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Thread: I made a huge mistake

  1. #11
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    Rose, thank you. youre really smart. I think I'm just feeling too much guilt about hurting both of them.

  2. #12
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    Thatwasthen, yeah, i do feel like an attention wh*re. I have been wanting to be alone for awhile. I just dont want to make Dean wait anymore, and am scared the future with him I've always wanted. I'm just so stupid. thank you, youre right, I havent changed.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You're young and confused, as you yourself said.

    That's awareness—great. Now comes the harder step—using awareness to evolve.

    What you're doing with both these guys? You're kind of giving yourself permission to just be "young and confused" rather than challenging yourself to grow up and become stable on your own. What you are calling "guilt about hurting them" is actually you rationalizing your own self-interests, which is not losing either as a source of attention.

    You're allowing your emotional center to be outsourced to others. First Dean, but when Dean didn't make you happy but Jess did—well, then it was Jess. Now that Jess isn't striking the flame, Dean is the answer.

    It's a passive mode of living, and many people go their whole lives living this way, pretending their feelings are so "crazy" that they just "don't know what to do." In "never wanting to hurt" someone they end up hurting a lot of people—Deans, Jesses, themselves. Because nothing hurts more than dishonesty.

    What you need to do is actually very simple, if hard.

    You cut things off with Jess. His "intensity" is not an excuse, but one you're creating in your mind because you're comfortable being "young and confused." He will survive just fine.

    Then you do not reach out to Dean, not right away.

    You do the thing you're most scared to do, which is sit still. Feel lonely, feel confused, but don't react to that by reaching out to either dude for soothing. Just feel it. You will survive that just fine. In fact, in surviving it you will access a certain power that is right there inside you, right now. The power to center yourself.

    And, with that, you will feel a little less young, a little less confused, and better all around.

  4. #14
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    Thank you.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melonbear
    Thatwasthen, yeah, i do feel like an attention wh*re. I have been wanting to be alone for awhile. I just dont want to make Dean wait anymore, and am scared the future with him I've always wanted. I'm just so stupid. thank you, youre right, I havent changed.
    It's all a part of growing up but what BlueCastle has told you is gold so take what he said to heart and grow as you remain single and learn about you and how great you are. A guy in your life is just the icing on an already nicely baked cake.

    Let Dean know that you're not ready to be in a relationship, don't keep in contact with him or you'll not grow in the least. You will find each other when you're ready if it turns out he's the one you should be with.

    You're going to be just fine as your 'cake' is baking nicely!

  7. #16
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    Thanks Thatwasthen, this whole thing has just made me feel like I'm a horrible person who doesnt deserve anyone. You know, i think my attention issues might be because I don't have any friends (struggles with mental health and generally being lazy). Dean doesnt have any good friends either, and i felt like we only had each other in the world and it was suffocating me. This forum has really helped clear that up for me

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Are you getting professional help for your struggles, melon?

  9. #18
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    ThatwasThen, I've had in the past, but they kept pushing meds on me and I came to distrust(though i know all mental health professionals are different) them. I just started having suicidal thoughts again in october, and then came all this jess/dean thing and it's just been a huge mess.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Real talk, real quick?

    You are so, so not a horrible person. Seriously. So observe that thought for a quick moment and let it fade out.

    You're young, you like attention, you're human.

    I'm not so young—but not so old!—and I like attention too. Especially from the opposite sex. Because, like you, I am human.

    That "horrible" feeling is just your authentic spirit tapping you on the shoulder, letting you know something like: Hey, melon? Let's take a break from this attention cycle for a second because it's not making anyone feel good.

    It's hard, weird as it sounds, to stop certain behavior that makes us feel horrible. Like eating junk food, say. Because it's good! Except it makes us feel bad! So we take a break from it, eat some salads, so we can enjoy candy responsibly, rather than in ways that make us feel horrible.

    Make sense?

    You're awesome, melon. Takes a lot to post on here, and to be open to advice as you are.

  11. #20
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    Youre so kind and intelligent, bluecastle. I'm really taking your advice to heart. The junk food analogy made a lot of sense! I had never thought of it that way. Its difficult to navigate relationships, ive always had struggles ever since my first love killed himself when i was 14, and its just been hard to navigate love since then, as i imagine it is for a lot of people. I cant thank you enough for your words, really helps.

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