. The junk food analogy made a lot of sense! I had never thought of it that way. Its difficult to navigate relationships, ive always had struggles ever since my first love killed himself when i was 14, and its just been hard to navigate love since then, as i imagine it is for a lot of people. I cant thank you enough for your words, really helps.

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ThatwasThen, I've had in the past, but they kept pushing meds on me and I came to distrust(though i know all mental health professionals are different) them. I just started having suicidal thoughts again in october, and then came all this jess/dean thing and it's just been a huge mess.

 

Start making you your most important investment. Please go back to a therapist that you can trust as having your best interests at heart. A psychologist cannot prescribe meds (only a psychiatrist or a medical doctor can do that). Perhaps you just haven't found a professional that you gel with? Try again and get yourself settled and angst/anxiety free. Your new found confidence will be your guide to choosing a healthy, functional path going forward.

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Youre so kind and intelligent, bluecastle. I'm really taking your advice to heart. The junk food analogy made a lot of sense! I had never thought of it that way. Its difficult to navigate relationships, ive always had struggles ever since my first love killed himself when i was 14, and its just been hard to navigate love since then, as i imagine it is for a lot of people. I cant thank you enough for your words, really helps.

 

So very sorry to hear about that. Digital hugs!

 

But with those hugs? Well, that is A LOT to go through, for anyone, but especially when you're just starting to wade your toes into the always strange waters of love.

 

Do you have someone you can talk to, a professional?

 

I've been through a lot myself, and plenty of that has gotten in the way of relationships, or has gotten me into some confusing ones. Life. Happens. Therapists have been great at helping me see it all a little more clearly, so I can feel it more clearly, too, if that makes sense. Basically so I can give myself a big hug, when needed, instead of needing hugs from others.

 

Much as I love those too, of course.

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