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What is the best thing to do with someone that just won't accept that it's over?


LadyCaCa

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I have been in a long distance relationship for a year. It has not been easy and there has never really been any trust. We are both insecure and have trust issues. I don't want to go into all the details, a lot has happened, but basically what;s happening now is that I ended it and he flew all the way to my city to talk it through. I have told him there's nothing left to say and I'm never going to change my mind. I have in the past, we have reconciled several times but this time it's over. HE won't accept it and he's starting to show signs of irrational behavior, bargaining, repeating things again and again....

Should I still be talking to this person or should I block him? I don't think there's anything that I can say that will get through to him, I think any contact just keeps the hope alive. ...

I still care and I hate to see him like this.

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Explain what you are about to do and tell him that you care about him but the relationship is over and you prefer your privacy and cannot keep speaking with him. If you have any shared contacts or social circles explain you prefer and hope for mutual respect and privacy. For all the reasons you've both talked about, you're not feeling healthy or happy enough to continue in the relationship. People generally want to make their partners happy even if it's through tears and pain. Beyond that, end all the communication and switch gears. You're not switching gears and this may be a sign for you that you're stalling and not ready to think for yourself on your own. Change that and start a new mindset.

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Every time you respond to him it makes him think you still love him and want to be with him.

 

He's telling himself "she wouldn't reply if she didn't still want to be with me".

 

Tell him you will not be communicating with him any longer. Then block him from all means of contact.

 

No, that wouldn't be "harsh" or "immature" or "unnecessary". Giving him false hope (even if unintentional) is harsh, immature and unnecessary.

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IMO: No, don't block him. He knows where you live and has the means to fly there so you need to keep a record of everything he sends you in case he starts getting weird or violent with you. Just do not respond to anything he tries contact wise. Send him one last text/email (so you have it in writing) and calmly, kindly and matter of factly ask him to stop contacting you so that the two of you can come to terms with no longer being in one another's live, wish him good luck and then that's it. No more responding.

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I’m not getting a stalker vibe from this guy. Sorry I’m just not.

 

You said you’ve had an off again on again with him before. You’re staying in contact....

 

Why wouldn’t he think he still has a chance...

 

Hell I still think he has a chance...

 

You need to work on your boundaries, period.

 

If you’re serious, tell him that no wishy washy trying to get an ego boost from his begging. You tell him straight up and you tell him you are done and you’re serious. Give him the reason why you’re serious this time, communication is key here not game playing and stinging him along. Which is what you’re doing by staying in contact, that’s break up 101.

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I'm not sure if it's selfish and immature, Lady. It's more do to with pain and attachment and not wanting to let go.

 

Losing someone we had our hopes on, is a really tough thing. No one wants to lose that.

 

But if you're sure that there is no way to fix things and you really do want it done, the best thing you can do is to tell him the reason why you're ending it and be very specific. People need closure and telling them why is a huge part of this.

 

Then wish him well and apologize for hurting him and stop replying.

 

Going cold turkey will hurt, not just him, but you too as you've become used to each other. But it really is for the best if it's truly over.

 

You're right, to continue to talk will confuse him and make him wonder if you will change your mind.

To end it properly will mean no more replying.

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I have told him repeatedly why. He's in denial and bargaining stages. I should try and be more compassionate but then he mistakes compassion for uncertainty and a chance to try again. There is no chance. It's just as bad for me, but I think it's an unhealthy relationship and it has to end.

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I have told him repeatedly why. He's in denial and bargaining stages. I should try and be more compassionate but then he mistakes compassion for uncertainty and a chance to try again. There is no chance. It's just as bad for me, but I think it's an unhealthy relationship and it has to end.

 

A person that continues to try and 'bargain' with you like he's buying for sale hot pants at a cheap sidewalk sale tells me that he devalues your opinion and is disrespectful in general. This is a major red flag and serious issue. He doesn't take you seriously. Never get caught up with someone who doesn't trust you or respect you. Stop talking to him.

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A person that continues to try and 'bargain' with you like he's buying for sale hot pants at a cheap sidewalk sale tells me that he devalues your opinion and is disrespectful in general. This is a major red flag and serious issue. He doesn't take you seriously. Never get caught up with someone who doesn't trust you or respect you. Stop talking to him.

 

OR

 

He does it because she continues to engage.

 

Lets call a spade a spade here, most exes with a healthy mindset would have blocked by now ESPECIALLY if they know the confusion caused by the fact that they've been on again off again.

 

Theres a lot of big game being talked but that line still hasn't been cut... why?

 

Im not gonna lie, I rarely if ever block people myself but if an ex wont take no for any answer, I'm blocking, I'm not engaging. Its drama for dramas sake.

 

this -

I still care and I hate to see him like this.

 

this -

No he's not a stalker. Just desperate and swinging for the fences.

 

and this-

 

I have told him repeatedly why. He's in denial and bargaining stages.

 

says a whole lot, add to it not giving any other details, its not indifference, the verbiage is tinged with emotion. On again off again relationship are hell to end, its a process, even for the one leaving, even for the one saying they're 'done for sure this time'. Its hard and thats ok, the more honest with yourself the better, and in these instances cutting absolutely all contact is of the utmost importance, not even just for him, but for the dumper who needs to grieve too, because the truth is they arent even sure its truly over, they just know theyre currently holding the power which is big in on again off again.

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I agree with FIO. I've been in an on and off dynamic before, and they are really difficult to end. Even months down the line, it's easy for either party to consider going back or hoping that it could work again because breakups weren't final in the past.

 

When emotions are high, it's hard to think clearly and make firm decisions. OP, you seem to know that the relationship is unhealthy and needs to end. The only way this happens is if you gently let him know that the two of you won't be in contact again and stick to it. I get feeling guilty, scared, and maybe worried that you'll regret it (you may go through a period where you do), but I assure you that you are making the right call. Relationships should be consistent and reliable - you can't grow with a partner when you're constantly starting and stopping.

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The OP shouldn't be stigmatized for the disrespect that her partner is showing her. It's 50/50 in my mind and it takes two to be mutually respectful. His behaviour just displays lack of respect, in my mind. The relationship is over and she's verbalized it but the OP has said herself that he mistakes compassion with desire to rekindle the relationship. Something is seriously off here. How does compassion translate to 'let's get back together'? This is a cop out and entirely disrespectful. Even in the depths of despair most people can tell the difference between someone out of love/not in love with them and someone in love with them, the difference between 'oh hey, it's working!' or 'damn, this is what it's come to.'

 

I disagree about most healthy exes blocking. I think most healthy exes don't block each other or antagonize each other. To engage in blocking tells me that there's automatically a total breakdown of trust and mutual respect. I think there are healthier ways to break up with someone but again, it does take two. Since she's already verbalized it's over, he should be taking the hint but he isn't. The nature of their relationship is unhealthy perhaps due to past patterns.

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This is all good advice and you are all right. I just have to cut off communication.So selfish and immature of him to put me in this position.

Thank you all.

Lets not forget that you are enabling him to put you in this position. By continuing to engage with him, you are enabling him to continue to this point so just stop responding. Give him the gift of letting go which he will do when his attempts aren't being rewarded.

 

Good luck.

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The OP shouldn't be stigmatized for the disrespect that her partner is showing her. It's 50/50 in my mind and it takes two to be mutually respectful. His behaviour just displays lack of respect, in my mind. The relationship is over and she's verbalized it but the OP has said herself that he mistakes compassion with desire to rekindle the relationship. Something is seriously off here. How does compassion translate to 'let's get back together'? This is a cop out and entirely disrespectful. Even in the depths of despair most people can tell the difference between someone out of love/not in love with them and someone in love with them, the difference between 'oh hey, it's working!' or 'damn, this is what it's come to.'

 

I disagree about most healthy exes blocking. I think most healthy exes don't block each other or antagonize each other. To engage in blocking tells me that there's automatically a total breakdown of trust and mutual respect. I think there are healthier ways to break up with someone but again, it does take two. Since she's already verbalized it's over, he should be taking the hint but he isn't. The nature of their relationship is unhealthy perhaps due to past patterns.

 

It’s not stigmatization it’s reality, she’s not a victim here. He not abusing her and she stated he’s not stalking her.

 

He is mistaking her compassion for reconciliation because that’s what it meant in the past.

 

Is he wrong for flying there? Absolutely BUT if their relationship was unhealthy and back and forth and on again off again, its par for the course. SHE needs to stand her ground and have boundaries.

 

The fact that she didn’t block him after that is telling. Because MOST healthy people would have made it abundantly clear including blocking if an ex showed up unannounced after breakup, as you are putting it because it’s disrespectful. I actually don’t think he’s being disrespectful, I think he’s reacting to her actions in an unhealthy way because that’s their tango, but you do which would mean her being firm and consistent and blocking would make perfect sense but I digress...

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Perhaps I place too much trust in people to know better. I'm seeing this situation through the OP's eyes, as the person ending the relationship (the dumper, so to speak). It takes courage and some gusto to really pull the plug and I think the other half should be coming from the other side, with respect for the situation at hand. Total mutual respect. Is it common? I have no idea. But I've been successful at it with my relationships so encountering such a ridiculous situation like this where a grown man can't tell the difference between good and bad, it's over or let's continue, is just silly(or disrespectful on his part). I really believe the OP has self-esteem issues too and problems with self-confidence (sorry, OP). Stick up for yourself a bit more.

 

I see it in two parts, like a two-part dance. She initiates and proposes the end, he accepts graciously and viola, the end. Where things got all fried up and buck wild was where he didn't accept graciously. I mean, seriously, what was that for. Even if the tango they're used to as you say is off the mark, surely (again!) as a grown man, he'd be able realize that there were unhealthy points in the relationship and being together is unhealthy in general. Being an ogre or pushy about it isn't helping anyone or his case. This guy is a real piece of work. Since he's a lost cause, it's up to you how you want to completely sever ties.

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I have made some mistakes with this. I did tell him that I wanted to 'fall into his arms' but it just wasn't possible. I have probably given mixed messages. I was clear that I didn't want him here. I have a history of forgiving him. So I see his confusion. I'm going to cut off contact now, as much as it hurts me.

I've been in this place too, and years later I thanked my ex for cutting me off, he did the right thing and I was grateful.

Thanks everyone.

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I have made some mistakes with this. I did tell him that I wanted to 'fall into his arms' but it just wasn't possible. I have probably given mixed messages. I was clear that I didn't want him here. I have a history of forgiving him. So I see his confusion. I'm going to cut off contact now, as much as it hurts me.

I've been in this place too, and years later I thanked my ex for cutting me off, he did the right thing and I was grateful.

Thanks everyone.

Ahhh! A light bulb moment. :D Glad you see the light, Lady.

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I have made some mistakes with this. I did tell him that I wanted to 'fall into his arms' but it just wasn't possible. I have probably given mixed messages. I was clear that I didn't want him here. I have a history of forgiving him. So I see his confusion. I'm going to cut off contact now, as much as it hurts me.

I've been in this place too, and years later I thanked my ex for cutting me off, he did the right thing and I was grateful.

Thanks everyone.

 

Good for you for acknowledging your mistakes but don't shoulder all the blame for this situation or the fact that it was a lousy relationship. You'll just repeat your cycle of guilt and start forgiving again. Work on your self-confidence. Onwards and forwards then.

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