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Thread: My ex gf has slept with someone while we were broken up

  1. #11
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    Shes done nothing wrong. Either get over it and get back with her or let it and her go. YOu are making this more difficult than it needs to be.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    From the outset it seems like you've got a lot of healing to do (from whatever issues you had before the relationship and now including this issue of her being with someone else). You're not ready to date, Kyle. Call a spade a spade and don't be afraid to put dating on pause. I think you're panicking and reacting to terrible anxieties. There's always a little awkwardness upon finding out your ex is sleeping with someone else or intimate with someone else or has moved on. It's like walking in on your parents having sex. No one wants to see or know about it. You're not alone there.

    Try and be mature about it and let this go. You made mistakes so learn from them and move forwards. It's not going to do anyone any favours at this point getting back together or prolonging that awkwardness. Be kind to each other and let each other go.
    Yeah I mean I think I matured a lot because of the things I was doing Iím not anymore. I was mature before I was just hurt and my coping mechanism was being an . I am sure I can get over this. Iíve told myself. I donít think Iím willing to let her go. I think if I were to be done with her, years down the road I would want to be with her. I forgave her for her past and now Iím just dealing with insecurities. Iím trying to get it out of my head. Like I said I think I would regret this is I did try to move on and always have that what if.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    We agreed to have no contact for a month and come back to it. Be faithful to each other while having no contact.
    What are you going to do if she decides that she's not coming back? Your reply above is hinged on her reconciling with you.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Wherever this goes, you've got a very good lesson right in front of you, right now, eager to be learned.

    Your first post was very you-centric. You did this, did that, felt this, felt that. You see everything clearly, and so on.

    No judgment there. You're, well, youóand you came here because you're trying to work some stuff out. And that's great.

    But your ex? She is just...her. A person. That's what makes her so incredible, not what she can or can't do for you. Just who she is, the full spectrum, and it is that person you should want to be with. Not because she can make your pain go away, but because she is awesome, and to be next to her on her journey, as she stands next to you, sounds awesome and like something you're ready for.

    And, yeah, when she was single she did what millions upon millions of single people do. They have sex. If you can't get over that, let her go. There are few things smaller in this world than making people feel awful for having sex they should have zero reason to feel awful for having.

    Which leads me to Annia's excellent point about this faithful-on-a-break business. Um, no. I understand the instinct, but what's behind it is possessiveness, jealousy, insecurityóin short, the ingredients from the spice cabinet that will ruin the simmering stew of any relationship.

    So, the lesson here? Get bigger by being smaller, humbler. Isolate your pain from her and feel it, process it, on your own. If you can do that and be good to her, great. If not, also great.

    The place in the middle? Not great.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    What are you going to do if she decides that she's not coming back? Your reply above is hinged on her reconciling with you.
    I mean I think the only way we donít get back together is if I resent her for what she did. She has all the intentions of getting back with me. Our conversations were great in person. Youíre right, she could not want to be with me in the end. I donít think she would be trying to work on things if she thought we werenít going to be together. She knows I need to heal and forgive her. If she doesnít want me in the end then I wonít be as broken as I was a week or two ago. I will just know I have to move on with my life. I donít think Iím going to resent her and I honestly think I can move on and move forward. I just donít know how long it will take.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Wherever this goes, you've got a very good lesson right in front of you

    So, the lesson here? Get bigger by being smaller, humbler. Isolate your pain from her and feel it, process it, on your own. If you can do that and be good to her, great. If not, also great.

    The place in the middle? Not great.
    Yeah Iím coming in terms with that. I know if I were to be with her again I could never bring this up. I could never bring this up in a fight or anything. I know humans have sex just to have sex. I would be lying if I didnít say I wasnít thinking the same thing when I was in a similar spot she was. I even told her I probably wouldíve done the same thing in your situation.. I donít want to make her feel awful or anything I want her to be happy and I also want to be happy too. That is exactly right on the point sheís incredible. Sheís everything I want and more.

  8. #17
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    Blue Iíll go into more detail about how she felt. She wanted me for 3 months. The day I broke up with her. I broke her heart bad. She felt very upset because she was losing me and I was to naive to do things to better myself. I truly wish I did things different. You know she asked me before she went on spring break do you want me to go? I would say things like no go have fun be single. She would be like no I only want you. I was just not thinking. I never really went that long without talking to her. I pushed her to that point. She would cry at parties for 3 months and honesty was emotionally distressed because of how we were doing. I would say things I didnít mean. I really regret what I did. Iíve honesty learned to really not just take things for as they are and love life and people that love you for who you are. We just fought all the time because she wanted me to commit but I had doubts. I messed up. As soon as she became distant I immediately came to my senses but it was honesty too late. Sheís really a great girl. I have nothing bad to say about her.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hear you.

    You have to figure out a way, though, to be less hard on yourself. People who are hard on themselves then, without even meaning to, to be hard on others. Bad dynamic for romance, you know?

    Sounds like, big picture, the timing just wasn't right for you guys. Feelings were there, connection points were blurred, doubts swirled, and in the process there was hurt, confusion. It happens. It happens a lot. It's life. It's not one person messing upóbut just the sometimes beautiful, sometimes painful mess that two people can make together when feelings and timing don't dovetail.

    Like, when you said her to have fun, to be singleówell, you probably did mean that, to some degree. No, you didn't mean go have sex. What you meant was maybe more like: "A big part of me would like to go, and be with you, but I'm not ready for that right now for reasons I don't even totally understand, and that really sucksófor me, for you, for usóbut it's the truth this second and I want to be honest with you."

    Alas, it's hard to talk like that to someone. It's vulnerable. It means really being in touch with our own humanity, and the humanity of another, and accepting that two people truths, wants, and needs don't always align. It's accepting that as a fact of the universe, no different than the shape of the planet.

    Anyhow, deep breaths. Sounds like you've done some growing. Just be honest, first and foremost, with yourself. If you're ready, if you're seeing clearly, if your heart is openówell, hold that space. Let her see that space, and accept that it may be a good minute before she trusts it. Just hold it, palms open, defenses down.

    Or something.

  10. #19
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    Thank you so much, youíre right I need to be less hard on myself. Yeah I wish I couldíve done things different but Iím trying to do right now. You had some really good points.

  11. #20
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    You treated her very badly when you had her. You even decided you'd like to "try out" other women just to see if your feelings were valid or not. You barked at her, you were short with her, and you were less than loyal and trustworthy. She did what any right-minded woman would do, and she moved on. Now she disappears over spring break, and you suddenly have this longing for her. You pounce on her and your devotion to her, and she's not taking the bait. She had sex with another guy. Get over it. I don't have any magic words to help you get over it. I'm much older and have sprouted children and the men I date have also produced children, so the whole sex issue is a non-issue. All you need to know is she is a human being who deserves to be treated like a queen, and she should treat you like a king. Treat her well, all the time. Don't cohort with other women as a litmus test on your feelings. You have a lot of damage to undo. If her relationship with this other guy is going to be a thorn for you, let her go. Don't subject her to your insecurities and jealousy. Heal yourself first, and maybe she'll be available when you are well.

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