Girlfriend has Issues with my Parenting

Hi,

I am looking for some advice about my relationships, hopefully drawing from others that have been in a similar position! So ...

I am 34 and my girlfriend is 28 (no kids of her own). I have a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship, I was with my ex for 8 years, had my daughter with her but we split almost 5 years ago. We co parent my daughter and have her half the week each.

I have been with my current girlfriend for 3 years and over that time there have been a number of issues all relating to my daughter I.e there is no time for us, everything has to be planned around my daughter etc I have made changes to both mine and my daughters life to try and make her happier and it does for a time but last night, I came home from work and picking my daughter up and my girlfriend was in a mood (as she is a lot and she says its just the person she is), I said hi, how was work etc etc which was met with pretty much no response at all, it made me and my daughter feel a little awkward and that side of things is not an isolated incident.

Later in the night a row erupts as apparently my daughter walks all over me, she's behind where she should be as a person, I do too much for her (all I did was offer her a drink and some cake) ... I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time! I tell her that's just the type of person I am ... I offer my girlfriend a drink, something to eat, ask if she's ok etc.

I point blank refuse to change who i am as a person but obviously now i am questioning everything ... does she have a point? Shouldn't she just support me? I try my best by both my girlfriend and my daughter.

Worth noting that my daughter loves her but she obviously doesnt see what I do. My girlfriend also gets angry when I don't agree with her points and can become quite childlike I.e raising her voice through gritted teeth which makes the whole thing worse!

Thanks in advance.

I don't think she is the right person to be in your daughter's life. Kids don't "get" dating -they get attached. She is overstepping her boundaries of being a good friend/good host at most to your daughter. I think your daughter should come first and assert appropriate boundaries with your girlfriend about her "advice" -"thanks for your input and if I want parenting advice I will ask you, ok?" My son is 10 and yes if I needed a night out I would get a sitter if needed -that's totally fine -but I think you're trying to do your "best" with both but not considering that your daughter should come first -and you as the parent shouldn't have to be subjected to criticism from an outsider.

It would be different if you were married and she were the stepmother -a little different -but I would steer clear of having this person get more involved in your life. Is there a part of you that likes being criticized and treated this way? It's easier than appropriately asserting yourself.

There is nothing in your post to provide evidence of how you treat either your gf or your child.

You say all you did was offer your child a drink and cake.

But I seriously doubt that is what your gf’s complaint is about. If you truly believe it is then you have two children under your care.

It does sound like you have compromised though.

Has your gf compromised or acknowledged yours?

Do you feel you over compensate for not having your daughter full time?

Is it her house, your house or do you co-own/co-rent? It's not your gf's call how to parent your child. Never defend it or entertain that discussion. She knew the deal when you started dating and also when you moved in together. This woman doesn't sound like a healthy influence on your child. Gfs come and go, this is your innocent child's life that a 10 y/o has no control over. Your daughter is already suffering the collateral damage of your split from her mother being shuttled back and forth etc. And now you are subjecting this innocent kid to more collateral damage by letting this gf run the show with her moods?

We co parent my daughter and have her half the week each.

 

I have been with my current girlfriend for 3 years

I came home from work and picking my daughter up and my girlfriend was in a mood. it made me and my daughter feel a little awkward and that side of things is not an isolated incident.

Thank you all for your feedback! I think in the most part it mirrors how I am feeling!

To clarify, we live together in mine and my daughters home which I own. And to further clarify, my daughter will ALWAYS come first and that's what annoys her the most I think, my daughter is and will always be the most important person in my life and she knows that.

I feel like my girlfriend would 'do things differently' should she have a child but I genuinely don't feel she is even ready for a child based on how she makes me feel about doing, what I feel, is the right thing by mine!

I know things aren't perfect, nothing ever is but my daughter is incredibly sweet, genuine and most importantly, happy so I really don't see why she feels the way she does which is probably my only fault!

Also, based on the scenario described above, yesterday all I genuinely offered was a drink and some cake and I was doing too much apparently although I take your point as obviously, to her, the picture was much bigger!

I hate the situation, I hate questioning who I am although I don't let it affect my daughter in any way. I do love my gf but I genuinely feel she would be happier elsewhere.

It's so hard to describe on here how things are and how it makes me feel, but how can me being me and making my daughters life as happy as possible be taken in such a negative way??

She doesnt get my side of things no and yes I probably do overcompensate at times, but never in terms of the behaviour I deem appropriate or anything like that. It's more because we go to the park or swimming (without the gf) or out for lunch somewhere that is also suitable to a 10 year old.

I'm not perfect by any means, I just do my best by both of them and seem to get lynched for it.

Thanks again

If your daughter comes first please don't subject her to staying with you when your girlfriend is there -this woman is not her mother, is not married to you and it's too confusing to your daughter especially at this age and especially since she can sense how critical your girlfriend is.

Your daughter is 10. You cannot tell me that you're unfamiliar with people finding ways to criticize parents in every which way -not all people of course but parents are easy targets and it's so easy to give criticism from the outside, too. You are the father -show your daughter and yourself confidence in your parenting choices. Welcome input when the input is from someone you respect, admire and who has your best interests at heart. Like her teachers for example or a school counselor or a close family friend. But you have to make hard choices. When my son was 9 - guess what -I fed him breakfast on school mornings so I'd get a scrambled egg in him before a long day at school - yes, I fed him (and had done that for years -we ended that about 7 months ago). Can you just see how I would be lambasted for feeding a 9 year old?? But we choose our battles among many battles and others just get a snapshot and some of those people will point fingers and don't understand that god gave u two ears but only one mouth. Oh and my son drank from a baby bottle until he was 2 -- but in my driving-obsessed city he'd been on several different subway systems regularly by the time he was 4 and by the time he was 6 likely could have gotten to his home by public transportation when his peers' parents couldn't imagine using a subway rather than a vehicle.

I can go on and on but the point is - your girlfriend is judging you and giving you unsolicited input. You are enabling it by allowing her to live with you and your daughter which in my opinion (giving it because you asked) is not in your daughter's best interests.

I'd look into books like How to Talk So Children Will Listen and Janet Lansbury's teachings and Love and Logic and Scream Free Parenting (not about screaming) if you want helpful parenting input. Not your girlfriend.

Why did your gf move in knowing you're a single dad with 50/50 custody? Also make sure the gf is not stuck babysitting, caring for your daughter, making her food, doing her laundry, etc. Just as it's not her call to tell you how to parent, it's not her job to be the nanny/babysitter. Make sure you are with your daughter at all times and do all and any extra work that comes from having her there, just as if you were a single dad.

Your gf clearly resents you and your daughter, and it's not about "a piece of cake" and you already know that. So make sure your gf is more than an unpaid nanny/housekeeper and make sure you are pulling your weight childcare wise. Likewise, make sure you parent how you and the child's mother sees fit. Always keep in mind that this is not your gf's child, both in responsibility and who calls the shots. Take much more on with regard to childcare/extra housework, cooking, etc.. See if that eases the resentment. Other than kicking the gf out, that's all you can try to improve. Face the obvious resentment head-on.

we live together in mine and my daughters home which I own.

 

all I genuinely offered was a drink and some cake and I was doing too much apparently although I take your point as obviously, to her, the picture was much bigger

You sound like a great guy to me and a great father but I think you missed a point I made?

“Also, based on the scenario described above, yesterday all I genuinely offered was a drink and some cake and I was doing too much apparently although I take your point as obviously, to her, the picture was much bigger!

I hate the situation, I hate questioning who I am although I don't let it affect my daughter in any way. I do love my gf but I genuinely feel she would be happier elsewhere.”

Yes all you did was offer your daughter a drink and a cake.

I didn’t suggest that that was a bigger deal to your gf.

Instead my suggestion is was that a last straw for your gf?

Did you offer your gf to get her a drink and cake while you up and getting them?

You also say that you don’t let the situation affect your daughter in any way.

How smart is your daughter? If she is even average , don’t you believe she can pick up on animosity between you and your gf?

I am sitting on the fence here. I believe you want the best for both your gf and daughter. But I’m just not sure that either are getting that? Despite your wishes

Thanks that makes sense.

To clarify, I do everything I did prior to meeting my gf. I get up in the morning with my daughter while she stays in bed, I make her breakfast, tell her to shower, go to bed etc etc, my gf is in no way a nanny and i make sure of that because she is my daughter.

I guess i just struggle with why I am questioned and why she thinks she knows best and shows next to no understanding! She says 'because you are being walked all over' when chances are, it is my gf doing exactly that!

The reason she moved in is because she never really showed this side of her prior to moving in, not the judgemental side of things anyway! She was around me and my daughter for long enough way before moving in to know exactly who we are as a family.

Totally agree, neither are getting the best from me because I'm being torn in two with my daughter always coming out on top which is how it should be! My daughter is bright and I have no doubt she picks up on it and I don't want that.

I offer everyone a drink, something to eat etc

How happy is your gf in the periphery of "your family" vs you 2 and your daughter acting like a household/family? Do you know your gf's hopes, expectations, etc with regard to marrying, starting her own family, etc? Ask her. Try to get to the root of the resentment rather than continually circling around the "she's critical, she doesn't understand, she's jealous" thing. Clearly that's not solving issues and adding to your unease as well as your daughter's discomfort. If you really think your gf is a selfish witch then it's time to part ways.

Your gf sounds emotionally immature. If you are walking on eggshells and that’s “ just the way she is” , no. You don’t have to put up with that.

She makes a big point of wanting marriage and a child etc which I've always said I would love in time and with the right person and relationship. Due to my previous I have always been open and honest in that I would like life and the relationship to be going smoothly and be in a really strong position to progress to that level but with the moods, attitude and questioning I don't feel that I will ever get to that point!

Thanks that makes sense.

 

To clarify, I do everything I did prior to meeting my gf. I get up in the morning with my daughter while she stays in bed, I make her breakfast, tell her to shower, go to bed etc etc, my gf is in no way a nanny and i make sure of that because she is my daughter.

 

I guess i just struggle with why I am questioned and why she thinks she knows best and shows next to no understanding! She says 'because you are being walked all over' when chances are, it is my gf doing exactly that!

 

The reason she moved in is because she never really showed this side of her prior to moving in, not the judgemental side of things anyway! She was around me and my daughter for long enough way before moving in to know exactly who we are as a family.

 

Totally agree, neither are getting the best from me because I'm being torn in two with my daughter always coming out on top which is how it should be! My daughter is bright and I have no doubt she picks up on it and I don't want that.

 

I offer everyone a drink, something to eat etc

Do you think that maybe your gf wants to be involved ?

And that’s the issue?

You have now said that you take care of your daughter within the household and that your gf is not a nanny and that you “made sure of that”

Why are you NOT allowing your gf who you live with have any part in your daughters daily routine?

You live with them both!!! So you should live as a trio.

I think you are excluding your gf of a responsibility she is actually willing to take on.

And she is feeling undermined.

Yes she knew you had a child when she chose to date you. Give her some credit for that.

Yes she moved in with you knowing of your responsibility for a child. Also give her credit for that.

What she didn’t know was that she would be excluded from all responsibilities for your child while living under the same roof.

I think you come from a good place taking the responsibility all on you, but if you want your daughter to live under the same roof as your gf, then you need to allow her to be a respected adult and your child to be respectful of her.

I’m not saying your child isn’t respectful at this point in time , but later she might be.

She makes a big point of wanting marriage and a child etc which I've always said I would love in time and with the right person and relationship. Due to my previous I have always been open and honest in that I would like life and the relationship to be going smoothly and be in a really strong position to progress to that level but with the moods, attitude and questioning I don't feel that I will ever get to that point!

Sorry but why would you agree to have a gf move in with you and your daughter if you didn’t see a future with her???

Wow !!!

Initially I was on the fence and more on your side.

I’ve jumped that fence and actually feel sorry for your gf.

If someone agrees to live with a partner with their child , I think it’s fair to assume that person does see that partner in their future. Why would you put a child in that position if not?

You told your gf that marriage and kids would be on the agenda if the relationship was going smoothly and in a strong position. Are you now saying your relationship was not smooth sailing or strong when she moved in?

Why move in together then?

You clearly don’t want to commit to your gf when that’s what she wants.

Let her go. You are correct that she would be happy elsewhere.

I don’t think you intended to do anything wrong by her or your daughter but you inadvertently did by both.

The impact of this will affect your daughter more than your gf.

This actually makes me a little sad , your promises to your daughter and your gf were both unfulfilled.

She doesnt get my side of things no and yes I probably do overcompensate at times, but never in terms of the behaviour I deem appropriate or anything like that. It's more because we go to the park or swimming (without the gf) or out for lunch somewhere that is also suitable to a 10 year old.

I suggest you ask your girlfriend what it is she would like to see as far as behaviour with you and your daughter goes and if you don't agree with what she is suggesting then you ask her to move out and when you've come to terms with the end of that relationship, you look for a woman that can love your daughter as her own where you can co-parent as a team and where she won't be resentful of a father/daughter bond.

No woman (or man for that matter) should be bent out of shape because a parent and his/her child are having bonding experiences like going to the park or swimming as mentioned above. Do you ask your girlfriend to go along with the two of you?

Anyway: You aren't happy with the way you are being verbally and emotionally manipulated by this woman and I'm sure your daughter senses that. Ask for your g/f's input, listen and then come to a conclusion about your future with her.

Billie28 - that couldn't be further from the truth! I see my future with my gf or I would have ended things a long time ago.

My gf now is NOT the person I met and fell in love with. There is now a controlling side, a side that I never saw coming.

She is in no way excluded from anything, our happiest times are we she is in a good mood and gets involved with every aspect of our lives and makes it the 3 of us all pulling in the same direction.

I have been open and honest from day one and a family and another child is pretty much all I ever wanted.

All this behaviour is no good for anyone, especially your daughter. Thanks for being a great dad to your daughter. ( something I never got) I think it would be good to set the gf free and she can find someone with no kids.

The most generous read I have on this is that, in moving in, you're both learning that you're not compatible—or at least that you've come dangerously close to being incompatible.

My initial read here, which is still where I'm leaning, is that your gf may lack the maturity to handle being involved with someone with a child. The comments about no time for "us," about everything being planned around your daughter—well, I'm sorry, but there's just no place for that in this sort of dynamic. You just can't be jealous of a child, of a parent's affection and care for a child. Dating someone with a child inherently means there will be less couple time, and that, in the end, everything is planned around the child. You have to be okay with this, okay with the fact that you are not going to get the sort of attention you get from someone who is childless.

And the remark about how "this is just the way I am"—well, no. Awareness of impetuous tendencies is not an excuse to indulge in them, to deem them something another "has" to take, especially not something a 10-year-old has to take. Heck, when a 10-year-old makes such a comment it's generally time to let a 10-year-old know that it's time to grow up a bit.

But, before I go too far down that path, a question: What are things like on the days you don't have your daughter? Are they fun, frisky, free, couple-y? And also: In moving in, or before, have there been conversations about your gf being more involved in your child's care? Have those conversations extended to talks with your ex-wife?

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is whether you guys are, or were ever, on the same page about what this sort of relationship should look like as it deepens and develops. Because it's one thing to date someone with a kid (you're in the backseat for a good long while, with zero voice) and another to form a partnership (you're now all in this together, in some agreed upon way).

Per Bilie's posts, I do get the feeling that maybe your gf has been excluded from some of this—that although she lives with you, and you guys are creating a life together, her role remains murky, undefined, her relationship with your daughter that of someone "dating" you rather than being more fully integrated in your life. That will look different for different people, but it's something people need to come up with together. Otherwise you run the risk of making a romantic partner feel on the edge of your life, perpetually auditioning for a lead role. People in that position can become understandably irritable.

My best friend, for instance, lives with her partner and his daughter. It's been a step-by-step integration process, over years, but by the time they moved in together her role was clearly defined. She is not merely his gf, but his partner and by extension her "step-mom," even though they are not married. The ex-wife knows this, is on board. So my friend is not just the gf of a man with a kid. She picks the daughter up form school, helps with homework, and adores this part of things just like she adores the days when the daughter is with her mother and she and her man can kick back, sip wine on the floor, and be "kids" themselves.

So if you're interested in seeing if you guys can really work, it sounds like there are some overdue conversations to be had about what it looks like to raise your daughter "together" a bit more, whatever that looks like for both of you, so she doesn't feel excluded—and, in feeling excluded, lash out a bit. And if that's not a conversation you want to have, if you're keen on keeping your father duties separate from your bf duties—well, you might need a different partner, or even to explore what it is you really want out of romance right now.

All in all, though: you sound like a really, really awesome dad. And that should be something that someone adores about you, even if it means they get less adoration from you.

The thing is even in married couples when you have kids there is less “ us” time. This is a fact of life. Kids need care and your bond with them needs care and nurturing. Gf seems to have no understanding of that . She needs to have someone with no kids so she is the star of the show.

I think it would be a terrible idea to have her any more involved with your daughter unless you are engaged with a wedding date. I'd keep them apart and not have her live with you for now. Put your daughter first IMO.

I don't think being engaged with a wedding date will change the dynamic. She has shown you what she is capable of and she easily takes her issues out on your daughter and you. Think twice about why you want to be with this woman and if she is the right match for you as a life partner and a caregiver to your only daughter.

I don't think being engaged with a wedding date will change the dynamic. She has shown you what she is capable of and she easily takes her issues out on your daughter and you. Think twice about why you want to be with this woman and if she is the right match for you as a life partner and a caregiver to your only daughter.

I agree I meant that for the sake of the daughter, having her MORE involved at this point to appease her is a bad idea. If they get to a place where the dynamic is healthy and if they have an official commitment then it would be safer to have your child around her. She should be on the periphery of your daughter's life -she is just your girlfriend, not married to you or the child's mom or stepmom.

I see your point now, Batya.

I just think that the commitment of living together IS the same as being married but without the paper or the ceremony so I didn't see the connection. However, I'm slowly changing my perspective on that due to so many moving in together for the wrong reasons and far too soon.

I see your point now, Batya.

 

I just think that the commitment of living together IS the same as being married but without the paper or the ceremony so I didn't see the connection. However, I'm slowly changing my perspective on that due to so many moving in together for the wrong reasons and far too soon.

I don't see it that way when a child is involved. I think it's in the best interests of the child if the man and woman she is living with are either the parents/adoptive parents or one parent is married to the other (or like marriage -for example my friend is domestic partners with her boyfriend and they have an 11 year old son, together for 13 years). I don't see it as anything to do with paper or a ceremony (just like I don't see a college degree as just a piece of paper, etc). If the couple sees the marriage vows/license as just a piece of paper/words I would have the same concerns for the child living in that home. Certainly if people don't have children and want to share living space and not get married or engaged, why not -they're adults.

No matter what, your daughter comes first. If your gf doesnt like it, she knows where the door is.