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My ex gf has slept with someone while we were broken up


KyleBright

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I’ve really been struggling the past 3-4 months. My ex who I love deeply and I think I will never find another connection like we had. Slept with someone I would say 2 weeks ago. They had been seeing each other for two weeks. Before all of that I broke up with her in 4 months ago in December. I was really unhappy and was not challenging myself. I knew I still loved her because I grieved after the break up and I never do that. I really didn’t do anything to better myself and for 3 months we talked/hung out and I treated her very poorly because I was still upset with myself and I was trying to get over things from the past. I made her feel unwanted and did things I regret. I even thought about being with another girl to see if I really did love her. I ended up only hanging out with one girl and all I could think about was her. I should’ve knew then. Anyway, she went on spring break with friends and I apologized when she was there saying I am sorry for everything and I want to work on things. She came back and told me it’s over. She said she was too scared I would break her heart and do things to hurt her all over again. She also said she didn’t trust me so I bettered myself but I thought there was another guy. This week we talked and tried to figure things out. She says she loves me and misses me. She says she regrets it and it did not make her happy. I’m trying to get this out of my head, her being with another guy. It’s killing me. We agreed to have no contact for a month and come back to it. Be faithful to each other while having no contact. I just want to know if I can get over her being with another guy. I can’t get it out of my head. I love her so much and we both get each other on a different level. We both think we are soulmates and our meant for each other just the timing sucks.

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From the outset it seems like you've got a lot of healing to do (from whatever issues you had before the relationship and now including this issue of her being with someone else). You're not ready to date, Kyle. Call a spade a spade and don't be afraid to put dating on pause. I think you're panicking and reacting to terrible anxieties. There's always a little awkwardness upon finding out your ex is sleeping with someone else or intimate with someone else or has moved on. It's like walking in on your parents having sex. No one wants to see or know about it. You're not alone there.

 

Try and be mature about it and let this go. You made mistakes so learn from them and move forwards. It's not going to do anyone any favours at this point getting back together or prolonging that awkwardness. Be kind to each other and let each other go.

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I broke up with her in 4 months ago in December.

 

Slept with someone I would say 2 weeks ago

 

You broke up with her. She was free to do what she wanted.

 

I just want to know if I can get over her being with another guy

 

You dumped her, 3.5 months later she slept with another guy.

 

So yes you can, because she didn't do anything wrong. It is a consequence of your actions.

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I just want to know if I can get over her being with another guy.
If you are actually in love with her and not just wanting her because you're going through the natural grieving process of no longer having her in your life, then you would be able to put what she did while single, behind you.

 

Its not been that long of a time to facilitate you growing up and being able to NOT take out your issues on her. What have you done to grow from the man that treated her poorly other than grieve the breakup which makes you think she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? If you get back together and you are still unhappy with yourself then the same issues are going to crop up and the same outcome as well.

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She's free to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants it you're not together, so you have to deal with it. Also I don't get being broken up and in no contact and agree to be faithful to each other. You're not in a relationship and therefor who you two are with or not are not each other's business.

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From the outset it seems like you've got a lot of healing to do (from whatever issues you had before the relationship and now including this issue of her being with someone else). You're not ready to date, Kyle. Call a spade a spade and don't be afraid to put dating on pause. I think you're panicking and reacting to terrible anxieties. There's always a little awkwardness upon finding out your ex is sleeping with someone else or intimate with someone else or has moved on. It's like walking in on your parents having sex. No one wants to see or know about it. You're not alone there.

 

Try and be mature about it and let this go. You made mistakes so learn from them and move forwards. It's not going to do anyone any favours at this point getting back together or prolonging that awkwardness. Be kind to each other and let each other go.

 

Yeah I mean I think I matured a lot because of the things I was doing I’m not anymore. I was mature before I was just hurt and my coping mechanism was being an . I am sure I can get over this. I’ve told myself. I don’t think I’m willing to let her go. I think if I were to be done with her, years down the road I would want to be with her. I forgave her for her past and now I’m just dealing with insecurities. I’m trying to get it out of my head. Like I said I think I would regret this is I did try to move on and always have that what if.

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Wherever this goes, you've got a very good lesson right in front of you, right now, eager to be learned.

 

Your first post was very you-centric. You did this, did that, felt this, felt that. You see everything clearly, and so on.

 

No judgment there. You're, well, you—and you came here because you're trying to work some stuff out. And that's great.

 

But your ex? She is just...her. A person. That's what makes her so incredible, not what she can or can't do for you. Just who she is, the full spectrum, and it is that person you should want to be with. Not because she can make your pain go away, but because she is awesome, and to be next to her on her journey, as she stands next to you, sounds awesome and like something you're ready for.

 

And, yeah, when she was single she did what millions upon millions of single people do. They have sex. If you can't get over that, let her go. There are few things smaller in this world than making people feel awful for having sex they should have zero reason to feel awful for having.

 

Which leads me to Annia's excellent point about this faithful-on-a-break business. Um, no. I understand the instinct, but what's behind it is possessiveness, jealousy, insecurity—in short, the ingredients from the spice cabinet that will ruin the simmering stew of any relationship.

 

So, the lesson here? Get bigger by being smaller, humbler. Isolate your pain from her and feel it, process it, on your own. If you can do that and be good to her, great. If not, also great.

 

The place in the middle? Not great.

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What are you going to do if she decides that she's not coming back? Your reply above is hinged on her reconciling with you.

 

I mean I think the only way we don’t get back together is if I resent her for what she did. She has all the intentions of getting back with me. Our conversations were great in person. You’re right, she could not want to be with me in the end. I don’t think she would be trying to work on things if she thought we weren’t going to be together. She knows I need to heal and forgive her. If she doesn’t want me in the end then I won’t be as broken as I was a week or two ago. I will just know I have to move on with my life. I don’t think I’m going to resent her and I honestly think I can move on and move forward. I just don’t know how long it will take.

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Wherever this goes, you've got a very good lesson right in front of you

 

So, the lesson here? Get bigger by being smaller, humbler. Isolate your pain from her and feel it, process it, on your own. If you can do that and be good to her, great. If not, also great.

 

The place in the middle? Not great.

 

Yeah I’m coming in terms with that. I know if I were to be with her again I could never bring this up. I could never bring this up in a fight or anything. I know humans have sex just to have sex. I would be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t thinking the same thing when I was in a similar spot she was. I even told her I probably would’ve done the same thing in your situation.. I don’t want to make her feel awful or anything I want her to be happy and I also want to be happy too. That is exactly right on the point she’s incredible. She’s everything I want and more.

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Blue I’ll go into more detail about how she felt. She wanted me for 3 months. The day I broke up with her. I broke her heart bad. She felt very upset because she was losing me and I was to naive to do things to better myself. I truly wish I did things different. You know she asked me before she went on spring break do you want me to go? I would say things like no go have fun be single. She would be like no I only want you. I was just not thinking. I never really went that long without talking to her. I pushed her to that point. She would cry at parties for 3 months and honesty was emotionally distressed because of how we were doing. I would say things I didn’t mean. I really regret what I did. I’ve honesty learned to really not just take things for as they are and love life and people that love you for who you are. We just fought all the time because she wanted me to commit but I had doubts. I messed up. As soon as she became distant I immediately came to my senses but it was honesty too late. She’s really a great girl. I have nothing bad to say about her.

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I hear you.

 

You have to figure out a way, though, to be less hard on yourself. People who are hard on themselves then, without even meaning to, to be hard on others. Bad dynamic for romance, you know?

 

Sounds like, big picture, the timing just wasn't right for you guys. Feelings were there, connection points were blurred, doubts swirled, and in the process there was hurt, confusion. It happens. It happens a lot. It's life. It's not one person messing up—but just the sometimes beautiful, sometimes painful mess that two people can make together when feelings and timing don't dovetail.

 

Like, when you said her to have fun, to be single—well, you probably did mean that, to some degree. No, you didn't mean go have sex. What you meant was maybe more like: "A big part of me would like to go, and be with you, but I'm not ready for that right now for reasons I don't even totally understand, and that really sucks—for me, for you, for us—but it's the truth this second and I want to be honest with you."

 

Alas, it's hard to talk like that to someone. It's vulnerable. It means really being in touch with our own humanity, and the humanity of another, and accepting that two people truths, wants, and needs don't always align. It's accepting that as a fact of the universe, no different than the shape of the planet.

 

Anyhow, deep breaths. Sounds like you've done some growing. Just be honest, first and foremost, with yourself. If you're ready, if you're seeing clearly, if your heart is open—well, hold that space. Let her see that space, and accept that it may be a good minute before she trusts it. Just hold it, palms open, defenses down.

 

Or something.

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You treated her very badly when you had her. You even decided you'd like to "try out" other women just to see if your feelings were valid or not. You barked at her, you were short with her, and you were less than loyal and trustworthy. She did what any right-minded woman would do, and she moved on. Now she disappears over spring break, and you suddenly have this longing for her. You pounce on her and your devotion to her, and she's not taking the bait. She had sex with another guy. Get over it. I don't have any magic words to help you get over it. I'm much older and have sprouted children and the men I date have also produced children, so the whole sex issue is a non-issue. All you need to know is she is a human being who deserves to be treated like a queen, and she should treat you like a king. Treat her well, all the time. Don't cohort with other women as a litmus test on your feelings. You have a lot of damage to undo. If her relationship with this other guy is going to be a thorn for you, let her go. Don't subject her to your insecurities and jealousy. Heal yourself first, and maybe she'll be available when you are well.

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Well, you need to understand that you guys broke up. When you break up with someone you lose the right to judge, analyze or comment on anything that's going on in her life. You guys broke up and she decided to move on and live her life.

 

You said you treated her poorly and you have regrets. You have no right to be upset with her or analyze what she does with her body. I don't mean to sound harsh but it's true.

 

Your post shows that you're regretful but I question your intentions.

 

You did treat her poorly. It sounds like you're upset that she pursued this new relationship and you have no right to be. Im getting the impression you only want her now because she's suddenly out of your reach. Sure you could attempt to get back together but what if you start treating her poorly again? I have a feeling you're suffering from "want what I can't have" syndrome.

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When you had your toy truck you didn't really care much about playing with it. Now you've found out someone else played with your toy truck and suddenly it's your favorite toy.

 

I would say you have some maturing to do.

 

Maybe go look in the mirror and see what you see. I know what I did was wrong and I admired that. You don’t know what she did to me? You don’t know what I went through. All what I put myself through. You have no idea what happened between us and why I resented her. I would rather not talk bad about her and made it more about myself. So sorry i am not mature enough.

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Well, you need to understand that you guys broke up. When you break up with someone you lose the right to judge, analyze or comment on anything that's going on in her life. You guys broke up and she decided to move on and live her life.

 

You said you treated her poorly and you have regrets. You have no right to be upset with her or analyze what she does with her body. I don't mean to sound harsh but it's true.

 

Your post shows that you're regretful but I question your intentions.

 

You did treat her poorly. It sounds like you're upset that she pursued this new relationship and you have no right to be. Im getting the impression you only want her now because she's suddenly out of your reach. Sure you could attempt to get back together but what if you start treating her poorly again? I have a feeling you're suffering from "want what I can't have" syndrome.

 

Some of you guys man, you think I would put myself through this if I just didn’t love her? You think it’s easy? You think I’m just some robot that does things. No everybody makes mistakes. She told me before spring break I had nothing to worry about. She was conflicted and confused. She didn’t know what to do. Don’t tell me I’m upset because now I don’t have her. I isolated myself realized what I did wrong. When have I ever blamed her? “What I want I can’t have.” Gez man you guys just judge and are so toxic man. You don’t even know the story obviously. Sorry I didn’t want to bash the girl I love and I wanted to talk her up. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you love someone. She wasn’t perfect. Neither was I. That’s what makes us human. I said in my original post that I cried and grieved after my loss. When I broke up with her. I cried. I missed her. Then when I tried to get back with her. I got scared because she wanted to jump into things. I realized that she was the one for me when she started to become distant. I finally came to my senses that what I was doing was wrong. I wasn’t doing what I was doing intentionally I’m not a horrible person man. I’m truly a good guy. She’s a great girl. I just didn’t want to bring her down. I didn’t say that she was sending me mixed signals while still with this guy? I didn’t say she would still show up to events and mess with my head for over a month. Why would I bash somebody that I truly love? When I think I can forgive her? Because we both made mistakes.

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Sorry if it came across as me being the only one with the problems. We both made mistakes. I was just standing up for her because I know why this happened. It just sucks because 4 weeks ago she knew she still loved me. Her friends new she still wanted me. But they told her to go be with another guy. She showed me mixed signals all throughout the 4 weeks and we never went 4 days without talking. She showed up to places I would be every week. To say hi and talk to me and support me. But things would go back to normal. She told me this week she thinks I’m the one. She told me she thinks we will end up together. That I’m the only one for her. The timing just sucks. I agree. I mean I don’t know how long this will take to get over. I just don’t want to be 2 years down the road and her be with somebody else. Then I couldn’t be with her. So that’s why I’m hoping I can get over this soon. This isn’t just an easy quick fix. Seeing somebody you love walk into another relationship would be hard for anybody I think. It hurts. I am hurt and she would’ve been hurt as well if I hooked up with somebody else.

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