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Help Needed; TRYING TO WALK AWAY


crazytrain21

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Hello, to put it simple.....I’m a MW in an affair with a man who is in a committed relationship.

 

You know how it goes....great connection, great chemistry, major attraction....blah blah blah. We have only been intimate once and went NC but all through that time, we make deep eye contact (we work at the same place). We were forced to interact the other day, and there we go again. He texted me. We small talked. I ended up being invited over, but said I couldn’t due to having plans, we texted for several hours just talking and talking about meeting the next day, but neither of us contacted each other to “seal the deal”.

 

I think he and I are both trying to walk away and always derail and while I want it to happen again so badly, I don’t.

 

Please help. How do I stay strong and keep it from happening again? I’m so emotionally drained from this stupid thing, and yes, I know it’s my own darn fault. I’m an idiot. 😔

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Imagine what it will be like when your husband and the other guy's girlfriend find out you two had sex.

 

Think about the consequences you both will face. Think about the way your husband, children (if you have any) and your in-laws will look at you.

 

If losing everything appeals to you, go ahead and indulge your lust!

 

Otherwise, delete his number, block him from any and all means to communicate with you and keep work about work.

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A quick way to end it would be to make contact with his significant other. You don't need to be mean to her. Just one text saying something along the lines of his involvement with you. Then be done. It's only fair for his significant other to know who really is so she can decide if she wants to continue to be deceived. He'll immediately end it with you as he'll feel you betrayed him but it's absolutely the moral thing to do. Good luck and you are doing the right thing by ending it.

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Please do not involve his partner, who in turn will contact your husband. You need to hone your personal and romantic relationship boundaries that will keep you faithful. You forgot your own moral code for a turd that would help you to cheat and vice versa.

 

You are putting your tawdry "connection" up on pedestal when it should be put back in the gutter where it belongs.

 

I think what will help you with your boundaries is to stop all contact (even get another job if that's what it takes) and then sitting down with your husband and talking about what you believe is missing in your marriage that would make you forget your vows. If marriage counselling will get both of you to be honest with one another so that you can learn how to get back the passion in your relationship then get yourselves an appointment and get yourselves back on track.

 

Put a wall up to this other man and take back your personal power from him.

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No I don't know "how it goes" when it comes to choosing to act on feelings of attraction in that situation. The whole problem here is with "trying." In this particular situation there is either doing or not doing. Trying is irrelevant. I'm sorry it's hard for you. Maybe tell yourself that you have the memories of the great sex and of course it really couldn't go anywhere. How do you stay strong? By doing it -blocking him and going cold turkey.

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It doesn't "go." It doesn't "happen." It's something you do. Putting another guy's junk in your vagina isn't the coital equivalent to a rainy day at the beach.

 

I think you're willing to sneak in an admission of guilt in at the very end for the sake of avoiding or minimizing any ridicule, but insofar as it being a genuine ownership of responsibility? Yeah, no. Not buying it for a second. Pretty much everything else you wrote employs passive rhetoric, painting yourself a mere victim of circumstance. And thing is, I don't think you've actually fooled yourself. It's just a good excuse if, or more likely when it happens again.

 

Step one is acting like even the most base level adult and taking responsibility for your actions. Acknowledge that the only way it happens is by you making it happen. Fortunately, I'm not your husband, so it's no real skin off my back whether or not you choose to put on your big girl pants, but I hope you will.

 

Yes, get counseling for your marriage. However, I will buck against the notion that anything lacking in your marriage driving you to forget your vows. I'd normally chalk it up to semantics as I know what TWT meant by it, but in your case, I can near guarantee the intention would be lost and you'd be more than happy to have an extra excuse for the collection . Any number of things can justifiably leave you feeling unhappy and which could be considered causal. Whether one chooses the route of infidelity from there is entirely independent of that.

 

Beyond any of that and any other advice anyone may offer you here, it's ultimately on you whether you want to start acting decent.

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Life isn't black and white, so no judgement from me.

 

Temptation will always show up and it's human nature to entertain the idea. But you chose to act on it. Why?

 

You want to end the affair, but let's be realistic: working alongside him or even just seeing him at work everyday is going to make ending the affair almost impossible. What's left: to run as far away as possible from temptation.

 

Putting it in practical terms: find a new job or ask to be moved to another division if the company is big. Drastic suggestions, I know.

 

In the meantime, block his contact details and erase them (phone number, social media, etc.). Do not address him at work unless you have to and it's directly about work. Additionally, consider attending therapy or counselling.

 

Wishing you the best!

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Putting it in practical terms: find a new job or ask to be moved to another division if the company is big.

 

I think this is your best option. Seriously. You've crossed the line already so there is very little else to stop you from doing it again. Especially when the temptation is so high.

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Life isn't black and white, so no judgement from me.

 

Temptation will always show up and it's human nature to entertain the idea. But you chose to act on it. Why?

 

You want to end the affair, but let's be realistic: working alongside him or even just seeing him at work everyday is going to make ending the affair almost impossible. What's left: to run as far away as possible from temptation.

 

Putting it in practical terms: find a new job or ask to be moved to another division if the company is big. Drastic suggestions, I know.

 

In the meantime, block his contact details and erase them (phone number, social media, etc.). Do not address him at work unless you have to and it's directly about work. Additionally, consider attending therapy or counselling.

 

Wishing you the best!

 

Her initial presumption "You know how it goes....great connection, great chemistry, major attraction....blah blah blah" is a judgment about how typical people act in the face of temptation like that - and a dismissal of how serious it is - so yes, it's a judgment, it's an excuse. In my judgment that is not how it is typically.

 

I wish her the best too in doing what is best in the situation since other people are getting hurt or potentially hurt too.

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I'm going to speak up for the job situation here. I don't think the OP should move anywhere. Pardon, I think allowing it to affect your work or career more than it already has is incredibly unprofessional and questionable on your part, depending on how far-reaching these issues are working together with this other man. Keep your head on straight and focus on your work. Depending on how interested you are or vested you are in your career, making transitions due to a minor work relationship (that is not progressing or simply not going anywhere aside from highschool stares) would be silly. If you're in the same industry eventually you'll run into each other even if you move to another company.

 

Keep doing what you're doing and be a bit more serious with your work. Avoid this person.

 

As for your marriage, OP, you might want to address whatever problems are ongoing and speak with your spouse. It may be your home life in general and its unhappiness that is pushing you towards some brink of insanity and causing you to make such reckless decisions in your professional/private life. Please reconsider your marriage and start working out what's going on at home.

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IF you are genuinely sincere about wanting to walk away then it would be as simple as telling him: .."Look, I'm sorry, this was a huge mistake and has to end now. Please don't contact/text me again". You only speak to him when it involves work. And yes, it really IS as simple as that. If you mean it, then say what you mean.

 

And then look into marriage counselling to help you figure out what's wrong in your marriage.

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Depending on how interested you are or vested you are in your career, making transitions due to a minor work relationship (that is not progressing or simply not going anywhere aside from highschool stares) would be silly. If you're in the same industry eventually you'll run into each other even if you move to another company.

 

Whilst I respect your opinion, I strongly believe that if she wants to end the affair (and also rescue her marriage) she needs to do whatever it takes. That may include changing her work environment if necessary.

 

Let's also highlight the fact that they've already been intimate once and how "we always derail" and "I want it to happen again so badly".

 

We have only been intimate once

I think he and I are both trying to walk away and always derail and while I want it to happen again so badly, I don’t.

 

If seeing him at work evokes these strong emotions in her, unless she excels at self-control - her best bet to end this affair is to change her work environment. And even that might not be enough.

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Whilst I respect your opinion, I strongly believe that if she wants to end the affair (and also rescue her marriage) she needs to do whatever it takes. That may include changing her work environment if necessary.

 

Let's also highlight the fact that they've already been intimate once and how "we always derail" and "I want it to happen again so badly".

 

 

 

 

If seeing him at work evokes these strong emotions in her, unless she excels at self-control - her best bet to end this affair is to change her work environment. And even that might not be enough.

 

Sure. Different strokes for different folks. It's just a little unsettling to me that anyone could jeopardize their position so badly at work to have to reconsider their entire employment at a company. It seems like a drastic operation for what might be very minimal impact or difference. This is regarding my earlier point about remaining in the same industry. If you end up meeting each other at conferences and knowing the same people in the same region/district or industry, it's not like a person can run away from his/her indiscretions or bad decisions every time there's a problem. People do talk regardless. I can't believe that no one in the company hasn't noticed. It'd be a bit naive (pardon) to think it's completely under the table. The lesser of two evils is dealing with what's happened and remaining respectful to one another(keeping their distance from each other/staying professional at work).

 

I don't agree with running away in general or having to alter one's cv for one roll in the hay. It seems like a much ado over nothing as the guy isn't approaching her anymore in the first place. They share stares and she's expressing that she wants more. There's nothing really beyond that. If the OP has never been accountable for her actions before this, perhaps now's a good time to start. There are only so many times a person can run from their mistakes. I don't think it helps her grow either. I still think the main problems are at home so I'd suggest stop running away from this mistake and start dealing with the issues at home in her marriage. Just my two cents anyway.

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I still think the main problems are at home so I'd suggest stop running away from this mistake and start dealing with the issues at home in her marriage.

 

Certainly. That is why ending the affair might not be enough to save her marriage.

 

 

There are only so many times a person can run from their mistakes.

This isn't about running away from a mistake. It's about being realistic on how much self-control one possesses. People with high self-control are most likely able to be near someone they had an affair with and deal with it in a professional manner. People with low self-control might spiral out of control (even if just mentally) at the sight of the person they had an affair with. So, it's in their best interest to be far away from such a person.

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Well, since you work together, it's impossible to cut contact unless you quit - which is also an option.

 

If you can't quit, the best way to get over him is to replace him. Date other men, even if you don't feel like it right now - when you go out, you'll find yourself feeling better. It's great therapy.

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If you can't quit, the best way to get over him is to replace him. Date other men, even if you don't feel like it right now - when you go out, you'll find yourself feeling better. It's great therapy.

She's MARRIED. You're advising a married women to date other men?? ~speechless~

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Well, since you work together, it's impossible to cut contact unless you quit - which is also an option.

 

If you can't quit, the best way to get over him is to replace him. Date other men, even if you don't feel like it right now - when you go out, you'll find yourself feeling better. It's great therapy.

 

Maybe her husband can set her up with men to date?

 

Interesting that you think married people should be out dating.

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I first want to thank all of you for your time and your replies, I sincerely appreciate each and every one of you. With that said, please know that I agree with pretty much everything I have read.

 

An update on my situation:

 

We met up last night at his place, we had sex for the second time. It was amazing and passionate. Before we had sex, he said he has to delete my number and block me from his phone so we are able to end this as we cannot seem to unless we go to extreme measures.

 

So, then we had sex and it is over. I seen him at work today and it was awkward but to be expected. We looked at each other but carried on with business.

 

It’s bittersweet. I’m glad it’s over but am also sad at the same time. However, I know it’s best.

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Focus on your marriage not the fling. Decide if you want to remain married or be single and free to indulge. If you want to indulge, release your spouse and get a divorce. If you want to remain married, you must leave your job and block this person. Be prepared to get a divorce anyway though, because it's never that simple, who are we kidding. What goes around comes around. Do you really think his woman can't smell the affair? She knows in her gut, but can't prove it yet. While your fantasies are swirling, she's getting ignored, she's confused as to why he's being so distant and she doesn't understand what she did wrong. She's going to start investigating to get to the bottom of it all. She's going to find out and so will your husband. It's not "if" it's how and when they find. Never underestimate a woman, including the one your screwing over.

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I first want to thank all of you for your time and your replies, I sincerely appreciate each and every one of you. With that said, please know that I agree with pretty much everything I have read.

 

An update on my situation:

 

We met up last night at his place, we had sex for the second time. It was amazing and passionate. Before we had sex, he said he has to delete my number and block me from his phone so we are able to end this as we cannot seem to unless we go to extreme measures.

 

So, then we had sex and it is over. I seen him at work today and it was awkward but to be expected. We looked at each other but carried on with business.

 

It’s bittersweet. I’m glad it’s over but am also sad at the same time. However, I know it’s best.

 

Hit us up when you end up in bed again and will hammer it home what a mess you are becoming once again.

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