I broke up with my bf. But why is it so painful?

I apologize in advance about my ramblings. I broke up with my bf because I feel like friends who love each other. I should mention he is my first bf and first love. I care for him greatly. But I wasn't attracted to him anymore in a romantic way, no spark as they say. I tried so very hard to make it work. To say it's all in my head, you're being crazy for about a year now. But that only sent me into a downward spiral of depression. I knew the truth but denied it. I guess I hoped I was crazy and things would change/get better. but they didnt, I knew it would be hard and hurt but it had to be done. It's not fair to either of us to continue like this. But why does it hurt so much? Is it because hes my first everything? I know they say first breakup/love/relationship is the hardest but d.mn. at the same time I truly do know this is the right thing, I'm sad and hurt but also i feel a weight has been lifted(not quite relief but close maybe similair?) and itll get easier but why is it this way? Anyone else experience this? I guess I just need to talk to someone.? Yes I did post another thread on if I should breakup with him. I guess I wanted advice? I knew/know I had to do this but wanted others opinion? I dont know.

This is normal. Just give it time, and stay busy. Eventually, it will pass.

Where are you living? Who moved?

I truly do know this is the right thing, I'm sad and hurt but also i feel a weight has been lifted(not quite relief but close maybe similair?) and itll get easier but why is it this way?

I pulled this off a webpage somewhere, so drop the quote in google and it'll take you there:

The honeymoon period tends to last anywhere between 6 months and a year. The relationship still feels fresh and exciting, and you're constantly learning new things about each other and having first experiences together. But there comes a point when suddenly you've done all that stuff together already. You feel like you know your partner inside out. And then the unthinkable happens: you feel bored. That person that was so exciting a few short months ago is suddenly there every day. And it feels like they've been there every day for an awfully long time. There's no more rush from seeing them, because you're always seeing them. Boredom leads to questioning your feelings. Surely if you still felt as strongly for them, you wouldn't feel bored! Nothing else has changed, so it must be your feelings for them.

You are hurting because you still have feelings.

I knew it would be hard and hurt but it had to be done.

No it didn't have to be done, what needed to be done is for you to work on the relationship in the post honeymoon stage.

I suggest you learn from this and don't make the same mistake again.

I've been with him 5 years. Were well past that. I did work on it. I tried very hard to get that spark back. I clinged on to that hope that things would change. I'd feel that attraction again, but it wasn't there. And I was only hurting myself and him.

I pulled this off a webpage somewhere, so drop the quote in google and it'll take you there:

 

The honeymoon period tends to last anywhere between 6 months and a year. The relationship still feels fresh and exciting, and you're constantly learning new things about each other and having first experiences together. But there comes a point when suddenly you've done all that stuff together already. You feel like you know your partner inside out. And then the unthinkable happens: you feel bored. That person that was so exciting a few short months ago is suddenly there every day. And it feels like they've been there every day for an awfully long time. There's no more rush from seeing them, because you're always seeing them. Boredom leads to questioning your feelings. Surely if you still felt as strongly for them, you wouldn't feel bored! Nothing else has changed, so it must be your feelings for them.

 

You are hurting because you still have feelings.

 

 

 

No it didn't have to be done, what needed to be done is for you to work on the relationship in the post honeymoon stage.

 

I suggest you learn from this and don't make the same mistake again.

I suggest you go back and read her other thread. Her relationship was long over.

Were making arrangements. We have to break our lease. But he said if I want to leave now I can or if i want him to leave he will.

Were making arrangements. We have to break our lease. But he said if I want to leave now I can or if i want him to leave he will.

Glad to hear it is not ugly.

Good luck!

I've been with him 5 years. Were well past that. I did work on it. I tried very hard to get that spark back. I clinged on to that hope that things would change. I'd feel that attraction again, but it wasn't there. And I was only hurting myself and him.

The initial "spark"/attraction doesn't come back. The relationship evolves into comfortable love.

Anyway, now that you have ended it, you are free to go and find that sparky feeling with someone else. You might not want to dive in to quickly, after 5 years, though.

I suggest you go back and read her other thread. Her relationship was long over.

She has another thread?

She has another thread?

Yes. Check her history.

Yes. Check her history.

OK sorry OP, maybe that advice was in part inapplicable.

The answer is roughly the same though - you feel a bit gutted because you were with that guy for a long time. It's normal, you still had some level of affection for him, it will pass in time.

Trust me I'm not.

Why is it so painful? Because you are grieving. You are grieving the loss of a relationship that was a big thing in your life...it's all you have known for the last 5 years...now that part is gone, you are left with uncertainty, and emptiness. I think if you understand this better, it will help you pass through it quicker. Grieving is a process. The last stage is acceptance, and that's where you need to be at. It's letting go of the guilt, accept the situation and that you are going to be alright.

I’m basing my advice on both posts so bear with me.

You martyred yourself.

What I mean is you convinced yourself to stay with him and convinced yourself you stayed because of all these selfless reasons but to me at least the true reason was you were afraid of being single. Honestly I think that’s where your confusion is coming from, I think you spent so long convincing yourself of all this that it burried the real issue

Plenty of people act in this manner. I would say most don’t/won’t recognize it.

I don’t think you still love him, I don’t think you’re grieving, I think you’re scared of being single.

I think you should embrace these feelings, I think you should work through them because once you do you will be able to go out and date based on desire and not need and you won’t end up in another relationship with no attraction because it’s better than nothing.

I just don't get the whole "I'm afraid to be alone" mindset.

I understand if it's been a long-term marriage where perhaps one or the other of the couple hasn't worked in 15 years (like my mother) or is left alone with 5 children (happened to a coworker). Those are legitimate, concrete fears.

But "I won't have anyone to go to things with or do things with" or "all my friends have boyfriends" isn't anything to be AFRAID of, IMO.

It's actually pretty free to be able to go eat Mexican, for example, without worrying about having to check with my partner who maybe wants Chinese. Or if I have lunch meat slices and a slice of buttered bread for dinner (did that last week) and don't have to worry about what my partner is going to eat. Or going to see Bohemian Rhapsody if I want and not having to worry if my partner will be bored. Leaving the bathroom door open while I take care of business. The list goes on.

OP, I apologize if "fear of being alone" isn't an issue for you. I hope it's not, actually, and that it's more of being used to having someone specific as a part of your daily life and it feels strange to have a void, so to speak. And that you feel bad for hurting another human being, one you care for, which makes you an empathetic person.

I've experienced this quite recently. I think you should understand that you can mourn someone you don't want to be with and it's absolutely true about the firsts.

The reason it's true: if he was your first love, you're probably having a hard time seeing yourself with anyone else because you've only actually seen yourself with him so you know theres other men out there for you, you know he wasn't right for you because you broke up with him but in my situation I only saw two things: What I could have (in the future) vs what I already had and even though what I already had was wrong for me, it was the only thing I could see at the time because it was the only thing that actually happened. The other option was a possiblity at finding love again, I had to teach myself to choose that possibility instead of choosing my ex who was clearly wrong for me.

To do that, I had to realize that it was okay to miss someone but not want them back.

No one is ever 100% not the one for you. That's not realistic. You can meet someone is like 20% the one for you and you guys can break break up and you can still MISS that 20%, mourn that 20% and feel sad over that 20%. It could still be a hard loss. That's what happens when you see yourself in other people and you connect on that level. I think we all just want to be seen and understood so when you see a small part of yourself in someone that's not right for you, of course you'll struggle once that's over.

But you will eventually move on... it takes time. I can't tell you how much time. It just takes time.

- First I cried about 5 times a day. Couldn't even watch TV or listen to music, I had to listen to classical music because it didn't have lyrics, something would remind me of my ex and I'd cry. I'd even cry in my sleep, I was sad on a Subconscious level too.

- Then I eventually started crying about it only once a day

- Then once every two days

- Then only once a week

- Then stopped crying about it all together, but felt a little sadness about the situation when I sat and dwelled on it.

- Now I can think about it and feel acceptance and hope for the future

It just takes time... I used to think that people were just being poetic when they said broken hearts heal like actual wounds but its true. Time heals your heart. It's like an actual wound that has its own healing time and it does it kind of just itself. You wont be broken hearted forever.

I've had my share of heartbreaking things happening in my life that I've managed to get over and it's not because I'm strong or something, it's kind of like my body subconsciously took control and healed itself because it needed to in order for me to survive but it just took time. Maybe there's an evolutionary explanation for it...Or god. Idk. But it does happen. Just takes time

I'm not sure how private messages work on here but if you can, feel free to private message me if you need someone to talk to

Thank rchubn. That's exactly how I feel right now. I'm in so sad and keep crying and everything reminds me of the good times. How we are or were together. But it's not enough. I know I did the right thing and I knew it would hurt I just didnt realize how bad. It really does feel like I'm losing a piece of myself. And I think that's why it hurts so much more. I thought we would be together. I guess it hurts more because I tried to play it for so long. And now that I've excepted it it feels scary and sad.