Fighting, breaking up, wanting other people, coming back, repeat

I feel like I'm in an endless cycle in my relationship that is progressively getting worse. I love my partner, and I feel like I try everything I can to accommodate his needs and his concerns.

But when I bring mine up, I feel like he's more interested in defending himself against my concerns rather than taking them on board and actively trying to fix them.

Which of course makes the situation worse until the fight gets so deep that the original reason is almost lost. In some cases he withdraws and stops caring about me,

his response - the fighting is draining my want to care

My response - I dislike fighting as well but I never stop caring about you.

Sometimes our fights turn in to me doing all the talking and trying so hard to give examples of what he is doing and how it is making me feel, while he sits there silently. He sits silently alot these days and doesn't want to contribute or answer when I ask questions and if he does answer I get a lot of 'i don't know' responses.

Sometimes when we fight we break up. I get so geared up to move forward, I spend days crying and right when I'm about to pick myself up and move forward he comes back, and wants to talk. What he really means of course is let me talk and then just nod and defend himself by saying things like 'what I said was not what I was actually thinking in my head'

Then of course I get told something like 'i went on a dating app to try and get laid or I went to a bar to try and get laid' in these scenarios nothing happened but he admits it wasn't for lack of trying.

And then I wonder, why... Why after all of this do you choose to come back. If you're dead set on trying to hook up with other people SO soon after a fight, why even bother crawling back.

The guy was a virgin until he started dating me, a 26 year old virgin. And his latest confession is; I've been treating you so badly because I want to experience other women. It cut me. At the same time he's saying he doesn't want to lose me, doesn't want to let me go, and he is trying really hard to get rid of these thoughts from his head.

I'm sitting here, in a state of total confusion. Does this guy want me, or doesn't he want me? Can he get rid of these thoughts? Should I even be sticking around for this? And how can I EVER heal from these incidents? Will he keep running to try and sleep with someone every time we fight?

Someone please for the love of all that is holy give me some advice!!

How long have you guys been together? I feel like there are a lot of incompatibilities that you both aren't addressing.

-He acknowledges that he's treating you badly and doesn't feel remorseful

-Wants to give up on YOU very easily and go sleep with other women

-Doesn't seem like he tries to change

Is this someone you want to spend your life with if he DOESN'T change? just think about that..

Hey thankyou so much, I really appreciate that you took the time to respond.

I have been with this person for just over a year. So the relationship is still very fresh, and it's very confusing that all of this is happening in such early days especially his deep set desire for more sexual experiences.

I feel like there are a lot of incompatibilities as well but of course I'm suckered in by his excuse 'ive never done this before, I've never had a girlfriend before'.

He wants the chance to improve and change but I feel as though that improvement/change is only short lived.

I guess ultimately, if you love someone you shouldn't want anything to change and yet.. I want so much change from him

not having any experience isnt an excuse to me a crappy partner. he only changes long enough to keep you convinced and make you stay, however i don't think he is sincere in actually changing and he just wants you so he wont be lonely. in a relationship asking your partner to change SMALL things is ok. what you're asking him to change is a part of his personality, i don't think your relationship will get better if you stay, it will only get worse since you're sending him the message that his behavior is ok when it is not. i don't like telling people to break up with their partner but it sounds like nothing good will come out of staying.

Who breaks up with who when you fight?

And what are you fighting about?

Thankyou again for your advice.

I'm going to take these words on board. Everything you've said has crossed my mind at some stage, and it definitely solidifies it more when you read those same thoughts from a total stranger.

Hi thankyou for your response,

It is a bit of both. Sometimes I do, and sometimes he does. Ultimately he is the one who comes back and wants resolution 90% of the time

The last fight we had, I pleaded with him to hear me, and to help me fix what is broken. I said to him 'if you don't want to fix it then let me go'

He proceeded to walk away silently. I approached him again, I asked are you thinking about fixing it. His response was 'no, I'm done'

So I left.

24hrs later he's in a bar trying to pick up women. 72 hours later he wants to meet up and fix things.

Hi thankyou for your response,

 

It is a bit of both. Sometimes I do, and sometimes he does. Ultimately he is the one who comes back and wants resolution 90% of the time

 

The last fight we had, I pleaded with him to hear me, and to help me fix what is broken. I said to him 'if you don't want to fix it then let me go'

 

He proceeded to walk away silently. I approached him again, I asked are you thinking about fixing it. His response was 'no, I'm done'

So I left.

 

24hrs later he's in a bar trying to pick up women. 72 hours later he wants to meet up and fix things.

Do you really think he cares about you that much if he walks away so easily and goes to sleep with women a DAY later?

It sounds to me like the guy probably wants to end the relationship and meet other women, but he's scared to do so because you're all he's known, relationship-wise. Hence he treats you badly and says some incredibly hurtful things in the hope you'll do the dirty work and be the one to call things off, but he comes back after supposedly finishing things because he's not found someone else and if he does, maybe the grass won't be greener. I'd take control of the situation, if I were you, and just cut him loose. His refusal to engage/resolve matters and his nasty comments demonstrate he doesn't really care.

I asked about who breaks up with who because anyone that does that doesn’t really care about the other deep down.

Your response is that it’s both of you.

You still haven’t said what you fight about?

You claim to be the better person and do all you can to accomodate his needs and concerns.

What are those needs and concerns and what is it that you do to accomodate them?

What are your needs and concerns? That you feel are not met?

I've been treating you so badly because I want to experience other women.

Ouch.

Some young people are not ready to fall in love. I'm sorry.

He's insecure about himself. This is never going to work. You know that already. Older virgins are fine if they understand what commitment means and what it takes to be in a committed and monogamous relationship. Insecure virgins who do want to experience more are going to be a problem.

Be a bit more realistic with each other, respect each other and let go. A person either is or is not ready for a committed relationship and you'll know it when you experience someone who is ready and happy to be with you and only you.

Stop talking at him with a list of your complaints about him dressed up as "how you feel". You are responsible for how you feel, not him. When you need to discuss things stay away from the whole "how it makes you feel when he...blah blah blah". That is guilt tripping and telling someone they must change for you. Everything gets mired in this messy meandering emotional soup and nothing gets heard or accomplished. After a while people just glaze over and zone out and tune out.

Instead stick to relevant facts and constructive solutions. Learn how to communicate succinctly and without putting people on the defensive with the "I feel like when you... blah blah blah". Find a relaxed setting be non-confrontational and do not speak more than 10 min at a time. Pause for interaction and reflection. Allow others to take time to process. Do not nag or dog or push for anyone to promise immediate change/resolution. Speak your mind, then let it rest and sink in.

I, unfortunately, have some experience with breaking up and getting back together with the same person. We had multile break-ups and two marriages to each other. It can be great, but at some point, there comes a time when you (generally speaking) have to stop the cycle. Either stay together and make it work or don't get back together. My ex and I finally hit the latter stage. But part of me expects a phone call or a text from her seeing if the door is still open. (It's not.)

He's not ready to settle down. Oddly, I was late losing my virginity. Not as late as him, but late. Men are groomed to think they are supposed to sleep around, but it's an unhealthy way to look at things. In hindsight, I am glad I did not sleep around like a lot of my friends. They had way more negative drama than I did in my 20s because of it. But it's time for your dude to step up or sit down and be a stand up guy. If he can't be a stand up guy, find a stand up guy. There's a lot of them out there